And the award for worst weight loss blogger goes to.....ME!

 Erm...hi. 

Well, this is embarrassing. I guess I should reintroduce myself and just pretend that this is a brand new blog. You know, since I've been gone for EIGHT YEARS. Good grief.

My name is Heather. I'm 56, 5'2", and currently about 292lbs. I'm also type 2 diabetic, but keeping it under control pretty well with medication. My last A1C was 6.6! The highest it's ever been is 11 something. Yikes.

I have struggled with my weight since I was about 18 or so. I found out in my 20's that I have PCOS (poly cystic ovarian syndrome) but have never received any treatment other than a short stint on birth control pills. I have a massive sugar addiction and live on fast food and carbs. I'm not sure there could be a worse combination for me! 

I have tried all the diets, and the only thing that has worked for me is a low carb diet. I have been approved for bariatric surgery three times. My insurance company demands that I must loose a certain percentage of my body weight within a six month period in order to have the surgery. Twice I managed to come within three or four pounds of the goal, but failed to achieve it. The last time I was approved was a few months ago, but my life is so stressful right now that - for the sake of my mental health - I backed out of the program. 

When I was successful in losing some weight the other two times, I was eating low carb. I wasn't really counting anything else - just trying to stay below 50 carbs a day. The interesting thing is that when I stopped eating that way and was not trying to be careful or lose weight, I didn't regain any of it. So, I'm going to start up again.

Part of the issue I have with my eating habits is my living situation and my work schedule. I currently live in a small hotel room with my mother and sister. We have been living like this for about the last four years and it SUCKS. We have a tiny refrigerator, a microwave, and a small electric skillet. It makes preparing meals.... well, let's say difficult. We wind up eating out a lot because it's easier. Everything we buy needs to be shelf stable due to our tiny fridge and miniscule freezer, so most of it is high carb. Adding to these issues is my work schedule. I work on-call, 12 hour shifts. I never know when I'll be called or how long I'll be away from home. Also, I may not get called at all. When I do get called, I usually have literally five minutes to gather myself and get out the door. I could be gone for four hours or fifteen hours. If I don't have anything with me for a meal, most of the time the only thing available is fast food, and 80% of the time it's 2am and only McDonald's is open. 

The final issue for me is...well, me. I have selective lactose intolerance and a rather irritable bowel. I can eat some dairy but not all (doctors who claim it takes two days for your food to go through your digestive system have never seen me eat a Dairy Queen blizzard. 20 minutes. Tops.), chicken breast meat goes through me like a bullet train (but not thigh meat for some reason), and lettuce is not my friend. I can eat some of these things in strict moderation, but eat it two days in a row and we will have a problem. Especially when I'm working.  Oh, and I HATE vegetables. All of them. Except - you guessed it - the starchy ones. Potatoes. Corn. Mushrooms (no carbs there though). I have enjoyed Keto friendly bars and snacks, but they are expensive and most are covered in chocolate. I do have a sweet tooth, but would not be devastated if chocolate was outlawed tomorrow. I have grown a bit tired of them. 

Since I'm not under pressure for time or goals, I'm going to be smart about this. I'm making lists (one of my favorite things to do) and putting my meal ideas down on paper.  I plan to set aside some space in our tiny fridge for items for me, and some meals I'll prep for work. If I don't get called in to work, then I'll just eat what I made. Which is another issue. Literally three minutes after I crack my eyes open in the morning (or what passes for morning for me - noon, 1pm, etc.) the first thing out of my mother's mouth is, "What are we having for dinner tonight?" Jeez, mom, I don't even know who I am right now! It is always the question of the day, and that dead horse gets beaten until it's beyond glue. Several options are thrown out by me and my sister; none of them cut the mustard. We finally decide on take out, but no one knows what they want; minds are changed a billion times; even changed while I am out getting everything. It's a bit frustrating. And when I say that they should do what they want, I'll fend for myself, this is not acceptable either.

This is my life. These are my limitations. I'm going to do the best I can. If you'd like, you can follow me on Instagram, too. 

Thanks for stopping by. If you have any helpful suggestions for meal planning, etc., please do share. I'll need all the help I can get.

TTFN (ta ta for now).

Aaaaaaaaand....she's back.

Hello campers. La-de-dah.

Did you think I fell off the face of the earth? Or had given up? Or died?

Nothing as dramatic as any of those. I just kinda lost my blogging mojo, especially since I didn’t have anything positive or interesting to blog about. Still fat; still not following a good diet; still diabetic; still in denial.

But…I sense a change in the air (or is that dog poop? No, it’s change.*checks bottom of shoes* Definitely change.).

 

Why? Why now after all this time?

I dunno. Maybe because it’s time. The right time. My time.

I guess I’m just finally ready.

I have managed to lose 35lbs since this time last year. Yay me! I also managed to slide on (without the aid of any type of lubrication) a pair of pants that I haven’t been able to get over my hips in the last two and a half years. Yay! And, suddenly I can climb stairs! I have to attend a weekly department meeting at work, every Tuesday. I dread them, not just because there are only eight people participating and it’s really hard to hide that fact that you are snoring when there are only eight people at the table, but I have to climb a big honking flight of narrow stairs to get to the meeting room. I used to climb stairs like so: right foot on bottom step, left foot joins, right foot on next step, grab both handrails and PULLLLLL, left foot joins right foot on second step; lather, rinse, repeat until reaching top of stairs, 10 minutes later and completely out of breath. This is how I climbed the stairs this last Tuesday: left hand on handrail, right foot on first stair, left foot on second stair, right foot on third stair, etc. until I reached the top of the stairs in less than 30 seconds and still had enough air to speak to someone when I reached the top! Holy moly!

I don’t really know the reason why this happened. I’m still eating out, still eating junk food, still eating sugar. Just not so much of it. I’ve been eating the same breakfast for a while now: two pieces of French toast, no butter, and just dipping the bread into a little 2.1oz cuplette (is that a word?) of syrup instead of pouring two of them over everything (and then throwing away at least half of the syrup); and two slices of bacon. I eat this at my desk at work. When lunchtime comes around, I find I’m really not that hungry. I may eat half a sandwich with a small bag of chips; or have a cup of soup and a bagel. We have decided as a group at home that dinner is pretty much “fend for yourself”. Sis just is not well enough to cook a big meal when she’s home, I won’t do it, and neither will the bro-in-law. Sis is away more than she’s home, so Les and I just do our own thing for dinner. Sometimes I just have a bowl of cereal (or a box, depends on the cereal), or a few pieces of toast, or a couple of frozen burritos. I get home so late – usually within two hours of going to bed – that I just don’t feel like eating a ton of stuff that is probably going to give me acid reflux. I’m drinking more water. That’s it really.

I found a book that really spoke to me: “The Diabetes Miracle” by Diane Kress. I know I have said this before, and this book is not particularly revolutionary or anything, it just…felt like it was for me. This book does not claim to cure diabetes or reverse it. It’s really like a nutrition coach in book form (which is what I need – so far I have not found anyone to talk to in person that has been remotely close to this helpful). It explains very well what the hell your body is doing when it is diabetic, how to lose weight in a healthful way and keep it off, and basically how to live with this disease that is overwhelming at times. This is not a diet book for losing weight. This is a book about how to eat to take back some control over your malfunctioning body and get it working the way it’s supposed to again.

It starts with step one: eight weeks of eating a lower-carb diet that helps to rest and “rehab” your pancreas and liver. This will be difficult for me, but it won’t kill me. Step two: reintroducing healthy carbs into your diet. You learn which carbs have the greatest impact on your blood sugar, and your body overall, and why. Step three: reaching your goal weight and seeing improved blood sugar control, better blood pressure and cholesterol levels.

I don’t know why this particular book seems to have clicked. I have been excited about diet books before, but never got past the planning-the-meals stage or stuck to it for longer than a week. I am just quietly determined about this. It kind of gave me real hope that I could get off the blood sugar meds without being all “rah-rah-rah-ziss-boom-bah” about the whole thing.

We shall see what happens. I promise not to stay away and will keep you informed on how it’s all going. There may be pictures.

Maybe.

Hope you are all well out there!

This Week's Progress

Today’s post comes with a TMI warning. If you are uncomfortable with discussing the potential affects of diet changes on the human colon, please proceed with caution.

I feel I made some progress this week with my baby step changes. I had one 12oz can of diet Coke in the extremely early hours of Thursday morning (you can read about why on my non-weight loss blog - see list on my side bar) and one 20oz diet Dr. Pepper that I spread across two days. Does that mean it counts as two? I normally would have wolfed the entire 20oz in one sitting, so I kind of feel that it counts as two halves of one soda. In any case, it’s about 60oz less this week than in the past. I also drank more plain water than water with sugar-free flavor powder added. Now to extend this accomplishment into next week.

I did great with the sugar intake until yesterday and today, and to be honest, I don’t want to talk about it. Suffice it to say, I’d like a word with Kellogg’s to find out why they have waited until now to introduce Buttery Toffee Rice Krispies Treats. Bastards.

I am now going to talk about fiber (and this is where the TMI warning comes into play).

I have discovered that my body responds to fiber in my diet the same way I respond to a spider in the bathtub: Oh my god. What is that? Is that…GAHHHH!!! Kill it! Kill it! KILL IT KILL IT KILL IT!!! GAAAHHH! DROWN IT WITH SCALDING HOT WATER! OH MY GOD NOW IT’S FLOATING ON THE WATER! SET FIRE TO THE WATER! SET FIRE TO THE BATHTUB! RUN FOR YOUR LIFE! GAAAHHHH!!!

I added fiber to my diet thusly: one orange, two servings of raw carrots, and two apples. Over four days. The fourth day, Wednesday, at around 2pm, I was in the small bathroom tucked away behind the stock shelves in the lab at work. Holy molten butt-lava, Batman. Fortunately, the loud air exchange fans that are running back in that part of the lab covered my whimpers of pain and shock and the wild elephant noises. It’s also a good thing that this is a private, one-holer, as trying to quietly have explosive diarrhea in a public restroom is pretty near impossible. As I perched on the seat in as close to the fetal position as I could manage, watching the paint peel from the walls, I thought – what the hell? I knew that if I ate a salad everyday, I could experience this. But just a couple of apples, carrots, and a single orange? REALLY?

I didn’t let it stop me though. The next day was weird (again I refer to you my other blog), but on Friday I had a salad with some soup (with potatoes and corn) as well as another apple for lunch. I was bloated and probably could have powered my vehicle home just by putting my butt out the window, but I survived. I’m hoping that this will clear itself up in time. If not, well, I’ll figure something out.

Hopefully the weather will hold out this weekend for me to get some outdoor exercise in. If not, I will dig out my “walking in place” DVD, puff the dust off of it, and put it to good use.

I plan to keep with the baby steps and then add a few more. Hang in there with me, and please pass the extra soft Charmin.

Cheers. Thanks a lot.

PS – Just for fun, here is a picture of me and my mom circa 1967 when I was seven months old. Do I look like trouble or what? And isn’t my mom gorgeous?

A Whole Bunch of Little Baby Steps

I’m only through the first chapter of Crazy Sexy Diet, and although I know I will never be a vegetarian, a lot of the information I am reading is motivating me to make changes in my life. Here are some of the goals I am setting for right now:

• Add more fresh fruits and vegetables to my every day eating. I have added at least one orange or apple every day so far; I have had carrots for snacks instead of cookies or a candy bar at that dreaded 4pm wall I hit every day and, so far, I have been enjoying them. I plan to start adding salads a couple days a week until I can get acclimated to them; hopefully this will keep the (how do I put this delicately?) colon issues to a minimum.
• Limiting myself to two (2) diet sodas per week. This may not sound so great, but only having two per week instead of the five to ten per week that I’ve been drinking – and trying to convince myself that it’s not a lot – is big.
• For every bottle of water I drink that has a sugar-free flavored powder added to it, I will drink one that is plain.
• I will test my blood sugar every day at least once. I prefer twice, but once is more than I have been doing. I will keep a chart of the results so I can show my doctor, and it will also help me keep track of how my new way of living is affecting it.
• I will journal what I eat every day. I tried this with Weight Watchers and I was rubbish at it. I found a free app for my awesome Kindle Fire called “Lose It!” – it is also accessible online and is similar to the Weight Watchers online program. I have a hard time getting online with my home computer (I mostly blog from work – shhhhh…) so I rarely logged what I ate for dinner or what I ate on weekends because my internet connection for my home PC is so incredibly slow (I have to use a wireless connection for it since it’s in my bedroom and the main modem is in the dining room). This way I can log my food from my super awesome Kindle which has zero issues with the wireless connection, and I can even log it from a restaurant where I am actually eating! I have already joined a challenge that starts March 1st that is to only weigh myself on the 1st and 15th of the month.

That’s it for now. Like I said, they are baby steps, but it is how I need to do it. If I jump in whole hog and make too many changes at once, I become overwhelmed and I quit. I know this about myself; I own it; now I will work with it and not let it stop me.

I feel motivated and positive. I am doing this one day at a time; not striving for perfection, just for better than yesterday. I am willing to accept that to get what I want, I may have to do some things I don’t want to do (exercise, eat veggies not crap). The results, however, will be well worth the effort.

I’ll keep you informed!

TTFN

Crazy Sexy...me?

I don’t normally do book reviews on this blog. This is because the blog is about my struggle with weight loss and my overall health issues. And to be perfectly honest, I mostly read diet books for their entertainment value (you expect me to eat WHAT? Ah hahahahahahahahaha. Wipes tear of laughter.) However, I am making an exception here because this is not going to be so much a “book review” as an “evaluation” of sorts. Does that make sense? Let me explain.

I am currently reading and making my way through Crazy Sexy Diet by Kris Carr. I just started it, and I have to say that I am actually intrigued. For those of you who may not know who she is, you may recognize the title of the film she made for TLC: Crazy Sexy Cancer. (If you have not watched it, I strongly recommend it. You can order the DVD from Netflix.) Back in 2003, Kris was diagnosed with epithelioid hemangio-endothelioma (EHE) that affects less than 0.01 percent of the population. The upside of the diagnosis is that it is a slow mover, so it wasn’t an immediate death sentence, but it is still definitely a potential life shortener for sure.

Kris decided that she wasn’t just going to accept this and play the dying victim. She decided to get educated, take control, and kick ass. And she has.

If you do know about Kris Carr, then you know that her lifestyle is vegetarian, or even vegan. And for anyone that knows me, they will be laughing their heads off at the idea of me reading and seriously contemplating her book. Because, if you haven’t read it here before, I hate vegetables. And the few that I can tolerate, don’t like me. However, after just reading the first eight pages, I feel like she is talking to me. I kind of feel my mind opening up to this. Admittedly, this happens quite often when I read a new diet book; but this time it just feels…different.

So, I thought that since following this lifestyle plan would be a humongous undertaking for me, instead of just doing a book review after I’ve read the whole thing, I would do it in pieces. I’ll let you in on the insights I am scouring from her book and share them with you in real time as I make the effort to incorporate some new things into my life, and how they are affecting me and challenging me.

Here is what I have so far:

I am one of the living dead. And I don’t make that statement trying to cash in on our zombie-infused entertainment world. I mean “living dead” because I just seem to shuffle from bed to work to home to bed in a consistent, mindless state. My life is a grind with little enjoyment, and I seem to be stuck on replay. There are only so many hours in the day, and I don’t seem to use any of my free time for things that bring me joy; and I sure as heck don’t experience any joy from the rest of my waking time. This has to change.

There are many things that are out of my control, but I have a lot of power over my health, happiness and life – and it all starts with my mouth. What I put in it, and the words that come out of it, determines my destiny. One of the reasons I have often given for my horrible eating habits is that my life feels like it is so out of control, and the only thing I feel I have any control over is what I eat. So I eat what I damn well please, whatever gives me comfort and/or happiness. Unfortunately, none of it is good for me, and in reality, it doesn’t really give me happiness. I may feel happy while I’m eating it, but later on I regret my decisions on what I ate, feel guilty or gross for having eaten it, and in the end feel only despair. No joy. No happiness. No sense of well-being. Just hate, revulsion, and disgust. Which then makes me want to eat. Cripes.

Waiting around for someone else to fix my woes is playing a risky game of roulette – and I have been incredibly lucky so far. But one day, most likely sooner than later, that chamber is not going to come up empty.

Hello CEO of Save My Ass Technologies, Inc.

Kris refers to what ails us as our “shit pickle”. I absolutely love that! What is my shit pickle? Obesity, depression, type 2 diabetes, PCOS, mitral valve prolapse, pitting edema, dry skin, rosacea, fatigue, sleep apnea, back pain, chronic migraines, IBS, acid reflux, and impending menopause. Wow. That is a whole jar of shit pickles.

Kris’s book is more than just what to put in your mouth; it is a whole lifestyle, and I guess that is what appeals to me. It’s not just giving up some stuff for a while to lose weight, then trying to keep it off. It’s not just about counting calories, or fat grams, or carbs; it’s exercise, meditation, and self-affirmations to last for the rest of your life. Your healthier, hopefully longer, life. (I will have to say this, though, since I always pledge to be perfectly honest on this blog: the tag line “including a 21-day adventure cleanse” made me laugh so hard. The words “adventure” and “cleanse” are scary when paired together. My mind plays a little movie wherein the star (me) is out on a safari somewhere, squirting everything she has ever eaten since age 4 out her backside for three weeks, emerging from her hut sweaty, hollow-eyed, and not being able to sit down normally for another three weeks while her hiney-hole heals. How does one do this adventure when you have hour-long commutes to and from a full time job that requires that you not spend six of your eight paid hours in the bathroom making rhinoceros noises?)

I’ll keep you informed!

PS – I just wanted to make perfectly clear that I am in no way being compensated for anything I write about Kris Carr’s book.

The Big Wake-up Call

First, let me say THANKS to everyone that checked out this blog because they were checking out my other blog which was linked to the Grow Your Blog Party over on 2 Bags Full’s blog. Vicki is awesome for setting that up, and all her volunteers that helped out are awesome too! Welcome to any new followers!

Ok everyone. Get out your pointing fingers and get ready to wag them at me in a vicious manner.

Ready?

About three weeks ago, I checked my blood sugar. I don’t do it very often because the supplies are expensive and I am lazy and not good about doing positive things for myself (vicious finger wag #1). Normally my BS (that’s blood sugar, not bull poop) runs around 150ish. Imagine my surprise when my monitor counted down and showed the results: 550.

Wha…???

Well, that couldn’t be right.

I immediately retested: 399.

OK. This dumb monitor must need new batteries.

I mentioned it to my sister the next day, and she told me to get my butt over to Les’s basket o’pills-n-stuff and use his monitor; his has fresh batteries and is very accurate. Results?

Over 500. Again.

Hmmmm… Is that a slight panicky feeling I have in my stomach?

The next day I went to the walk-in clinic that is open on Saturdays and explained to the receptionist what was happening. She relayed this to the nurse nearby, and the nurse said, “Oh no. Tell her to go to the ER, don’t tell her to come here.” I got the nurse’s attention and explained that I was already here, and that those readings were from two days earlier. After waiting for a few hours to be seen, I got to see the most lovely little old Scottish doctor ever put on this earth. He was a hoot and a half! Anyhoo he agreed that this was NOT GOOD and kindly reminded me that I had many of the warning signs of a diabetic coma (increased thirst, increased urination, drowsiness, headache, and ketones) and that comas typically occur when blood sugar reaches 600 or more (if sustained, rarely if just a one-off). I have no idea how long my blood sugar had been that high, but I had been dying of thirst and peeing my brains out for at least four weeks. (Great, big, super-vicious finger wag here.) He put me on Metformin ASAP and it started bringing it down. It has now been running in the 170ish range, which is still way too high.

I finally have health insurance now (it kicked in on Monday), so I will be making an appointment with an endocrinologist for the first one I can get. I only have about six more days of pills left, and I can’t get a refill because they were prescribed by the walk-in clinic.

Am I in denial anymore? Nope. I have got to take care of myself. I don’t want to be hospitalized in a coma, or lose my eyesight, or appendages, and I don’t want to wind up on dialysis or need a kidney transplant. My mother will kill me.

Speaking of eyesight, you know what’s really weird? My eyesight did change for about three weeks – FOR THE BETTER. I am nearly legally blind in my right eye without glasses or contacts. I have worn glasses for about 35 years because I can only see about a yard or so before everything becomes too fuzzy. I cannot read billboards or road signs without them, and I have no depth perception. I can see vehicles but can’t tell you if they are cars or trucks, and sometimes I can’t even tell what color they are. Now, get this: for the last three weeks I have been able to drive without my glasses. I see perfectly fine, can read signs, etc. I can read the subtitles we use on the TV (because I swear to God everyone in our house is FREAKING DEAF) from the dining room – a good 15 feet away – without my glasses. On a few occasions, if something seemed a little blurry, I would close one eye then the other to see which one was causing the problem – and my right eye would be clearer and sharper than my left. WHAT THE FRACK???

I have a brain tumor, don’t I?

I’d like to say THANK YOU to everyone that leaves me comments; you just don’t know how much I appreciate them. I got a really great one from Laurie at 111 LaLa Lane on my last post; she put her cleats on and kicked my big, fat hiney with them. I’m going to check out the book she recommended and I’ll let you know what I think.

In the meantime, please don’t be like me. Take care of yourself; treat your body right ‘cause it’s the only one you’ve got. Your family would miss you. I don’t know why it’s so hard for me to take care of myself, but I’d better figure it out pretty damn quick and get busy doing it!

I’ll keep you updated.

TTFN.

I So Incredibly Suck At This

God – I am such a loser, and not in the way I want to be.

Remember when I said that I was going on the “cut out sugar” train? Read that there book about only 100 sugar calories a day and was all motivated and stuff? Yeah, well, that train derailed about 1/10th of a mile down the track.

I have ZERO self-discipline. What the hell is wrong with me? Why can’t I do the things I KNOW I need to do in order to help myself, keep myself healthy, heck – keep myself from dying? What is my problem?

I don’t have any freakin’ idea.

I could write my own diet tip book; I know it all. I just. can’t. do it.

It’s making me crazy.

Image: thefunnyblog.org

I guess I’m still in denial (Hell, I’m in so deep that I need hipwaders). That and I guess I’m still waiting for the magic pill that will make me suddenly crave kale and mung beans and that will make me wake up 30 days down the line in a big puddle of fat, and I have to call in sick for a week while I go shopping for a new wardrobe because I am now a size 2; or that magic eating plan that includes massive quantities of Mini-Chewy SweeTarts, chicken enchiladas and Diet Coke; or I’m waiting for my Mom to do it for me like she always does with so many other things at which I fail (seriously, I didn’t know how to properly wrap a present until I was, like, 30 because she would see what I was doing and snatch it away from me with a sigh and a mighty “Let me do that for you”.).

Or some combo of all of the above.

Well, it’s a new year but I am not a maker of resolutions. I am a speed-resolution breaker and hold several records, especially when it comes to resolutions about diet and exercise. Why don’t you look surprised? Instead I am going to make some goals for this year; goals that may start out general, but then become more defined as I go along. I need to sit down and think about them a little more before I post them here; so far all I have is “Eat better stuff and less crap” and “Move your body more, even if it hurts”. Those are just a little too general, even for me.

One thing I don’t want to do is follow some particular plan. I cannot seem to get myself to follow them, and as soon as I make any sort of commitment, whether said out loud or just to myself, I can feel myself being strangled by the whole thing – pages of the diet book form a noose around my neck and I bleed out all of my willpower through a series of paper cuts, or it is chicken enchilada day at the café at the mill and it’s vaya con dios to the whole plan.

As for exercise, I need to dig out my walking-in-place DVD and just do it; don’t let it bother me that, with every step I take in place in my bedroom, I know that the lamps in the living room are bouncing and it sounds like hippos are doing the Couch to 5K challenge at the back of the house. I have started a new savings plan and I’d like to use the money to buy a gym-quality treadmill. Or even just a home gym-quality one. Used even. This way the whole family could use it; Les has a tendency to walk past his point-of-no-return and is falling more these days, and it is very unsafe to go walking down the road we live on. Sis could use it when she’s home, and if we keep it in the hallway instead of my room I probably won’t use it to hang clothes on. Probably.

So, that is it for now. I just wanted to let you all know I’m still alive and say Happy New Year to you all. Thanks for sticking with me (why are you sticky? Hey, is that caramel on your fingers?) and listening to me whine. I know I will get my poop in a group one day, and then you can say – Hey! I read her blog! She finally did it. Who knew she had it in her?

TTFN.

PS – please feel free to share your goals for 2014 in the comments!

PPS - please don't hate me, but I've taken down my "before" pictures. They are just too depressing when you factor in the horror that my "after" pictures are fatter than the "before" pictures. I will put up new ones soon that reflect the honesty of where I am now. I promise.