Success!!

Woo hoo!! I'm not sure how or why, but I am down 10 and back under 330. Nice!



Remember when I said I have a lot of difficulty with weekends? Well, since I am going to post what I ate for the last two days, now you will see what I am talking about:



Saturday - 4-24:

Between 8am and Noon I consumed:

1 Sausage McMuffin w/egg
2 Hashbrowns
16.9 fl oz water

Between Noon and 5pm:

Nothing. Nada. Zip. This includes water.

Between 5pm and 10pm:

4 slices of toast

**************************
Sunday - 4-25:

Between 8am and Noon:

Squat all. As in zero. Nothing.

Between Noon and 5pm:

Still nothing.

Between 5pm and 10pm:

4 slices of toast.

*****************************
It's just sad, isn't it? Saturday was full of promise; I was going to work in the yard because my landlord was getting his panties in a bunch about all the leaves in the backyard and on my deck. So, I ate what felt was a good, hearty breakfast so that I would have the necessary fuel to get the job done. I figured it would take me and my lazy butt all day to get the backyard done, then I would work in the front yard on Sunday.

Um...no.

I can only work for about 15 minutes at time because with all of the bending over, etc. my spine feel like it's going to snap in about 4 different spots. So, I paced myself and got about 7 big garbage bags full of leaves by the time I had to call it a day. I didn't finish, but I knew it would be no problem to complete the next day.

Sunday, I woke up and wondered how loud and long I could scream in agony before my neighbors called an ambulance. I. Could. Not. Move. Anything. Even blinking hurt. So, very very very sad. And pathetic. It took me all day to get dressed; fortunately it kept threatening rain so I decided to give up on the theory that once I got working again in the yard the stiffness and pain would go away, and just sat on the couch all day trying not to cry. When I decided to go to bed, I tried to slip my shoes off by putting the toe of one foot against the heel of the other - you know how you do - and just slip the shoe off without untying it. Well, I got one off, then stood in my hallway crying because it took me four tries to get the other one off. Oh mercy me.

This morning I was 10 minutes late for work because my shoes and my bra were the hardest things to put on; but I made it. I feel better this afternoon and intend, come hell or high water, to get back out there and work in the yard again when I get home from work. I figure that if I work on it for an hour or so each night, I'll have the back yard finished by trash day (Thursday). Hopefully that will be good enough to shut my landlords big stupid YAP.

Wish me luck. Lord knows I will need it.

TTFN.

Food diary from 4-23-10

Ok, as promised, here is my food journal from yesterday. See if you can help find out what's wrong with it.

Between 8am and Noon, I consumed:

1 single serving box of Cheerios cereal
16.9 fl oz of water w/one Crystal Lite drink mix packet

Between Noon and 5pm, I consumed:

6 Michelina's Baked Pepperoni Pizza Snackers
40z Musselman's apple sauce
16.9 fl oz of water w/one Hawaiian Punch drink mix packet

Between 5pm and 10pm, I consumed:

3 big, fat, juicy chicken strips from Wal Mart
1 small tub of Honey Mustard dressing/dip
1 large piece of white cake with tons of frosting
10oz Coke Zero
2 peanuts

Notice any problems? Let me tell you what I see, and if you see anything else, let me know in the comments.

1. I do not drink enough water.
2. I think I need to eat more for breakfast and have a more substantial lunch. By the time dinner rolls around, I am STARVING and that leads to cake and frosting.
3. Yes, the two peanuts are weird, but I promised complete disclosure and I have to eat a little something when I take my pills at night, otherwise they have a tendency to stick in my throat and not go down all the way.
4. Before dinner, I had consumed a total of 535 calories, 13g of fat, 82.5g carbs, 7g fiber, 25g sugar. That comes to a total of 10 WW points; and Belly Fat count stood at 5 carb servings and 25 sugars. Lord knows what they all wound up being after 10pm.

Well, that's it for yesterday. Weekends pose their own set of challenges for me as I have a tendency to sleep until 11 or Noon and not eat at all until 4pm in the afternoon. Gee, I wonder why I never have the energy to do anything on the weekends? I want to sleep the day away and that does not bode well, and it makes the weekends really short.

So, I am actually posting this at 9am (fully dressed, thank you) and I am going to get some breakfast then spend the majority of the day working in the yard. I'll post my food journal tomorrow.

TTFN.

WHY WHY WHY AM I SO BAD AT THIS???

You know, I have been thinking, worrying, obsessing, talking, writing, and feeling infuriated and helpless about my weight for so long now, you would think that I would have made some sort of progress on it by now.

Nope.

I SUCK AT THIS!!! AND I DON’T WANT TO SUCK AT IT ANYMORE!!!

Why the hell can’t I get my ginormous ass in gear? I mean, come on…338? That is now my official top weight, and it just happened this week!! It is only 12lbs away from 350, and I REFUSE to weigh 350!!! There isn’t enough strength in my skeleton for that sort of weight. I’m dying here, literally, but it doesn’t seem to get any better!!

Hmmm…maybe it’s because I don’t work at it.

At all.

I guess that I have been watching all the weight loss shows, reading all the weight loss books, and talking all the weight loss talk with other people apparently hoping that my body will pick up on what it is supposed to be doing via osmosis.

Idiot.

I sabotage myself all the time, but I just don’t know why. Well, I think I know what most of it is.

Laziness.

Pure, old fashioned, unadulterated laziness.

Do they sell self-discipline in pill form these days? No? Bummer. 'Cause, dude...I would so be first in line for that. I would still want it even if it was a suppository (is that spelled right?), and I don't do stuff that includes stuff being put up my butt. Ever. So don't ask.

I can talk the talk like an expert; give myself all the pep talks I want until I’m blue in the face, but it just doesn’t seem to sink in. All the way in. It’s just barely penetrating the surface and then it evaporates, leaving behind the residue of good intentions but that’s about it.

I think I am waiting for someone else to lose this weight for me - just like I am waiting for someone else to clean my house, handle my finances, and pack up my house for this move in July. Even though I KNOW that no one can lose this weight for me, it seems like that is how I feel. If I just wish, pray, cry or concentrate hard enough, I won't really have to do the work.

All I can do is keep trying. Maybe one day something will penetrate this weird rubber layer that I am insulated with, and some little grain will get into my consciousness and take root and grow.

And so, I am trying once again. I have decided to follow the WW plan (points) while trying to make my choices fit in with the Belly Fat Cure plan. I am going back to documenting everything I eat (I loathe that part, but I know it really works), and since I am drop dead broke, sticking to the WW plan actually helps because I can buy the Smart Ones or Lean Cuisine frozen entrees and usually stay within my budget. It will also help that all of my money is gone because then I have to eat what I brought to work for lunch, instead of bailing on it and eating out at Taco Bell or similar. Buying processed foods can be tricky in keeping in line with the Belly Fat plan, but it will still be better than eating out.

I plan to start posting my daily intake on here again (does it count as again if you never really did it before?), and hopefully that commitment to honesty will also help keep me in line. I have also managed to get my blood pressure RX refilled, so I should loose about 5lbs in water weight (all from my ankles) and it should keep me from retaining so much as I go along. I find that as my weight drops, the swelling gets better – probably because my general body inflammation that obesity causes is also being reduced.

So, that is where I stand (wobbily) right now. My move is coming up faster than I can deal with, my left ankle is bad and now my right hip is bothering me; I haven't been doing any walking and the countdown has already started for the ALS walk in September. Time to GET WITH IT.

Wish me luck.

TTFN.

Getting started...

So today, about 45 minutes ago to be exact, I finally got started on my training for the 5k ALS walk in September. I walked about a quarter mile right when I got home from work. I jumped out of the Rodeo, grabbed my Nordic walking sticks and hit the sidewalk (not literally, thanks to the walking sticks). It was hard. My lower back was screaming obscenities at me (the really bad ones) but I kept going. I was out of breath, coughing, and my feet and lower legs were on fire (thanks for that fabulous gift, diabetic nerve damage!), but I did it. And I'm gonna do it tomorrow too. I won't commit to more than tomorrow, and then when tomorrow becomes today, I will commit to tomorrow again. I think I will stick with that sort of commitment. One day down, 23 weeks to go!

I've been eating a little better - actually, more like just eating a little less. These next two weeks are going to be super tight money wise, so I'm going to load up on Smart Ones and Lean Cuisines to keep me from eating out at lunchtime; and will think up some easy and cheap stuff for dinners. Tonight I will have a 1/4 cup of Lloyd's shredded BBQ beef on an English muffin with some applesauce and one serving of Pringles Mexican Layered Dip chips on the side. Hopefully that will hold me for the evening. If I am good and don't watch TV all night, then I won't crave goodies (lately I have been on a cake binge - it's hard to find good enough cake around here, and that is a good thing!!).

Welp, gotta go throw some stuff in the washer and make myself dinner so that I don't get too hungry. That spells trouble for me.

TTFN.

I'm back - with a NEW GOAL

Well, obviously the weight loss thing hasn’t been going so hot. I lost 10 lbs and gained it back; I actually probably did that about 6 times since the last time I posted on here.

*insert “World’s Worst Weight Loss Blog Ever Award here*

I am still working on the issues with my therapist that cause me to run straight to food for comfort; the hard part is that it is basically everything in my life! I have a lot of holes in my heart and soul, and I recognize now that I use food as a kind of spackle to try to fill those holes. Now I just have to work on finding other ways to fill those holes instead of using food. It may take a while.

So I have decided to change tactics.

One of my nieces sent me an email yesterday that has lit a fire under me for a couple of reasons. Her father, my sister’s ex-brother-in-law, has ALS (better known as Lou Gehrig’s disease). She sent out an email asking for creative ideas for a team name because she is getting one together for an ALS walk. We traded a few emails back and forth, then I thought – hey, why not find out when the walk is? If I haven’t moved back to Washington yet, I will do it here in Billings by myself in honor of him.

Turns out the walk is September 26th. I will definitely be back on the west coast by then, so I told my niece to sign me up to be on her team.

It’s a three mile walk. She is going to start training for it with one of my other nieces next week. I am going to have to train on my own, at least until I move, but I am going to start this weekend and the goal is to have some endurance built up by the time I move this summer. Then I can finish my training out there.

My niece is in the same boat as me; severely overweight and can’t seem to lose it, and continues to gain weight and be incredibly frustrated by it. We both have PCOS (Poly Cystic Ovarian Syndrome) which can really interfere with weight loss and contribute to weight gain, so she and I can empathize with each other on the weight loss battle. She made the comment that she doesn’t have to be a size 2 to do a three mile walk, and she is totally right. And I told her that if she starts preparing for this walk now, she will be a smaller size when the day for that walk rolls around; and so will I.

So – there you have it. My new goal. I am still going to work on my eating habits, etc., but right now the main goal is exercise. I know that as I start to feel healthier through exercise and start to see changes in my body because of it, it will help me to want to eat better as well. I can’t wait to get started!!

Any tips on how someone my size (5’3” and weight is listed above) and completely sedentary can safely and effectively get started on this exercise goal?

TTFN.

I'm doing it!

I am very happy with my progress last week - YAY ME! 6.6lbs in a week ain't too shabby; heck that is Biggest Loser weight loss! It's not the 10-13lbs promised in the book, but I have to be fair and say that I didn't stick to the plan very well. I have no trouble coming in under 15 grams of sugar every day - heck, I'm lucky to get to 7 grams. The problem is the 6 servings of carbs; I usually come in closer to 7-9. But, that is still waaaaay less than the amount of carbs I would normally get in a day; probably closer to 15. Carbs are my downfall. I admit it. So I am doing my best and being proud of my accomplishment.

Now comes the hard part.

This is where I usually fall apart - week two. I am happy that I lost weight, and then promptly give myself permission to celebrate with a large pizza and a pumpkin pie. Or ice cream. Or cake. Or donuts. Or all of those things. I am proud of myself that I have not succumbed to that. The other thing I do is be happy about the loss, then go to the store and be resentful about all the foods I "can't" eat. Which is pretty much everything I just listed above. To make matters worse, every bloody store on the planet has Valentine's Day candy freaking EVERYWHERE. But, I persevered; I bought my little steaks and got the hell out of Albertson's before I changed my mind.

The plan is really not hard; it's not like Atkins that denied you carbs of any kind. I don't feel deprived and didn't really have any sugar cravings at all last week. I am allowed to have bread - in fact, I make a screamingly awesome mini pizza on a piece of pita bread that rivals Pizza Hut or Domino's! YUM. Just one fills up that craving for pizza and/or fast food; I feel like I kinda got away with something when I really just stuck to the plan. Again - YAY ME!

I also have to be honest and say that probably half of that weight loss is water weight. My ankles have been swollen to the size of a beluga whale over the last several weeks; sometimes my feet are so swollen I can't get my shoes on. Now they are all tiny and my shoes are tied as tight as they can go. I was off of my blood pressure meds (stupid wage garnishment) and finally bit the bullet and got the RX refilled instead of paying the electric bill, so a lot of that water retention is receding. The tide is now out!

I don't care. 6.6lbs is gone from my frame, and I look forward with great anticipation to watching NFL football and not comparing my weight to the players.

TTFN.

WHEN I AM HEALTHY...

Here is a list of things that I look forward to experiencing when I am healthy (and/or thin) enough to do them:

Flying comfortably in an airplane, and knowing that the person next to me is comfortable too because I am not sharing part of their seat with them.
To bend over and tie my shoes without being out of breath.
To fit into anyone’s car and be able to click the seat belt no matter which seat I am sitting in, even the middle in the back.
Wearing pencil skirts and high heels again.
Riding my bike for hours a day, and in the process regaining the fabulous legs I sported as a young woman.
Taking my young great nieces and nephews hiking in the great Pacific Northwest. Or just running, jumping, and playing with them in the back yard.
To be able to ride roller coasters again because the safety bars come all the way down.
Having the self confidence that good health and a healthy body image can give.
Not having to buy my personal under-things (britches and similar) in the industrial section of the plus sized women’s clothier, or online because I can’t find a store that carries said under-things (bolder holders) in my massive size. I want to buy more than body fragrances at Victoria’s Secret.
To buy clothes “off the rack” without having to try them on, because I know they will fit and I will look fabulous. It would be awesome to be on TLC’s What Not To Wear; I am afraid that I won’t have any clue how to dress myself if the size doesn’t have an X in it. Tip: if the skirt is wider than it is long, put it back. Just because they make it in your size does not mean you should be wearing it.
Being fashionable. Perhaps even smugly so.
Doing yoga, tai chi, belly dancing, and other exercises that will make me feel good physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually.
Not being diabetic anymore and saving money on my health insurance because I am not needing to purchase outrageously priced prescription medications anymore.
A good night’s sleep without the C-PAP machine to keep me from dying in the night.
Finding someone to love that loves me back (preferably male).
Finally being happy and content in my own skin.
Being able to fit into my high school letter jacket again (it is super warm and super awesome).
Having more than just a “pretty face”. I want to have a rockin’ bod to go with it.
To hold my head up high at my 30th high school reunion (2015).
To be able to just eat without having to agonize over it or think about it. I will know what I should eat and how much without having to consult books, DVDs, websites, or magic eight balls.
To take dance lessons – ballroom, Latin, and swing!! Dancing with style and skill at my great nieces and nephews weddings.
To not have to have lists like this anymore to remind me of the things I am missing out on just because I am morbidly obese and dangerously unhealthy.
Just to be free, free, free…

What about you? Share what you want to experience in your future – leave your list in the comments.

TTFN

I DON’T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT…

…but I will.

Yep, it’s another gain for me for last week. Well, it’s going to stop. Now. As of yesterday.

I am done procrastinating, and I am ready to get down to business. Don’t ask why, just go with it. That is what I am doing.

I am going to try something new that I think will work for me. Even though my wages are being garnished and I am flat broke, I bought a book from Amazon – The Belly Fat Cure by Jorge Cruise. It was only $9.99, so I figured I would take a chance. Now, normally I steer clear of books about diet and nutrition that have the words “miracle” or “cure” or similar in the title; I am a firm endorser of that famous phrase: if it sounds too good to be true, it usually is. But I was reading an article in the most recent Costco Connection magazine where Jorge was on the cover, and it went into his philosophy a little and it kind of clicked with me. The basic gist of his program is to eat less sugar and carbs. Yes, it’s not new or scientifically ground breaking. And as a type 2 diabetic, it is really how I should be eating anyway. But I have never been able to wrap my head around this; and with all of the studies being done showing that the Atkins plan is really not that healthy for you, I just didn’t really know what to do. I had already pretty much eliminated pasta from my diet because it is high in carbs – but it was hard because when you look at the majority of frozen diet entrees sold in the market today, they all have pasta in them. So I tried really hard to stick to the ones that were pasta free. I don’t normally eat a lot of bread at home, but because I am a fast food addict, avoiding bread was next to impossible. And you all who know me know how I love my pizza! I started ordering Domino’s thin crust pizza when I caved to the craving because their thin crust is ultra thin, and I figured I was saving a ton of carbs just by doing that. Well, obviously it hasn’t been doing me much good.

His philosophy is very close to the one set forth by Dr. Mehmet Oz, author of YOU: Being Beautiful and YOU: On A Diet – it’s all in your waist measurement. If your waist measurement falls into the healthy range, you will be healthy. That doesn’t mean you will be the same size as a Victoria’s Secret model, and that isn’t necessarily a bad thing as I am pretty sure that being 5’10” and only weighing 105lbs isn’t healthy either. For women, the goal waist size should be 35” or less, and for men 40” or less. Do you want to know what my waist measurement is? I don’t want to tell you, but I will since I have pledged complete honesty in this blog. It is 65”. Yep. The tape measure was only 60”, so I had to make an educated estimate past that. Sigh… In the book there is a lot of discussion about Paleolithic times and why our waist-to-hip ratio was important to our ancestors blah, blah, blah; I won’t go into it here. If you want to know about it, read the book. In fact, if you want to follow this plan, read the book and talk to your doctor about it. Here is the plan in a nutshell: structure your daily eating plan around 15 grams of sugar per day and 6 servings of carbs per day – notice I said SERVINGS, not GRAMS. The problem with the Atkins diet is that they want you to eat as close to zero grams of carbs as possible, and that just simply isn’t healthy for you (since carbs are a natural and important part of our diet when consumed in moderation) and it isn’t very practical or enjoyable. The scary thing is how sugar has completely invaded almost everything we eat nowadays, and how it isn’t even necessary in the vast majority of what we consume. There are, of course, naturally occurring sugars such as in fruits and milk. Unfortunately for me, fruit and yogurt are two of my favorite go-to-diet components. Fruit on this plan is assigned a more stingy role in the diet – not cut out altogether, but discouraged as a main staple of the diet. As a type 2 diabetic, this is in line with the medical stipulations on diet in general. And milk has a ton of sugar in it!! Ever heard of lactose? That is the natural occurring sugar in dairy and it doesn’t agree with a lot of people (thus being lactose intolerant). I should stay away from milk anyway, as I do have an allergy to it, but I do love me some cold cereal and milk, and what else are you going to dunk your double stuffed Oreos in? He strongly recommends almond milk, which so far I have not been able to find out here. Oh well, I rarely drink it, just use it in cooking and for the aforementioned cereal and cookies, which I won’t be ingesting much of now anyway.

Anyhoo, basically if you are eating foods lower in sugar and carbs, you will be eating lower calorie foods as well. HOWEVER, and I put this in BIG CAPS, one thing reading food labels over the years has taught me is that food may be low in calories and carbs but can still be high in fat. Like meat and cheese. These can be “freebies” on this plan so you feel like you can eat as much as you want; but they can be quite high in fat so be sure to use moderation. That means don’t stuff your face with them, OK? OK. Glad we covered that. The book has a ton of recipes in it to help you with meals, etc. Oh, and you get to have some fast foods too – like Taco Bell! One of my favorites!! So I liked that provision because I have a tendency to freak out if I can’t have an emergency drive thru option.

There are two things that Jorge and I butt heads on: exercise and diet drinks. He keeps saying how exercise is completely unnecessary and is only needed if you want to build strength. I feel that exercise is a vital part of a healthy human being’s life; maybe not body building or gym membership required type exercise, but you should move your body on a daily basis if you can. That part of the plan kind of bugs me, because it harks back to those fad diets that claim you don’t have to exercise to lose weight. Uh, I disagree. And I agree with Sissy – I don’t want to lose a ton of weight and have my skin hanging off of me like an ill fitting suit. I want to be toned, and that only comes with exercise. The other sore point is diet drinks because of the artificial sweeteners in them. Ok, look – I know that those things are bad for you, and soda pop is basically water and chemicals. I get that, I really do. And I know that aspartame (Equal and NutraSweet) is linked to brain tumors, sucralose (found in Splenda) destroys the good bacteria in your gut and triggers the same blood sugar reactions in diabetics that pure sugar does, and saccharin (Sweet ‘N Low) causes cancer in rats. However, if you want me to get fluids into me, then I will be ingesting them. I will make a diligent effort to cut back, but I love my little packets of powder that I pour into my stainless steel water bottle every day, and I love my Coke Zero. So, back off buddy, lest you reach for my drink and draw back a bloody stump. This is basically the only time I come into contact with artificial sweeteners, and right now I feel I have to choose my battles. When I get close to the end of the war, this will be one of the last battles I fight; hopefully by then I will be strong enough to be victorious!

The other thing that I do like about this plan is that there is no introductory period where you have to cut yourself to the bone and “shock” your system into losing the weight. You just…start. So, I started today. Well, actually yesterday, but I don’t think I did very well. I went grocery shopping last night at Wally World; I didn’t have to buy anything special, but I did need to buy stuff that was – shall we say – appropriate. I did try some sugar free cookies and bought a box of Truvia (a natural sweetener made from the stevia plant – good stuff Maynard). I also purchased a box of instant grits as a sub for my normal morning breakfast of instant oatmeal that I have at my desk at work. No sugar in grits! They were really good too! I got the butter flavor, and it just needed to add about ½ a packet of Truvia as the grits tended to be a bit salty.

We shall see how this goes; I will write again next week (if not sooner) to report on how it’s going. Wish me luck!!

TTFN.

Another Year

Well, it's another new year, another new decade. I don't do the New Year's Resolution thing because I always seem to set myself up for certain failure when I do that. And I always seem to break them within hours of making them, so what's the point?



Weigh in is tomorrow, and I don't know if I will have made any progress or not. I feel like I may have lost a pound or two, but we shall see. I am retaining a lot of water lately - not an excuse, just a fact. I still haven't done the BL DVD yet, but I promise I will do it soon!!



I did make one new discovery this week: Yoplait Delights Parfaits. YUMMY!!!!! So far I have seen three flavors in the stores: Triple Berry Creme, Lemon Torte, and Chocolate Raspberry. I have not tried the Chocolate Raspberry yet; I am not normally a fan of chocolate flavored yogurt, but the other two are so lovely and wonderful that I just might give it a try. I am a HUGE fan of lemon, and the Lemon Torte flavor almost tastes like a lemon meringue pie without the crust. They are only 100 calories for a 4oz cup. I was thinking, "yeah, right - only four ounces? I will eat that in two bites!" Not true. I don't know how they do it, but the yogurt is so thick and creamy; it definitely takes more than two bites. I want to savor each bite!



I haven't been eating the best of menus this week, but I have been pretty good with portion size. Oh, and my dear sister gave me a great idea that I tweaked a little: instead of ordering pizza, she makes her own "slices" with garlic sourdough bread and mozzarella cheese under the broiler. I can't find the garlic sourdough out here, so I make mine with ciabatta rolls. I cut one roll in half and squirt just a little bit of bottled pizza sauce on each half. I also add just a little chopped garlic, then sprinkle mozzarella cheese on top and throw them in the toaster oven and toast until the cheese is all bubbly and slightly browned. YUMMY!!!! It totally kicks the pizza craving, and it's ready in less time than it takes to go online and order from Domino's. Try it!



TTFN.

Drugs or no drugs? What a question...

I am trying to decide if I want to start using the weight loss product Alli. Has anyone out there used it? I went to the website - www.myalli.com - and they have lots of information on there about how it works, etc. so I won't go into all of that here. You can check out the website for yourself if you are interested. It just makes me mad that I can't seem to do this on my own. I know my body will do it, but it's my mind that I cannot make behave!

Case in point - I went grocery shopping at Wally World last night. I meant to do it Monday night, but I had a coughing spell in the parking lot at work as I was leaving for the day and peed my pants. Yep; I was thrilled, I can assure you, and with the language I was using there was no hiding how thrilled I was about it. People in Columbus, OH could hear me. TMI? Oh well. That's just me - telling you stuff you would really just rather not know. But I digress. So, I had my little list of stuff to get; and that is a problem. The list is little and not specific, which leaves too much room for interpretation by my brain. BREAD could mean Asagio cheese rolls that go stale in a day so I will have to eat all six that come in the package tonight so that I won't be wasting my money, or it could mean thick slices of Potato bread that are 250 calories per slice and are full of preservatives, or it could be that dry whole wheat stuff that resembles cardboard that I keep buying and refuse to eat unless it is smothered in butter and cream cheese. FRUIT could be interpreted as frozen strawberries in sugar syrup, and TOILET PAPER could be interpreted as cheesecake. I don't sit down and make up a plan, or a menu if you will, of meals for the week and then shop appropriately. I have a tendency to just grab whatever happens to be in the house and make do. Which is usually a huge mistake. You know how you stand in the middle of your kitchen, hands on hips, and say, "We have a ton of food in the house but nothing to EAT!" It's kind of like that. I have lots of components, but I don't have the capability of pulling stuff together into a healthy meal. That is why I end up ordering pizza a lot - I don't necessarily want pizza, but someone will bring it to me and I don't have anything else in the house (or anything in the house that I currently want to eat). That is how I wind up sitting in my underwear watching South Park and eating pickles straight out of the jar. I try to have a variety of frozen entrees in the freezer - Smart Ones, Lean Cuisine, etc. - because apparently I am not capable of fixing myself a decent lunch either the night before or in the morning. This way I can just grab one of those and a can of fruit on my way out the door and call it good. The problem with that is sometimes, it's shocking I know, I don't want that for lunch once lunchtime rolls around. In order to eat this lunch, I have to stay at work. I hate being at work, and I don't get any breaks during the day, so this is my only opportunity to get the hell out of there and away from my desk (and some of my co-workers) for an hour. So that drives me to fast food. A lot. Seriously - a lot. And living in Billings, MT seriously limits your fast food options. There isn't a lot to choose from. And, from what I understand about Alli, if you eat a lot of fat in a meal, you get the Hershey squirts. Fabulous!!! Obviously, it is a side effect that helps to use negative reinforcement: Alli manufacturer - Oh dear, if someone eats a Big Mac and a large fries while using this product, they will have explosive diarrhea! Fellow Alli manufacturer - Well, maybe if it gives the fat bastard the shits, they will stop eating that crap.

So, I am still on the fence about using it. I know that I need to change my behavior - plan better, eat better, move my body - in order to affect change in myself. It's just very, very hard. I think that I just get so confused - count calories! No, don't count calories, just count carbs! No, don't count carbs, eat low fat! No, don't eat red meat! No, eat only red meat and pickles! And cabbage soup!! Read this book - it has all the answers! No, take this pill - it's all you need! No, have surgery! No, just run around the block every 30 seconds! And buy this piece of exercise equipment that is the same size and costs the same as a small car! No, join this gym and make outrageous payments every month for the rest of your life for the privilege of never going again after the first three days!!! I feel like I need to do it all and I just can't so I don't do anything. Besides, if I go to a gym or exercise outside I may actually have to interact with some other fellow human being - IN PERSON - and we just can't have that! Besides, it cuts into the gargantuan amount of time that I spend watching TV.

And that just won't do. Nope, it won't do at all.

TTFN.

I suck...

...at this. Well, let's be fair; obviously I am not trying very hard, so should I really say that I suck at it?

Yes.

EEERRRGGG!!!! What the hell is wrong with me??? Why can't I get going? Why can't I see that I am killing myself here? Why can't I care???

I want to scream and yell that I am trying, that nothing works; but it's not true. I'm not trying, and I don't understand why the hell not. I WANT to be thinner, I WANT to be healthier, I DON'T WANT to die an early weight-related death. I don't want to be "Big Auntie" any more; I want to be "Slim and Trim Auntie" instead. I want to be "Hiking and Biking, Iron Man Finisher Auntie", not "Come over and we'll order a pizza and watch a movie Auntie".

One of the sales reps I support always sends me cash at Christmas time every year. This year I went out and bought the original "Biggest Loser Workout" DVD. I bought it on Thursday; have I used it yet? No, but I plan to. I thought it would probably be the least "butt kicking" to start out with since it is the very first one they put out. We shall see.

I don't think anyone sent me any good diet vibes last week; please send some this week, and maybe a few workout vibes too. Please - I obviously need all the help I can get!

TTFN.

Going the wrong way!

Well, I gained a pound this week. I am trying not to be too disheartened; I went out to lunch with friends once this week and, to be perfectly honest, my heart just wasn't really in it. I know what I have to do, but I just...don't...wanna. Sigh. Not the best mind-set for weight loss, I'm afraid.

I have GOT to get with it; I want to lose at least 50 lbs before I have to move to Washington. Sissy says that it would be a good idea so that being on my feet and being physical during the move won't be so hard on me. She's right. Also, Saturday Ollie and I were supposed to go to the movies, but I had to bail on her because I was hit with really bad dizzy spells; she is concerned that it was my blood pressure spiking. She may have been right; I checked my blood sugar and it was right where it was supposed to be. I had them most of the day along with a bad headache - not migraine status, but close. I have GOT to start taking care of myself; why can't I see that?

Well, today is another day to make good choices. I didn't pack a lunch today (bad girl) because I have to run around at lunchtime getting some documents notorized, etc. I will troll the nutritional websites of the local fast food places and see if I can come up with a good lunch.

Please send me all of your fabulous weight-loss vibes!!

TTFN.

I missed my calling

Well, I am hanging in there this week; I haven't done fabulously well, but I had the potential to go fantastically out of control and I haven't.

Today I discovered a $125 Ebay debit card charge to my checking account that I sure as heck didn't make. Long story short, not a lot of cooperation from the bank, etc. on getting it straightened out. "Call Ebay, sort it out with them, if they don't help you, fill out these forms that need to be notarized." Well, Ebay was no help at all after talking with them via live online chat for four hours (their phones are not working today), etc. etc. etc. When I hurled myself out of the office at lunchtime, I just wanted to go eat the biggest, greasiest lunch I could get my hands on. But, I took a deep breath and told myself that doing that would not fix the problem with my checking account so it wasn't worth doing. I did go to Taco Bell - not the best choice but definitely not the worst - and had just one taco and the grilled chicken burrito. I wanted to order about 15 things off the menu, all with extra sour cream, but I didn't.

Most people would read that and think, "So what? Big deal. You still ate fast food and that is bad for you. You should have just had a salad." Bite me. You don't know me, so you don't have any clue how hard it was for me to do what I did. Maybe next time I will be strong enough to order the salad, or perhaps next time it won't even occur to me to try to calm myself down with food - ever think of that? Pfft.

I won't know until Monday if what I have done this week worked or not. I'm holding my breath. I am going to be watching football this weekend, as usual (go UofM Grizzlies!!). I look forward to the day when I will be able to stop comparing my height and weight to the guys that are playing. Do you know what it feels like to be a 5'2" tall woman and outweigh linebackers that are a foot taller than you by 100lbs? It sucks. I often times outweigh some centers too, and those guys are HUGE! I guess I missed my calling; maybe I was a NFL hopeful in another life.

TTFN.

Back in the saddle, again

Well, I haven't been blogging lately because I haven't been doing anything worth talking about. I'm sorry to all of you that were hoping to be inspired, or encouraged, when they saw this blog; hoping that you would be able to relate to someone who is struggling with the same things you are. I just haven't been trying; I've been spending a lot of time feeling sorry for myself, blaming everything under the sun for my problems, etc.

So, I am done with that and am ready to start again where I left off.

As punishment - or atonement, I'm not really sure which - I have taken some pictures to use as my "before" inspiration. They are horrible, no? Yes. They are. Which is the point. Sometimes I am very deep in denial (the complete absence of mirrors in my home is testament to that) I forget that I have a huge weight problem. It isn't until I see myself as others see me that I realize how big my problem is. No pun intended.

I dug out my Biggest Loser cookbook and am trying to follow their guidelines for nutrition; I am basing my total calories for the day on their formula of (your weight) x 7 = total calories for the day. If you weigh more than 300 lbs - like me - you use 300 as your weight; the same if you weigh less than 150 lbs - use 150 as your weight. I did well today, using only about 1905 of those calories. However, if you translate what I ate today into WW Points, I was over by about 14 points. It may not be quite that bad because I had to guess on the calorie content and WW Points values of two home made date cookies I had at work.

So, wish me luck, send me skinny vibes, etc. and I will keep going. I DON'T WANT TO LOOK LIKE THIS ANYMORE!!!!

TTFN.

Today is another new day...thank goodness!!

OK, let's try this again. A new day, a new clean slate, a new beginning to a continuation. (I think I just blew my own mind there for a moment!)



Managed to make myself a lunch this morning; it only took less than two minutes and didn't make me late for work (pfft to you, Harriet!).



8am - one Dannon Light & Fit yogurt, blueberry

Lunchtime - one Healthy Choice Fresh Mixers: Sesame Teriyaki Chicken w/rice - 380 cal, 6g fat, 69g carb (yikes), 13g protein; 1/2 cup lowfat cottage cheese, 1/2 cup fresh pineapple, one Jello Mousse in caramel (yum).



I will be honest again with my dinner selection tonight and will add it later.



The HCFM chicken meal was actually pretty good! I would probably buy it again, but it did give me burning tire poops about an hour after lunch. TMI? Tough.



I am not doing so great on the beverage side of things; I have a heart condition that includes an odd syndrome of not being able to detect thirst (may be a contributor to my weight issues, since I cannot distinguish thirst from hunger). I often go full 24 hour blocks of time without injesting any fluids at all. Not good. So, I think I will go fill up my stainless steel water bottle with the cool Chinese dragons on it and have some water. My throat is dry and I think that maybe, just maybe, I am thirsty this afternoon.

*****************
Well, I just can't figure myself out. Why can I do fine at work but when I get home I turn into some wild and crazy eating machine? Why? Why? Why???

I made myself a sandwich with Healthyloaf bread, mesquite grilled turkey breast and Havarti cheese; had one ounce (yes, I measured it on my food scale) of Doritos, and three mini dill pickles.

Then I had two more ounces of Doritos - I think; no, I didn't weigh this on the food scale.

Then I had a Butterfinger.

Then I had four chocolate covered graham crackers.

Well, at least most of the crap is out of the house now. I have four graham crackers left and then they are all gone.

Sheesh. I suck.

Food journal, etc. for Monday, 10-12-09

Well, here I go. The goal here is to be totally honest, no matter what.

Woke up late (as usual) this morning so I didn't get to pack the lunch I really wanted to. I was supposed to do it last night so that all I had to do was grab it and go, but no. I was too busy being very lazy yesterday; but I was determined this morning not to let it get me off track.

So far today I have consumed the following (will be added to throughout the day):

8am - one 6oz Dannon Light & Fit peach yogurt
80 cal, 0g fat, 16g carb, 5g protein

11am - still hungry, so I had one Quaker Instant oatmeal packet, Honey Nut
170 cal, 3.5g fat, 31g carb, 4g protein

For lunch, I had a Smart Ones frozen entree - baked chicken w/sour cream mashed potatoes; and one Jello Mousse cup, dark chocolate.

Beverages today:
48 oz water w/two Welches To Go Superfruit powdered drink packet
20 cal, og fat, o carb, o protein
*******************************
OK, like I said, honesty is the key here; so I am going to be honest. I was very proud of my accomplishments as I left work, but I was craving these wonderful cream cheese and shrimp won-tons that they make at Montana Jack's. Harriet (my critical conscience - see other blog) starts in with her propaganda: ooooooo, don't they sound good? Can't you smell them? Just go have some on your way home. Just have some clam chowder or something with them instead of a big meal. You can just lie on your blog, no one reads it anyway. You can just start your new blog tomorrow and no one will ever know. You can start eating better tomorrow; what is one more day?

I told her to SHUT UP and told myself to picture some things that I desire MORE than those cream cheese and shrimp won-tons. I started picturing myself healthy, slimmer, riding a bicycle through a park, etc. The craving went away! I won!!

When I got home I was very proud of myself for overcoming Harriet's suggestions. I planned to make myself a sandwich for dinner a little later.

Skip to "a little later" and me cramming BBQ chicken wings and cold pizza slices leftover from the night before into my mouth instead of throwing them away. Skip to me eating at least six large chocolate covered graham crackers and drinking milk straight from the carton. Skip to me crying and belittling myself while Harriet enjoys the Dolphins vs. Jets game.

I also drank a Fanta strawberry soda to take my nightly meds with, along with about eight Doritos because the pills were sticking in my throat.

Crap.

Another new chapter begins...finally!

I decided to make this new companion blog to keep track of my weight loss in a little more detailed manner. My other blog, Little Duplex on the Prairie, has everything in it; but this one will be dedicated to strictly weight loss related stuff. I will keep food journals here, track my weigh-ins here, maybe post a yummy receipe or two here. I will also post progress pictures here. Wish me luck!!