Friday, January 10, 2014

I So Incredibly Suck At This

God – I am such a loser, and not in the way I want to be.

Remember when I said that I was going on the “cut out sugar” train? Read that there book about only 100 sugar calories a day and was all motivated and stuff? Yeah, well, that train derailed about 1/10th of a mile down the track.

I have ZERO self-discipline. What the hell is wrong with me? Why can’t I do the things I KNOW I need to do in order to help myself, keep myself healthy, heck – keep myself from dying? What is my problem?

I don’t have any freakin’ idea.

I could write my own diet tip book; I know it all. I just. can’t. do it.

It’s making me crazy.

I guess I’m still in denial (Hell, I’m in so deep that I need hipwaders). That and I guess I’m still waiting for the magic pill that will make me suddenly crave kale and mung beans and that will make me wake up 30 days down the line in a big puddle of fat, and I have to call in sick for a week while I go shopping for a new wardrobe because I am now a size 2; or that magic eating plan that includes massive quantities of Mini-Chewy SweeTarts, chicken enchiladas and Diet Coke; or I’m waiting for my Mom to do it for me like she always does with so many other things at which I fail (seriously, I didn’t know how to properly wrap a present until I was, like, 30 because she would see what I was doing and snatch it away from me with a sigh and a mighty “Let me do that for you”.).

Or some combo of all of the above.

Well, it’s a new year but I am not a maker of resolutions. I am a speed-resolution breaker and hold several records, especially when it comes to resolutions about diet and exercise. Why don’t you look surprised? Instead I am going to make some goals for this year; goals that may start out general, but then become more defined as I go along. I need to sit down and think about them a little more before I post them here; so far all I have is “Eat better stuff and less crap” and “Move your body more, even if it hurts”. Those are just a little too general, even for me.

One thing I don’t want to do is follow some particular plan. I cannot seem to get myself to follow them, and as soon as I make any sort of commitment, whether said out loud or just to myself, I can feel myself being strangled by the whole thing – pages of the diet book form a noose around my neck and I bleed out all of my willpower through a series of paper cuts, or it is chicken enchilada day at the cafĂ© at the mill and it’s vaya con dios to the whole plan.

As for exercise, I need to dig out my walking-in-place DVD and just do it; don’t let it bother me that, with every step I take in place in my bedroom, I know that the lamps in the living room are bouncing and it sounds like hippos are doing the Couch to 5K challenge at the back of the house. I have started a new savings plan and I’d like to use the money to buy a gym-quality treadmill. Or even just a home gym-quality one. Used even. This way the whole family could use it; Les has a tendency to walk past his point-of-no-return and is falling more these days, and it is very unsafe to go walking down the road we live on. Sis could use it when she’s home, and if we keep it in the hallway instead of my room I probably won’t use it to hang clothes on. Probably.

So, that is it for now. I just wanted to let you all know I’m still alive and say Happy New Year to you all. Thanks for sticking with me (why are you sticky? Hey, is that caramel on your fingers?) and listening to me whine. I know I will get my poop in a group one day, and then you can say – Hey! I read her blog! She finally did it. Who knew she had it in her?


PS – please feel free to share your goals for 2014 in the comments!
PPS - please don't hate me, but I've taken down my "before" pictures. They are just too depressing when you factor in the horror that my "after" pictures are fatter than the "before" pictures. I will put up new ones soon that reflect the honesty of where I am now. I promise.