Sunday, September 26, 2010
Wednesday, August 18, 2010
Dr. Ian Malcolm: [Ian Malcolm leans to face camera in electric tour car when the T-Rex doesn't appear] Now eventually you might have dinosaurs on your, on your dinosaur tour, right? Hello?
Dr. Ian Malcolm: [he taps the camera lens and breathes on it] Yes?
John Hammond: [John Hammond watches the camera feed with his face in his hands] I really do hate that man.
That is how I feel about this blog.
Blog reader: [blog reader leans to face computer monitor when no progress is being reported on blog] Now eventually you might have weight loss on your, on your weight loss blog, right? Hello?
Blog reader: [taps the computer monitor and shakes fist at it] Yes?
Me, the blog writer: I really do hate myself.
The other day I weighed myself for the first time in weeks. It said 337. I stared in disbelief for a few seconds, swore loudly, and was depressed for the rest of the day. That is my highest recorded weight ever.
What the hell is wrong with me?
I’m killing myself here. Literally. My weight is slowly creeping towards the 350 mark when it should be slowly creeping towards the 300 mark. My right hip hurts so bad that it’s making me turn my right foot out at an odd angle when I walk. I won’t even go into the pain in my left ankle. I can barely get around at this point. What is it going to take for me to realize that doing nothing doesn’t work? I cannot wish this weight away. I have to actually DO SOMETHING. ANYTHING at this point would be a good thing. I can talk and talk and talk, but that does not burn any calories and amounts to a whole hill of beans.
I keep thinking that when I get this move over with and I am back with my sister, I will do better. But if I don’t do something NOW, I may not make it there. I am really scared that my body is going to go into all out shut down mode and I will be royally screwed. I don’t want that to be my turning point. I don’t want to go into kidney failure because I have eaten myself into a diabetic coma. I don’t want to have a stroke or a heart attack. I don’t want to have to use recovery from something like that to motivate me to get better.
I read so many inspiring weight loss blogs. Miss Bitch Cakes made her goal weight last week and she looks and is awesome. I cried and cried as I read her blog entry about reaching her goal; I was so happy for her, and I was also so very envious. I know that Tony over at The Anti-Jared would tell me to get up, quit feeling sorry for myself, and just DO IT. He lost over 200 lbs! That is what I need to do, but I just can’t seem to take those first faltering steps. Why? What is holding me back? I don’t know. I just don’t know.
So, last week I joined SparkPeople.com. It reminds me a lot of the Weight Watchers online set up, but this is FREE. I am so broke that I can’t afford the $16.95 a month that WW charges, and if you’ve read this blog at all then you know how I feel about having to pay for help to lose weight. I like tracking all of my info, and I know that journaling is a significant tool in losing weight. My biggest problem is that I have a love/hate relationship with journaling everything. I love to track it; I am an obsessive list maker, and I love charts, etc., so that is right up my alley. I hate trying to figure out how many calories, grams of fat, carbs, etc. is in everything – especially when the information is not written right on the side of whatever it is I’m eating. I find that I eat even more processed foods and fast food simply because it is easier to find the nutritional info than on something I made from scratch at home. Sad. Really, just sad. But, there are some really great tools on the website and some good, if not run-of-the-mill, information as well. I like that there are message boards where you can talk to people (I’m great at that), etc. And just so you know, I was not asked to review the website or anything; it’s just my observations.
Mom is coming out on Saturday to help me get packed up for the big move, and I think she will be very disappointed to see that not only have I not lost weight in the year since we have seen each other, I have actually gained and have not been physically able to be as ready for her arrival as I had planned. Sigh… I won’t be able to blog or track my progress on SP for about two weeks until I get my computer set up in my new space; right now I am using my computer at work (shhhh) to do it all since I haven’t had internet access at home for a few weeks. But Sis signed up for high speed internet through her satellite company and it’s being installed at her house today! YAY!! She has been using dial up for all these years because they are waaaaaaaay out in the sticks; she will be an internet monster once this gets up and going for her!
So, that is the scoop for now. Wish me luck and please don’t give up on me. I want to help people and be inspirational, and I know that is not happening right now. But please know that I am aware, and I am trying really hard to change. Cheers, thanks a lot.
Friday, July 30, 2010
Albert Einstein once said "The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results".
I am definitely insane.
During these weeks that I have not posted, I have been eating fast-food and grocery store deli stuff almost exclusively. I haven’t really been exercising (well, a little), and I have not been weighing myself. What is the point? I have been doing all of that for years and years and it has not led to weight loss yet. But I keep doing it over and over, each time expecting that maybe THIS time, it will be different.
I have been walking a little more. My friend, Katina, and I have decided that we have just got to get the bodies in motion. So I have been driving over to her neighborhood after work and we walk there. It’s a lovely older neighborhood with lots of shade on the sidewalks.
Problem #1: I am so out of shape that I can barely walk a quarter mile. I use my Nordic walking poles, and if it wasn’t for them I wouldn’t be able to walk 50 feet. We started out at a half mile, but the first time we did it, it took a half hour because I had to keep stopping. My back muscles that run from the top of my butt up towards my ribcage, on either side of my spine, are just ON FIRE. I think they go into some sort of spasm, and I have to stop and bend over and stretch like I’m touching my toes. The second time we did the half mile, I wanted to get down on my hands and knees and crawl the last 30 feet. I take 800mg of Advil about 45 minutes before we walk and I am pretty sure it helps, but Lord Almighty it doesn’t help enough. The third time we met to walk I told her that it was just too much for me. We dropped it to the quarter mile and that helped a lot, but I have to stop at least three times to stretch. We stretch before we walk but I’m still in agony by the end. No pain, no gain, right? Crap. Katina is very patient and kind to me for making her walk so slowly for such a short period of time; she goes ahead and walks another 2 miles after I leave her.
Problem #2: It’s frickin’ bloody hot. It’s the time of year that we hit our really unbearably hot streak; we’ve been lucky in that – like most of the country - our weather has been a little off and so the hot streak took a while to get going. But mercy, it is gaining momentum for sure. It’s been in the mid 90’s all week, and by the middle of August it will be in the 100’s. That usually only lasts for a week (the week of the state fair, of course) and then it gets “cooler” – mid 90’s again for a while. I don’t do heat. Neither does Katina. We are both prone to heat stroke, so we ain’t walking when it’s 95 degrees at 8pm. Not gonna happen.
But we are doing our best. We might start walking at the mall since it’s indoors and air conditioned, but frankly I’d rather have a root canal and a pelvic exam. I hate walking at the mall, especially ours. It’s so small and crowded! Yeah, yeah, poor me, boo hoo.
I haven’t been weighing myself because there really isn’t any point; and I think the batteries are going to die any day now. One day my weight fluxed by 8lbs overnight. That can’t be right, can it? I mean I know water retention and release can count for some significant weight, but 8lbs in one day? I don’t think so. So it is now living under the bathroom sink until I pack it for the trip to Washington and its new life in my sister’s back bathroom.
The move is still on; mom is coming the week of 8/23 to help me pack. It’s kind of sad and humiliating when you are 43 and you need your 74 year old mother to fly out and help you pack, but let me tell ya: she is a packing machine. That woman can have me and my 2-bedroom duplex packed and move ready in about three days. Seriously. I will want to suffocate her in her sleep by the time she leaves, but it will be totally worth it. And this way she knows that all of her china and crystal stemware that she gave to me will be properly packed and she won’t have to worry about it. Because, trust me; she will.
So please bear with me as I tackle this latest hurtle in my life. I am currently without cable at home, so that means no TV and no Internet access. The no TV is weird but I’m getting used to it; hopefully I will use the down time that I usually spent on the couch watching TV and eating crap to do something constructive instead – like pack or clean the house before Mom arrives. My last day at work will be 8/31, so I won’t be able to post anything to my blogs after that until I get to my new home in Washington.
Everyone keep up the great work; I may not have been writing but I have been reading. Thanks to everyone that keeps encouraging me (Nancy @ntexas99 – good luck on your new blogging adventure!) and I promise that I will pick up where I leave off in August.
Wednesday, July 7, 2010
I answered the phone and a very nice lady was asking for someone in French. I replied in English that I thought she dialed the wrong number. She said something else in French and I again told her in English that she had the wrong number. She then tried saying something else, and I gathered myself together and, in perfect French, said, “Je ne parlez pas Francais.” (I do not speak French).
**sound of French crickets in the background**
This of course led to a great number of French words from the lady on the other end of the phone. Apparently the fact that I told her that I do not speak French while actually speaking French threw her for a bit of a loop (perhaps she was accusing me of lying?).
Fortunately the word NO is the same in French and English, so I just kept saying NO until she gave up. I giggled all the rest of the day.
Finally, something from my school days that I could actually apply in real life!! Ask me how often I have used my mimeographing skills, or the geometry I struggled through, or my ability to quote Freud, or how often I have ever jotted down notes in shorthand. A heck of a lot less than I have whipped out my French, let me tell you.
I took two French classes in school; my first one was in the eighth grade. Our French teacher was a very proper and beautiful real live 100% Frenchwoman. From Paris. On our first day of class she taught us all the swear words she knew. We thought she was wonderful. My second French class was as a senior in high school. I can still remember a few phrases, like: My name is Heather. It is eight o’clock (I can say any time up to ten; I can’t remember how to say eleven or twelve.) I am a yellow pencil. (I can’t remember how to say I have, but you never know when saying I am might come in handy.)
While writing this post, my sister sent me an email about her day today. She doesn’t think that she has any writing skills; I beg to differ. Here is what happened, in her own words (please note that Miss Muffin is a lovely young Rag Doll cat):
You missed 2 rodeos this morning. First one, Miss Muffin apparently had some sort of lady's room issues and found herself with icky sumpin sumpins stuck to her behind. To rid her pretty self of them, she scooted all over the wash room, (guess which room I'll be mopping when it cools off), then dropped 3 turds on the red rug. I didn't see them and managed to step on one of them. Went on a turd hunt and found the other 2. She still had one hanging off her hiney, so I caught her and attempted to remove it with a paper towel. She escaped, with the paper towel still stuck to her and she freaked out! Chased her all over the house, finally got her and held her on her side while snipping off the offending towel and turd with the other! She then retired to the love seat and proceeded to give her self a bath and rearrange her nether regions.
Rodeo number 2, I was minding my own business, watering my front yard flower pots and porch - trying to put the last adventure behind me, er so to speak, when a froggie jumped out of the plant I was watering, landed on my watering can then jumping onto my forehead and then to some other plant behind me. I don't know which one because I was busy screaming and pouring all the rest of the water out of my watering can all over the porch and myself. It cooled me off anyway... See what you're missing?
Couldn’t have written that better myself. Please excuse me, as I now have to go clean up all the root beer I spit everywhere.
Monday, June 28, 2010
Despite my melt down a few days ago, I still managed to pull off a loss and I am really happy about that. I am now past 10% of my goal, and on my weight loss thermometer I have moved out of FROZEN and into VERY COLD! I love being able to take my red pen and fill in those pounds lost.
Normally this is the point where I start to unravel. I get a little success under my belt, I tell a few people about it, then my brain shuts off and my mouth opens and all the crap starts filling me back up.
I am determined not to do that to myself this week.
I am going to keep going with the “one day at a time” cliché that really works. I will only worry about today; making sure I make the best food choices that I can (and I packed my lunch today – yay me) and drink as much water as I can and move my body when I can. I worked in the yard a little bit yesterday, pulling all the weeds along the fence that borders the sidewalk in the front yard. It was starting to resemble the Amazon jungle out there, and it made me wince every time I came home from work. It wasn’t really that strenuous; I just sat on the ground and pulled everything within reach, then moved down the line as needed. That’s it. This morning, my legs and back are as stiff and sore as if I’d done some Jazz-ercise or something! But I will take that stiffness and channel it as a success. If I hadn’t used the muscles more than normal, then they wouldn’t be sore, right? Right. Now I just need to get up the gumption to mow the lawn. Yuck.
So, as Red Green says, “Keep your stick on the ice.”
Saturday, June 26, 2010
Today is a new day. I have gathered myself together and am moving on.
I have issues. I realize that. The incident yesterday shows that I still have far to go on this journey, and that I still have things that I need to figure out.
I need to find a more constructive way to deal with my feelings of anger, regret, self-loathing and self-pity. Oh, that self-pity is a real favorite of mine. Why do I have to resort to food when I hit an emotional brick wall? Why can't I do pilates or drop and do crunches until I puke? Dunno. Yet.
So, today is a re-grouping day. I am off to get dressed and put on the dancing tunes. I have already loaded up my 5-CD player on the big living room stereo with ABBA's greatest hits, Lady Gaga, the soundtrack to Once Upon A Time In Mexico, and two dance club CDs and I'm off to dance my blues away. Even though it is kind of drizzly outside, I am going to open every window in the house to let in the fresh air. I think it will help me blow some of these nonconstructive cobwebs from my brain. I also hope to get outside today and pull weeds around the yard; it's staring to look like a jungle out there and I hate that.
Friday, June 25, 2010
And there it was.
Two tons of salt rubbed into an old wound that has never healed (or been allowed to heal). No one did it purposely; it was something innocent and nothing to every other living being on the planet, but to me...it was a reminder:
HEY! REMEMBER THAT THING THAT YOU CAN'T GET OVER THAT YOU TRY REALLY HARD NOT TO THINK ABOUT EVERY FRICKIN DAY OF YOUR LIFE THAT HAPPENED 25 YEARS AGO THAT YOU CANNOT FOR THE LIFE OF YOU LET GO?
HAVE YOU FORGOTTEN?
And I logged on and went straight for the pizza.
I cried while ordered it.
I wept while I ate it.
I didn't enjoy it.
I hate my life.
I hate myself.
I am going to bed before I do any further damage.
Wednesday, June 23, 2010
Now, onto the topic at hand: weight loss, weight loss, weight loss. I’m still plugging away and crossing my fingers for another loss on weigh-in day. I caved in to my screaming desire for cake last night on my way home from work and purchased a (very large) “single” cake slice and fully intended to eat it after dinner. It is cherry cake, with lovely sugary pink cherry icing – one of my favorites.
I realized at 10:15 this morning, at my desk at work, that I had forgotten all about it last night and it is still sitting in the grocery bag in the kitchen at home.
Now the challenge is to see how long I can let it sit there before actually eating it. Or whatever.
New topic (sort of). On Deceiver.com, there is a post about The Biggest Loser (you can read the post and comments here). I have made my feelings known about TBL and how I don’t really think it’s healthy for the body, mind or spirit; and I have also said that if given a chance to be on the show, I would probably still do it. I know that is a total contradiction, but I guess that I am probably one of the key targets that this show is aimed at. I know it’s unhealthy to lose massive amounts of weight in a short period of time; I have read the studies that say that if you lose it slowly and regularly, you have a much better chance of keeping it off and not regaining; but I also know that we live in a society that is totally into instant gratification, and I am a HUGE fan of instant gratification (pun intended). Thus my addiction to fast food and all things deep fried, heavily processed, and all around unhealthy. And my love of seeing people drop massive amounts of weight in a very short period of time.
When I see commercials on TV for some product (pill, cream, diet shakes, work out plan) and the lovely size 2 woman declares in a voice befitting one that just won the lottery, “I lost eight pounds in six weeks!!”, it makes me spit my Coke Zero across the living room and burst into hysterical laughter. Wow – I wish I could be that excited about watching paint dry! Here’s my credit card – sign me up!
I know that losing the weight and maintaining a healthy life style will be something I will have to work at for the rest of my life, however long that may be. But, I don’t want to take six weeks to lose eight pounds (even though that is considered to be healthy at 1.33 pounds per week). I mean, that would be fine and dandy if all I needed to lose was eight frickin’ measly pounds. But I need to lose a minimum of 200 lbs. I want to lose eight pounds EVERY week. I also know that the heavier you are, the more you can actually expect to have weeks were you will lose more than the trust-us-it’s-healthier-this-way 2 lbs per week, and as you get closer and closer to your goal, that weight loss will slow down significantly.
But I digress. Sorta.
One thing I found interesting about the interview with the former TBL cast member was that she said that even though the show leads you to believe that only a week has gone by and that the number they put up as a loss is for 7 days, it isn’t always the truth. Apparently some of the “weeks” are longer than the 7 days we all assume the show is showing us. Bastards. I feel more than a little duped by that. And even though I know you can’t trust “reality” shows to be 100% real, I didn’t see that little deception coming. And it pisses me off.
I have never tried to model my weight loss plan off of TBL because I knew the results were impossible to achieve at home, unless you were independently wealthy, unmarried and childless. I know that the contestants spend 6-8 hours per day in the gym, and no one is going to be able to do that in real life, away from a rehab-like setting where people watch you 24/7. I don’t like the way they push people to the point of vomiting or nearly killing themselves by flying off the treadmill, only to be mocked and made fun of for it. I hate the blatant product placement and trying to make it seem like if you just chew this gum, it will help you lose weight! I also do not care for the scream-therapy that the trainers seem to be so fond of. Even Bob, who in the past was always so calm and sweet, has taken to following Jillian’s cue of belittling and screaming until frothy at the mouth, then hugging the person and trying to extract that break-through moment in “private” when they stomp out of the gym, vowing to quit and never return. Yes, that “private” moment when they are all mic’d for sound and have a guy with a 40lb camera on his shoulder in their face; hoping for that emotional memory of whatever it was that made them decide they weren’t worth anything, weren’t good enough, and had completely given up on themselves. I have not watched Jillian’s new show, and I never will. I would not want that woman in my home for any amount of money.
Hmmm…looking back over this post, I seem to have struck a nerve, no?
Anyhoo, I will continue to search for what works for me. You need to continue to search what works for you. I am not giving up hope that one day there will be a miracle pill that will let me wake up in a puddle of melted fat and miraculously turn me into a size 2; but in the meantime, I will have to work hard for those results.
Besides, if they ever did make that pill, I probably wouldn’t be able to afford it, and the aftermath would be a completely ruined mattress. Yuck.
Monday, June 21, 2010
I will not lie and say the week was easy; it wasn't. I ate a lot of beef jerky, and I just wanted pizza every. single. night. I did eat some fast food but I kept it in line with my eating plan for the week, so there is proof for you that you can have a little of the stuff you love and think you can't live without, and still lose a little weight. I have been really struggling this week with weather-influenced migraines, and sometimes I just don't want to eat at all (but I make myself - gotta eat to lose ya know!) and the rest of the time I want comfort food. Mostly, I want comfort food made personally by my mother. Which won't be happening because she is 1,000 miles away. Nuts.
But Mother Nature decided to intervene yesterday to help keep me on track.
At 4:30pm it was hailing so hard it was making my teeth rattle. Here is a fuzzy picture of one the larger hailstones that landed on my front steps:There were larger ones than this out on the lawn, but there was so much lightning I was scared to go get one!
At about 7:45pm, I could not resist the siren song of the pizza delivery conglomerates, so I caved in. I went online to Domino's, but they were offline and not taking online orders. I could have called but was too lazy. So I tried Papa John's; same story. I figured that the power was out or something since the power at my house had been going on and off a few times. I then decided that Dairy Queen would nicely fill the void, so I threw on my shoes and grabbed the camera - just in case anything interesting popped up from the hail storm.
I headed down Main Street and got to Hillview where the intersection was completely closed with fire trucks and police cars. You could either turn right and go back up into the Heights neighborhood, or you could turn left towards the river. I opted to turn left, figuring that perhaps the Albertsons parking lot had flooded or something and that was why the street was closed. I turned right on Joyce, which runs parallel to Main Street, and tried to look through the buildings to see what all the hub-bub was about. Couldn't see anything wrong at all! Hmmmm... I continued down the street and turned right on the little street that leads to the DQ; pulled up to the DQ and realized that it was all dark. CRAP! That was when I knew the cosmos was conspiring against me - having fast food just was NOT in the cards for me today!
The DQ is situated on top of a hill; you can follow the road behind it down the steep hill into a large Target parking lot where there is a little strip mall to the right with a MacKenzie River restaurant, a 31 Flavors, Radio Shack, etc. There is a McDonald's at the far end of the parking lot. As I was coming down the hill towards the lot, I was shocked to see that it was pretty much empty except for a few fire trucks, Battalion Commander SUVs...um is that insulation? And...sheet rock? What the...? To the right of the lot I could see clots of vehicles parked, people running to the top of the grassy knoll (no relation) that bordered Main Street with cameras and children in tow. I could see the bright yellow DO NOT CROSS police tape strung everywhere. WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON?
Well, at the time that hell's fury in the form of hail was raining down upon my house at 4:30pm, a tornado touched down on Main Street. I live about 1.5 miles away; never heard the sirens or anything. No less than six businesses, including the McD's, were either heavily damaged or destroyed completely.
I stood dumbfounded - gobsmacked (that's for you, Blue) - along with many of my fellow neighbors. It's one thing to see something like this on TV, but to see it first hand? It is awe-inspiring. The 18,000 square foot business complex across Main Street that housed a Kawasaki dealership and the owner's sister's active wear shop is pretty much a total loss. The upside? Amid the debris of the ruined building and scattered brand new motorcycles, T-cat, the owner's kitty, had ridden out the tornado and lived to tell about it. The Lake Elmo Coin Op had no windows left, and most of the lettering had been ripped from the building. Fas-Break Glass is completely destroyed; the roof ripped off and thrown into nearby Alkali creek (along with a pick up truck) and siding torn off the walls down to the plywood covering the studs. The Main Street Casino and Restaurant is heavily damaged, along with McD's.
For reasons only the tornado knows, it skipped diagonally from the glass company, over the top of the small strip of stores with the Subway and the liquor store, bypassing the large, 3-story hotel that was sitting right there, and slammed into and danced on top of the Rim Rock Auto Arena in the Metrapark. This is the building where Billings holds all of its large venue concerts, rodeos, trade shows, and conventions. The Billings Outlaws - the arena football league team that we are all so very proud of - held its last regular season game there...the day before - on Saturday, with thousands of fans packed in. Most of the 97,263 square foot roof is gone or collapsed; the building is a total loss. It will have to be completely demolished and rebuilt because it is now structurely unsound.
The miraculous thing is - not one single reported injury. No one died. No homes were destroyed, although there was one home that got its front porch removed, and a few houses where skylights shattered and let in waterfalls of rain and hail; but considering what could have been...
So, there you have it. The cosmos literally moving heaven and earth to keep me from DQ.
Next time, a supportive phone call will do nicely. Thanks.
Tuesday, June 15, 2010
I feel positive.
I feel ready.
I feel prepared.
I was reading some of the blogs I follow and several of them said exactly what I needed to hear today; the two I found the most boosting were Jack Sh*t's (damn it's hard not to type that "I") and The Anti-Jared's (Monday's post). Thanks guys.
Last night after work I went grocery shopping. As I watched a little TV (well, to be honest, a little more than I had scheduled) I got out my food scale and the sandwich baggies and divided up all of my food into single servings and marked them with how many WW points each serving was. I'm not a current WW member, but I find the points system keeps me on track right now. I will be honest and say that I still don't make the most healthy choices - I kind of eat what I like and just make it work with the Points; that is something I plan to change with time. Right now my main focus is staying within the points every day; I will start rearranging my actual eating habits once I get that first step down.
I was able to grab my lunch painlessly as I was on my way out the door this morning, and that made me very happy and put a little spring in my step. Speaking of steps, I still have my walking sticks here at work and plan to walk around the warehouse again today.
I am going to best that I can today, and I'm not worrying about tomorrow until later. Right now, I need to do what I can in the moment that I am in, and that is how it is going to be.
I wish everyone the best; I know from reading some of your blogs that some of you are struggling with idiots out there that have no clue how hard your journey has been (and still is). Do not sell yourself short; it does not matter how you are making it happen - bypass, lap band, plain 'ol dieting, exercise, or a combination - one is not more noble than another. Each journey is as individual as a fingerprint. Every journey requires dedication, hard work, and sacrifice. Some have swift and short journeys, others take a lifetime to finally see results, most are somewhere in-between; the important thing is that you do the best you can in the way that works for you - and to hell with the people that don't "get it". That is their problem, not yours. Just remember - you may be fat now, but you are losing the weight. If they are an asshole now, they will probably be one for the rest of their lives. I know that makes ME feel better!
Monday, June 14, 2010
I have my day planner on hand today; I cleaned out the freezer yesterday and dumped all of the stuff that was all stuck together and/or in there since 2008. So basically the freezer is empty except for a couple of Smart Ones and Lean Cuisines. I have my grocery list in the day planner and will hit the grocery store on the way home. I will have my meals planned for the next several days (if I try to plan more than that, my brain locks up and shuts down, and that's bad mmmkay?). I have my TV watching planned through Wednesday so that I don't just turn on the boob tube when I get home and then velcro my butt to the couch for an Olympic round of channel surfing.
I am going to get with it come hell or high water. And I will be able to record a loss on my record of weigh-ins to the right, and I will feel good about it.
So there. Pfft.
Saturday, June 12, 2010
Since some of the stupid people in this neighborhood decided I had slept long enough this morning, I got up and tried to get going. I got to thinking about a conversation I had with Sissy the other day about how we don't seem to eat on the weekends (or on the days she doesn't work which is Monday-Thursday). Since those days for us do not have the structure of our work days, eating seems to take a back seat to whatever else we have going on that day. I have realized that without structure to my day, I become glued to the couch and the TV, aimlessly frittering my only free time away senselessly. I am tired of doing that. So, this morning I ran down to Office Max and got a refill for my DayTimer that I got a year or so ago to keep track of my newly diagnosed diabetes. The plan here is to combine my obsessive list making and desire for structure and put it to good use. I find that I do not plan my meals ahead of time, and that is bad, mmmkay? I intend to start planning my meals on a weekly basis so that I don't just leave it to chance and whatever I scrounge together every morning as I am running out the door to work. And if I make myself a structured plan for the weekend then I will not be eating only once a day at 4:30pm and be ordering pizza. So, that is my plan. Wish me luck.
A new follower to my blog, WarehouseActress, apparently noticed my penchant for being hard on myself and dared me to use my obsessive list making skills to make a list of all the things I like about myself. This is kind of hard because I really hate to give myself any credit for good things, lest someone feel that I am a jerk for blowing my own horn. Well, if you don't like it, tuff titties because I am going to take that dare. Here we go:
- I am a fun person. I love all things fun and spontaneous.
- I can be funny. Sometimes it's only me that laughs, but that is OK.
- I am loyal. It takes a lot of crap for me to turn my back on you.
- I am loving. I have a big heart and I have lots of love to give; if I think you need some, I am very generous with my supply.
- I am kind and empathetic. Some people don't get the difference between sympathy and empathy; I do, and I know how to use them properly in a sentence and in everyday life.
- I respect everyone on the planet as a fellow human being until they show me a reason why I should not.
- I love to hug.
- I am a really good driver.
- I am creative.
- I am patient. Most of the time. Usually.
- I am a "glass half full" type of person. I try to see the good in people and situations, and always try to give the other guy the benefit of the doubt.
- I can sing pretty well.
- I love beauty in nature, in all its forms.
- I believe in giving credit where credit is due.
- I do not see people in regards to their skin color, ethnic background, religion, sexual preference, country of origin, planet of origin, or anything else that can label you. I see you as human and that is all.
This is a lot harder than I thought!! Thanks, WarehouseActress! Now, I pass her dare along to all of you. When you feel like you are stupid or too fat or a failure, make your own list. Be proud of who you are.
Thursday, June 10, 2010
Sis’s reply to my email: Hmmmmmm, kinda interesting. If you think it will help you, then I'm all for it!
I kind of expected a more enthusiastic response; but then I got to thinking about how she said, “If you think it will help you”, and that made me think…why do I need to pay for a little plastic thingy with lights on it to encourage me to move my body more? Why do I need to pay someone to tell me to move my body more? I already know that I need to get the body moving. Heck, my mom is always encouraging me (in her way, such as it is) to get out and be more active – maybe I should just pay her! Especially since I already owe her money! Joy!
I guess the little thingy appeals to me because I am some sort of visually responsive person. Maybe it’s why I compulsively make lists – I love being able to see that I have crossed things off. I like making graphs and posting charts and weight loss thermometers to track my weight loss (when I’m actually losing weight, that is) because I like seeing the lines move in the direction that indicates that I am doing well. I like the idea of seeing all the charts and graphs that would show my daily/weekly/monthly progress with the exercise thingy.
But do I really need that?
One of the things that really pisses me off about being overweight is all the money to be made from my personal struggle. There are self-help books and diet books and diet cookbooks and diet CDs and diet DVDs and on-line diet plans and diet clubs and exercise DVDs and exercise equipment and diet supplements and diet pills and powders and shakes and bars and frozen meals and gimmicks and gizmos and if you laid them all out end to end there wouldn’t be enough room for actual humans on the planet. And all of them want my money. And your money. And your spouse’s money. And your mother’s and your sister’s and your brother’s and your dog’s money. And 99.99992% of all of that junk either doesn’t work or actually boils down to the mysterious secret of true weight loss: stop stuffing your face with crap and move your ass. Of course, that can’t really be the true answer because if it was truly that simple then everybody would be doing it. Right? Can I get an Amen?
Now, I just want to be clear on one thing: I am not dissing anyone that uses anything listed above, or this nifty little do-hicky that Jack is currently using. Like my sister said, if you think it will help you…and I am 100% behind anything that actually helps. I have not closed the door on getting one of these little thingys and using it myself. And if Phillips actually offered me one for free (or at least free for the first four months), you know I would be jumping at it.
But since I am cripplingly broke and it doesn’t really make sense for me to spend cash money on this little exercise thingy when I can’t even afford to do Weight Watchers online and since I have had this epiphany that I have shared with you all – I have decided to do what I already know I need to do, and do it for free. I work in an office that is actually just a fancy walled off corner in a three story warehouse. I am going to start walking around inside the warehouse on this main floor during lunchtime, and will start to add in some stairs once I have built up some stamina. It’s not really safe to walk outside in this neighborhood, mostly because our building is right on a main street that is commonly mistaken for the Indy 500 and there are limited sidewalks that would need to be shared with some pedestrians of questionable character and hygiene habits. Also, this way I won’t be able to walk past my endurance’s point of no return, stranding myself somewhere down the street and not being able to walk back. It won’t be a lot of walking, but it will be 100% more than I have been doing.
I am actually looking forward to it. Weird, huh? I just might have to make a chart.
Monday, June 7, 2010
However, for the last few days I have been experiencing a small wave of rejuvenation for some reason, so I am running with it. I feel a little more in control, a little more excited, a little more inspired. (Blue – I think the ripples in my pond are getting close to shore! Or something like that.)
Anyhoo, one of the things I did this morning (from work – I love it when everyone is gone to sales conferences!!) is go to Dotti’s Weight Loss Zone website (www.dwlz.com) and print off the weight loss thermometer. Her website is like a carnival of weight loss stuff. It can be really helpful if you follow Weight Watcher’s Points plans, and there are lots of funny stories, pictures of her journey, product coupons, you name it.
As I mentioned before, I wanted to lose weight before my move back to Washington in July and I was really disappointed in myself for not making any progress. Well, my boss came to me on Friday and begged me to stay in Montana through the end of August. After some thought, I agreed. I think this is why I am feeling a little…relieved? I think that is probably the best word to describe how I’m feeling. I am not relieved to be postponing the actual move itself – I want to be in Washington with my family NOW! But, I do feel relieved in that I have been given more time; more time to lose weight, more time to pack. Whew!
My goal is to be under 300 lbs by September 1st. I think that is pretty reasonable and definitely attainable. So I printed off my weight loss thermometer and filled in the .6 drops in my weight that will be needed to reach the goal. I noticed that as I got closer and closer to writing in my goal weight (299.0) I could feel myself getting more and more excited. How funny is it that I get excited to just write the numbers? If that is what it takes to keep my momentum going, I will fill notebooks with them! All counting down from 330.2.
Tuesday, June 1, 2010
Please to enjoy.
aha moment: big auntie learns how to get smaller.
Tuesday, May 25, 2010
1. a feeling of anxiety and agitation caused by the presence or nearness of danger, evil, pain, etc.; timidity; dread; terror; fright; apprehension
2. respectful dread; awe; reverence
3. a feeling of uneasiness or apprehension; concern: a fear that it will rain
4. a cause for fear; possibility; chance: there was no fear of difficulty
So, what is it about fear that influences our lives? I am not talking about phobias (did you know that the fear of peanut butter sticking to the roof of your mouth is called Arachibutyrophobia?); I am talking about fear as outlined in the definition above.
Fear can dominate, drive, ruin, save, build, or break you. It can spur you on, or it can paralyze you. Sometimes fears are imaginary; sometimes they were very real but in the past; sometimes they are very real and very much in the now. Sometimes others can save us from our fears; sometimes only we can save ourselves. For some, fear plays little or no part in life – some may argue they are the lucky ones, some may feel that those people have missed something important in their experience. Some have lived lives in a constant state of it and have been destroyed by it; others have emerged strong and triumphant.
What about you? What role has fear played in your life?
For me, I believe it was a big shaping tool in my life. I was never abused as a child and my childhood was, for the most part, happy and worry free. I was one of those that could be considered lucky. But I was a fearful child. I am told that I was somewhat timid and shy; when I see pictures of myself as a child, this surprises me. In some of my favorite pictures I look like trouble on a stick. I often wonder, what happened to me to make me develop such a fearful personality? And when did this happen? I have no memory of it, and no one else in the family seems to know what I am talking about.
We moved around a lot when I was growing up, and I always seemed to be starting a new school. The first day was always torture. I was afraid that I would not live up to the new teacher’s expectations, that I would suddenly be struck stupid and everyone would know about it; I was afraid that I wouldn’t know anyone in my new class (when attending the same school more than one year in a row) and that no one would like me. After a while, these fears would subside and I would get used to the new routine of things. Except for one year when I was in the 5th grade and I could not get situated in the school I was attending in Monroe, WA. I was almost pathologically terrified and was basically home schooled for a while until I could cope. It was in the middle of moving from my beloved little Oklahoma town back to California, and my mother and I were staying with my grandmother while my father tried to sell and buy homes, figure out his employment status, and deal with the storage and moving companies. It was too much for me and I just…shut down.
Also, I was raised in an atmosphere of fear and conditional love that was used to keep unwanted behavior, thoughts and actions at bay. I won’t go into that right now as I don’t really feel comfortable talking about it, but suffice it to say that it influences me to this day.
Every once in a while I surprise myself. I left all of my family behind in Oregon 10 years ago to move, all by myself, to Montana. I didn’t know a single soul in Missoula; but I did it anyway. At 32, I thought this may be my last or only chance to have some sort of adventure in life. Fear was there, my constant traveling companion along with my trusty road atlas, and in this case it helped to spur me on and helped to keep me safe. And it wisely kept its mouth shut when I needed it to, in order to trust the strangers that were there to help me when my truck blew its radiator 65 miles from Missoula and I was stuck on the side of the road with no cell phone, and no one to call even if I had one, for hours. I rode high on the crest of the wave that was true self-reliance for a few weeks, but then fear found its way back into my life and has held me captive, again, hiding in my home with only the TV and pizza delivery as my guardians. Oh, occasionally it mercifully allows me to go for long drives with my camera, or enjoy a visit with my family, but often when I am alone with my thoughts it wraps itself around me like cigarette smoke and gets into my brain, my heart, and my clothes.
And what is so incredibly frustrating about fear is that it doesn’t always tell you what it is that you are supposed to be afraid of. This is what I suffer from. I live in a constant state of fear, but I don’t know WHY. All I know is that it is paralyzing for me. I can’t live my life, I can’t lose weight, I can’t open my mail, etc. Why? What is this fear trying to tell me? I think that fear can be like cancer: it starts off healthy – fear is normal, and it keeps us from getting killed; cancer cells start out like any other regular cells in the body. But something goes awry; signals that it’s OK to stop being afraid can’t get through and fear starts to run amok in our systems. It becomes twisted and dark, dangerous and life threatening. If it is caught early enough, it can be treated and turned back; tamed if you will. But sometimes…well, it doesn’t get caught (or is caught and doesn't give a crap) and is free to run rampant and ruin lives from the inside out.
Fear stops me from losing weight. Why? I don’t know. My mother thinks that I am afraid that if I lose the weight, I might attract someone, fall in love, and be devastatingly hurt like I was in the past (my last relationship was headed for marriage but he left me for my mentor that was 16 years older than us). I think there is some of that in there, but I am also afraid that perhaps it isn’t the fact that I am not physically attractive to the men I meet that keeps me from building a relationship with someone; what if it’s ME? I am also afraid that since the last time I had a boyfriend was literally 25 years ago, I don’t know how to talk to someone. I feel socially retarded; I don’t know anything about life except how to order pizza online and be very good at customer service. I have no college stories to share since I never got to go; I don’t really have any unique skills other than usually being able to program my own DVD player; what do I have to contribute to a conversation? If it’s not about funny dog stories (I have a few) or the latest NFL game or Biggest Loser episode, then I’m doomed.
If I lose weight I might be expected to be more than I am. I am afraid that once I am able to start buying clothes that don’t have an X in the size, I will start dressing inappropriately and wind up on the peopleofwalmart.com website or similar. I fear that now that I won’t be invisible because of my hugeness that people will expect me to have something profound to say, and I will just be standing there in my outfit more appropriate for someone that is 20 years younger than me, exposing my tattoos and belly button ring, with that “deer in the headlights” look on my face. Everyone will see that I am a fake, a fraud; will say “I knew her when she was fat and she was funnier and much more interesting”.
What if I lose it all, change my life, and then gain it all back?
I am afraid that I will be afraid for the rest of my life. I don’t want to be afraid anymore.
How do I do it? How how how how how how how…. And what if I…can’t?
Tuesday, May 18, 2010
I decided that what they were doing was none of my business and I had no reason to judge them, so I just ignored them. I was determined to be as good as possible. I just wasn’t in the mood for an omelet (with or without the small child filling) so I decided to stick to the proteins. I did have one biscuit with sausage gravy, and a little of the potato and cheese casserole, three slices of bacon, three sausage links, and a small piece of ham. I wound up going back for more potato and cheese dish, and caved and had two pancakes. I didn’t eat the ham. CRAP CRAP CRAP CRAP. I know I set myself up for that. And I can’t blame the ladies at the other table for it either. It was all me.
I did get physical activity in, but I can’t really call it exercise. I cleaned up the garage trying to get ready for my upcoming garage sale and move. I’m pretty satisfied with what I accomplished, but I know I could have done more. It just hurts so bad. My back is in constant pain, and the more time I spend on my feet and/or bending and/or carrying things the more agony I incur. I try to push through it, knowing that things will never get better if I don’t, but eventually enough is enough and I can’t take it anymore. And so I have to stop. It makes me feel like I will never get anything accomplished and then the anxiety attacks kick in. GIVE ME A FREAKING BREAK!!!!
So yesterday afternoon I went shopping and bought Lean Cuisines for work lunches and drink packets for water. Oh yeah, and a big bottle of Tylenol. My hopes are that if I can keep the worst of the pain at bay, I will be encouraged to move the bod. My goal this week is to keep working away at the garage sale prep and DRINK MORE WATER. I think that part of my pain is because I am so dehydrated all the time. My hip sockets practically squeak like rusty hinges when I walk, so I hope that a more hydrated body will stop that. I hope. My right hip has been especially painful (along with my left ankle) but I took some Tylenol last night before bed and it feels better today. Now I just feel jittery and shaky and whiney but I am sure that will pass. Wish me luck and I will try to be more upbeat in my next posting.
Thursday, May 13, 2010
OK, so, I don’t normally discuss TBL too much on here, mostly because I have conflicting feelings about being a fan of the show. To be sure, I am a fan; although somewhat reluctantly. I love to watch them lose the weight; my favorite part of the whole show is seeing how much they lost (or didn’t lose if it’s someone that I don’t like shut up). I enjoy watching the challenges and the temptations. I really love the doctor that they have on there and I love watching him tell some of the sicker contestants how much their health has improved, etc. The Makeover episode is always my very favorite; you always see these people in workout clothes, sweaty and emotional, so it’s totally cool to see them dressed up, coiffed, and made up. I am SO glad that they tackled Mike and Daris’s hair!!! Damn! You know Mike had to lose at least five pounds in just hair alone!!
I am also a somewhat reluctant fan of the show because I fear that some people will actually be discouraged by it. These people lose HUGE amounts of weight in a really short period of time by eating 1200-1500 calories a day and working out literally 6-8 hours PER DAY. (Mike losing more than 200 lbs in 17 weeks? It’s insane!!) There are very few people in the real world that can manage that, and I worry that there are some people that get discouraged that they cannot match this in their own lives. There are also so many people – on the show and in the real world – that have deeper issues than laziness and improper nutritional knowledge that have contributed to their weight problems. Jillian and Bob seem pretty well equipped to deal with the emotional breakdowns that inevitably occur, but I really hope that they are getting some psychological counseling behind the scenes as well. The product placement is also really irritating. It cracks me up how the contestants are supposed to be so surprised and grateful that Bob shows them how chewing a certain brand of gum can help them SO MUCH with their weight loss journey. Give me a freakin’ break.
Over all, I feel the show does more good than harm.
Having said that, let’s dish.
I wasn’t too terribly surprised by who made it into the final four. I knew that all three guys would make it, but I was kinda hoping that it would be Sunshine that represented the women. I have nothing at all against Ashley – don’t get me wrong. I am just kind of taken with Sunshine and her attitude. I think it was a good thing that she and her father had to spend some time apart; I loved her Dad and he was so incredibly proud and supportive of his daughter, but I think she needed some time to herself. She needed to be able to stand on her own, without Dad there to hold her up, and I think she rose to that challenge quite admirably. I was really happy for her reception from her community when she got home. I felt bad that she didn’t get the 100lb even mark – you know how important those number goals can be to some of us – and to be one pound short would SUCK! But she didn’t really seem to be bothered by it, so that shows me that I really shouldn’t be as stuck on the numbers thing as I am. Sigh…so much to work on.
I thought it was very interesting that they brought back Erick Chopin to talk to the contestants this week. I was so shocked and devastated when I learned that he had gained every pound back that he had lost! How could someone lose that much weight, and then allow themselves to regain ALL of it?? It was a real eye opener to say the least. I am glad that the show found out about it and that they are helping him to start again, but this is one of the problems that I have with the show. Erick admitted that he became focused solely on winning the game and the cash prize. He totally lost sight of the fact that losing the weight was the REAL prize here. He saw the end of the show as the finish line, when he should have realized it was really the starting line. The work he did on the show was merely prep work for the rest of his life; just because the show was over, didn’t mean he could just go back to doing what he was doing before. And this became clear to the whole fan base and viewing audience of the world. I admire the fact that he is humble enough to accept this and the help of the show to get back on track, and I was very happy to see that he as lost 70lbs so far. I have a feeling that Erick’s visit contributed to Mike’s meltdown in the gym later on. I think that being such a heavy guy in the beginning, and losing the weight he has lost so quickly, he is worried about what will happen to him when he leaves the Ranch for good. I think when he saw Erick, his own fears of relapse and regaining his weight really hit him hard and right in the nads with steel toed boots. But I think that Mike lost about 5lbs with that outburst of his; emotional blockages can weigh a lot! I was glad to see that he seemed to be able to pull himself together and get on with it.
Mike’s other problem seemed to be that he felt like a failure for leaving the Ranch with still so much weight to lose. He could not see the super major accomplishment he had already made, and was focusing on what he felt he had NOT accomplished. Some people may look at that and think, “What the hell is wrong with this guy? How can he not see that losing 200lbs in 17 weeks is freaky fantastic???” Well, welcome to the wonderful world that the morbidly obese live in. (ps – I absolutely HATE that term, morbidly obese. I know it is medically correct, but it just sounds so…terrible…ugly.) It can be a huge adjustment to get used to what you see in the mirror. Some people don’t recognize themselves in the mirror anymore; some people don’t see the change at all. When he watched the film of himself at the end of the episode, I think he finally did the difference. It made him look at the pictures objectively; being able to see a split frame of then vs. now instead of the gradual process in the mirror seemed to really hit home. And it will REALLY hit home when he gets home and sees the public’s reaction! I am really pulling for him to succeed in his new life after TBL.
But what no one mentioned on the air is that Mike is NOT the only one leaving the Ranch that is still obese; Ashley still has a long way to go as well. She is still in the 275lb range and that is not under the “obese” radar by any means. And she has a really big strike against her – she is female. Let’s be honest; guys really struggle with weight loss like women do, but not in the same ways that women do. It’s not an excuse gals, but guys – it’s a fact. If men had to deal with hormones, menstruation, and water retention like we do, I guarantee you the world would be a seriously different place! But that is a subject for a totally different blog post. I worry about Ashley because of her friends. She comes from a lifestyle that has a lot of partying, and I have to be honest and say I have no clue what that is like, so I don’t really have a lot of firm footing to toot my horn from. I just hope that her friends are just as supportive when she is not drinking as much as they were when she was. I am rooting for her too.
While Mike is my emotional favorite this season, I really want Daris to win. He is a cutie patootie!!! He will be beating off the women with a stick with a nail in it when he gets home. My heart just wept for him when, in the beginning of the show, he talked about being the big fat funny guy that danced with all of his friend’s girlfriends, but then he was the one that went home alone. I could really relate to that. He is the type of person that everyone loves to be around, and constantly ask, “Why doesn’t that boy have a girlfriend? He is AWESOME dude!” The only reply to that usually comes when the person stands naked in the bathroom, looking at himself and silently replying, “Duh!” Daris has a great attitude and I think he will go really far in life. He is really lucky that this happened to him this early in life; he has time to reconstruct his mindset, and the cash would be great for college. GO DARIS!!
I don’t really have a lot to say about Koli; I really like him and I wish him all the best, but somehow I just don’t think he will win. I was sad to see Sam go home – that man should be a motivational speaker! But Koli and Sam seemed to be too joined at the hip, and I worried that without Sam, Koli would fold like a card table. I was really glad to see that he sacked up and survived without having Sam to push him. He needs to do this for himself and let Sam worry about Sam. I just don’t think that he has enough weight left to lose to win the grand prize on the show, but I think that he will also do well after the show is over.
Well, there you have it. My long-winded, more than two cents worth. Whew! Now, if someone asked me if I wanted to be on TBL, I would say, “Oh hell yes!” I think that, even with the reservations I have about the show, it would still be a great jumping-off point for my weight loss if nothing else.
Speaking of my weight loss, I am still just hanging in there until pay day, which is TOMORROW! YAY!!! I am having a lot of trouble with getting my water in every day and I am paying the price for it this week: my skin is really dry, ankles want to swell up, my face is acting up, and I’m definitely constip…oh, sorry, drifting into TMI territory there, but you get the idea.
I just don’t know what to do about the drinking thing. I hate water. It has to be ice cold in order for me to choke it down. Fortunately at work we have bottled water with the hot/cold dispenser thingy, so that helps. My biggest issue is that I do not get thirsty – ever – and it just never occurs to me to have a drink of water. I have tried putting reminders in my Outlook so that pop-ups appear on my computer every so often, reminding me to go get a drink, but that gets incredibly annoying and if someone else is filling in for me at my desk, they think there is something seriously wrong with me (there is, but they don’t need to be reminded of it every 20 minutes). I usually only have something to drink when I am eating, usually because it’s included in the combo meal…um, er…I mean…oh, busted. If it wasn’t for our Western culture that includes beverages with each meal, I would never remember to drink anything! On the weekends, it’s not at all unusual for me to not drink anything at all – that is a minimum of 48 hours without liquids. Sad. And scary.
Any suggestions? I’m open.
Monday, May 10, 2010
Well, needless to say I did not pay the gas bill, electric bill, or cable bill; I put $15 of the lowest octane gas in the Rodeo and just don't go anywhere except to work and home; and I went to Wal-Mart and bought a bunch of Top Ramen, a loaf of the cheapest bread I could find, and a jar of mayo (and no, I promise I wasn't eating Mayo and Ramen sandwiches). I have been scrounging through the kitchen cupboards and am eating what I can find in there along with the Top Ramen (I found several cans of tuna, thus the bread and mayo).
I know that Top Ramen is not a healthy food; even though the vast majority is water (at least the way I make it) there is still an extremely high amount of sodium and the noodles are fried before they're dried. But, I figured that I would still probably get a pretty healthy drop in my overall weight after eating like this for a week.
Not even an ounce. AAAUUUGGGHHH!!!!!!! I HATE MY LIFE!!!
More Top Ramen is scheduled for this week (get off me - they are 5 for a buck). I have not been keeping a food diary on it for this blog because even if it did work, I did not want to be seen as encouraging it for anyone else.
Has anyone else noticed that it's the cheap food that can make you fat? Boxes of Mac and Cheese sell for 3 for a buck, but you ain't gonna loose weight on that crap; or Top Ramen for that matter. Eating healthily can cost a lot more; of course, there is the argument of quality over quantity - if you eat better food but less of it, that's a good thing. However, when I am this broke I cannot get myself to buy three things that will only last me a week when for the same amount of money I can buy 15 things that will last for two weeks.
Anyone else see this as a problem??
Hopefully I can keep the electricity on until Friday, and then I will go get some better food. And no, I didn't get the backyard finished, but I did manage to get the front yard done and mowed. It's looked better, but it looks better than it did. And with less pain and suffering than a few weeks ago! Yay that!
Don't give up on me yet; I promise eventually there will be progress here. Thanks to Tricia for becoming a follower of my blog!
Monday, April 26, 2010
Remember when I said I have a lot of difficulty with weekends? Well, since I am going to post what I ate for the last two days, now you will see what I am talking about:
Saturday - 4-24:
Between 8am and Noon I consumed:
1 Sausage McMuffin w/egg
16.9 fl oz water
Between Noon and 5pm:
Nothing. Nada. Zip. This includes water.
Between 5pm and 10pm:
4 slices of toast
Sunday - 4-25:
Between 8am and Noon:
Squat all. As in zero. Nothing.
Between Noon and 5pm:
Between 5pm and 10pm:
4 slices of toast.
It's just sad, isn't it? Saturday was full of promise; I was going to work in the yard because my landlord was getting his panties in a bunch about all the leaves in the backyard and on my deck. So, I ate what felt was a good, hearty breakfast so that I would have the necessary fuel to get the job done. I figured it would take me and my lazy butt all day to get the backyard done, then I would work in the front yard on Sunday.
I can only work for about 15 minutes at time because with all of the bending over, etc. my spine feel like it's going to snap in about 4 different spots. So, I paced myself and got about 7 big garbage bags full of leaves by the time I had to call it a day. I didn't finish, but I knew it would be no problem to complete the next day.
Sunday, I woke up and wondered how loud and long I could scream in agony before my neighbors called an ambulance. I. Could. Not. Move. Anything. Even blinking hurt. So, very very very sad. And pathetic. It took me all day to get dressed; fortunately it kept threatening rain so I decided to give up on the theory that once I got working again in the yard the stiffness and pain would go away, and just sat on the couch all day trying not to cry. When I decided to go to bed, I tried to slip my shoes off by putting the toe of one foot against the heel of the other - you know how you do - and just slip the shoe off without untying it. Well, I got one off, then stood in my hallway crying because it took me four tries to get the other one off. Oh mercy me.
This morning I was 10 minutes late for work because my shoes and my bra were the hardest things to put on; but I made it. I feel better this afternoon and intend, come hell or high water, to get back out there and work in the yard again when I get home from work. I figure that if I work on it for an hour or so each night, I'll have the back yard finished by trash day (Thursday). Hopefully that will be good enough to shut my landlords big stupid YAP.
Wish me luck. Lord knows I will need it.
Saturday, April 24, 2010
Between 8am and Noon, I consumed:
1 single serving box of Cheerios cereal
16.9 fl oz of water w/one Crystal Lite drink mix packet
Between Noon and 5pm, I consumed:
6 Michelina's Baked Pepperoni Pizza Snackers
40z Musselman's apple sauce
16.9 fl oz of water w/one Hawaiian Punch drink mix packet
Between 5pm and 10pm, I consumed:
3 big, fat, juicy chicken strips from Wal Mart
1 small tub of Honey Mustard dressing/dip
1 large piece of white cake with tons of frosting
10oz Coke Zero
Notice any problems? Let me tell you what I see, and if you see anything else, let me know in the comments.
1. I do not drink enough water.
2. I think I need to eat more for breakfast and have a more substantial lunch. By the time dinner rolls around, I am STARVING and that leads to cake and frosting.
3. Yes, the two peanuts are weird, but I promised complete disclosure and I have to eat a little something when I take my pills at night, otherwise they have a tendency to stick in my throat and not go down all the way.
4. Before dinner, I had consumed a total of 535 calories, 13g of fat, 82.5g carbs, 7g fiber, 25g sugar. That comes to a total of 10 WW points; and Belly Fat count stood at 5 carb servings and 25 sugars. Lord knows what they all wound up being after 10pm.
Well, that's it for yesterday. Weekends pose their own set of challenges for me as I have a tendency to sleep until 11 or Noon and not eat at all until 4pm in the afternoon. Gee, I wonder why I never have the energy to do anything on the weekends? I want to sleep the day away and that does not bode well, and it makes the weekends really short.
So, I am actually posting this at 9am (fully dressed, thank you) and I am going to get some breakfast then spend the majority of the day working in the yard. I'll post my food journal tomorrow.
Friday, April 23, 2010
I SUCK AT THIS!!! AND I DON’T WANT TO SUCK AT IT ANYMORE!!!
Why the hell can’t I get my ginormous ass in gear? I mean, come on…338? That is now my official top weight, and it just happened this week!! It is only 12lbs away from 350, and I REFUSE to weigh 350!!! There isn’t enough strength in my skeleton for that sort of weight. I’m dying here, literally, but it doesn’t seem to get any better!!
Hmmm…maybe it’s because I don’t work at it.
I guess that I have been watching all the weight loss shows, reading all the weight loss books, and talking all the weight loss talk with other people apparently hoping that my body will pick up on what it is supposed to be doing via osmosis.
I sabotage myself all the time, but I just don’t know why. Well, I think I know what most of it is.
Pure, old fashioned, unadulterated laziness.
Do they sell self-discipline in pill form these days? No? Bummer. 'Cause, dude...I would so be first in line for that. I would still want it even if it was a suppository (is that spelled right?), and I don't do stuff that includes stuff being put up my butt. Ever. So don't ask.
I can talk the talk like an expert; give myself all the pep talks I want until I’m blue in the face, but it just doesn’t seem to sink in. All the way in. It’s just barely penetrating the surface and then it evaporates, leaving behind the residue of good intentions but that’s about it.
I think I am waiting for someone else to lose this weight for me - just like I am waiting for someone else to clean my house, handle my finances, and pack up my house for this move in July. Even though I KNOW that no one can lose this weight for me, it seems like that is how I feel. If I just wish, pray, cry or concentrate hard enough, I won't really have to do the work.
All I can do is keep trying. Maybe one day something will penetrate this weird rubber layer that I am insulated with, and some little grain will get into my consciousness and take root and grow.
And so, I am trying once again. I have decided to follow the WW plan (points) while trying to make my choices fit in with the Belly Fat Cure plan. I am going back to documenting everything I eat (I loathe that part, but I know it really works), and since I am drop dead broke, sticking to the WW plan actually helps because I can buy the Smart Ones or Lean Cuisine frozen entrees and usually stay within my budget. It will also help that all of my money is gone because then I have to eat what I brought to work for lunch, instead of bailing on it and eating out at Taco Bell or similar. Buying processed foods can be tricky in keeping in line with the Belly Fat plan, but it will still be better than eating out.
I plan to start posting my daily intake on here again (does it count as again if you never really did it before?), and hopefully that commitment to honesty will also help keep me in line. I have also managed to get my blood pressure RX refilled, so I should loose about 5lbs in water weight (all from my ankles) and it should keep me from retaining so much as I go along. I find that as my weight drops, the swelling gets better – probably because my general body inflammation that obesity causes is also being reduced.
So, that is where I stand (wobbily) right now. My move is coming up faster than I can deal with, my left ankle is bad and now my right hip is bothering me; I haven't been doing any walking and the countdown has already started for the ALS walk in September. Time to GET WITH IT.
Wish me luck.
Wednesday, April 14, 2010
I've been eating a little better - actually, more like just eating a little less. These next two weeks are going to be super tight money wise, so I'm going to load up on Smart Ones and Lean Cuisines to keep me from eating out at lunchtime; and will think up some easy and cheap stuff for dinners. Tonight I will have a 1/4 cup of Lloyd's shredded BBQ beef on an English muffin with some applesauce and one serving of Pringles Mexican Layered Dip chips on the side. Hopefully that will hold me for the evening. If I am good and don't watch TV all night, then I won't crave goodies (lately I have been on a cake binge - it's hard to find good enough cake around here, and that is a good thing!!).
Welp, gotta go throw some stuff in the washer and make myself dinner so that I don't get too hungry. That spells trouble for me.
Thursday, April 8, 2010
*insert “World’s Worst Weight Loss Blog Ever Award here*
I am still working on the issues with my therapist that cause me to run straight to food for comfort; the hard part is that it is basically everything in my life! I have a lot of holes in my heart and soul, and I recognize now that I use food as a kind of spackle to try to fill those holes. Now I just have to work on finding other ways to fill those holes instead of using food. It may take a while.
So I have decided to change tactics.
One of my nieces sent me an email yesterday that has lit a fire under me for a couple of reasons. Her father, my sister’s ex-brother-in-law, has ALS (better known as Lou Gehrig’s disease). She sent out an email asking for creative ideas for a team name because she is getting one together for an ALS walk. We traded a few emails back and forth, then I thought – hey, why not find out when the walk is? If I haven’t moved back to Washington yet, I will do it here in Billings by myself in honor of him.
Turns out the walk is September 26th. I will definitely be back on the west coast by then, so I told my niece to sign me up to be on her team.
It’s a three mile walk. She is going to start training for it with one of my other nieces next week. I am going to have to train on my own, at least until I move, but I am going to start this weekend and the goal is to have some endurance built up by the time I move this summer. Then I can finish my training out there.
My niece is in the same boat as me; severely overweight and can’t seem to lose it, and continues to gain weight and be incredibly frustrated by it. We both have PCOS (Poly Cystic Ovarian Syndrome) which can really interfere with weight loss and contribute to weight gain, so she and I can empathize with each other on the weight loss battle. She made the comment that she doesn’t have to be a size 2 to do a three mile walk, and she is totally right. And I told her that if she starts preparing for this walk now, she will be a smaller size when the day for that walk rolls around; and so will I.
So – there you have it. My new goal. I am still going to work on my eating habits, etc., but right now the main goal is exercise. I know that as I start to feel healthier through exercise and start to see changes in my body because of it, it will help me to want to eat better as well. I can’t wait to get started!!
Any tips on how someone my size (5’3” and weight is listed above) and completely sedentary can safely and effectively get started on this exercise goal?
Monday, January 18, 2010
Now comes the hard part.
This is where I usually fall apart - week two. I am happy that I lost weight, and then promptly give myself permission to celebrate with a large pizza and a pumpkin pie. Or ice cream. Or cake. Or donuts. Or all of those things. I am proud of myself that I have not succumbed to that. The other thing I do is be happy about the loss, then go to the store and be resentful about all the foods I "can't" eat. Which is pretty much everything I just listed above. To make matters worse, every bloody store on the planet has Valentine's Day candy freaking EVERYWHERE. But, I persevered; I bought my little steaks and got the hell out of Albertson's before I changed my mind.
The plan is really not hard; it's not like Atkins that denied you carbs of any kind. I don't feel deprived and didn't really have any sugar cravings at all last week. I am allowed to have bread - in fact, I make a screamingly awesome mini pizza on a piece of pita bread that rivals Pizza Hut or Domino's! YUM. Just one fills up that craving for pizza and/or fast food; I feel like I kinda got away with something when I really just stuck to the plan. Again - YAY ME!
I also have to be honest and say that probably half of that weight loss is water weight. My ankles have been swollen to the size of a beluga whale over the last several weeks; sometimes my feet are so swollen I can't get my shoes on. Now they are all tiny and my shoes are tied as tight as they can go. I was off of my blood pressure meds (stupid wage garnishment) and finally bit the bullet and got the RX refilled instead of paying the electric bill, so a lot of that water retention is receding. The tide is now out!
I don't care. 6.6lbs is gone from my frame, and I look forward with great anticipation to watching NFL football and not comparing my weight to the players.
Wednesday, January 13, 2010
Here is a list of things that I look forward to experiencing when I am healthy (and/or thin) enough to do them:
Flying comfortably in an airplane, and knowing that the person next to me is comfortable too because I am not sharing part of their seat with them.
To bend over and tie my shoes without being out of breath.
To fit into anyone’s car and be able to click the seat belt no matter which seat I am sitting in, even the middle in the back.
Wearing pencil skirts and high heels again.
Riding my bike for hours a day, and in the process regaining the fabulous legs I sported as a young woman.
Taking my young great nieces and nephews hiking in the great Pacific Northwest. Or just running, jumping, and playing with them in the back yard.
To be able to ride roller coasters again because the safety bars come all the way down.
Having the self confidence that good health and a healthy body image can give.
Not having to buy my personal under-things (britches and similar) in the industrial section of the plus sized women’s clothier, or online because I can’t find a store that carries said under-things (bolder holders) in my massive size. I want to buy more than body fragrances at Victoria’s Secret.
To buy clothes “off the rack” without having to try them on, because I know they will fit and I will look fabulous. It would be awesome to be on TLC’s What Not To Wear; I am afraid that I won’t have any clue how to dress myself if the size doesn’t have an X in it. Tip: if the skirt is wider than it is long, put it back. Just because they make it in your size does not mean you should be wearing it.
Being fashionable. Perhaps even smugly so.
Doing yoga, tai chi, belly dancing, and other exercises that will make me feel good physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually.
Not being diabetic anymore and saving money on my health insurance because I am not needing to purchase outrageously priced prescription medications anymore.
A good night’s sleep without the C-PAP machine to keep me from dying in the night.
Finding someone to love that loves me back (preferably male).
Finally being happy and content in my own skin.
Being able to fit into my high school letter jacket again (it is super warm and super awesome).
Having more than just a “pretty face”. I want to have a rockin’ bod to go with it.
To hold my head up high at my 30th high school reunion (2015).
To be able to just eat without having to agonize over it or think about it. I will know what I should eat and how much without having to consult books, DVDs, websites, or magic eight balls.
To take dance lessons – ballroom, Latin, and swing!! Dancing with style and skill at my great nieces and nephews weddings.
To not have to have lists like this anymore to remind me of the things I am missing out on just because I am morbidly obese and dangerously unhealthy.
Just to be free, free, free…
What about you? Share what you want to experience in your future – leave your list in the comments.
Tuesday, January 12, 2010
Yep, it’s another gain for me for last week. Well, it’s going to stop. Now. As of yesterday.
I am done procrastinating, and I am ready to get down to business. Don’t ask why, just go with it. That is what I am doing.
I am going to try something new that I think will work for me. Even though my wages are being garnished and I am flat broke, I bought a book from Amazon – The Belly Fat Cure by Jorge Cruise. It was only $9.99, so I figured I would take a chance. Now, normally I steer clear of books about diet and nutrition that have the words “miracle” or “cure” or similar in the title; I am a firm endorser of that famous phrase: if it sounds too good to be true, it usually is. But I was reading an article in the most recent Costco Connection magazine where Jorge was on the cover, and it went into his philosophy a little and it kind of clicked with me. The basic gist of his program is to eat less sugar and carbs. Yes, it’s not new or scientifically ground breaking. And as a type 2 diabetic, it is really how I should be eating anyway. But I have never been able to wrap my head around this; and with all of the studies being done showing that the Atkins plan is really not that healthy for you, I just didn’t really know what to do. I had already pretty much eliminated pasta from my diet because it is high in carbs – but it was hard because when you look at the majority of frozen diet entrees sold in the market today, they all have pasta in them. So I tried really hard to stick to the ones that were pasta free. I don’t normally eat a lot of bread at home, but because I am a fast food addict, avoiding bread was next to impossible. And you all who know me know how I love my pizza! I started ordering Domino’s thin crust pizza when I caved to the craving because their thin crust is ultra thin, and I figured I was saving a ton of carbs just by doing that. Well, obviously it hasn’t been doing me much good.
His philosophy is very close to the one set forth by Dr. Mehmet Oz, author of YOU: Being Beautiful and YOU: On A Diet – it’s all in your waist measurement. If your waist measurement falls into the healthy range, you will be healthy. That doesn’t mean you will be the same size as a Victoria’s Secret model, and that isn’t necessarily a bad thing as I am pretty sure that being 5’10” and only weighing 105lbs isn’t healthy either. For women, the goal waist size should be 35” or less, and for men 40” or less. Do you want to know what my waist measurement is? I don’t want to tell you, but I will since I have pledged complete honesty in this blog. It is 65”. Yep. The tape measure was only 60”, so I had to make an educated estimate past that. Sigh… In the book there is a lot of discussion about Paleolithic times and why our waist-to-hip ratio was important to our ancestors blah, blah, blah; I won’t go into it here. If you want to know about it, read the book. In fact, if you want to follow this plan, read the book and talk to your doctor about it. Here is the plan in a nutshell: structure your daily eating plan around 15 grams of sugar per day and 6 servings of carbs per day – notice I said SERVINGS, not GRAMS. The problem with the Atkins diet is that they want you to eat as close to zero grams of carbs as possible, and that just simply isn’t healthy for you (since carbs are a natural and important part of our diet when consumed in moderation) and it isn’t very practical or enjoyable. The scary thing is how sugar has completely invaded almost everything we eat nowadays, and how it isn’t even necessary in the vast majority of what we consume. There are, of course, naturally occurring sugars such as in fruits and milk. Unfortunately for me, fruit and yogurt are two of my favorite go-to-diet components. Fruit on this plan is assigned a more stingy role in the diet – not cut out altogether, but discouraged as a main staple of the diet. As a type 2 diabetic, this is in line with the medical stipulations on diet in general. And milk has a ton of sugar in it!! Ever heard of lactose? That is the natural occurring sugar in dairy and it doesn’t agree with a lot of people (thus being lactose intolerant). I should stay away from milk anyway, as I do have an allergy to it, but I do love me some cold cereal and milk, and what else are you going to dunk your double stuffed Oreos in? He strongly recommends almond milk, which so far I have not been able to find out here. Oh well, I rarely drink it, just use it in cooking and for the aforementioned cereal and cookies, which I won’t be ingesting much of now anyway.
Anyhoo, basically if you are eating foods lower in sugar and carbs, you will be eating lower calorie foods as well. HOWEVER, and I put this in BIG CAPS, one thing reading food labels over the years has taught me is that food may be low in calories and carbs but can still be high in fat. Like meat and cheese. These can be “freebies” on this plan so you feel like you can eat as much as you want; but they can be quite high in fat so be sure to use moderation. That means don’t stuff your face with them, OK? OK. Glad we covered that. The book has a ton of recipes in it to help you with meals, etc. Oh, and you get to have some fast foods too – like Taco Bell! One of my favorites!! So I liked that provision because I have a tendency to freak out if I can’t have an emergency drive thru option.
There are two things that Jorge and I butt heads on: exercise and diet drinks. He keeps saying how exercise is completely unnecessary and is only needed if you want to build strength. I feel that exercise is a vital part of a healthy human being’s life; maybe not body building or gym membership required type exercise, but you should move your body on a daily basis if you can. That part of the plan kind of bugs me, because it harks back to those fad diets that claim you don’t have to exercise to lose weight. Uh, I disagree. And I agree with Sissy – I don’t want to lose a ton of weight and have my skin hanging off of me like an ill fitting suit. I want to be toned, and that only comes with exercise. The other sore point is diet drinks because of the artificial sweeteners in them. Ok, look – I know that those things are bad for you, and soda pop is basically water and chemicals. I get that, I really do. And I know that aspartame (Equal and NutraSweet) is linked to brain tumors, sucralose (found in Splenda) destroys the good bacteria in your gut and triggers the same blood sugar reactions in diabetics that pure sugar does, and saccharin (Sweet ‘N Low) causes cancer in rats. However, if you want me to get fluids into me, then I will be ingesting them. I will make a diligent effort to cut back, but I love my little packets of powder that I pour into my stainless steel water bottle every day, and I love my Coke Zero. So, back off buddy, lest you reach for my drink and draw back a bloody stump. This is basically the only time I come into contact with artificial sweeteners, and right now I feel I have to choose my battles. When I get close to the end of the war, this will be one of the last battles I fight; hopefully by then I will be strong enough to be victorious!
The other thing that I do like about this plan is that there is no introductory period where you have to cut yourself to the bone and “shock” your system into losing the weight. You just…start. So, I started today. Well, actually yesterday, but I don’t think I did very well. I went grocery shopping last night at Wally World; I didn’t have to buy anything special, but I did need to buy stuff that was – shall we say – appropriate. I did try some sugar free cookies and bought a box of Truvia (a natural sweetener made from the stevia plant – good stuff Maynard). I also purchased a box of instant grits as a sub for my normal morning breakfast of instant oatmeal that I have at my desk at work. No sugar in grits! They were really good too! I got the butter flavor, and it just needed to add about ½ a packet of Truvia as the grits tended to be a bit salty.
We shall see how this goes; I will write again next week (if not sooner) to report on how it’s going. Wish me luck!!