Wednesday, August 18, 2010

A Herd of Turtles

From the movie Jurassic Park:

Dr. Ian Malcolm: [Ian Malcolm leans to face camera in electric tour car when the T-Rex doesn't appear] Now eventually you might have dinosaurs on your, on your dinosaur tour, right? Hello?
Dr. Ian Malcolm: [he taps the camera lens and breathes on it] Yes?
John Hammond: [John Hammond watches the camera feed with his face in his hands] I really do hate that man.

That is how I feel about this blog.

Blog reader: [blog reader leans to face computer monitor when no progress is being reported on blog] Now eventually you might have weight loss on your, on your weight loss blog, right? Hello?
Blog reader: [taps the computer monitor and shakes fist at it] Yes?
Me, the blog writer: I really do hate myself.

The other day I weighed myself for the first time in weeks. It said 337. I stared in disbelief for a few seconds, swore loudly, and was depressed for the rest of the day. That is my highest recorded weight ever.

What the hell is wrong with me?

I’m killing myself here. Literally. My weight is slowly creeping towards the 350 mark when it should be slowly creeping towards the 300 mark. My right hip hurts so bad that it’s making me turn my right foot out at an odd angle when I walk. I won’t even go into the pain in my left ankle. I can barely get around at this point. What is it going to take for me to realize that doing nothing doesn’t work? I cannot wish this weight away. I have to actually DO SOMETHING. ANYTHING at this point would be a good thing. I can talk and talk and talk, but that does not burn any calories and amounts to a whole hill of beans.

I keep thinking that when I get this move over with and I am back with my sister, I will do better. But if I don’t do something NOW, I may not make it there. I am really scared that my body is going to go into all out shut down mode and I will be royally screwed. I don’t want that to be my turning point. I don’t want to go into kidney failure because I have eaten myself into a diabetic coma. I don’t want to have a stroke or a heart attack. I don’t want to have to use recovery from something like that to motivate me to get better.

I read so many inspiring weight loss blogs. Miss Bitch Cakes made her goal weight last week and she looks and is awesome. I cried and cried as I read her blog entry about reaching her goal; I was so happy for her, and I was also so very envious. I know that Tony over at The Anti-Jared would tell me to get up, quit feeling sorry for myself, and just DO IT. He lost over 200 lbs! That is what I need to do, but I just can’t seem to take those first faltering steps. Why? What is holding me back? I don’t know. I just don’t know.

So, last week I joined It reminds me a lot of the Weight Watchers online set up, but this is FREE. I am so broke that I can’t afford the $16.95 a month that WW charges, and if you’ve read this blog at all then you know how I feel about having to pay for help to lose weight. I like tracking all of my info, and I know that journaling is a significant tool in losing weight. My biggest problem is that I have a love/hate relationship with journaling everything. I love to track it; I am an obsessive list maker, and I love charts, etc., so that is right up my alley. I hate trying to figure out how many calories, grams of fat, carbs, etc. is in everything – especially when the information is not written right on the side of whatever it is I’m eating. I find that I eat even more processed foods and fast food simply because it is easier to find the nutritional info than on something I made from scratch at home. Sad. Really, just sad. But, there are some really great tools on the website and some good, if not run-of-the-mill, information as well. I like that there are message boards where you can talk to people (I’m great at that), etc. And just so you know, I was not asked to review the website or anything; it’s just my observations.

Mom is coming out on Saturday to help me get packed up for the big move, and I think she will be very disappointed to see that not only have I not lost weight in the year since we have seen each other, I have actually gained and have not been physically able to be as ready for her arrival as I had planned. Sigh… I won’t be able to blog or track my progress on SP for about two weeks until I get my computer set up in my new space; right now I am using my computer at work (shhhh) to do it all since I haven’t had internet access at home for a few weeks. But Sis signed up for high speed internet through her satellite company and it’s being installed at her house today! YAY!! She has been using dial up for all these years because they are waaaaaaaay out in the sticks; she will be an internet monster once this gets up and going for her!

So, that is the scoop for now. Wish me luck and please don’t give up on me. I want to help people and be inspirational, and I know that is not happening right now. But please know that I am aware, and I am trying really hard to change. Cheers, thanks a lot.



  1. i am so with you right now. i want to copy your post and paste it on my blog. i feel like a complete phony and have been reluctant to post anything on my blog lately because i feel like i don't deserve any readers. i think to myself, who am i fooling? i mean, what's a weight loss blog without weight loss?

    but then i get to thinking that i'm still here, i'm still wanting to lose weight, i'm still trying, i'm not giving up. surely that has to count for something. even though your weight's not going in the right direction right now, i am still inspired by you and your writing.

  2. I am queen of the yo-yo weight loss/gain circuit. I'm looking at another winter of too tight pants because I refuse, REFUSE, to buy a bigger size yet again. I have clothing in 6 sizes, but very few that fit me NOW. So sick of it.