Thursday, November 29, 2012

Can't wait for next weigh in...

My post is a little late this week; sorry. We lost our internet at home because I haven’t been able to get the bill paid, so I have to be sneaky and do this at work. Shhhh…

I guess another reason why it is late is because I am ashamed. I am ashamed because when I weighed in on Monday night I had gained. My current recorded weight is now more than it was the day I started. EERRRGGG.

I DID. NOT. WANT. to go to my meeting to weigh in. I was flipping and flopping back and forth all day about whether or not I was going to go. I knew I had gained; I didn’t need the trim and sporty little receptionist to give me the “knowing eye” and solemnly tell me how much. I didn’t want to sit among the successful that would be able to say that not only had they not gained, they actually lost! I would have to fake a smile and clap for them. And if I didn’t mention skipping the meeting on this blog, no one would ever know.

But then I got to really thinking about it. A gain is a gain, whether or not you acknowledge it aloud, or whether anyone else knows about it. And if I had been one of the successful ones that managed to ride out a tough holiday week without gaining and actually losing weight, I would want people to be genuinely happy for me and I would want that clapping! In fact, I would probably stand up on my chair, wave my arms and bloody DEMAND it! Also, I promised full disclosure and complete honesty on this blog; if I left out or glossed over the fact that I skipped the meeting, not only would I be lying to myself, but I would be lying to any and all that read this blog (and I appreciate each and every one of you). Not cool.

So, I put on my big girl panties and went. I gained 2.2lbs. Not as bad as I had expected actually. Especially since I almost singlehandedly polished off the two pumpkin pies my sister made.

I decided to put a positive spin on this situation and not dwell on the negative parts of it.

I gave myself one pat on the back for actually going to the meeting. I received much needed encouragement; discovered that I actually gained the least out of those that did gain; and I felt in control because I overrode that stupid voice that constantly tries to undermine my attempts at strength building behavior, or that constantly tells me I am a failure so why bother?

My second pat on the back was for only gaining 2.2lbs. Now, that may seem lame and self-enabling to some, and to those who think so, I say BITE ME. Trust me, the fact that I only gained 2.2 and not 12.2 is a big deal. If I had not been paying attention to what or how much I was eating, I would have easily gained 10lbs in a week; I have done it in the past. So, even though I didn’t have perfect self-restraint, I did have some and I feel that it merits acknowledgement. So there. Pffft.

This week has been great. Instead of starting off depressed and negative, I have been positive and in control. I have stuck to my points every day this week; I have planned out what I am going to eat and have figured out the points ahead of time; I have significantly increased my water intake. I have set a reminder in Microsoft Outlook to pop up every hour on my work computer that says DRINK WATER! It’s working. I have been peeing like a racehorse multiple times a day and that is great because – this is a fact I didn’t know until Brock told me – you lose fat through your urine. Yep. I never thought about how fat gets out of my body (probably because it doesn’t happen very often); I thought the body just incinerated it. So, the more you pee the more fat you lose! Woo hoo!!!!

So, I look forward to a loss on Monday night. I can’t wait.

Tuesday, November 20, 2012

Um, I'm going in the wrong direction

Well crap.

Remember the four pounds I lost last week?  I regained 3.6 of them.  EERRGG!!!

I think I have figured out the problem, which is two-fold.

1) I am not drinking enough water.  Surprise!  For the last four days my feet and lower legs are huge and swollen.  To anyone new to my blog, I have a rather common heart condition that isn't very serious, but a very small percentage of people with this condition also have a syndrome that goes with it - I never get thirsty.  Yep, never.  Or I guess I should say, extremely rarely.  I believe this is a huge chunk of my weight issue because I probably confuse thirst with hunger.  You know the deal where you should drink up to 64 oz of liquid a day?  I'm lucky to get that much in a week - and I'm not exaggerating.  I don't drink coffee or tea so I can't count that; I can only drink water if it's ice cold - lukewarm water is disgusting; and I'm trying really hard to cut back on my diet soda consumption.  I buy the little sugar-free flavor packets in pretty much every flavor that's out there and get myself nifty water bottles, etc., but the water just sits there on my desk and never gets touched because it never occurs to me to take a drink.  So, today I am taking charge of this problem.  I set a reminder in my Microsoft Outlook to pop a reminder up on my computer screen every hour that says, "DRINK SOME WATER!!!!"  So far, it's working.  It's 10:15am and I have already had about 24oz of water.  I'm not sure what I will do at home on the weekends, but I'll think of something.

Hold that thought - I have to PEE!

Whew - OK, that's better.

2) I am not journaling or tracking my food.  I said it was my goal last week, and I blew it off.  I keep trying to track it in my head and, obviously, it's not working.  I am not owning this; I am not making it real.  I am just going through the motions, and that does not work.  I have to get it together, track, and be accountable.  I feel like I'm taking a class in school that I truly am interested in, but so far I'm just kind of cruising through on auto-pilot.  Well, I just got a big, fat, "F" on my first real test and it's like someone walked up and slapped me in the forehead.

So - two goals this week:  drink fluids, track food.  It's not rocket science, just gotta DO IT!

Oh, and the first week where I lost weight, I was wearing my C-PAP machine at night.  Last week?  Didn't wear it at all.  I'm going to wear it every night this week and we'll see if it helps.

Wish me luck!

Wednesday, November 14, 2012

My message on the WW 200+ to lose board

Today I took a deep breath and put it all out there on the message boards at WW.  I like the "200+ pounds to lose" board; those people on there are so inspirational!

Here is what I posted:

Hi guys – just wanted to introduce myself! My name is Heather (aka Big Auntie) and I joined WW for the third (and last) time on 11/5/12. I live in western Washington state, waaaaay out in the boonies, with my sister, BIL and my BIL’s friend. We have 6 dogs, 2 cats, chickens, ducks, and goats. I love my sister more than life itself, but I am not a happy camper in life.

I have a very unhealthy relationship with food; I have allowed it to control me and it has become the only thing that brings me happiness – albeit temporarily. I hate my job, am not happy at home, and the last time I had anyone in my life romantically it was 1984.

Two weeks ago I was pouring myself a huge bowl of cereal and adding sugar to it when our friend said to me, “You know that stuff will kill you.” My reply, without even thinking, was, “That’s the plan.” I have been a long-time sufferer of depression and have suspected for some time that I have been trying to commit a slow-suicide with food, but it never really pierced my consciousness until I said that out loud to another person. For some reason, after trying for 20+ years to lose weight but only succeeding in getting fatter, something clicked. I don’t want to live this way anymore. But I do want to live.

I decided to do the WW w/meetings this time. I don’t have any friends and the people here at work at pretty anti-social, but nice. Due to our current work/financial situation at home, I rarely get to see my sister anymore, but she is very supportive of my desire to lose weight. Between work and home, I feel like the mother stuck at home with a bunch of toddlers, aching for adult conversation. I have been to two meetings so far and really like the group that meets there, and I really like the leader, Sue. I lost four pounds my first week so I am headed in the right direction.

I want to lose this weight because I have let it define me, and this is not the legacy I want to leave behind. I am a fun, spontaneous type of person, and being 230 pounds overweight holds me back from being who I truly am. I haven’t had any mirrors around me that show my body from lower than my shoulders for years and I am devastated every time I see my reflection in a store window. The bathroom I use at my sister’s house has a mirror that shows me from mid-thigh up and it is directly opposite the shower; it ruins my day on a constant basis.

My weight problems began when I was about 17; I lost about 20 pounds during the school year for no reason that we can think of; it just simply fell off. The summer between my junior and senior year I gained about 35 pounds just as easily as I lost the previous 20. I went on a 2-week trip to my grandmothers and none of the clothes I left with fit for the trip home. My boyfriend could not believe his eyes when he saw me the day after I got home. I struggled to lose the weight – I had to get it off before school started because I had to fit into my band uniform. I have gained an average of 10 pounds per year since then (sometimes I didn’t gain weight for several years, then suddenly – BAM! 20 pounds gained seemingly overnight). I have had all the thyroid tests – every new doctor takes one look at me and screams, “THYROID!” with delight, only to have all the panels come back normal. They hate that.

Sorry to go on and on about myself, but I hope that if there is someone out there like me, hanging back, just reading the boards and perhaps feeling like no one understands how they feel – they might see this and see themselves and know that they are not alone. Thanks to all of you that post on this board – you are very inspirational to me.

Well, that's it for today.  I've been sood so far and tracking all my food this week, even though it was CHICKEN ENCHILADA DAY yesterday, and then we had pizza for dinner on top of that!  I still managed to have 18 of my weekly "splurge" points left for the week because I only had two medium slices of pizza instead of 5 or 6 huge ones.  Yay me!

Tuesday, November 13, 2012

First official week on WW (again)

Woohoo! I lost four pounds this week, and am two pounds ahead of schedule. I made a line chart in Excel to track my weight (even though the WW site does it for me, I like mine better) and track my actual weight vs. my weekly goal weight, which is a loss of 2 lbs per week.

I am terrible about tracking my food; I do it in my head, just like my bank balance. That usually works out OK, but sometimes I lose track of how much money I have and things get…erm…interesting; the same thing happens with my food points. I am making it a goal to track/journal all of my food this week.

On the new system, not only do you get your allotted points for the day (depending on your current weight) but you also get an extra 49 points per week (or 7 extra points per day) to use at your discretion (regards of your current weight). You are encouraged to use them all each week – hooray! I intend to fully comply with that. I use most of them on Tuesdays because it’s Chicken Enchilada Day! This way I get what I feel like I “need” to keep myself from feeling deprived and depressed, and in the long run it will keep me from quitting. I can’t help it right now that I need an “off” day; it’s something I will work on in the future, but it will overwhelm me right now. As I learn better habits and my desire for all things cheesy and sour-creamy finally start ebbing away, then I will have a better chance at success for ridding myself of these nothing-is-off-limits-you-deserve-a-break kind of “off” days. One of the signs I am going to print out and hang in prominent display is: Do not reward yourself with food. You are not a dog. I don’t see chicken enchilada Tuesdays as a reward, just a…ah…coping mechanism. For now. Shut up.

I am also going to purchase the WW’s version of the Body Bug – it’s called the ActiveLink™. I won’t be getting it for another week or so (damn budget, stupid gas for car), but I’m very excited about it. Basically, it’s a USB-type thingy that you clip to yourself somewhere (like a bra strap or waistband) and it monitors and records your activity every day. You take it off at the end of the day and dump the information into the WW eTools program. It tells you how active you were and how many WW activity points you earned, which you can then trade for food points if you want to. You wear it for the first eight days and just do what you normally do – don’t start your exercise program just yet. This gives the program a base-line; then it will suggest a 12-week program to increase your activity. This way, if you are an absolute slug at the bottom of the activity scale (like me), you don’t go joining the advanced Zumba class at the local gym and have a massive cardiac event 30 seconds into the work out. It will step you up gradually and give you ideas for increasing your activity. Our WW leader does not use her activity points for food; she uses hers for motivation. She knows how many she wants to get in a day, and if she sees that she isn’t going to make it, she gets motivated to get moving. I need that.

So, that’s where I’m at right now. So far, so good. One week down, many more to go, but I’m just trying to take it a day at a time right now. My first goal is my 5% mark – 17 pounds lost by New Year’s Day. Only 13 more pounds to go and seven weeks to get there. I can do it.

I can do it!

Wednesday, November 7, 2012

All by myself...

I decided over the weekend that I just could not fight this battle on my own. On Monday night I went to a Weight Watchers meeting in Longview (near where I work) and joined up. I have done WW before, as I’ve mentioned, but I did it online last time. I enjoyed it, but I think I am the type of person that needs real life, face to face interaction. So I decided to go with the meetings this time around. I got the Monthly Pass so that the meeting dues are cheapest and this way I could go to a second meeting closer to home on Saturday mornings if I want/need to. I probably won’t do that as I enjoyed the people that meet on Monday nights, and it will be much more convenient to do it after work. I have to drive right by where the meeting is held on my way home anyway; and the Saturday meeting is about 20 minutes away from home and is at 9:30am. I know that I will wind up blowing that one off because I always sleep in on Saturdays!

I will start posting my weight from the official WW weigh in.

I did terribly yesterday; I forgot my breakfast at home so had to eat at the café here at the mill, it was chicken enchilada day for lunch, and Sis wanted me to run an errand with her the second I got home and so wound up eating Safeway Chinese food at 8pm.

Today was better. I packed my breakfast and lunch; not sure what the situation will be for dinner at the moment but I have 20 points left for the day so I should be able to make just about anything work.

My goal is to work on getting my meals organized for the week and prepared the night before. For some reason this is really difficult for me, but it is something I must overcome if I am to succeed. My 5% goal is 17 lbs, and my 10% goal is 34 lbs. I hope to reach my 5% goal by January 1st. I never got my motivational signs put up, so I will work on that this weekend. I need to step up my activity level, and have started doing that by parking further away from the lab at work. It sucks, but it’s something.

If you use WW’s eTools, drop me a comment with your user name and we can friend each other! I have almost 250lbs to lose, so I can use all the encouragement I can get! I’ll try to get Sis to take a current picture of me so that I can replace the one that I am currently using on this blog.

Well, that’s the scoop for now!