Monday, June 28, 2010
Despite my melt down a few days ago, I still managed to pull off a loss and I am really happy about that. I am now past 10% of my goal, and on my weight loss thermometer I have moved out of FROZEN and into VERY COLD! I love being able to take my red pen and fill in those pounds lost.
Normally this is the point where I start to unravel. I get a little success under my belt, I tell a few people about it, then my brain shuts off and my mouth opens and all the crap starts filling me back up.
I am determined not to do that to myself this week.
I am going to keep going with the “one day at a time” cliché that really works. I will only worry about today; making sure I make the best food choices that I can (and I packed my lunch today – yay me) and drink as much water as I can and move my body when I can. I worked in the yard a little bit yesterday, pulling all the weeds along the fence that borders the sidewalk in the front yard. It was starting to resemble the Amazon jungle out there, and it made me wince every time I came home from work. It wasn’t really that strenuous; I just sat on the ground and pulled everything within reach, then moved down the line as needed. That’s it. This morning, my legs and back are as stiff and sore as if I’d done some Jazz-ercise or something! But I will take that stiffness and channel it as a success. If I hadn’t used the muscles more than normal, then they wouldn’t be sore, right? Right. Now I just need to get up the gumption to mow the lawn. Yuck.
So, as Red Green says, “Keep your stick on the ice.”
Saturday, June 26, 2010
Today is a new day. I have gathered myself together and am moving on.
I have issues. I realize that. The incident yesterday shows that I still have far to go on this journey, and that I still have things that I need to figure out.
I need to find a more constructive way to deal with my feelings of anger, regret, self-loathing and self-pity. Oh, that self-pity is a real favorite of mine. Why do I have to resort to food when I hit an emotional brick wall? Why can't I do pilates or drop and do crunches until I puke? Dunno. Yet.
So, today is a re-grouping day. I am off to get dressed and put on the dancing tunes. I have already loaded up my 5-CD player on the big living room stereo with ABBA's greatest hits, Lady Gaga, the soundtrack to Once Upon A Time In Mexico, and two dance club CDs and I'm off to dance my blues away. Even though it is kind of drizzly outside, I am going to open every window in the house to let in the fresh air. I think it will help me blow some of these nonconstructive cobwebs from my brain. I also hope to get outside today and pull weeds around the yard; it's staring to look like a jungle out there and I hate that.
Friday, June 25, 2010
And there it was.
Two tons of salt rubbed into an old wound that has never healed (or been allowed to heal). No one did it purposely; it was something innocent and nothing to every other living being on the planet, but to me...it was a reminder:
HEY! REMEMBER THAT THING THAT YOU CAN'T GET OVER THAT YOU TRY REALLY HARD NOT TO THINK ABOUT EVERY FRICKIN DAY OF YOUR LIFE THAT HAPPENED 25 YEARS AGO THAT YOU CANNOT FOR THE LIFE OF YOU LET GO?
HAVE YOU FORGOTTEN?
And I logged on and went straight for the pizza.
I cried while ordered it.
I wept while I ate it.
I didn't enjoy it.
I hate my life.
I hate myself.
I am going to bed before I do any further damage.
Wednesday, June 23, 2010
Now, onto the topic at hand: weight loss, weight loss, weight loss. I’m still plugging away and crossing my fingers for another loss on weigh-in day. I caved in to my screaming desire for cake last night on my way home from work and purchased a (very large) “single” cake slice and fully intended to eat it after dinner. It is cherry cake, with lovely sugary pink cherry icing – one of my favorites.
I realized at 10:15 this morning, at my desk at work, that I had forgotten all about it last night and it is still sitting in the grocery bag in the kitchen at home.
Now the challenge is to see how long I can let it sit there before actually eating it. Or whatever.
New topic (sort of). On Deceiver.com, there is a post about The Biggest Loser (you can read the post and comments here). I have made my feelings known about TBL and how I don’t really think it’s healthy for the body, mind or spirit; and I have also said that if given a chance to be on the show, I would probably still do it. I know that is a total contradiction, but I guess that I am probably one of the key targets that this show is aimed at. I know it’s unhealthy to lose massive amounts of weight in a short period of time; I have read the studies that say that if you lose it slowly and regularly, you have a much better chance of keeping it off and not regaining; but I also know that we live in a society that is totally into instant gratification, and I am a HUGE fan of instant gratification (pun intended). Thus my addiction to fast food and all things deep fried, heavily processed, and all around unhealthy. And my love of seeing people drop massive amounts of weight in a very short period of time.
When I see commercials on TV for some product (pill, cream, diet shakes, work out plan) and the lovely size 2 woman declares in a voice befitting one that just won the lottery, “I lost eight pounds in six weeks!!”, it makes me spit my Coke Zero across the living room and burst into hysterical laughter. Wow – I wish I could be that excited about watching paint dry! Here’s my credit card – sign me up!
I know that losing the weight and maintaining a healthy life style will be something I will have to work at for the rest of my life, however long that may be. But, I don’t want to take six weeks to lose eight pounds (even though that is considered to be healthy at 1.33 pounds per week). I mean, that would be fine and dandy if all I needed to lose was eight frickin’ measly pounds. But I need to lose a minimum of 200 lbs. I want to lose eight pounds EVERY week. I also know that the heavier you are, the more you can actually expect to have weeks were you will lose more than the trust-us-it’s-healthier-this-way 2 lbs per week, and as you get closer and closer to your goal, that weight loss will slow down significantly.
But I digress. Sorta.
One thing I found interesting about the interview with the former TBL cast member was that she said that even though the show leads you to believe that only a week has gone by and that the number they put up as a loss is for 7 days, it isn’t always the truth. Apparently some of the “weeks” are longer than the 7 days we all assume the show is showing us. Bastards. I feel more than a little duped by that. And even though I know you can’t trust “reality” shows to be 100% real, I didn’t see that little deception coming. And it pisses me off.
I have never tried to model my weight loss plan off of TBL because I knew the results were impossible to achieve at home, unless you were independently wealthy, unmarried and childless. I know that the contestants spend 6-8 hours per day in the gym, and no one is going to be able to do that in real life, away from a rehab-like setting where people watch you 24/7. I don’t like the way they push people to the point of vomiting or nearly killing themselves by flying off the treadmill, only to be mocked and made fun of for it. I hate the blatant product placement and trying to make it seem like if you just chew this gum, it will help you lose weight! I also do not care for the scream-therapy that the trainers seem to be so fond of. Even Bob, who in the past was always so calm and sweet, has taken to following Jillian’s cue of belittling and screaming until frothy at the mouth, then hugging the person and trying to extract that break-through moment in “private” when they stomp out of the gym, vowing to quit and never return. Yes, that “private” moment when they are all mic’d for sound and have a guy with a 40lb camera on his shoulder in their face; hoping for that emotional memory of whatever it was that made them decide they weren’t worth anything, weren’t good enough, and had completely given up on themselves. I have not watched Jillian’s new show, and I never will. I would not want that woman in my home for any amount of money.
Hmmm…looking back over this post, I seem to have struck a nerve, no?
Anyhoo, I will continue to search for what works for me. You need to continue to search what works for you. I am not giving up hope that one day there will be a miracle pill that will let me wake up in a puddle of melted fat and miraculously turn me into a size 2; but in the meantime, I will have to work hard for those results.
Besides, if they ever did make that pill, I probably wouldn’t be able to afford it, and the aftermath would be a completely ruined mattress. Yuck.
Monday, June 21, 2010
I will not lie and say the week was easy; it wasn't. I ate a lot of beef jerky, and I just wanted pizza every. single. night. I did eat some fast food but I kept it in line with my eating plan for the week, so there is proof for you that you can have a little of the stuff you love and think you can't live without, and still lose a little weight. I have been really struggling this week with weather-influenced migraines, and sometimes I just don't want to eat at all (but I make myself - gotta eat to lose ya know!) and the rest of the time I want comfort food. Mostly, I want comfort food made personally by my mother. Which won't be happening because she is 1,000 miles away. Nuts.
But Mother Nature decided to intervene yesterday to help keep me on track.
At 4:30pm it was hailing so hard it was making my teeth rattle. Here is a fuzzy picture of one the larger hailstones that landed on my front steps:There were larger ones than this out on the lawn, but there was so much lightning I was scared to go get one!
At about 7:45pm, I could not resist the siren song of the pizza delivery conglomerates, so I caved in. I went online to Domino's, but they were offline and not taking online orders. I could have called but was too lazy. So I tried Papa John's; same story. I figured that the power was out or something since the power at my house had been going on and off a few times. I then decided that Dairy Queen would nicely fill the void, so I threw on my shoes and grabbed the camera - just in case anything interesting popped up from the hail storm.
I headed down Main Street and got to Hillview where the intersection was completely closed with fire trucks and police cars. You could either turn right and go back up into the Heights neighborhood, or you could turn left towards the river. I opted to turn left, figuring that perhaps the Albertsons parking lot had flooded or something and that was why the street was closed. I turned right on Joyce, which runs parallel to Main Street, and tried to look through the buildings to see what all the hub-bub was about. Couldn't see anything wrong at all! Hmmmm... I continued down the street and turned right on the little street that leads to the DQ; pulled up to the DQ and realized that it was all dark. CRAP! That was when I knew the cosmos was conspiring against me - having fast food just was NOT in the cards for me today!
The DQ is situated on top of a hill; you can follow the road behind it down the steep hill into a large Target parking lot where there is a little strip mall to the right with a MacKenzie River restaurant, a 31 Flavors, Radio Shack, etc. There is a McDonald's at the far end of the parking lot. As I was coming down the hill towards the lot, I was shocked to see that it was pretty much empty except for a few fire trucks, Battalion Commander SUVs...um is that insulation? And...sheet rock? What the...? To the right of the lot I could see clots of vehicles parked, people running to the top of the grassy knoll (no relation) that bordered Main Street with cameras and children in tow. I could see the bright yellow DO NOT CROSS police tape strung everywhere. WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON?
Well, at the time that hell's fury in the form of hail was raining down upon my house at 4:30pm, a tornado touched down on Main Street. I live about 1.5 miles away; never heard the sirens or anything. No less than six businesses, including the McD's, were either heavily damaged or destroyed completely.
I stood dumbfounded - gobsmacked (that's for you, Blue) - along with many of my fellow neighbors. It's one thing to see something like this on TV, but to see it first hand? It is awe-inspiring. The 18,000 square foot business complex across Main Street that housed a Kawasaki dealership and the owner's sister's active wear shop is pretty much a total loss. The upside? Amid the debris of the ruined building and scattered brand new motorcycles, T-cat, the owner's kitty, had ridden out the tornado and lived to tell about it. The Lake Elmo Coin Op had no windows left, and most of the lettering had been ripped from the building. Fas-Break Glass is completely destroyed; the roof ripped off and thrown into nearby Alkali creek (along with a pick up truck) and siding torn off the walls down to the plywood covering the studs. The Main Street Casino and Restaurant is heavily damaged, along with McD's.
For reasons only the tornado knows, it skipped diagonally from the glass company, over the top of the small strip of stores with the Subway and the liquor store, bypassing the large, 3-story hotel that was sitting right there, and slammed into and danced on top of the Rim Rock Auto Arena in the Metrapark. This is the building where Billings holds all of its large venue concerts, rodeos, trade shows, and conventions. The Billings Outlaws - the arena football league team that we are all so very proud of - held its last regular season game there...the day before - on Saturday, with thousands of fans packed in. Most of the 97,263 square foot roof is gone or collapsed; the building is a total loss. It will have to be completely demolished and rebuilt because it is now structurely unsound.
The miraculous thing is - not one single reported injury. No one died. No homes were destroyed, although there was one home that got its front porch removed, and a few houses where skylights shattered and let in waterfalls of rain and hail; but considering what could have been...
So, there you have it. The cosmos literally moving heaven and earth to keep me from DQ.
Next time, a supportive phone call will do nicely. Thanks.
Tuesday, June 15, 2010
I feel positive.
I feel ready.
I feel prepared.
I was reading some of the blogs I follow and several of them said exactly what I needed to hear today; the two I found the most boosting were Jack Sh*t's (damn it's hard not to type that "I") and The Anti-Jared's (Monday's post). Thanks guys.
Last night after work I went grocery shopping. As I watched a little TV (well, to be honest, a little more than I had scheduled) I got out my food scale and the sandwich baggies and divided up all of my food into single servings and marked them with how many WW points each serving was. I'm not a current WW member, but I find the points system keeps me on track right now. I will be honest and say that I still don't make the most healthy choices - I kind of eat what I like and just make it work with the Points; that is something I plan to change with time. Right now my main focus is staying within the points every day; I will start rearranging my actual eating habits once I get that first step down.
I was able to grab my lunch painlessly as I was on my way out the door this morning, and that made me very happy and put a little spring in my step. Speaking of steps, I still have my walking sticks here at work and plan to walk around the warehouse again today.
I am going to best that I can today, and I'm not worrying about tomorrow until later. Right now, I need to do what I can in the moment that I am in, and that is how it is going to be.
I wish everyone the best; I know from reading some of your blogs that some of you are struggling with idiots out there that have no clue how hard your journey has been (and still is). Do not sell yourself short; it does not matter how you are making it happen - bypass, lap band, plain 'ol dieting, exercise, or a combination - one is not more noble than another. Each journey is as individual as a fingerprint. Every journey requires dedication, hard work, and sacrifice. Some have swift and short journeys, others take a lifetime to finally see results, most are somewhere in-between; the important thing is that you do the best you can in the way that works for you - and to hell with the people that don't "get it". That is their problem, not yours. Just remember - you may be fat now, but you are losing the weight. If they are an asshole now, they will probably be one for the rest of their lives. I know that makes ME feel better!
Monday, June 14, 2010
I have my day planner on hand today; I cleaned out the freezer yesterday and dumped all of the stuff that was all stuck together and/or in there since 2008. So basically the freezer is empty except for a couple of Smart Ones and Lean Cuisines. I have my grocery list in the day planner and will hit the grocery store on the way home. I will have my meals planned for the next several days (if I try to plan more than that, my brain locks up and shuts down, and that's bad mmmkay?). I have my TV watching planned through Wednesday so that I don't just turn on the boob tube when I get home and then velcro my butt to the couch for an Olympic round of channel surfing.
I am going to get with it come hell or high water. And I will be able to record a loss on my record of weigh-ins to the right, and I will feel good about it.
So there. Pfft.
Saturday, June 12, 2010
Since some of the stupid people in this neighborhood decided I had slept long enough this morning, I got up and tried to get going. I got to thinking about a conversation I had with Sissy the other day about how we don't seem to eat on the weekends (or on the days she doesn't work which is Monday-Thursday). Since those days for us do not have the structure of our work days, eating seems to take a back seat to whatever else we have going on that day. I have realized that without structure to my day, I become glued to the couch and the TV, aimlessly frittering my only free time away senselessly. I am tired of doing that. So, this morning I ran down to Office Max and got a refill for my DayTimer that I got a year or so ago to keep track of my newly diagnosed diabetes. The plan here is to combine my obsessive list making and desire for structure and put it to good use. I find that I do not plan my meals ahead of time, and that is bad, mmmkay? I intend to start planning my meals on a weekly basis so that I don't just leave it to chance and whatever I scrounge together every morning as I am running out the door to work. And if I make myself a structured plan for the weekend then I will not be eating only once a day at 4:30pm and be ordering pizza. So, that is my plan. Wish me luck.
A new follower to my blog, WarehouseActress, apparently noticed my penchant for being hard on myself and dared me to use my obsessive list making skills to make a list of all the things I like about myself. This is kind of hard because I really hate to give myself any credit for good things, lest someone feel that I am a jerk for blowing my own horn. Well, if you don't like it, tuff titties because I am going to take that dare. Here we go:
- I am a fun person. I love all things fun and spontaneous.
- I can be funny. Sometimes it's only me that laughs, but that is OK.
- I am loyal. It takes a lot of crap for me to turn my back on you.
- I am loving. I have a big heart and I have lots of love to give; if I think you need some, I am very generous with my supply.
- I am kind and empathetic. Some people don't get the difference between sympathy and empathy; I do, and I know how to use them properly in a sentence and in everyday life.
- I respect everyone on the planet as a fellow human being until they show me a reason why I should not.
- I love to hug.
- I am a really good driver.
- I am creative.
- I am patient. Most of the time. Usually.
- I am a "glass half full" type of person. I try to see the good in people and situations, and always try to give the other guy the benefit of the doubt.
- I can sing pretty well.
- I love beauty in nature, in all its forms.
- I believe in giving credit where credit is due.
- I do not see people in regards to their skin color, ethnic background, religion, sexual preference, country of origin, planet of origin, or anything else that can label you. I see you as human and that is all.
This is a lot harder than I thought!! Thanks, WarehouseActress! Now, I pass her dare along to all of you. When you feel like you are stupid or too fat or a failure, make your own list. Be proud of who you are.
Thursday, June 10, 2010
Sis’s reply to my email: Hmmmmmm, kinda interesting. If you think it will help you, then I'm all for it!
I kind of expected a more enthusiastic response; but then I got to thinking about how she said, “If you think it will help you”, and that made me think…why do I need to pay for a little plastic thingy with lights on it to encourage me to move my body more? Why do I need to pay someone to tell me to move my body more? I already know that I need to get the body moving. Heck, my mom is always encouraging me (in her way, such as it is) to get out and be more active – maybe I should just pay her! Especially since I already owe her money! Joy!
I guess the little thingy appeals to me because I am some sort of visually responsive person. Maybe it’s why I compulsively make lists – I love being able to see that I have crossed things off. I like making graphs and posting charts and weight loss thermometers to track my weight loss (when I’m actually losing weight, that is) because I like seeing the lines move in the direction that indicates that I am doing well. I like the idea of seeing all the charts and graphs that would show my daily/weekly/monthly progress with the exercise thingy.
But do I really need that?
One of the things that really pisses me off about being overweight is all the money to be made from my personal struggle. There are self-help books and diet books and diet cookbooks and diet CDs and diet DVDs and on-line diet plans and diet clubs and exercise DVDs and exercise equipment and diet supplements and diet pills and powders and shakes and bars and frozen meals and gimmicks and gizmos and if you laid them all out end to end there wouldn’t be enough room for actual humans on the planet. And all of them want my money. And your money. And your spouse’s money. And your mother’s and your sister’s and your brother’s and your dog’s money. And 99.99992% of all of that junk either doesn’t work or actually boils down to the mysterious secret of true weight loss: stop stuffing your face with crap and move your ass. Of course, that can’t really be the true answer because if it was truly that simple then everybody would be doing it. Right? Can I get an Amen?
Now, I just want to be clear on one thing: I am not dissing anyone that uses anything listed above, or this nifty little do-hicky that Jack is currently using. Like my sister said, if you think it will help you…and I am 100% behind anything that actually helps. I have not closed the door on getting one of these little thingys and using it myself. And if Phillips actually offered me one for free (or at least free for the first four months), you know I would be jumping at it.
But since I am cripplingly broke and it doesn’t really make sense for me to spend cash money on this little exercise thingy when I can’t even afford to do Weight Watchers online and since I have had this epiphany that I have shared with you all – I have decided to do what I already know I need to do, and do it for free. I work in an office that is actually just a fancy walled off corner in a three story warehouse. I am going to start walking around inside the warehouse on this main floor during lunchtime, and will start to add in some stairs once I have built up some stamina. It’s not really safe to walk outside in this neighborhood, mostly because our building is right on a main street that is commonly mistaken for the Indy 500 and there are limited sidewalks that would need to be shared with some pedestrians of questionable character and hygiene habits. Also, this way I won’t be able to walk past my endurance’s point of no return, stranding myself somewhere down the street and not being able to walk back. It won’t be a lot of walking, but it will be 100% more than I have been doing.
I am actually looking forward to it. Weird, huh? I just might have to make a chart.
Monday, June 7, 2010
However, for the last few days I have been experiencing a small wave of rejuvenation for some reason, so I am running with it. I feel a little more in control, a little more excited, a little more inspired. (Blue – I think the ripples in my pond are getting close to shore! Or something like that.)
Anyhoo, one of the things I did this morning (from work – I love it when everyone is gone to sales conferences!!) is go to Dotti’s Weight Loss Zone website (www.dwlz.com) and print off the weight loss thermometer. Her website is like a carnival of weight loss stuff. It can be really helpful if you follow Weight Watcher’s Points plans, and there are lots of funny stories, pictures of her journey, product coupons, you name it.
As I mentioned before, I wanted to lose weight before my move back to Washington in July and I was really disappointed in myself for not making any progress. Well, my boss came to me on Friday and begged me to stay in Montana through the end of August. After some thought, I agreed. I think this is why I am feeling a little…relieved? I think that is probably the best word to describe how I’m feeling. I am not relieved to be postponing the actual move itself – I want to be in Washington with my family NOW! But, I do feel relieved in that I have been given more time; more time to lose weight, more time to pack. Whew!
My goal is to be under 300 lbs by September 1st. I think that is pretty reasonable and definitely attainable. So I printed off my weight loss thermometer and filled in the .6 drops in my weight that will be needed to reach the goal. I noticed that as I got closer and closer to writing in my goal weight (299.0) I could feel myself getting more and more excited. How funny is it that I get excited to just write the numbers? If that is what it takes to keep my momentum going, I will fill notebooks with them! All counting down from 330.2.
Tuesday, June 1, 2010
Please to enjoy.
aha moment: big auntie learns how to get smaller.