This Week's Progress

Today’s post comes with a TMI warning. If you are uncomfortable with discussing the potential affects of diet changes on the human colon, please proceed with caution.

I feel I made some progress this week with my baby step changes. I had one 12oz can of diet Coke in the extremely early hours of Thursday morning (you can read about why on my non-weight loss blog - see list on my side bar) and one 20oz diet Dr. Pepper that I spread across two days. Does that mean it counts as two? I normally would have wolfed the entire 20oz in one sitting, so I kind of feel that it counts as two halves of one soda. In any case, it’s about 60oz less this week than in the past. I also drank more plain water than water with sugar-free flavor powder added. Now to extend this accomplishment into next week.

I did great with the sugar intake until yesterday and today, and to be honest, I don’t want to talk about it. Suffice it to say, I’d like a word with Kellogg’s to find out why they have waited until now to introduce Buttery Toffee Rice Krispies Treats. Bastards.

I am now going to talk about fiber (and this is where the TMI warning comes into play).

I have discovered that my body responds to fiber in my diet the same way I respond to a spider in the bathtub: Oh my god. What is that? Is that…GAHHHH!!! Kill it! Kill it! KILL IT KILL IT KILL IT!!! GAAAHHH! DROWN IT WITH SCALDING HOT WATER! OH MY GOD NOW IT’S FLOATING ON THE WATER! SET FIRE TO THE WATER! SET FIRE TO THE BATHTUB! RUN FOR YOUR LIFE! GAAAHHHH!!!

I added fiber to my diet thusly: one orange, two servings of raw carrots, and two apples. Over four days. The fourth day, Wednesday, at around 2pm, I was in the small bathroom tucked away behind the stock shelves in the lab at work. Holy molten butt-lava, Batman. Fortunately, the loud air exchange fans that are running back in that part of the lab covered my whimpers of pain and shock and the wild elephant noises. It’s also a good thing that this is a private, one-holer, as trying to quietly have explosive diarrhea in a public restroom is pretty near impossible. As I perched on the seat in as close to the fetal position as I could manage, watching the paint peel from the walls, I thought – what the hell? I knew that if I ate a salad everyday, I could experience this. But just a couple of apples, carrots, and a single orange? REALLY?

I didn’t let it stop me though. The next day was weird (again I refer to you my other blog), but on Friday I had a salad with some soup (with potatoes and corn) as well as another apple for lunch. I was bloated and probably could have powered my vehicle home just by putting my butt out the window, but I survived. I’m hoping that this will clear itself up in time. If not, well, I’ll figure something out.

Hopefully the weather will hold out this weekend for me to get some outdoor exercise in. If not, I will dig out my “walking in place” DVD, puff the dust off of it, and put it to good use.

I plan to keep with the baby steps and then add a few more. Hang in there with me, and please pass the extra soft Charmin.

Cheers. Thanks a lot.

PS – Just for fun, here is a picture of me and my mom circa 1967 when I was seven months old. Do I look like trouble or what? And isn’t my mom gorgeous?

A Whole Bunch of Little Baby Steps

I’m only through the first chapter of Crazy Sexy Diet, and although I know I will never be a vegetarian, a lot of the information I am reading is motivating me to make changes in my life. Here are some of the goals I am setting for right now:

• Add more fresh fruits and vegetables to my every day eating. I have added at least one orange or apple every day so far; I have had carrots for snacks instead of cookies or a candy bar at that dreaded 4pm wall I hit every day and, so far, I have been enjoying them. I plan to start adding salads a couple days a week until I can get acclimated to them; hopefully this will keep the (how do I put this delicately?) colon issues to a minimum.
• Limiting myself to two (2) diet sodas per week. This may not sound so great, but only having two per week instead of the five to ten per week that I’ve been drinking – and trying to convince myself that it’s not a lot – is big.
• For every bottle of water I drink that has a sugar-free flavored powder added to it, I will drink one that is plain.
• I will test my blood sugar every day at least once. I prefer twice, but once is more than I have been doing. I will keep a chart of the results so I can show my doctor, and it will also help me keep track of how my new way of living is affecting it.
• I will journal what I eat every day. I tried this with Weight Watchers and I was rubbish at it. I found a free app for my awesome Kindle Fire called “Lose It!” – it is also accessible online and is similar to the Weight Watchers online program. I have a hard time getting online with my home computer (I mostly blog from work – shhhhh…) so I rarely logged what I ate for dinner or what I ate on weekends because my internet connection for my home PC is so incredibly slow (I have to use a wireless connection for it since it’s in my bedroom and the main modem is in the dining room). This way I can log my food from my super awesome Kindle which has zero issues with the wireless connection, and I can even log it from a restaurant where I am actually eating! I have already joined a challenge that starts March 1st that is to only weigh myself on the 1st and 15th of the month.

That’s it for now. Like I said, they are baby steps, but it is how I need to do it. If I jump in whole hog and make too many changes at once, I become overwhelmed and I quit. I know this about myself; I own it; now I will work with it and not let it stop me.

I feel motivated and positive. I am doing this one day at a time; not striving for perfection, just for better than yesterday. I am willing to accept that to get what I want, I may have to do some things I don’t want to do (exercise, eat veggies not crap). The results, however, will be well worth the effort.

I’ll keep you informed!

TTFN

Crazy Sexy...me?

I don’t normally do book reviews on this blog. This is because the blog is about my struggle with weight loss and my overall health issues. And to be perfectly honest, I mostly read diet books for their entertainment value (you expect me to eat WHAT? Ah hahahahahahahahaha. Wipes tear of laughter.) However, I am making an exception here because this is not going to be so much a “book review” as an “evaluation” of sorts. Does that make sense? Let me explain.

I am currently reading and making my way through Crazy Sexy Diet by Kris Carr. I just started it, and I have to say that I am actually intrigued. For those of you who may not know who she is, you may recognize the title of the film she made for TLC: Crazy Sexy Cancer. (If you have not watched it, I strongly recommend it. You can order the DVD from Netflix.) Back in 2003, Kris was diagnosed with epithelioid hemangio-endothelioma (EHE) that affects less than 0.01 percent of the population. The upside of the diagnosis is that it is a slow mover, so it wasn’t an immediate death sentence, but it is still definitely a potential life shortener for sure.

Kris decided that she wasn’t just going to accept this and play the dying victim. She decided to get educated, take control, and kick ass. And she has.

If you do know about Kris Carr, then you know that her lifestyle is vegetarian, or even vegan. And for anyone that knows me, they will be laughing their heads off at the idea of me reading and seriously contemplating her book. Because, if you haven’t read it here before, I hate vegetables. And the few that I can tolerate, don’t like me. However, after just reading the first eight pages, I feel like she is talking to me. I kind of feel my mind opening up to this. Admittedly, this happens quite often when I read a new diet book; but this time it just feels…different.

So, I thought that since following this lifestyle plan would be a humongous undertaking for me, instead of just doing a book review after I’ve read the whole thing, I would do it in pieces. I’ll let you in on the insights I am scouring from her book and share them with you in real time as I make the effort to incorporate some new things into my life, and how they are affecting me and challenging me.

Here is what I have so far:

I am one of the living dead. And I don’t make that statement trying to cash in on our zombie-infused entertainment world. I mean “living dead” because I just seem to shuffle from bed to work to home to bed in a consistent, mindless state. My life is a grind with little enjoyment, and I seem to be stuck on replay. There are only so many hours in the day, and I don’t seem to use any of my free time for things that bring me joy; and I sure as heck don’t experience any joy from the rest of my waking time. This has to change.

There are many things that are out of my control, but I have a lot of power over my health, happiness and life – and it all starts with my mouth. What I put in it, and the words that come out of it, determines my destiny. One of the reasons I have often given for my horrible eating habits is that my life feels like it is so out of control, and the only thing I feel I have any control over is what I eat. So I eat what I damn well please, whatever gives me comfort and/or happiness. Unfortunately, none of it is good for me, and in reality, it doesn’t really give me happiness. I may feel happy while I’m eating it, but later on I regret my decisions on what I ate, feel guilty or gross for having eaten it, and in the end feel only despair. No joy. No happiness. No sense of well-being. Just hate, revulsion, and disgust. Which then makes me want to eat. Cripes.

Waiting around for someone else to fix my woes is playing a risky game of roulette – and I have been incredibly lucky so far. But one day, most likely sooner than later, that chamber is not going to come up empty.

Hello CEO of Save My Ass Technologies, Inc.

Kris refers to what ails us as our “shit pickle”. I absolutely love that! What is my shit pickle? Obesity, depression, type 2 diabetes, PCOS, mitral valve prolapse, pitting edema, dry skin, rosacea, fatigue, sleep apnea, back pain, chronic migraines, IBS, acid reflux, and impending menopause. Wow. That is a whole jar of shit pickles.

Kris’s book is more than just what to put in your mouth; it is a whole lifestyle, and I guess that is what appeals to me. It’s not just giving up some stuff for a while to lose weight, then trying to keep it off. It’s not just about counting calories, or fat grams, or carbs; it’s exercise, meditation, and self-affirmations to last for the rest of your life. Your healthier, hopefully longer, life. (I will have to say this, though, since I always pledge to be perfectly honest on this blog: the tag line “including a 21-day adventure cleanse” made me laugh so hard. The words “adventure” and “cleanse” are scary when paired together. My mind plays a little movie wherein the star (me) is out on a safari somewhere, squirting everything she has ever eaten since age 4 out her backside for three weeks, emerging from her hut sweaty, hollow-eyed, and not being able to sit down normally for another three weeks while her hiney-hole heals. How does one do this adventure when you have hour-long commutes to and from a full time job that requires that you not spend six of your eight paid hours in the bathroom making rhinoceros noises?)

I’ll keep you informed!

PS – I just wanted to make perfectly clear that I am in no way being compensated for anything I write about Kris Carr’s book.

The Big Wake-up Call

First, let me say THANKS to everyone that checked out this blog because they were checking out my other blog which was linked to the Grow Your Blog Party over on 2 Bags Full’s blog. Vicki is awesome for setting that up, and all her volunteers that helped out are awesome too! Welcome to any new followers!

Ok everyone. Get out your pointing fingers and get ready to wag them at me in a vicious manner.

Ready?

About three weeks ago, I checked my blood sugar. I don’t do it very often because the supplies are expensive and I am lazy and not good about doing positive things for myself (vicious finger wag #1). Normally my BS (that’s blood sugar, not bull poop) runs around 150ish. Imagine my surprise when my monitor counted down and showed the results: 550.

Wha…???

Well, that couldn’t be right.

I immediately retested: 399.

OK. This dumb monitor must need new batteries.

I mentioned it to my sister the next day, and she told me to get my butt over to Les’s basket o’pills-n-stuff and use his monitor; his has fresh batteries and is very accurate. Results?

Over 500. Again.

Hmmmm… Is that a slight panicky feeling I have in my stomach?

The next day I went to the walk-in clinic that is open on Saturdays and explained to the receptionist what was happening. She relayed this to the nurse nearby, and the nurse said, “Oh no. Tell her to go to the ER, don’t tell her to come here.” I got the nurse’s attention and explained that I was already here, and that those readings were from two days earlier. After waiting for a few hours to be seen, I got to see the most lovely little old Scottish doctor ever put on this earth. He was a hoot and a half! Anyhoo he agreed that this was NOT GOOD and kindly reminded me that I had many of the warning signs of a diabetic coma (increased thirst, increased urination, drowsiness, headache, and ketones) and that comas typically occur when blood sugar reaches 600 or more (if sustained, rarely if just a one-off). I have no idea how long my blood sugar had been that high, but I had been dying of thirst and peeing my brains out for at least four weeks. (Great, big, super-vicious finger wag here.) He put me on Metformin ASAP and it started bringing it down. It has now been running in the 170ish range, which is still way too high.

I finally have health insurance now (it kicked in on Monday), so I will be making an appointment with an endocrinologist for the first one I can get. I only have about six more days of pills left, and I can’t get a refill because they were prescribed by the walk-in clinic.

Am I in denial anymore? Nope. I have got to take care of myself. I don’t want to be hospitalized in a coma, or lose my eyesight, or appendages, and I don’t want to wind up on dialysis or need a kidney transplant. My mother will kill me.

Speaking of eyesight, you know what’s really weird? My eyesight did change for about three weeks – FOR THE BETTER. I am nearly legally blind in my right eye without glasses or contacts. I have worn glasses for about 35 years because I can only see about a yard or so before everything becomes too fuzzy. I cannot read billboards or road signs without them, and I have no depth perception. I can see vehicles but can’t tell you if they are cars or trucks, and sometimes I can’t even tell what color they are. Now, get this: for the last three weeks I have been able to drive without my glasses. I see perfectly fine, can read signs, etc. I can read the subtitles we use on the TV (because I swear to God everyone in our house is FREAKING DEAF) from the dining room – a good 15 feet away – without my glasses. On a few occasions, if something seemed a little blurry, I would close one eye then the other to see which one was causing the problem – and my right eye would be clearer and sharper than my left. WHAT THE FRACK???

I have a brain tumor, don’t I?

I’d like to say THANK YOU to everyone that leaves me comments; you just don’t know how much I appreciate them. I got a really great one from Laurie at 111 LaLa Lane on my last post; she put her cleats on and kicked my big, fat hiney with them. I’m going to check out the book she recommended and I’ll let you know what I think.

In the meantime, please don’t be like me. Take care of yourself; treat your body right ‘cause it’s the only one you’ve got. Your family would miss you. I don’t know why it’s so hard for me to take care of myself, but I’d better figure it out pretty damn quick and get busy doing it!

I’ll keep you updated.

TTFN.

I So Incredibly Suck At This

God – I am such a loser, and not in the way I want to be.

Remember when I said that I was going on the “cut out sugar” train? Read that there book about only 100 sugar calories a day and was all motivated and stuff? Yeah, well, that train derailed about 1/10th of a mile down the track.

I have ZERO self-discipline. What the hell is wrong with me? Why can’t I do the things I KNOW I need to do in order to help myself, keep myself healthy, heck – keep myself from dying? What is my problem?

I don’t have any freakin’ idea.

I could write my own diet tip book; I know it all. I just. can’t. do it.

It’s making me crazy.

Image: thefunnyblog.org

I guess I’m still in denial (Hell, I’m in so deep that I need hipwaders). That and I guess I’m still waiting for the magic pill that will make me suddenly crave kale and mung beans and that will make me wake up 30 days down the line in a big puddle of fat, and I have to call in sick for a week while I go shopping for a new wardrobe because I am now a size 2; or that magic eating plan that includes massive quantities of Mini-Chewy SweeTarts, chicken enchiladas and Diet Coke; or I’m waiting for my Mom to do it for me like she always does with so many other things at which I fail (seriously, I didn’t know how to properly wrap a present until I was, like, 30 because she would see what I was doing and snatch it away from me with a sigh and a mighty “Let me do that for you”.).

Or some combo of all of the above.

Well, it’s a new year but I am not a maker of resolutions. I am a speed-resolution breaker and hold several records, especially when it comes to resolutions about diet and exercise. Why don’t you look surprised? Instead I am going to make some goals for this year; goals that may start out general, but then become more defined as I go along. I need to sit down and think about them a little more before I post them here; so far all I have is “Eat better stuff and less crap” and “Move your body more, even if it hurts”. Those are just a little too general, even for me.

One thing I don’t want to do is follow some particular plan. I cannot seem to get myself to follow them, and as soon as I make any sort of commitment, whether said out loud or just to myself, I can feel myself being strangled by the whole thing – pages of the diet book form a noose around my neck and I bleed out all of my willpower through a series of paper cuts, or it is chicken enchilada day at the café at the mill and it’s vaya con dios to the whole plan.

As for exercise, I need to dig out my walking-in-place DVD and just do it; don’t let it bother me that, with every step I take in place in my bedroom, I know that the lamps in the living room are bouncing and it sounds like hippos are doing the Couch to 5K challenge at the back of the house. I have started a new savings plan and I’d like to use the money to buy a gym-quality treadmill. Or even just a home gym-quality one. Used even. This way the whole family could use it; Les has a tendency to walk past his point-of-no-return and is falling more these days, and it is very unsafe to go walking down the road we live on. Sis could use it when she’s home, and if we keep it in the hallway instead of my room I probably won’t use it to hang clothes on. Probably.

So, that is it for now. I just wanted to let you all know I’m still alive and say Happy New Year to you all. Thanks for sticking with me (why are you sticky? Hey, is that caramel on your fingers?) and listening to me whine. I know I will get my poop in a group one day, and then you can say – Hey! I read her blog! She finally did it. Who knew she had it in her?

TTFN.

PS – please feel free to share your goals for 2014 in the comments!

PPS - please don't hate me, but I've taken down my "before" pictures. They are just too depressing when you factor in the horror that my "after" pictures are fatter than the "before" pictures. I will put up new ones soon that reflect the honesty of where I am now. I promise.