You know, I have been thinking, worrying, obsessing, talking, writing, and feeling infuriated and helpless about my weight for so long now, you would think that I would have made some sort of progress on it by now.
Nope.
I SUCK AT THIS!!! AND I DON’T WANT TO SUCK AT IT ANYMORE!!!
Why the hell can’t I get my ginormous ass in gear? I mean, come on…338? That is now my official top weight, and it just happened this week!! It is only 12lbs away from 350, and I REFUSE to weigh 350!!! There isn’t enough strength in my skeleton for that sort of weight. I’m dying here, literally, but it doesn’t seem to get any better!!
Hmmm…maybe it’s because I don’t work at it.
At all.
I guess that I have been watching all the weight loss shows, reading all the weight loss books, and talking all the weight loss talk with other people apparently hoping that my body will pick up on what it is supposed to be doing via osmosis.
Idiot.
I sabotage myself all the time, but I just don’t know why. Well, I think I know what most of it is.
Laziness.
Pure, old fashioned, unadulterated laziness.
Do they sell self-discipline in pill form these days? No? Bummer. 'Cause, dude...I would so be first in line for that. I would still want it even if it was a suppository (is that spelled right?), and I don't do stuff that includes stuff being put up my butt. Ever. So don't ask.
I can talk the talk like an expert; give myself all the pep talks I want until I’m blue in the face, but it just doesn’t seem to sink in. All the way in. It’s just barely penetrating the surface and then it evaporates, leaving behind the residue of good intentions but that’s about it.
I think I am waiting for someone else to lose this weight for me - just like I am waiting for someone else to clean my house, handle my finances, and pack up my house for this move in July. Even though I KNOW that no one can lose this weight for me, it seems like that is how I feel. If I just wish, pray, cry or concentrate hard enough, I won't really have to do the work.
All I can do is keep trying. Maybe one day something will penetrate this weird rubber layer that I am insulated with, and some little grain will get into my consciousness and take root and grow.
And so, I am trying once again. I have decided to follow the WW plan (points) while trying to make my choices fit in with the Belly Fat Cure plan. I am going back to documenting everything I eat (I loathe that part, but I know it really works), and since I am drop dead broke, sticking to the WW plan actually helps because I can buy the Smart Ones or Lean Cuisine frozen entrees and usually stay within my budget. It will also help that all of my money is gone because then I have to eat what I brought to work for lunch, instead of bailing on it and eating out at Taco Bell or similar. Buying processed foods can be tricky in keeping in line with the Belly Fat plan, but it will still be better than eating out.
I plan to start posting my daily intake on here again (does it count as again if you never really did it before?), and hopefully that commitment to honesty will also help keep me in line. I have also managed to get my blood pressure RX refilled, so I should loose about 5lbs in water weight (all from my ankles) and it should keep me from retaining so much as I go along. I find that as my weight drops, the swelling gets better – probably because my general body inflammation that obesity causes is also being reduced.
So, that is where I stand (wobbily) right now. My move is coming up faster than I can deal with, my left ankle is bad and now my right hip is bothering me; I haven't been doing any walking and the countdown has already started for the ALS walk in September. Time to GET WITH IT.
Wish me luck.
TTFN.
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