Monday, October 8, 2012

The View From Rock Bottom Sucks

I have hit an all-time low, or a high, depending on which way you want to look at it. Either way, it’s bad.

I weighed myself last week: 340.2.

That weird crashing noise you thought you heard last week but couldn’t place? My life.

My depression level has rarely been at the level it has been for the last week. I can genuinely put it in my top three all-time depression moments.

I have been doing some deep thinking lately, and I have come to some conclusions. Bear with me while I share. Some of these things I have not shared with anyone before.

About 15 years ago, I was experiencing one of my other top three depression episodes. I decided that my life was just no longer worth living, and decided to take steps toward ending it. All my problems were insurmountable, unsolvable; I was less than nothing, unloved, unlovable, destined for failure on all counts and there was just no getting past it. I knew that my suicide would distress very few, although my mother would be devastated and my sister would be similarly unhappy, but I was determined to go through with it. But, before I hacked at my wrists or slammed my vehicle into a telephone pole, I wanted to give my apartment a thorough cleaning. My mother would be having a hard enough time with my death the least I could do for her was make sure the apartment was nice and clean when she came to clear out my things.

I have not been able to keep a clean and tidy home since. Coincidence? Doubtful.

And since I am still around to be writing this pathetic blog, I obviously gave up on the whole idea of killing myself, right?

Are you sure about that conclusion?

Why else would an intelligent person like myself allow my skeleton, heart, kidneys and liver to try to support 340 pounds?

Slow suicide. It’s a lot less obvious, less messy, takes longer – granted, but the end result is still the same. I’m still slicing off whole years, decades probably, from my life.

I don’t know why this is finally sinking in, that this is what I am really doing to myself. And I don’t know why it’s making me want to fight back for a change. I am 45 years old. I don’t want to be a sad sack anymore. I don’t want to be fat anymore. I want to live. REALLY LIVE. Not exist.

I am joining Weight Watchers again. I haven’t been an actual member for a long time, but whenever I was trying to diet I would use what I learned from them and use my old Points counter slide-ruler thingy. About two days after I made the decision to join, I went to the library to pick up a book I had on hold. When I went to the checkout counter, they have books on display, and guess what book was on display? “Weight Loss Boss: How to Finally Win at Losing--and Take Charge in an Out-of-Control Food World” by David Kirchhoff, the CEO of…wait for it…Weight Watchers.

I now take it as a sign.

I love his book. It is not a book for WW members, it not really a book about WW (although he does discuss how WW works); it is about one man’s struggle to lose weight. Can you imagine being the CEO of the world’s most successful weight loss corporation and being obese? Welcome to David’s world. He is funny, real, inspiring, down to earth, and very candid. The book is not condescending in any way, and he doesn’t sugar coat things. I really enjoyed reading it and it only took me about a day and half!

I am not going to do the online program this time; I need a social life and I don’t have one. I crave adult company and conversation, and I don’t get that at home anymore and I don’t really get it at work. (No, I didn’t get the job I mentioned in my last post; but I am working again. I hate it.) I am going to get the Monthly Pass so that I can attend as many meetings as I want, where ever and when ever I want to. I want to go to one in Longview where I work on Tuesdays, and to one in Chehalis (about 20 miles from the house) on Saturdays. I am going to need all the help I can get, and I figure I will click with one group or the other and hopefully get some of what I need.

All I need now is the money to do it. Hopefully I can do it this payday. Cross your fingers for me.

My other goal is to buy a bike. I was quite the avid bicyclist when I was a teenager and I loved it so much. The problem now is trying to find a bike that will hold my massive carcass without the wheels going flat. I found one that I want (it’s on my Diet and Exercise Pinterest board) that is made by Worksman Cycles in the USA; they are customizable and are made for riders up to 500 lbs! I want to ride my bike all over the frickin’ countryside out here, then I want to do the Seattle to Portland race that they have every year. (For more information on it, go here: I really, really want to do it. I am going to make greeting cards and jewelry to sell to reach my goal of buying my bike; hopefully I’ll have enough money before I’m 90.

This morning I weighed myself and I am down to 336.2 so I am going in the right direction and I am feeling a little better. I am going to print off a lot of motivational things from my Pinterest boards and hang them on my bedroom walls.

Go me.

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