Drugs or no drugs? What a question...

I am trying to decide if I want to start using the weight loss product Alli. Has anyone out there used it? I went to the website - www.myalli.com - and they have lots of information on there about how it works, etc. so I won't go into all of that here. You can check out the website for yourself if you are interested. It just makes me mad that I can't seem to do this on my own. I know my body will do it, but it's my mind that I cannot make behave!

Case in point - I went grocery shopping at Wally World last night. I meant to do it Monday night, but I had a coughing spell in the parking lot at work as I was leaving for the day and peed my pants. Yep; I was thrilled, I can assure you, and with the language I was using there was no hiding how thrilled I was about it. People in Columbus, OH could hear me. TMI? Oh well. That's just me - telling you stuff you would really just rather not know. But I digress. So, I had my little list of stuff to get; and that is a problem. The list is little and not specific, which leaves too much room for interpretation by my brain. BREAD could mean Asagio cheese rolls that go stale in a day so I will have to eat all six that come in the package tonight so that I won't be wasting my money, or it could mean thick slices of Potato bread that are 250 calories per slice and are full of preservatives, or it could be that dry whole wheat stuff that resembles cardboard that I keep buying and refuse to eat unless it is smothered in butter and cream cheese. FRUIT could be interpreted as frozen strawberries in sugar syrup, and TOILET PAPER could be interpreted as cheesecake. I don't sit down and make up a plan, or a menu if you will, of meals for the week and then shop appropriately. I have a tendency to just grab whatever happens to be in the house and make do. Which is usually a huge mistake. You know how you stand in the middle of your kitchen, hands on hips, and say, "We have a ton of food in the house but nothing to EAT!" It's kind of like that. I have lots of components, but I don't have the capability of pulling stuff together into a healthy meal. That is why I end up ordering pizza a lot - I don't necessarily want pizza, but someone will bring it to me and I don't have anything else in the house (or anything in the house that I currently want to eat). That is how I wind up sitting in my underwear watching South Park and eating pickles straight out of the jar. I try to have a variety of frozen entrees in the freezer - Smart Ones, Lean Cuisine, etc. - because apparently I am not capable of fixing myself a decent lunch either the night before or in the morning. This way I can just grab one of those and a can of fruit on my way out the door and call it good. The problem with that is sometimes, it's shocking I know, I don't want that for lunch once lunchtime rolls around. In order to eat this lunch, I have to stay at work. I hate being at work, and I don't get any breaks during the day, so this is my only opportunity to get the hell out of there and away from my desk (and some of my co-workers) for an hour. So that drives me to fast food. A lot. Seriously - a lot. And living in Billings, MT seriously limits your fast food options. There isn't a lot to choose from. And, from what I understand about Alli, if you eat a lot of fat in a meal, you get the Hershey squirts. Fabulous!!! Obviously, it is a side effect that helps to use negative reinforcement: Alli manufacturer - Oh dear, if someone eats a Big Mac and a large fries while using this product, they will have explosive diarrhea! Fellow Alli manufacturer - Well, maybe if it gives the fat bastard the shits, they will stop eating that crap.

So, I am still on the fence about using it. I know that I need to change my behavior - plan better, eat better, move my body - in order to affect change in myself. It's just very, very hard. I think that I just get so confused - count calories! No, don't count calories, just count carbs! No, don't count carbs, eat low fat! No, don't eat red meat! No, eat only red meat and pickles! And cabbage soup!! Read this book - it has all the answers! No, take this pill - it's all you need! No, have surgery! No, just run around the block every 30 seconds! And buy this piece of exercise equipment that is the same size and costs the same as a small car! No, join this gym and make outrageous payments every month for the rest of your life for the privilege of never going again after the first three days!!! I feel like I need to do it all and I just can't so I don't do anything. Besides, if I go to a gym or exercise outside I may actually have to interact with some other fellow human being - IN PERSON - and we just can't have that! Besides, it cuts into the gargantuan amount of time that I spend watching TV.

And that just won't do. Nope, it won't do at all.

TTFN.

I suck...

...at this. Well, let's be fair; obviously I am not trying very hard, so should I really say that I suck at it?

Yes.

EEERRRGGG!!!! What the hell is wrong with me??? Why can't I get going? Why can't I see that I am killing myself here? Why can't I care???

I want to scream and yell that I am trying, that nothing works; but it's not true. I'm not trying, and I don't understand why the hell not. I WANT to be thinner, I WANT to be healthier, I DON'T WANT to die an early weight-related death. I don't want to be "Big Auntie" any more; I want to be "Slim and Trim Auntie" instead. I want to be "Hiking and Biking, Iron Man Finisher Auntie", not "Come over and we'll order a pizza and watch a movie Auntie".

One of the sales reps I support always sends me cash at Christmas time every year. This year I went out and bought the original "Biggest Loser Workout" DVD. I bought it on Thursday; have I used it yet? No, but I plan to. I thought it would probably be the least "butt kicking" to start out with since it is the very first one they put out. We shall see.

I don't think anyone sent me any good diet vibes last week; please send some this week, and maybe a few workout vibes too. Please - I obviously need all the help I can get!

TTFN.

Going the wrong way!

Well, I gained a pound this week. I am trying not to be too disheartened; I went out to lunch with friends once this week and, to be perfectly honest, my heart just wasn't really in it. I know what I have to do, but I just...don't...wanna. Sigh. Not the best mind-set for weight loss, I'm afraid.

I have GOT to get with it; I want to lose at least 50 lbs before I have to move to Washington. Sissy says that it would be a good idea so that being on my feet and being physical during the move won't be so hard on me. She's right. Also, Saturday Ollie and I were supposed to go to the movies, but I had to bail on her because I was hit with really bad dizzy spells; she is concerned that it was my blood pressure spiking. She may have been right; I checked my blood sugar and it was right where it was supposed to be. I had them most of the day along with a bad headache - not migraine status, but close. I have GOT to start taking care of myself; why can't I see that?

Well, today is another day to make good choices. I didn't pack a lunch today (bad girl) because I have to run around at lunchtime getting some documents notorized, etc. I will troll the nutritional websites of the local fast food places and see if I can come up with a good lunch.

Please send me all of your fabulous weight-loss vibes!!

TTFN.

I missed my calling

Well, I am hanging in there this week; I haven't done fabulously well, but I had the potential to go fantastically out of control and I haven't.

Today I discovered a $125 Ebay debit card charge to my checking account that I sure as heck didn't make. Long story short, not a lot of cooperation from the bank, etc. on getting it straightened out. "Call Ebay, sort it out with them, if they don't help you, fill out these forms that need to be notarized." Well, Ebay was no help at all after talking with them via live online chat for four hours (their phones are not working today), etc. etc. etc. When I hurled myself out of the office at lunchtime, I just wanted to go eat the biggest, greasiest lunch I could get my hands on. But, I took a deep breath and told myself that doing that would not fix the problem with my checking account so it wasn't worth doing. I did go to Taco Bell - not the best choice but definitely not the worst - and had just one taco and the grilled chicken burrito. I wanted to order about 15 things off the menu, all with extra sour cream, but I didn't.

Most people would read that and think, "So what? Big deal. You still ate fast food and that is bad for you. You should have just had a salad." Bite me. You don't know me, so you don't have any clue how hard it was for me to do what I did. Maybe next time I will be strong enough to order the salad, or perhaps next time it won't even occur to me to try to calm myself down with food - ever think of that? Pfft.

I won't know until Monday if what I have done this week worked or not. I'm holding my breath. I am going to be watching football this weekend, as usual (go UofM Grizzlies!!). I look forward to the day when I will be able to stop comparing my height and weight to the guys that are playing. Do you know what it feels like to be a 5'2" tall woman and outweigh linebackers that are a foot taller than you by 100lbs? It sucks. I often times outweigh some centers too, and those guys are HUGE! I guess I missed my calling; maybe I was a NFL hopeful in another life.

TTFN.

Back in the saddle, again

Well, I haven't been blogging lately because I haven't been doing anything worth talking about. I'm sorry to all of you that were hoping to be inspired, or encouraged, when they saw this blog; hoping that you would be able to relate to someone who is struggling with the same things you are. I just haven't been trying; I've been spending a lot of time feeling sorry for myself, blaming everything under the sun for my problems, etc.

So, I am done with that and am ready to start again where I left off.

As punishment - or atonement, I'm not really sure which - I have taken some pictures to use as my "before" inspiration. They are horrible, no? Yes. They are. Which is the point. Sometimes I am very deep in denial (the complete absence of mirrors in my home is testament to that) I forget that I have a huge weight problem. It isn't until I see myself as others see me that I realize how big my problem is. No pun intended.

I dug out my Biggest Loser cookbook and am trying to follow their guidelines for nutrition; I am basing my total calories for the day on their formula of (your weight) x 7 = total calories for the day. If you weigh more than 300 lbs - like me - you use 300 as your weight; the same if you weigh less than 150 lbs - use 150 as your weight. I did well today, using only about 1905 of those calories. However, if you translate what I ate today into WW Points, I was over by about 14 points. It may not be quite that bad because I had to guess on the calorie content and WW Points values of two home made date cookies I had at work.

So, wish me luck, send me skinny vibes, etc. and I will keep going. I DON'T WANT TO LOOK LIKE THIS ANYMORE!!!!

TTFN.