Wednesday, December 30, 2009

Drugs or no drugs? What a question...

I am trying to decide if I want to start using the weight loss product Alli. Has anyone out there used it? I went to the website - - and they have lots of information on there about how it works, etc. so I won't go into all of that here. You can check out the website for yourself if you are interested. It just makes me mad that I can't seem to do this on my own. I know my body will do it, but it's my mind that I cannot make behave!

Case in point - I went grocery shopping at Wally World last night. I meant to do it Monday night, but I had a coughing spell in the parking lot at work as I was leaving for the day and peed my pants. Yep; I was thrilled, I can assure you, and with the language I was using there was no hiding how thrilled I was about it. People in Columbus, OH could hear me. TMI? Oh well. That's just me - telling you stuff you would really just rather not know. But I digress. So, I had my little list of stuff to get; and that is a problem. The list is little and not specific, which leaves too much room for interpretation by my brain. BREAD could mean Asagio cheese rolls that go stale in a day so I will have to eat all six that come in the package tonight so that I won't be wasting my money, or it could mean thick slices of Potato bread that are 250 calories per slice and are full of preservatives, or it could be that dry whole wheat stuff that resembles cardboard that I keep buying and refuse to eat unless it is smothered in butter and cream cheese. FRUIT could be interpreted as frozen strawberries in sugar syrup, and TOILET PAPER could be interpreted as cheesecake. I don't sit down and make up a plan, or a menu if you will, of meals for the week and then shop appropriately. I have a tendency to just grab whatever happens to be in the house and make do. Which is usually a huge mistake. You know how you stand in the middle of your kitchen, hands on hips, and say, "We have a ton of food in the house but nothing to EAT!" It's kind of like that. I have lots of components, but I don't have the capability of pulling stuff together into a healthy meal. That is why I end up ordering pizza a lot - I don't necessarily want pizza, but someone will bring it to me and I don't have anything else in the house (or anything in the house that I currently want to eat). That is how I wind up sitting in my underwear watching South Park and eating pickles straight out of the jar. I try to have a variety of frozen entrees in the freezer - Smart Ones, Lean Cuisine, etc. - because apparently I am not capable of fixing myself a decent lunch either the night before or in the morning. This way I can just grab one of those and a can of fruit on my way out the door and call it good. The problem with that is sometimes, it's shocking I know, I don't want that for lunch once lunchtime rolls around. In order to eat this lunch, I have to stay at work. I hate being at work, and I don't get any breaks during the day, so this is my only opportunity to get the hell out of there and away from my desk (and some of my co-workers) for an hour. So that drives me to fast food. A lot. Seriously - a lot. And living in Billings, MT seriously limits your fast food options. There isn't a lot to choose from. And, from what I understand about Alli, if you eat a lot of fat in a meal, you get the Hershey squirts. Fabulous!!! Obviously, it is a side effect that helps to use negative reinforcement: Alli manufacturer - Oh dear, if someone eats a Big Mac and a large fries while using this product, they will have explosive diarrhea! Fellow Alli manufacturer - Well, maybe if it gives the fat bastard the shits, they will stop eating that crap.

So, I am still on the fence about using it. I know that I need to change my behavior - plan better, eat better, move my body - in order to affect change in myself. It's just very, very hard. I think that I just get so confused - count calories! No, don't count calories, just count carbs! No, don't count carbs, eat low fat! No, don't eat red meat! No, eat only red meat and pickles! And cabbage soup!! Read this book - it has all the answers! No, take this pill - it's all you need! No, have surgery! No, just run around the block every 30 seconds! And buy this piece of exercise equipment that is the same size and costs the same as a small car! No, join this gym and make outrageous payments every month for the rest of your life for the privilege of never going again after the first three days!!! I feel like I need to do it all and I just can't so I don't do anything. Besides, if I go to a gym or exercise outside I may actually have to interact with some other fellow human being - IN PERSON - and we just can't have that! Besides, it cuts into the gargantuan amount of time that I spend watching TV.

And that just won't do. Nope, it won't do at all.


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