Yesterday went pretty well, all considered. By the time I got home from work I had a screaming case of the Hershey Squirts. TMI, I know, but I promised to be honest and all revealing, so… I think I overdid it on the grapes yesterday afternoon. I was so hungry! Grapes are usually best for me in rather small quantities or else I get bad cramps or worse (green grapes really kill me, so I stick to red seedless). But I was trying to drown out the calls of EAT ME from the mini Kit-Kat bars in the lab’s candy bowl, so I kept eating the grapes. Perhaps I should have had a few rice cakes and some water. Well, lesson learned. I almost did a “do-over” weigh in this morning, figuring I must have lost at least 6.5 lbs in poop alone, but I decided not to.
I had intended to just have a bowl of corn flakes for dinner; I had an anxiety/depression attack on the drive home and cried for about an hour over the sad and pathetic state of my life. I was over it for the most part by the time I got home, but our roommate made boxed Mac & Cheese for dinner, and so I caved and had a good sized bowl of it. I did manage to stay away from the one remaining dark chocolate brownie, and I was proud of myself for that; however I must confess that I went looking for it later, but it was gone.
This morning I had another Greek yogurt (strawberry banana) with about 2 tablespoons of granola; I also had a packet of instant grits and remembered my packed of Truvia today! Much, much better than yesterday. Today is chicken enchilada day in the mill’s Café, so that will be lunch along with a scoop of Spanish rice and a diet Coke. I brought a Fuji apple for a snack along with an Atkins Advantage snack/light meal bar in Caramel Double Chocolate Crunch. They are super yummy with 11g of fiber and 10g of protein for 160 calories; plus they make me very thirsty so I drink more water. I already ate my dessert in the car this morning on my way to work because I was literally falling asleep at the wheel and needed something to wake me up! So, my two chocolate covered graham crackers are already history. (frowny face)
About weigh-ins – I try not to weigh myself every day. The CEO of Weight Watchers says he weighs himself every day, but I just think that is setting me up for anxiety and a roller coaster of emotions. Maybe men can do that, but women’s weight fluxuates so much! It all depends on if we are retaining water, or not. Bloating, or not. Near a period, on a period, just finished a period, or not. Etcetera, ad nauseum. So I try to limit the checking of my weight to two to three times per week. I weigh at the same time every day (right after waking up) in the same clothes (birthday suit), preferably after my morning bodily functions. I always use my Monday weight as my “official” weight.
Oh! By the way, the pumpkin pie Pop Tarts? Awwweesoooommmeee! I still don’t have the points for them, but oh my yes they do substitute for pumpkin pie just fine. Lovely, lovely, lovely.
TTFN.
Tuesday, October 23, 2012
Monday, October 22, 2012
Still Workin' It...
I didn’t do as well last week as I could have.
This is what I always do. I get a little success then I start slacking off and sabotaging myself. It’s extremely frustrating, and more than just a little annoying.
This time, however, I am feeling quite calm about it. I looked back over my week and I ate out a lot more than I should have (crisp meat burrito and sour cream from Taco Time, chicken sandwich and fries from Burger King, the Jumbo Breakfast Platter at Jack-in-the-Box to name a few) and didn’t eat what I should have at home. Fast food is a real challenge for me. One of the reasons I like WW is that if I feel that I must absolutely have fast food lest I perish from the Earth, I can work it in occasionally.
Message to brain: OCCASIONALLY ≠ WHENEVER I FEEL LIKE IT. I know this is a hard concept for you to grasp; 30+ years of this thinking is hard to retrain, but retrain we must.
I am back on plan this morning, even managing to grab what I needed for today’s lunch and snacks! Here is the plan for today:
Breakfast: I got some more Chobani Greek yogurt w/fruit on the bottom; today’s random selection: peach. I added a few tablespoons of granola to it for crunch. I also had a single serving packet of instant grits as a change from oatmeal. It was great until I added a packet of Splenda to it; my lovely grits went from thick and yummy to instantly runny and water-y. Weird. Splenda is not my sweetener of choice; I prefer Truvia but I forgot to grab some this morning. So, I only ate about half of it before it went into the garbage.
Lunch: I brought bbq beef, half corn/half whole wheat tortillas, cottage cheese, butter lettuce and red seedless grapes.
Snacks: Beef jerky, mini-Bonnie Bell light cheese, and three Newton Fruit thins in Lemon Crisp (that’s all that’s left in the package).
This all comes complete with a confession: I found something naughty at Wal-Mart yesterday and tried very hard to pass it up. Fail. It seemed that every corner I turned, this product was staring me dead in the face! I took it as a sign and put it in my cart. Wanna know what it is?
Frosted Pumpkin Pie Pop-Tarts.
Hear me out: I LURVE pumpkin pie. Every year one (or possibly three) of Costco’s humongous pumpkin pies lands in our kitchen. I like to eat it straight out of the package with a spoon. Crap – did I say that out loud? I meant that I fully intend to have a small, humble piece but wind up eating it straight out of the package with a spoon. Dang. I said it again. Well, anyway, I thought that perhaps these might help me out. I haven’t done the points on them yet, but I thought that maybe, just maybe, it would be better to have two of those than an entire pumpkin pie from Costco eaten with a spoon. (DANG IT! It’s like autocorrect on your iPhone – it just keeps spitting that out!) I will let you know how it rates and how it tastes and if it fulfills a need or just makes the need worse.
Anyhoosiers, I am just .8 of a pound off from my goal of 2lbs per week. The big drop and small backslide kind of evened each other out (unfortunately – and that is not meant to sound like it’s an acceptable achievement). And I did get some pretty good exercise by helping our roommate build a shelter for the goats we are babysitting on Sunday.
We shall see how things go this week.
TTFN.
This is what I always do. I get a little success then I start slacking off and sabotaging myself. It’s extremely frustrating, and more than just a little annoying.
This time, however, I am feeling quite calm about it. I looked back over my week and I ate out a lot more than I should have (crisp meat burrito and sour cream from Taco Time, chicken sandwich and fries from Burger King, the Jumbo Breakfast Platter at Jack-in-the-Box to name a few) and didn’t eat what I should have at home. Fast food is a real challenge for me. One of the reasons I like WW is that if I feel that I must absolutely have fast food lest I perish from the Earth, I can work it in occasionally.
Message to brain: OCCASIONALLY ≠ WHENEVER I FEEL LIKE IT. I know this is a hard concept for you to grasp; 30+ years of this thinking is hard to retrain, but retrain we must.
I am back on plan this morning, even managing to grab what I needed for today’s lunch and snacks! Here is the plan for today:
Breakfast: I got some more Chobani Greek yogurt w/fruit on the bottom; today’s random selection: peach. I added a few tablespoons of granola to it for crunch. I also had a single serving packet of instant grits as a change from oatmeal. It was great until I added a packet of Splenda to it; my lovely grits went from thick and yummy to instantly runny and water-y. Weird. Splenda is not my sweetener of choice; I prefer Truvia but I forgot to grab some this morning. So, I only ate about half of it before it went into the garbage.
Lunch: I brought bbq beef, half corn/half whole wheat tortillas, cottage cheese, butter lettuce and red seedless grapes.
Snacks: Beef jerky, mini-Bonnie Bell light cheese, and three Newton Fruit thins in Lemon Crisp (that’s all that’s left in the package).
This all comes complete with a confession: I found something naughty at Wal-Mart yesterday and tried very hard to pass it up. Fail. It seemed that every corner I turned, this product was staring me dead in the face! I took it as a sign and put it in my cart. Wanna know what it is?
Frosted Pumpkin Pie Pop-Tarts.
Hear me out: I LURVE pumpkin pie. Every year one (or possibly three) of Costco’s humongous pumpkin pies lands in our kitchen. I like to eat it straight out of the package with a spoon. Crap – did I say that out loud? I meant that I fully intend to have a small, humble piece but wind up eating it straight out of the package with a spoon. Dang. I said it again. Well, anyway, I thought that perhaps these might help me out. I haven’t done the points on them yet, but I thought that maybe, just maybe, it would be better to have two of those than an entire pumpkin pie from Costco eaten with a spoon. (DANG IT! It’s like autocorrect on your iPhone – it just keeps spitting that out!) I will let you know how it rates and how it tastes and if it fulfills a need or just makes the need worse.
Anyhoosiers, I am just .8 of a pound off from my goal of 2lbs per week. The big drop and small backslide kind of evened each other out (unfortunately – and that is not meant to sound like it’s an acceptable achievement). And I did get some pretty good exercise by helping our roommate build a shelter for the goats we are babysitting on Sunday.
We shall see how things go this week.
TTFN.
Monday, October 15, 2012
First weekend...
Well, so far, so good. I weighed myself this morning and the scale said: 332.6. Yay!
I haven’t been able to afford to officially join WW yet, but I’m doing my best to follow the plan. I bought a few groceries this weekend: Chobani 0% Greek yogurt w/fruit on the bottom; butter lettuce; baby carrots; single serving bags of 94% fat free popcorn; apples, pineapple. The Chobani yogurt was interesting. I love yogurt, but this is different than say, Yoplait or Fit and Trim, or any of the other non-Greek yogurts out there. It’s thicker and has got more “bite” to it, if you know what I mean. At first, I wasn’t sure I was going to like it. But it grew on me, and I think the difference is that it is not so sweet and candy-like. I think that the more I eat it, the better it will get. I only purchased three containers just in case. But I will definitely be trying more, and I will try other brands as well. One six-ounce container is 4 WW points: 0 fat, 22g carbs, 0 fiber, and a whopping 14g of protein! I had the black cherry today.
I also had a packet of instant oatmeal with apples and cinnamon, which after the yogurt tasted overly sweet and fake. I will probably switch to plain oatmeal or instant grits to see if that is better.
A very nice person, Betsey C., left a comment for me – thanks Betsey! She brought up a point that gives me a lot of trouble when I am trying to keep track of what I’m eating: home cooked food. I live with my sister, bro-in-law, and a family friend. When my sister is not forced to be down in the Portland area, she makes wonderful home-cooked meals for us. The problem is how to count it! I could look up each ingredient in the meal (casserole, slow cooker, etc.) and try to figure out how many servings of what size the meal should make, then try to figure the points. But, realistically speaking, we all know that is just not going to happen. I find this to be very frustrating and it’s usually what knocks me right off the program. When I was living alone in Montana I usually ate prepackaged (frozen) Smart Ones or Lean Cuisine meals, or foods that I could easily find the Points value for (fast food or prepackaged).
Some months ago I went to my doctor to see if there was anything she could recommend to help me with my weight loss. To be honest, I was hoping for miracle pills, speed or similar. She gave me this weird plate looking thingy that basically helps with portion control. My response was to throw it in the back of the truck where it stayed. I guess I will dig that out and start using it when I eat the home-cooked meals; I may not know exactly how many Points I’m eating, but it will help me to keep my portions in check. This is very hard to do when she makes chicken enchiladas! Yum yum yum.
Does anyone out there have any suggestions on how to deal with home-cooked meals that you don’t make yourself or have any control over? I am not going to sit at the table with a frozen Lean Cuisine when my sister has made dinner for us; I feel that is rude. Like going to dinner at a friend’s house and bringing your own food. Not cool.
Today’s plan for lunch is to go to the mill’s café and get a scoop of their lovely chicken salad (chicken, celery, cucumber and honestly not a lot of dressing) to eat with my rice cakes, butter lettuce salad (with dressing on the side), baby carrots, and fresh pineapple for dessert. I’m going to pop a single serving bag of 94% fat free Kettle Corn just before leaving the lab to eat on the way home. I’m usually starving by the time I finally get home, so hopefully that will help.
I’ll let you know how that went.
I'm happy with the weight loss, especially after this weekend. Pizza on Friday night (Papa Murphy's 5 Meat Stuffed), chicken teriyaki bowl on Saturday, leftover pizza on Sunday. Sunday was horrible as I lay in bed with a weather-induced migraine. It's finally raining here in the Pacific NW after almost three straight months of sunshine, and my noggin' don't dig the weather changes. I expected a very small loss or at least staying the same, so the nearly four pound loss was a nice surprise!
TTFN.
I haven’t been able to afford to officially join WW yet, but I’m doing my best to follow the plan. I bought a few groceries this weekend: Chobani 0% Greek yogurt w/fruit on the bottom; butter lettuce; baby carrots; single serving bags of 94% fat free popcorn; apples, pineapple. The Chobani yogurt was interesting. I love yogurt, but this is different than say, Yoplait or Fit and Trim, or any of the other non-Greek yogurts out there. It’s thicker and has got more “bite” to it, if you know what I mean. At first, I wasn’t sure I was going to like it. But it grew on me, and I think the difference is that it is not so sweet and candy-like. I think that the more I eat it, the better it will get. I only purchased three containers just in case. But I will definitely be trying more, and I will try other brands as well. One six-ounce container is 4 WW points: 0 fat, 22g carbs, 0 fiber, and a whopping 14g of protein! I had the black cherry today.
I also had a packet of instant oatmeal with apples and cinnamon, which after the yogurt tasted overly sweet and fake. I will probably switch to plain oatmeal or instant grits to see if that is better.
A very nice person, Betsey C., left a comment for me – thanks Betsey! She brought up a point that gives me a lot of trouble when I am trying to keep track of what I’m eating: home cooked food. I live with my sister, bro-in-law, and a family friend. When my sister is not forced to be down in the Portland area, she makes wonderful home-cooked meals for us. The problem is how to count it! I could look up each ingredient in the meal (casserole, slow cooker, etc.) and try to figure out how many servings of what size the meal should make, then try to figure the points. But, realistically speaking, we all know that is just not going to happen. I find this to be very frustrating and it’s usually what knocks me right off the program. When I was living alone in Montana I usually ate prepackaged (frozen) Smart Ones or Lean Cuisine meals, or foods that I could easily find the Points value for (fast food or prepackaged).
Some months ago I went to my doctor to see if there was anything she could recommend to help me with my weight loss. To be honest, I was hoping for miracle pills, speed or similar. She gave me this weird plate looking thingy that basically helps with portion control. My response was to throw it in the back of the truck where it stayed. I guess I will dig that out and start using it when I eat the home-cooked meals; I may not know exactly how many Points I’m eating, but it will help me to keep my portions in check. This is very hard to do when she makes chicken enchiladas! Yum yum yum.
Does anyone out there have any suggestions on how to deal with home-cooked meals that you don’t make yourself or have any control over? I am not going to sit at the table with a frozen Lean Cuisine when my sister has made dinner for us; I feel that is rude. Like going to dinner at a friend’s house and bringing your own food. Not cool.
Today’s plan for lunch is to go to the mill’s café and get a scoop of their lovely chicken salad (chicken, celery, cucumber and honestly not a lot of dressing) to eat with my rice cakes, butter lettuce salad (with dressing on the side), baby carrots, and fresh pineapple for dessert. I’m going to pop a single serving bag of 94% fat free Kettle Corn just before leaving the lab to eat on the way home. I’m usually starving by the time I finally get home, so hopefully that will help.
I’ll let you know how that went.
I'm happy with the weight loss, especially after this weekend. Pizza on Friday night (Papa Murphy's 5 Meat Stuffed), chicken teriyaki bowl on Saturday, leftover pizza on Sunday. Sunday was horrible as I lay in bed with a weather-induced migraine. It's finally raining here in the Pacific NW after almost three straight months of sunshine, and my noggin' don't dig the weather changes. I expected a very small loss or at least staying the same, so the nearly four pound loss was a nice surprise!
TTFN.
Thursday, October 11, 2012
New attitude, holding steady...mostly...
As promised, my food journal from late Tuesday through Wednesday. It wasn’t great, but it would have been a lot worse if I hadn’t been paying closer attention to my eating habits.
Tuesday night I split an order of Super Nachos from our absolute favorite Mexican place in Milwaukie, OR – Super Burrito. It consisted of chicken, refried beans, sour cream, cheddar cheese (the real stuff, not the canned nacho cheese “sauce”), avocado, and corn chips. Normally I would have eaten a whole order by myself, but this time I just split one order with Mom. I was completely satisfied without feeling like I was going to barf or split in half like I usually do because I ate too much. I also had half of a 7-11 brand Berry soda (approx. 10oz) and four Kirkland brand dark chocolate/cherry/almond patties that are about the size of a half dollar. OMG – they are BAAAAAADDD! I could have easily scarfed down the entire container!
Wednesday: I had a severe headache and had to drive Mom downtown Portland at 8:30am to the court house for a very stressful appointment. I skipped breakfast – very bad. We finally ate at a Shari’s Restaurant at about 11:30. I had a Garlic Swiss Mushroom burger; I took off the top bun and ate it open faced with a knife and fork. They were very chintzy with the mushrooms! I had tater tots (looooooove the tots) instead of fries; there were about 10 of them. I had ice water to drink. For dinner I had a bowl of vegetable won ton soup from Trader Joe’s; didn’t eat the veggies. Had the other half of my Berry soda; five more chocolate/almond/cherry patties.
So, not brilliant, but normally this would have been much, much worse. Take my choice for breakfast today for example. Went to Jack in the Box; got the Sausage Croissant sandwich (15 pts), 10 mini churros (Why? Why do I feel I need those? 19 pts), and a bottled water. 34 points for breakfast alone; I should get between 38 and 47 points for the WHOLE DAY. Not a great start.
But I will get better.
I AM DETERMINED.
Ate my Lean Cuisine pizza, a small side salad w/ranch dressing on the side (I put my fork in the dressing then spear my lettuce), three lemon Newton’s Fruit Thins, bottled water.
I am starving.
Dang. Not sure what I will be eating for dinner; will do my best!
TTFN.
Tuesday night I split an order of Super Nachos from our absolute favorite Mexican place in Milwaukie, OR – Super Burrito. It consisted of chicken, refried beans, sour cream, cheddar cheese (the real stuff, not the canned nacho cheese “sauce”), avocado, and corn chips. Normally I would have eaten a whole order by myself, but this time I just split one order with Mom. I was completely satisfied without feeling like I was going to barf or split in half like I usually do because I ate too much. I also had half of a 7-11 brand Berry soda (approx. 10oz) and four Kirkland brand dark chocolate/cherry/almond patties that are about the size of a half dollar. OMG – they are BAAAAAADDD! I could have easily scarfed down the entire container!
Wednesday: I had a severe headache and had to drive Mom downtown Portland at 8:30am to the court house for a very stressful appointment. I skipped breakfast – very bad. We finally ate at a Shari’s Restaurant at about 11:30. I had a Garlic Swiss Mushroom burger; I took off the top bun and ate it open faced with a knife and fork. They were very chintzy with the mushrooms! I had tater tots (looooooove the tots) instead of fries; there were about 10 of them. I had ice water to drink. For dinner I had a bowl of vegetable won ton soup from Trader Joe’s; didn’t eat the veggies. Had the other half of my Berry soda; five more chocolate/almond/cherry patties.
So, not brilliant, but normally this would have been much, much worse. Take my choice for breakfast today for example. Went to Jack in the Box; got the Sausage Croissant sandwich (15 pts), 10 mini churros (Why? Why do I feel I need those? 19 pts), and a bottled water. 34 points for breakfast alone; I should get between 38 and 47 points for the WHOLE DAY. Not a great start.
But I will get better.
I AM DETERMINED.
Ate my Lean Cuisine pizza, a small side salad w/ranch dressing on the side (I put my fork in the dressing then spear my lettuce), three lemon Newton’s Fruit Thins, bottled water.
I am starving.
Dang. Not sure what I will be eating for dinner; will do my best!
TTFN.
Tuesday, October 9, 2012
Day One of New Attitude
OK, even though I haven’t been able to officially join WW yet, I am doing my best to work on my habits. First habit to work on: food journaling. I do really well in the beginning, and I do really well from morning until I leave work, but then I just can’t seem to continue after I get home.
I will do my best to change that.
Here is what I have eaten today:
7:20am – 2 oatmeal raisin cookies. Hey, I figure it’s not any worse than commercial oatmeal flavored with brown sugar with raisins added. OK, it is worse, but it’s too late now, I already ate them.
7:45am – one Smart Ones breakfast sandwich w/turkey sausage. I L-O-V-E breakfast sandwiches! These are actually really good; so are the ones with Canadian bacon.
8:07am – finished first bottle of 16.9 oz of water w/sugar free drink mix added. I say "first" because I plan to drink a total of three. I am terrible about drinking enough water, something I have discussed ad nauseaum in previous posts.
9:30am – big piece of Starbuck’s coffee cake; brought to me as a gift from a co-worker, felt too guilty to say NO.
11am – Noon: Lunch at work. Brought smart stuff to eat; forgot it was chicken enchilada day. I completely forgot about what I had brought and had 2 enchiladas with Spanish rice and can of Diet Coke.
Well, so far everything is going according to plan. My EVIL TWIN’S PLAN! Strangely, I am not deterred or disappointed or angry. My good decisions are being undone by my bad ones, but I am not surprised or dismayed by this. And it’s not going to stop me. I am going to acknowledge that I am not making the best decisions today, and when the next decision comes up, I know what I have to do.
Kick my evil twin in the balls and run like hell.
I am headed down to my mom’s place tonight after work and I’ll be there all day tomorrow, so I won’t be able to log the rest of my day today or my day tomorrow, but on Thursday I will post what went on. I promise to be 100% honest. The plan is to eat what I brought for lunch for tonight's dinner, make the best choices I can all day tomorrow, and bring a good lunch to work on Thursday.
May the force be with me.
I will do my best to change that.
Here is what I have eaten today:
7:20am – 2 oatmeal raisin cookies. Hey, I figure it’s not any worse than commercial oatmeal flavored with brown sugar with raisins added. OK, it is worse, but it’s too late now, I already ate them.
7:45am – one Smart Ones breakfast sandwich w/turkey sausage. I L-O-V-E breakfast sandwiches! These are actually really good; so are the ones with Canadian bacon.
8:07am – finished first bottle of 16.9 oz of water w/sugar free drink mix added. I say "first" because I plan to drink a total of three. I am terrible about drinking enough water, something I have discussed ad nauseaum in previous posts.
9:30am – big piece of Starbuck’s coffee cake; brought to me as a gift from a co-worker, felt too guilty to say NO.
11am – Noon: Lunch at work. Brought smart stuff to eat; forgot it was chicken enchilada day. I completely forgot about what I had brought and had 2 enchiladas with Spanish rice and can of Diet Coke.
Well, so far everything is going according to plan. My EVIL TWIN’S PLAN! Strangely, I am not deterred or disappointed or angry. My good decisions are being undone by my bad ones, but I am not surprised or dismayed by this. And it’s not going to stop me. I am going to acknowledge that I am not making the best decisions today, and when the next decision comes up, I know what I have to do.
Kick my evil twin in the balls and run like hell.
I am headed down to my mom’s place tonight after work and I’ll be there all day tomorrow, so I won’t be able to log the rest of my day today or my day tomorrow, but on Thursday I will post what went on. I promise to be 100% honest. The plan is to eat what I brought for lunch for tonight's dinner, make the best choices I can all day tomorrow, and bring a good lunch to work on Thursday.
May the force be with me.
Monday, October 8, 2012
The View From Rock Bottom Sucks
I have hit an all-time low, or a high, depending on which way you want to look at it. Either way, it’s bad.
I weighed myself last week: 340.2.
That weird crashing noise you thought you heard last week but couldn’t place? My life.
My depression level has rarely been at the level it has been for the last week. I can genuinely put it in my top three all-time depression moments.
I have been doing some deep thinking lately, and I have come to some conclusions. Bear with me while I share. Some of these things I have not shared with anyone before.
About 15 years ago, I was experiencing one of my other top three depression episodes. I decided that my life was just no longer worth living, and decided to take steps toward ending it. All my problems were insurmountable, unsolvable; I was less than nothing, unloved, unlovable, destined for failure on all counts and there was just no getting past it. I knew that my suicide would distress very few, although my mother would be devastated and my sister would be similarly unhappy, but I was determined to go through with it. But, before I hacked at my wrists or slammed my vehicle into a telephone pole, I wanted to give my apartment a thorough cleaning. My mother would be having a hard enough time with my death the least I could do for her was make sure the apartment was nice and clean when she came to clear out my things.
I have not been able to keep a clean and tidy home since. Coincidence? Doubtful.
And since I am still around to be writing this pathetic blog, I obviously gave up on the whole idea of killing myself, right?
Are you sure about that conclusion?
Why else would an intelligent person like myself allow my skeleton, heart, kidneys and liver to try to support 340 pounds?
Slow suicide. It’s a lot less obvious, less messy, takes longer – granted, but the end result is still the same. I’m still slicing off whole years, decades probably, from my life.
I don’t know why this is finally sinking in, that this is what I am really doing to myself. And I don’t know why it’s making me want to fight back for a change. I am 45 years old. I don’t want to be a sad sack anymore. I don’t want to be fat anymore. I want to live. REALLY LIVE. Not exist.
I am joining Weight Watchers again. I haven’t been an actual member for a long time, but whenever I was trying to diet I would use what I learned from them and use my old Points counter slide-ruler thingy. About two days after I made the decision to join, I went to the library to pick up a book I had on hold. When I went to the checkout counter, they have books on display, and guess what book was on display? “Weight Loss Boss: How to Finally Win at Losing--and Take Charge in an Out-of-Control Food World” by David Kirchhoff, the CEO of…wait for it…Weight Watchers.
I now take it as a sign.
I love his book. It is not a book for WW members, it not really a book about WW (although he does discuss how WW works); it is about one man’s struggle to lose weight. Can you imagine being the CEO of the world’s most successful weight loss corporation and being obese? Welcome to David’s world. He is funny, real, inspiring, down to earth, and very candid. The book is not condescending in any way, and he doesn’t sugar coat things. I really enjoyed reading it and it only took me about a day and half!
I am not going to do the online program this time; I need a social life and I don’t have one. I crave adult company and conversation, and I don’t get that at home anymore and I don’t really get it at work. (No, I didn’t get the job I mentioned in my last post; but I am working again. I hate it.) I am going to get the Monthly Pass so that I can attend as many meetings as I want, where ever and when ever I want to. I want to go to one in Longview where I work on Tuesdays, and to one in Chehalis (about 20 miles from the house) on Saturdays. I am going to need all the help I can get, and I figure I will click with one group or the other and hopefully get some of what I need.
All I need now is the money to do it. Hopefully I can do it this payday. Cross your fingers for me.
My other goal is to buy a bike. I was quite the avid bicyclist when I was a teenager and I loved it so much. The problem now is trying to find a bike that will hold my massive carcass without the wheels going flat. I found one that I want (it’s on my Diet and Exercise Pinterest board) that is made by Worksman Cycles in the USA; they are customizable and are made for riders up to 500 lbs! I want to ride my bike all over the frickin’ countryside out here, then I want to do the Seattle to Portland race that they have every year. (For more information on it, go here: https://shop.cascade.org/content/events/stp) I really, really want to do it. I am going to make greeting cards and jewelry to sell to reach my goal of buying my bike; hopefully I’ll have enough money before I’m 90.
This morning I weighed myself and I am down to 336.2 so I am going in the right direction and I am feeling a little better. I am going to print off a lot of motivational things from my Pinterest boards and hang them on my bedroom walls.
Go me.
I weighed myself last week: 340.2.
That weird crashing noise you thought you heard last week but couldn’t place? My life.
My depression level has rarely been at the level it has been for the last week. I can genuinely put it in my top three all-time depression moments.
I have been doing some deep thinking lately, and I have come to some conclusions. Bear with me while I share. Some of these things I have not shared with anyone before.
About 15 years ago, I was experiencing one of my other top three depression episodes. I decided that my life was just no longer worth living, and decided to take steps toward ending it. All my problems were insurmountable, unsolvable; I was less than nothing, unloved, unlovable, destined for failure on all counts and there was just no getting past it. I knew that my suicide would distress very few, although my mother would be devastated and my sister would be similarly unhappy, but I was determined to go through with it. But, before I hacked at my wrists or slammed my vehicle into a telephone pole, I wanted to give my apartment a thorough cleaning. My mother would be having a hard enough time with my death the least I could do for her was make sure the apartment was nice and clean when she came to clear out my things.
I have not been able to keep a clean and tidy home since. Coincidence? Doubtful.
And since I am still around to be writing this pathetic blog, I obviously gave up on the whole idea of killing myself, right?
Are you sure about that conclusion?
Why else would an intelligent person like myself allow my skeleton, heart, kidneys and liver to try to support 340 pounds?
Slow suicide. It’s a lot less obvious, less messy, takes longer – granted, but the end result is still the same. I’m still slicing off whole years, decades probably, from my life.
I don’t know why this is finally sinking in, that this is what I am really doing to myself. And I don’t know why it’s making me want to fight back for a change. I am 45 years old. I don’t want to be a sad sack anymore. I don’t want to be fat anymore. I want to live. REALLY LIVE. Not exist.
I am joining Weight Watchers again. I haven’t been an actual member for a long time, but whenever I was trying to diet I would use what I learned from them and use my old Points counter slide-ruler thingy. About two days after I made the decision to join, I went to the library to pick up a book I had on hold. When I went to the checkout counter, they have books on display, and guess what book was on display? “Weight Loss Boss: How to Finally Win at Losing--and Take Charge in an Out-of-Control Food World” by David Kirchhoff, the CEO of…wait for it…Weight Watchers.
I now take it as a sign.
I love his book. It is not a book for WW members, it not really a book about WW (although he does discuss how WW works); it is about one man’s struggle to lose weight. Can you imagine being the CEO of the world’s most successful weight loss corporation and being obese? Welcome to David’s world. He is funny, real, inspiring, down to earth, and very candid. The book is not condescending in any way, and he doesn’t sugar coat things. I really enjoyed reading it and it only took me about a day and half!
I am not going to do the online program this time; I need a social life and I don’t have one. I crave adult company and conversation, and I don’t get that at home anymore and I don’t really get it at work. (No, I didn’t get the job I mentioned in my last post; but I am working again. I hate it.) I am going to get the Monthly Pass so that I can attend as many meetings as I want, where ever and when ever I want to. I want to go to one in Longview where I work on Tuesdays, and to one in Chehalis (about 20 miles from the house) on Saturdays. I am going to need all the help I can get, and I figure I will click with one group or the other and hopefully get some of what I need.
All I need now is the money to do it. Hopefully I can do it this payday. Cross your fingers for me.
My other goal is to buy a bike. I was quite the avid bicyclist when I was a teenager and I loved it so much. The problem now is trying to find a bike that will hold my massive carcass without the wheels going flat. I found one that I want (it’s on my Diet and Exercise Pinterest board) that is made by Worksman Cycles in the USA; they are customizable and are made for riders up to 500 lbs! I want to ride my bike all over the frickin’ countryside out here, then I want to do the Seattle to Portland race that they have every year. (For more information on it, go here: https://shop.cascade.org/content/events/stp) I really, really want to do it. I am going to make greeting cards and jewelry to sell to reach my goal of buying my bike; hopefully I’ll have enough money before I’m 90.
This morning I weighed myself and I am down to 336.2 so I am going in the right direction and I am feeling a little better. I am going to print off a lot of motivational things from my Pinterest boards and hang them on my bedroom walls.
Go me.
Friday, July 13, 2012
Just five minutes...
OK - here we go.
I have done nothing but sit on my big fat butt for the last several weeks of my life, in front of the computer, looking for work. Had an interview on Wednesday, should hear something today since they want the right person to start on Monday.
Point is, I have been just sitting around all day. Every single pore of my body is in PAIN! Especially my upper back. I keep thinking, "Just move your body and you won't hurt so much." Right.
I have also been getting some motivation from reading various blogs and health websites, most that I have found through Pintrest. Have I mentioned my addiction? Seriously, there needs to be a 12-step program. This morning I was reading a story from the Joy Luck Club on Yahoo. One woman started her weight loss journey by exercising just five minutes a day. Five minutes? Surely I can do that much. So starting today, I am starting again. For the 5,000,000th time. Hey - at least I keep starting again instead of giving up! Also, yesterday my only "friend" on SparkPeople sent me an email to say she missed me and hoped I would come back. That was really cool. I often figure that no one thinks or cares about me ever, so this was a nice surprise.
I have started journaling my food again. I made up a template on Microsoft Works to track my calories (which is all I am tracking at the moment), water intake and exercise output. As soon as I can figure out to do it, I will put a sample of it on my side bar or put it in a future post; feel free to copy it and modify it to your own preferences. So, I did my five minutes of exercise about 10 minutes ago and feel pretty good. I was able to walk up and down our long driveway three times with my Nordic Walking Poles. Here is a picture of someone else walking with poles similar to mine, just so you get the drift:
I have done nothing but sit on my big fat butt for the last several weeks of my life, in front of the computer, looking for work. Had an interview on Wednesday, should hear something today since they want the right person to start on Monday.
Point is, I have been just sitting around all day. Every single pore of my body is in PAIN! Especially my upper back. I keep thinking, "Just move your body and you won't hurt so much." Right.
I have also been getting some motivation from reading various blogs and health websites, most that I have found through Pintrest. Have I mentioned my addiction? Seriously, there needs to be a 12-step program. This morning I was reading a story from the Joy Luck Club on Yahoo. One woman started her weight loss journey by exercising just five minutes a day. Five minutes? Surely I can do that much. So starting today, I am starting again. For the 5,000,000th time. Hey - at least I keep starting again instead of giving up! Also, yesterday my only "friend" on SparkPeople sent me an email to say she missed me and hoped I would come back. That was really cool. I often figure that no one thinks or cares about me ever, so this was a nice surprise.
I have started journaling my food again. I made up a template on Microsoft Works to track my calories (which is all I am tracking at the moment), water intake and exercise output. As soon as I can figure out to do it, I will put a sample of it on my side bar or put it in a future post; feel free to copy it and modify it to your own preferences. So, I did my five minutes of exercise about 10 minutes ago and feel pretty good. I was able to walk up and down our long driveway three times with my Nordic Walking Poles. Here is a picture of someone else walking with poles similar to mine, just so you get the drift:
 |
| Photo from www.walkingpoles.com |
I love my walking poles! I am really top heavy, and any activity - especially walking - makes my upper back (just above my bra in the back) feel like it's going to snap in half. I always have to push a cart at the market, otherwise I can't make it around the store. I need something to support my upper half, and surprisingly enough these little poles do just that. I bought mine several years ago from eBay; they aren't the same brand as the ones above, but they do the trick. They also get your arms swinging as you walk, so you burn a few more calories and a little upper body workout too.
So, that's where I am today. I really want to keep this going, so we shall see how I do.
TTFN.
Monday, July 2, 2012
Untitled
Unemployed.
Ok, so it just goes to show you that it isn't a not-enough-hours-in-the-day time thing. But I know that. My biggest problem is that I am full of words and dreams, but when it comes down to it, I just sit like a blob.
It used to be that TV (and NetFlix) were the issue. Now it's Pintrest. Oh lord, I have wasted so many hours in this stupid chair pinning clothes I will never wear, recipes I will never make... My diet and exercise board consists mainly of jokes about why I haven't lost weight. Joy! But, to be fair, I have started to find some things that make sense to me, and have also found a few (more) inspirational blogs to follow.
I really don't want to be like this anymore. This what goes on in my head, 24/7, on a loop:
PROBLEM SOLUTION
I hurt all the time. My back, feet, Move the body anyway. It hurts to just do basic stuff,
hips, etc. so it's going to hurt when you exercise. What's the
difference?
I don't have anywhere to safely walk. Walk up and down the driveway, stupid.
The only things we have in the house to Do the best you can, drink more liquids to fill yourself
eat are boxes of macaroni & cheese, up, get a job so you can buy your own food.
Top Ramen, and eggs.
I'm off my anti-depressant and cannot Stop whining and get on with it already.
get motivated to do anything good
for myself.
You'd think that I'd be getting a great workout, beating myself up like this on a daily basis, but funnily enough it doesn't really work that way.
Today I am going to walk up and down our driveway. It's not super long or anything, but it's a rural home driveway so it's probably 3x's the length of the typical home's driveway. The road we live on really isn't a very safe road to be on; it's barely wide enough for two cars to pass each other, a 50mph speed limit (which means that people drive 75mph), with deep ditches on either side with no shoulder. So I will start with the driveway, walking up and down as many times as I can, then later I will start walking on the road with my bright department-of-transportation-orange safety vest on.
I am looking for a bicycle that will support my weight that costs less than a small country's national budget, and I have found one. I have it pinned (HA! shut up) on my diet & exercise board on Pintrest - check it out if you like. I really would like to get one; when I was in high school and in my best shape/weight I rode my bike @100 miles a week. I had fantastic legs and a wonderful sense of freedom. It would be a great way for me to get out in the fresh air and sunshine (whenever it decides to show up - damn global warming in the Pacific NW), would be pretty much non-impact (unless I fall off the dumb thing), and a great way to build up my cardio. I would ultimately want to start running, but I'm afraid my boobs will beat me to death. It's something to work up to anyway.
Well, that's where I stand for now. Eventually this will become a blog about weight LOSS, not just weight whining. Hang in there!
TTFN
- Uninsured
- Unmedicated
- Unhappy
- Unmotivated
Ok, so it just goes to show you that it isn't a not-enough-hours-in-the-day time thing. But I know that. My biggest problem is that I am full of words and dreams, but when it comes down to it, I just sit like a blob.
It used to be that TV (and NetFlix) were the issue. Now it's Pintrest. Oh lord, I have wasted so many hours in this stupid chair pinning clothes I will never wear, recipes I will never make... My diet and exercise board consists mainly of jokes about why I haven't lost weight. Joy! But, to be fair, I have started to find some things that make sense to me, and have also found a few (more) inspirational blogs to follow.
I really don't want to be like this anymore. This what goes on in my head, 24/7, on a loop:
PROBLEM SOLUTION
I hurt all the time. My back, feet, Move the body anyway. It hurts to just do basic stuff,
hips, etc. so it's going to hurt when you exercise. What's the
difference?
I don't have anywhere to safely walk. Walk up and down the driveway, stupid.
The only things we have in the house to Do the best you can, drink more liquids to fill yourself
eat are boxes of macaroni & cheese, up, get a job so you can buy your own food.
Top Ramen, and eggs.
I'm off my anti-depressant and cannot Stop whining and get on with it already.
get motivated to do anything good
for myself.
You'd think that I'd be getting a great workout, beating myself up like this on a daily basis, but funnily enough it doesn't really work that way.
Today I am going to walk up and down our driveway. It's not super long or anything, but it's a rural home driveway so it's probably 3x's the length of the typical home's driveway. The road we live on really isn't a very safe road to be on; it's barely wide enough for two cars to pass each other, a 50mph speed limit (which means that people drive 75mph), with deep ditches on either side with no shoulder. So I will start with the driveway, walking up and down as many times as I can, then later I will start walking on the road with my bright department-of-transportation-orange safety vest on.
I am looking for a bicycle that will support my weight that costs less than a small country's national budget, and I have found one. I have it pinned (HA! shut up) on my diet & exercise board on Pintrest - check it out if you like. I really would like to get one; when I was in high school and in my best shape/weight I rode my bike @100 miles a week. I had fantastic legs and a wonderful sense of freedom. It would be a great way for me to get out in the fresh air and sunshine (whenever it decides to show up - damn global warming in the Pacific NW), would be pretty much non-impact (unless I fall off the dumb thing), and a great way to build up my cardio. I would ultimately want to start running, but I'm afraid my boobs will beat me to death. It's something to work up to anyway.
Well, that's where I stand for now. Eventually this will become a blog about weight LOSS, not just weight whining. Hang in there!
TTFN
Friday, March 23, 2012
Just keep going...
Well, I am down 15lbs so far. I figure I lost 8.5lbs from my feet and ankles, 3lbs from my face, 2.5lbs from my hair, and 1lb from my left elbow. My shoes fit better, but otherwise I can’t tell from how my clothes fit or by how I look that the weight is gone.
So. Not. Fair.
Be grateful, I tell myself. Others don’t notice, but you know you’ve done it.
Sod that, my other self answers. I want people to GASP with recognition that the weight has fallen off.
Fine. I guess that means that I’ll just have to keep going now, won’t it? At some point the weight loss will be obvious because I’ll have to buy new pants that don’t fall down, a new bra because the cups are too empty (oh, that’s a joy I SERIOUSLY look forward to!), and sexier tops because the back fat is fading away.
So, here I go, plodding away to the next victory: being below 310 again. All I have to do is lose another 15lbs; and the first just weren’t that painful.
I wasn’t journaling my food (vvv bad) because I got so frustrated with it. If it frustrates me too much, it will make me quit the whole she-bang. So, no more journaling. But I am keeping track to an extent. Truly.
I cut back on my serving sizes, especially when it came to the home-made meals. Instead of three or four heaping spoonfuls of mashed potatoes, just one semi-hefty one. Instead of eating until I feel I will burst or have a coronary episode, I ate until I was almost full, then rested my fork for a bit. I stopped eating handfuls of jelly beans to help my night-time pills go down. I drank a little more water, and took the stairs an extra time or two.
Huh, I guess that was just enough.
Onwards and upwards! Er…downwards! Hmphf. Doesn’t really have the same ring to it, does it?
So. Not. Fair.
Be grateful, I tell myself. Others don’t notice, but you know you’ve done it.
Sod that, my other self answers. I want people to GASP with recognition that the weight has fallen off.
Fine. I guess that means that I’ll just have to keep going now, won’t it? At some point the weight loss will be obvious because I’ll have to buy new pants that don’t fall down, a new bra because the cups are too empty (oh, that’s a joy I SERIOUSLY look forward to!), and sexier tops because the back fat is fading away.
So, here I go, plodding away to the next victory: being below 310 again. All I have to do is lose another 15lbs; and the first just weren’t that painful.
I wasn’t journaling my food (vvv bad) because I got so frustrated with it. If it frustrates me too much, it will make me quit the whole she-bang. So, no more journaling. But I am keeping track to an extent. Truly.
I cut back on my serving sizes, especially when it came to the home-made meals. Instead of three or four heaping spoonfuls of mashed potatoes, just one semi-hefty one. Instead of eating until I feel I will burst or have a coronary episode, I ate until I was almost full, then rested my fork for a bit. I stopped eating handfuls of jelly beans to help my night-time pills go down. I drank a little more water, and took the stairs an extra time or two.
Huh, I guess that was just enough.
Onwards and upwards! Er…downwards! Hmphf. Doesn’t really have the same ring to it, does it?
Thursday, March 1, 2012
Frustration 101
Frustration and weight loss go hand in hand. Like peas and carrots; pancakes and syrup; Oreos and milk; uh…what was I talking about again? Oh, yeah, yeah, weight loss and frustration.
Today I’d like to talk about my frustration with tracking what I eat. Now, I am a compulsive list maker. Nothing makes me happier than writing down lists of stuff and things; I’m even happier if I can make an Excel spreadsheet to track the things I am listing.
Here is the frustrating part: due to my current lifestyle (read: lazy) I am often faced with eating foods that I have not weighed or measured myself. They still may be healthy choices, but they are not marked with how much the serving size is and there is no nutritional information given. Case in point: because I am not able to get up in time to make and eat breakfast at home, I will often grab something from the café that is on site here at the mill where I currently work. My favorite choice of late is vanilla low-fat yogurt with fresh blueberries. Yummy! I have a box of granola stashed in my desk, and I will add a ¼ cup to the yogurt for extra texture and crunch. The problem is that I can measure and record the nutritional information for the granola, but not the yogurt or berries. The container that they come in is not marked with how much is in the container (1 cup of yogurt, ½ cup berries??); and while I can look up the information on the berries online, I don’t know about the yogurt – what brand is it, etc. So, how much am I eating? How do I fill in the perfect little cells on my Excel spreadsheet with the information it so desires?
The other frustration with this is home-made food. Tuesday night we had tacos for dinner. They are served “family style”, which in our house means you help yourself from the pans on the stovetop. The beans were my sister’s home canned pinto beans; they were not fried or even refried. Just heated up in a saucepan and smashed to smithereens to the same texture. The hamburger was just regular hamburger browned with onions and spices in a non-stick pan. We like to pan fry corn tortillas in vegetable oil, and I use a few drops of bottled taco sauce, some sour cream, and a pinch of shredded Colby cheese to top it off. If I was the dedicated dieter that several people are, I would have at least measured/weighed each item so that I knew exactly how much I was eating. But when I am starving and dukeing it out with two big men and my equally starving sister to be sure I get anything at all, taking the time to do that doesn’t always occur to me. Not to mention that I currently do not have access to a food scale, nor do I have the funds to go purchase one at the moment. By the time it would have taken me to weigh everything while building my first taco, the rest of the food would be gone. Seriously. Although that would mean that I wouldn’t be able to stuff myself to the point of explosion, so maybe that wouldn’t be such a bad thing. But it’s just not my style, to be honest.
I think I am standing in my own way. The “it’s just not my style” in that last paragraph kinda directs the spotlight on a lot of my problems, doesn’t it? I guess that I really need to change my style, or else my style will be to wear gigantic muumuus and whine about how badly my back hurts all the time. That is not a cool style. I want my style to be pencil skirts and stiletto heels, biking down the Oregon coast or all around Mt. Rainier National Park (not in the pencil skirt and stiletto heels, though. More like a cool sports bra and {gasp} shorts). I want my style to be fun and spontaneous, not pre-planned to death so that I am not caught by surprise in some situation that will make me both physically and psychologically uncomfortable (air planes, amusement parks, anywhere I cannot wear full length pants, at least ¾ sleeves and tennis shoes which pretty much leaves out formal occasions and anywhere where the weather is more than 75 degrees).
I will have to commit to starting small. Get the damn food scale. Don’t eat stuff if I don’t know how much the serving size amounts to, and if I can’t get my hands on the nutritional info.
Any other suggestions?
Today I’d like to talk about my frustration with tracking what I eat. Now, I am a compulsive list maker. Nothing makes me happier than writing down lists of stuff and things; I’m even happier if I can make an Excel spreadsheet to track the things I am listing.
Here is the frustrating part: due to my current lifestyle (read: lazy) I am often faced with eating foods that I have not weighed or measured myself. They still may be healthy choices, but they are not marked with how much the serving size is and there is no nutritional information given. Case in point: because I am not able to get up in time to make and eat breakfast at home, I will often grab something from the café that is on site here at the mill where I currently work. My favorite choice of late is vanilla low-fat yogurt with fresh blueberries. Yummy! I have a box of granola stashed in my desk, and I will add a ¼ cup to the yogurt for extra texture and crunch. The problem is that I can measure and record the nutritional information for the granola, but not the yogurt or berries. The container that they come in is not marked with how much is in the container (1 cup of yogurt, ½ cup berries??); and while I can look up the information on the berries online, I don’t know about the yogurt – what brand is it, etc. So, how much am I eating? How do I fill in the perfect little cells on my Excel spreadsheet with the information it so desires?
The other frustration with this is home-made food. Tuesday night we had tacos for dinner. They are served “family style”, which in our house means you help yourself from the pans on the stovetop. The beans were my sister’s home canned pinto beans; they were not fried or even refried. Just heated up in a saucepan and smashed to smithereens to the same texture. The hamburger was just regular hamburger browned with onions and spices in a non-stick pan. We like to pan fry corn tortillas in vegetable oil, and I use a few drops of bottled taco sauce, some sour cream, and a pinch of shredded Colby cheese to top it off. If I was the dedicated dieter that several people are, I would have at least measured/weighed each item so that I knew exactly how much I was eating. But when I am starving and dukeing it out with two big men and my equally starving sister to be sure I get anything at all, taking the time to do that doesn’t always occur to me. Not to mention that I currently do not have access to a food scale, nor do I have the funds to go purchase one at the moment. By the time it would have taken me to weigh everything while building my first taco, the rest of the food would be gone. Seriously. Although that would mean that I wouldn’t be able to stuff myself to the point of explosion, so maybe that wouldn’t be such a bad thing. But it’s just not my style, to be honest.
I think I am standing in my own way. The “it’s just not my style” in that last paragraph kinda directs the spotlight on a lot of my problems, doesn’t it? I guess that I really need to change my style, or else my style will be to wear gigantic muumuus and whine about how badly my back hurts all the time. That is not a cool style. I want my style to be pencil skirts and stiletto heels, biking down the Oregon coast or all around Mt. Rainier National Park (not in the pencil skirt and stiletto heels, though. More like a cool sports bra and {gasp} shorts). I want my style to be fun and spontaneous, not pre-planned to death so that I am not caught by surprise in some situation that will make me both physically and psychologically uncomfortable (air planes, amusement parks, anywhere I cannot wear full length pants, at least ¾ sleeves and tennis shoes which pretty much leaves out formal occasions and anywhere where the weather is more than 75 degrees).
I will have to commit to starting small. Get the damn food scale. Don’t eat stuff if I don’t know how much the serving size amounts to, and if I can’t get my hands on the nutritional info.
Any other suggestions?
Monday, February 27, 2012
Today's word: humiliation
I know I said that I was going to blog more; I have to be careful what I say out loud (or in print) these days, I guess. Approximately two days after saying that, our internet was turned off. Ah, gotta love these financial times, eh? If you want to read about that, you can check out my whining on my other blog. We still don’t have internet access, but I have managed to find a way to get back onto my blog. So, without further adieu, here we go.
Today’s subject is: humiliation.
Last night I decided I would take a bath. I have not taken a bath in, oh – I don’t know – 10 years or more. I have also gained a substantial amount of weight since then. How much? I don’t know; just take my word for it. A lot, OK? I shower.
So I got out the cherry blossom bubble bath, the hazelnut scented candle, a back issue of InStyle magazine, and prepared for a nice treat. I have weather-induced migraines and had been suffering a lot this weekend; a nice, quiet, hot soak just sounded so lovely. As I stood in the steaming bubbly water, I realized that sitting down at foot (or floor) level is not very … erm … graceful for me. My thighs and calves are now so big that I cannot actually crouch down anymore. I finally determined that if I sat on the edge of the tub, held onto the grab bar that we have on the edge of the tub, and braced myself against the wall with my left hand, I could kind of slide into the water.
Silly me; I had forgotten Archimedes’ water displacement discovery. Shamu + lots of water with bubbles ÷ tub built for normal sized humans = not nearly the relaxing bath I had expected.
There was a virtual tsunami of water that flowed over the side of the tub, all over the bathroom floor, drowning my magazine, bathmat, and clothes.
Pffft.
So much for that. I realized that I couldn’t even lean back in the tub to relax because my morbidly obese ass had dammed up the water behind me so high that even turning around to look at it made more water flow over the side. CRAP!!! So after squirming around for about five minutes or so, trying to even out the water in front of me and behind me, I finally had to admit defeat. I sat still, listening to the water flow out of the tub via the overflow drain, thinking that now I will also have to mop the bathroom floor when I get out. Yay me.
I decided to get up and take a shower.
You know, you would think that the biggest enemy against a fat person trying to get out of a bathtub would be slipping, right? It’s not.
It’s suction.
Oh yes; my big fat lower half was wedged into the tub pretty well, yes indeedy-do. I then had a slight moment of panic (OK it was more like three minutes of intense panic): how the heck am I going to get back up and out of this tub? I am not able to pull myself into a crouch, as I mentioned before. I can’t put any pressure on my knees, at least not on hard surfaces, and the bottom of this tub ain’t made of marshmallow fluff. Normally I would holler for Sissy to come help me out of this jam, but she is 100 miles to the south at my mom’s house for the weekend. If I need help, there is just my 74-year-old brother-in-law that is recovering from major surgery, or his 70-year-old friend that is currently staying with us. So not an option. It’s up to me to get myself out of this pickle.
So I figured that I might, just might, be able to reverse the process that got me into the tub. I turned on my left side a bit to break the suction, grabbed that little plastic bar they put in tubs for you to hang your wash cloth on with my left hand, grabbed the grab bar on the right edge of the tub, stuffed a wash cloth under my left knee, and HEAVED. It took me three tries and I’m pretty sure I strained a groin muscle, but I managed to plonk myself back on the edge of the tub.
Yeah, that was the relaxing experience I had in mind.
Not.
After showering off the bubbles, blowing out the candle and mopping up the floor, I returned to my room and reflected. I sure wish there was some way I could just STOP EATING. Lately my weight has ballooned up to 340 lbs. I don’t get it. I recently got a job after being out of work for 15 months (during which time I had actually managed to lose 20 lbs by watching TV and walking the dog in the yard). I have to walk a minimum of 100-150 yards from the parking lot to my building, then climb a flight of stairs to my office. The bathroom lies at the bottom of these stairs, so I’m climbing them at least 5 times a day in addition to the walking. I’m not eating large meals, but I will be honest and say that I do eat quite a lot of sugar right before I go to bed. I take a bunch of pills that won’t seem to go down unless I eat a little sumpin’ sumpin’ afterwards, so it’s usually a handful (or four) of candy. But I kind of thought that the extra exercise would cancel that out? Apparently not.
I am so incredibly depressed about my weight. Sometimes I think, “Why bother?” I have so much weight to lose; I’m going to be 45 in a few weeks; I haven’t had a boyfriend since I was 17; what is the point? But then I think that I’m only half-way through this life (hopefully); maybe I could have a romantic relationship if I just lost the weight and gained some self-assurance and self respect; and I don’t really want to die at this weight from a massive coronary.
What I would really like is to get the lap band. I think that surgery is just my only option at this point, and I don’t want to Frankenstein my insides (no offence to those that have had gastric bypass). That option scares the dookey out of me. But I like the idea of the band because I’m not cutting apart and rearranging major organs, and not relying on malnutrition to make me thinner. I also like the idea that it is reversible if necessary. The only thing standing in my way? Remember why I haven’t been blogging? Right – no internet. Why? No money. Funnily enough, no money = no surgery.
Anyone know a surgeon willing to do it for free? Yes? Hello?
All I hear are crickets.
Today’s subject is: humiliation.
Last night I decided I would take a bath. I have not taken a bath in, oh – I don’t know – 10 years or more. I have also gained a substantial amount of weight since then. How much? I don’t know; just take my word for it. A lot, OK? I shower.
So I got out the cherry blossom bubble bath, the hazelnut scented candle, a back issue of InStyle magazine, and prepared for a nice treat. I have weather-induced migraines and had been suffering a lot this weekend; a nice, quiet, hot soak just sounded so lovely. As I stood in the steaming bubbly water, I realized that sitting down at foot (or floor) level is not very … erm … graceful for me. My thighs and calves are now so big that I cannot actually crouch down anymore. I finally determined that if I sat on the edge of the tub, held onto the grab bar that we have on the edge of the tub, and braced myself against the wall with my left hand, I could kind of slide into the water.
Silly me; I had forgotten Archimedes’ water displacement discovery. Shamu + lots of water with bubbles ÷ tub built for normal sized humans = not nearly the relaxing bath I had expected.
There was a virtual tsunami of water that flowed over the side of the tub, all over the bathroom floor, drowning my magazine, bathmat, and clothes.
Pffft.
So much for that. I realized that I couldn’t even lean back in the tub to relax because my morbidly obese ass had dammed up the water behind me so high that even turning around to look at it made more water flow over the side. CRAP!!! So after squirming around for about five minutes or so, trying to even out the water in front of me and behind me, I finally had to admit defeat. I sat still, listening to the water flow out of the tub via the overflow drain, thinking that now I will also have to mop the bathroom floor when I get out. Yay me.
I decided to get up and take a shower.
You know, you would think that the biggest enemy against a fat person trying to get out of a bathtub would be slipping, right? It’s not.
It’s suction.
Oh yes; my big fat lower half was wedged into the tub pretty well, yes indeedy-do. I then had a slight moment of panic (OK it was more like three minutes of intense panic): how the heck am I going to get back up and out of this tub? I am not able to pull myself into a crouch, as I mentioned before. I can’t put any pressure on my knees, at least not on hard surfaces, and the bottom of this tub ain’t made of marshmallow fluff. Normally I would holler for Sissy to come help me out of this jam, but she is 100 miles to the south at my mom’s house for the weekend. If I need help, there is just my 74-year-old brother-in-law that is recovering from major surgery, or his 70-year-old friend that is currently staying with us. So not an option. It’s up to me to get myself out of this pickle.
So I figured that I might, just might, be able to reverse the process that got me into the tub. I turned on my left side a bit to break the suction, grabbed that little plastic bar they put in tubs for you to hang your wash cloth on with my left hand, grabbed the grab bar on the right edge of the tub, stuffed a wash cloth under my left knee, and HEAVED. It took me three tries and I’m pretty sure I strained a groin muscle, but I managed to plonk myself back on the edge of the tub.
Yeah, that was the relaxing experience I had in mind.
Not.
After showering off the bubbles, blowing out the candle and mopping up the floor, I returned to my room and reflected. I sure wish there was some way I could just STOP EATING. Lately my weight has ballooned up to 340 lbs. I don’t get it. I recently got a job after being out of work for 15 months (during which time I had actually managed to lose 20 lbs by watching TV and walking the dog in the yard). I have to walk a minimum of 100-150 yards from the parking lot to my building, then climb a flight of stairs to my office. The bathroom lies at the bottom of these stairs, so I’m climbing them at least 5 times a day in addition to the walking. I’m not eating large meals, but I will be honest and say that I do eat quite a lot of sugar right before I go to bed. I take a bunch of pills that won’t seem to go down unless I eat a little sumpin’ sumpin’ afterwards, so it’s usually a handful (or four) of candy. But I kind of thought that the extra exercise would cancel that out? Apparently not.
I am so incredibly depressed about my weight. Sometimes I think, “Why bother?” I have so much weight to lose; I’m going to be 45 in a few weeks; I haven’t had a boyfriend since I was 17; what is the point? But then I think that I’m only half-way through this life (hopefully); maybe I could have a romantic relationship if I just lost the weight and gained some self-assurance and self respect; and I don’t really want to die at this weight from a massive coronary.
What I would really like is to get the lap band. I think that surgery is just my only option at this point, and I don’t want to Frankenstein my insides (no offence to those that have had gastric bypass). That option scares the dookey out of me. But I like the idea of the band because I’m not cutting apart and rearranging major organs, and not relying on malnutrition to make me thinner. I also like the idea that it is reversible if necessary. The only thing standing in my way? Remember why I haven’t been blogging? Right – no internet. Why? No money. Funnily enough, no money = no surgery.
Anyone know a surgeon willing to do it for free? Yes? Hello?
All I hear are crickets.
Monday, December 19, 2011
Uh, Heeelllooo????
Well, here I am again. So sorry to have left you for so long, but I just haven't been able to get back into the blog swing of things again. I think that I am ready to get back to it now though; I have missed it so and have found myself narrating blogs in my head. I figured I should start getting them in writing again.
Not much has changed, yet everything has changed. Does that make sense? I left Montana 15 months ago; it seems like yesterday. It seems like forever ago. I will always miss Montana, but I don't regret coming back to my family out here.
Here is a basic rundown of the haps:
- Looking for work
- Feeding seven (7) animals every day, twice a day. Five kitties (Ethel, Barnes, Teddy, Muffin, and Gus-Gus), and two dogs (Luka and Bruiser). Yes, we have a cat named after a mouse. We don't think he gets the irony.
- Looking for work
- Looking for work
- Did mention walking Bruiser (Luka takes care of herself) and scooping five (5) kitty litter boxes everyday? Well, consider it mentioned.
- Still looking for work.
- Visiting Mom.
- Mom has surgery to repair a second hernia in her abdomen in November.
- I babysat my 4-year-old great-niece for 10 days last December. I went from living like a hermit for 10 years to babysitting a precocious, yet precious, and did I mention very active 4-year-old. It was exhausting. It was awesome.
- STILL looking for work
- Had a kidney stone in June. So far it was the easiest one I've had, but it still left me with a $1500 emergency room bill. And that was after the $500 discount they gave me for not having any medical insurance. Woot!
- Did have a temp job for a couple of weeks doing data entry from 4pm to 3am down in Portland. It paid pretty well but I just could not deal with the hours and the working conditions. Plus, I had to stay at Mom's from Tuesday after work until Saturday Noon; then I could run home here to the house for Saturday evening til Monday Noon when I had to drive back down to start again. It was literally killing me, and the family staged an intervention to get me to quit. I was grateful, but back to being broke. Sigh...
- Back to looking for work
- Mom had surgery in August to remove all the mesh in her abdomen that was put in from her two hernia surgeries. She never really recovered from the one in November; her incision just would not heal and it kept abscessing. She was extremely uncomfortable and had zero quality of life. She recovered quickly from this surgery and is doing just great now. She is completely back to her old self again.
- Still looking for BLOODY WORK.
- In September, the reason why I moved back here raised it's head. My brother-in-law, Les, was on the road in the middle of TX when he became ill. He has been having a lot of trouble with his urinary system over the last year - lots of bladder infections, etc. We convinced him to go to the ER out there at the nearest hospital. To make the long story short, they found he has bladder cancer. He was in the right place at the right time, as the hospital he wound up at actually is the leading expert on bladder cancer in that area. They went in and debulked the tumor and my sister drove out and brought him home. He has since had two more surgeries up at the Oregon Health Sciences University (OHSU) in Portland, and tomorrow goes back in to have his bladder and prostate removed. His prognosis is really good considering he has a very aggressive type of cancer; he will have to pee into a bag for the rest of his life, but the important thing is that he will have a rest of his life. He has not been working since he got ill in September, and we are doing the best we can getting by on Sis's part-time (yet well paying) job and Mom's VISA card.
- The animal count went UP one in October when we adopted a handi-pawed (awwww) Doxie named Monty. He was unceremoniously dumped at a vet in Idaho when his owners allowed him to severely injure his back. When they discovered the extent of his injuries, they discovered they didn't want him back. Sis found him online and he now has a very happy home here with us. I started a new blog about him, and you can read about him here.
- Last month I found a great staffing service out in Longview, WA and signed up with them. I got a job two weeks ago with Longview Fibre and have an 85 mile round trip commute that uses a full quarter tank of gas every day. But I like the people I work with and hope to get hired on there as a LF employee. Oh please, oh please, oh PLEASE! I am gone from 6:30am to 6:30pm and right now I. Am. Tired. All. The. Time. But, I will get used to it, and I have to climb a flight of stairs at least four times a day, so I am hoping to have smaller hips at some point as well.
- As this is a weight loss blog, perhaps I should mention that I have lost 4.6 lbs in the last week. I still need to update stuff on this blog, but I'll let you know that my current weight is 324. I have lost and gained back about 150 lbs since my last post; unfortunately it's the same 5 lbs over and over again. Sighhhhh....
Well, that is pretty much the last 15 months in a nutshell. I promise to get better about the blogging, but it might be a little spotty right now. Thanks to my followers that haven't given up on me!
Sunday, September 26, 2010
I'm still here; but now I'm HERE instead of THERE.
Just wanted to toss out a quick note to let you all know that I made it safely to my new home in Washington. I'll be posting more later, but I just wanted to let you all know that I haven't forgotten about you, and I'll be back soon! Hurrah!
TTFN.
TTFN.
Wednesday, August 18, 2010
A Herd of Turtles
From the movie Jurassic Park:
Dr. Ian Malcolm: [Ian Malcolm leans to face camera in electric tour car when the T-Rex doesn't appear] Now eventually you might have dinosaurs on your, on your dinosaur tour, right? Hello?
Dr. Ian Malcolm: [he taps the camera lens and breathes on it] Yes?
John Hammond: [John Hammond watches the camera feed with his face in his hands] I really do hate that man.
That is how I feel about this blog.
Blog reader: [blog reader leans to face computer monitor when no progress is being reported on blog] Now eventually you might have weight loss on your, on your weight loss blog, right? Hello?
Blog reader: [taps the computer monitor and shakes fist at it] Yes?
Me, the blog writer: I really do hate myself.
The other day I weighed myself for the first time in weeks. It said 337. I stared in disbelief for a few seconds, swore loudly, and was depressed for the rest of the day. That is my highest recorded weight ever.
What the hell is wrong with me?
I’m killing myself here. Literally. My weight is slowly creeping towards the 350 mark when it should be slowly creeping towards the 300 mark. My right hip hurts so bad that it’s making me turn my right foot out at an odd angle when I walk. I won’t even go into the pain in my left ankle. I can barely get around at this point. What is it going to take for me to realize that doing nothing doesn’t work? I cannot wish this weight away. I have to actually DO SOMETHING. ANYTHING at this point would be a good thing. I can talk and talk and talk, but that does not burn any calories and amounts to a whole hill of beans.
I keep thinking that when I get this move over with and I am back with my sister, I will do better. But if I don’t do something NOW, I may not make it there. I am really scared that my body is going to go into all out shut down mode and I will be royally screwed. I don’t want that to be my turning point. I don’t want to go into kidney failure because I have eaten myself into a diabetic coma. I don’t want to have a stroke or a heart attack. I don’t want to have to use recovery from something like that to motivate me to get better.
I read so many inspiring weight loss blogs. Miss Bitch Cakes made her goal weight last week and she looks and is awesome. I cried and cried as I read her blog entry about reaching her goal; I was so happy for her, and I was also so very envious. I know that Tony over at The Anti-Jared would tell me to get up, quit feeling sorry for myself, and just DO IT. He lost over 200 lbs! That is what I need to do, but I just can’t seem to take those first faltering steps. Why? What is holding me back? I don’t know. I just don’t know.
So, last week I joined SparkPeople.com. It reminds me a lot of the Weight Watchers online set up, but this is FREE. I am so broke that I can’t afford the $16.95 a month that WW charges, and if you’ve read this blog at all then you know how I feel about having to pay for help to lose weight. I like tracking all of my info, and I know that journaling is a significant tool in losing weight. My biggest problem is that I have a love/hate relationship with journaling everything. I love to track it; I am an obsessive list maker, and I love charts, etc., so that is right up my alley. I hate trying to figure out how many calories, grams of fat, carbs, etc. is in everything – especially when the information is not written right on the side of whatever it is I’m eating. I find that I eat even more processed foods and fast food simply because it is easier to find the nutritional info than on something I made from scratch at home. Sad. Really, just sad. But, there are some really great tools on the website and some good, if not run-of-the-mill, information as well. I like that there are message boards where you can talk to people (I’m great at that), etc. And just so you know, I was not asked to review the website or anything; it’s just my observations.
Mom is coming out on Saturday to help me get packed up for the big move, and I think she will be very disappointed to see that not only have I not lost weight in the year since we have seen each other, I have actually gained and have not been physically able to be as ready for her arrival as I had planned. Sigh… I won’t be able to blog or track my progress on SP for about two weeks until I get my computer set up in my new space; right now I am using my computer at work (shhhh) to do it all since I haven’t had internet access at home for a few weeks. But Sis signed up for high speed internet through her satellite company and it’s being installed at her house today! YAY!! She has been using dial up for all these years because they are waaaaaaaay out in the sticks; she will be an internet monster once this gets up and going for her!
So, that is the scoop for now. Wish me luck and please don’t give up on me. I want to help people and be inspirational, and I know that is not happening right now. But please know that I am aware, and I am trying really hard to change. Cheers, thanks a lot.
TTFN.
Dr. Ian Malcolm: [Ian Malcolm leans to face camera in electric tour car when the T-Rex doesn't appear] Now eventually you might have dinosaurs on your, on your dinosaur tour, right? Hello?
Dr. Ian Malcolm: [he taps the camera lens and breathes on it] Yes?
John Hammond: [John Hammond watches the camera feed with his face in his hands] I really do hate that man.
That is how I feel about this blog.
Blog reader: [blog reader leans to face computer monitor when no progress is being reported on blog] Now eventually you might have weight loss on your, on your weight loss blog, right? Hello?
Blog reader: [taps the computer monitor and shakes fist at it] Yes?
Me, the blog writer: I really do hate myself.
The other day I weighed myself for the first time in weeks. It said 337. I stared in disbelief for a few seconds, swore loudly, and was depressed for the rest of the day. That is my highest recorded weight ever.
What the hell is wrong with me?
I’m killing myself here. Literally. My weight is slowly creeping towards the 350 mark when it should be slowly creeping towards the 300 mark. My right hip hurts so bad that it’s making me turn my right foot out at an odd angle when I walk. I won’t even go into the pain in my left ankle. I can barely get around at this point. What is it going to take for me to realize that doing nothing doesn’t work? I cannot wish this weight away. I have to actually DO SOMETHING. ANYTHING at this point would be a good thing. I can talk and talk and talk, but that does not burn any calories and amounts to a whole hill of beans.
I keep thinking that when I get this move over with and I am back with my sister, I will do better. But if I don’t do something NOW, I may not make it there. I am really scared that my body is going to go into all out shut down mode and I will be royally screwed. I don’t want that to be my turning point. I don’t want to go into kidney failure because I have eaten myself into a diabetic coma. I don’t want to have a stroke or a heart attack. I don’t want to have to use recovery from something like that to motivate me to get better.
I read so many inspiring weight loss blogs. Miss Bitch Cakes made her goal weight last week and she looks and is awesome. I cried and cried as I read her blog entry about reaching her goal; I was so happy for her, and I was also so very envious. I know that Tony over at The Anti-Jared would tell me to get up, quit feeling sorry for myself, and just DO IT. He lost over 200 lbs! That is what I need to do, but I just can’t seem to take those first faltering steps. Why? What is holding me back? I don’t know. I just don’t know.
So, last week I joined SparkPeople.com. It reminds me a lot of the Weight Watchers online set up, but this is FREE. I am so broke that I can’t afford the $16.95 a month that WW charges, and if you’ve read this blog at all then you know how I feel about having to pay for help to lose weight. I like tracking all of my info, and I know that journaling is a significant tool in losing weight. My biggest problem is that I have a love/hate relationship with journaling everything. I love to track it; I am an obsessive list maker, and I love charts, etc., so that is right up my alley. I hate trying to figure out how many calories, grams of fat, carbs, etc. is in everything – especially when the information is not written right on the side of whatever it is I’m eating. I find that I eat even more processed foods and fast food simply because it is easier to find the nutritional info than on something I made from scratch at home. Sad. Really, just sad. But, there are some really great tools on the website and some good, if not run-of-the-mill, information as well. I like that there are message boards where you can talk to people (I’m great at that), etc. And just so you know, I was not asked to review the website or anything; it’s just my observations.
Mom is coming out on Saturday to help me get packed up for the big move, and I think she will be very disappointed to see that not only have I not lost weight in the year since we have seen each other, I have actually gained and have not been physically able to be as ready for her arrival as I had planned. Sigh… I won’t be able to blog or track my progress on SP for about two weeks until I get my computer set up in my new space; right now I am using my computer at work (shhhh) to do it all since I haven’t had internet access at home for a few weeks. But Sis signed up for high speed internet through her satellite company and it’s being installed at her house today! YAY!! She has been using dial up for all these years because they are waaaaaaaay out in the sticks; she will be an internet monster once this gets up and going for her!
So, that is the scoop for now. Wish me luck and please don’t give up on me. I want to help people and be inspirational, and I know that is not happening right now. But please know that I am aware, and I am trying really hard to change. Cheers, thanks a lot.
TTFN.
Friday, July 30, 2010
Insanity thy name is me...
Wow – I had not realized how long it has been since I last posted. Sorry about that! My life is in kind of a holding pattern right now, and unfortunately that makes everything lock up; my brain, my body – everything.
Albert Einstein once said "The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results".
I am definitely insane.
During these weeks that I have not posted, I have been eating fast-food and grocery store deli stuff almost exclusively. I haven’t really been exercising (well, a little), and I have not been weighing myself. What is the point? I have been doing all of that for years and years and it has not led to weight loss yet. But I keep doing it over and over, each time expecting that maybe THIS time, it will be different.
Insane.
I have been walking a little more. My friend, Katina, and I have decided that we have just got to get the bodies in motion. So I have been driving over to her neighborhood after work and we walk there. It’s a lovely older neighborhood with lots of shade on the sidewalks.
Problem #1: I am so out of shape that I can barely walk a quarter mile. I use my Nordic walking poles, and if it wasn’t for them I wouldn’t be able to walk 50 feet. We started out at a half mile, but the first time we did it, it took a half hour because I had to keep stopping. My back muscles that run from the top of my butt up towards my ribcage, on either side of my spine, are just ON FIRE. I think they go into some sort of spasm, and I have to stop and bend over and stretch like I’m touching my toes. The second time we did the half mile, I wanted to get down on my hands and knees and crawl the last 30 feet. I take 800mg of Advil about 45 minutes before we walk and I am pretty sure it helps, but Lord Almighty it doesn’t help enough. The third time we met to walk I told her that it was just too much for me. We dropped it to the quarter mile and that helped a lot, but I have to stop at least three times to stretch. We stretch before we walk but I’m still in agony by the end. No pain, no gain, right? Crap. Katina is very patient and kind to me for making her walk so slowly for such a short period of time; she goes ahead and walks another 2 miles after I leave her.
Problem #2: It’s frickin’ bloody hot. It’s the time of year that we hit our really unbearably hot streak; we’ve been lucky in that – like most of the country - our weather has been a little off and so the hot streak took a while to get going. But mercy, it is gaining momentum for sure. It’s been in the mid 90’s all week, and by the middle of August it will be in the 100’s. That usually only lasts for a week (the week of the state fair, of course) and then it gets “cooler” – mid 90’s again for a while. I don’t do heat. Neither does Katina. We are both prone to heat stroke, so we ain’t walking when it’s 95 degrees at 8pm. Not gonna happen.
But we are doing our best. We might start walking at the mall since it’s indoors and air conditioned, but frankly I’d rather have a root canal and a pelvic exam. I hate walking at the mall, especially ours. It’s so small and crowded! Yeah, yeah, poor me, boo hoo.
I haven’t been weighing myself because there really isn’t any point; and I think the batteries are going to die any day now. One day my weight fluxed by 8lbs overnight. That can’t be right, can it? I mean I know water retention and release can count for some significant weight, but 8lbs in one day? I don’t think so. So it is now living under the bathroom sink until I pack it for the trip to Washington and its new life in my sister’s back bathroom.
The move is still on; mom is coming the week of 8/23 to help me pack. It’s kind of sad and humiliating when you are 43 and you need your 74 year old mother to fly out and help you pack, but let me tell ya: she is a packing machine. That woman can have me and my 2-bedroom duplex packed and move ready in about three days. Seriously. I will want to suffocate her in her sleep by the time she leaves, but it will be totally worth it. And this way she knows that all of her china and crystal stemware that she gave to me will be properly packed and she won’t have to worry about it. Because, trust me; she will.
So please bear with me as I tackle this latest hurtle in my life. I am currently without cable at home, so that means no TV and no Internet access. The no TV is weird but I’m getting used to it; hopefully I will use the down time that I usually spent on the couch watching TV and eating crap to do something constructive instead – like pack or clean the house before Mom arrives. My last day at work will be 8/31, so I won’t be able to post anything to my blogs after that until I get to my new home in Washington.
Everyone keep up the great work; I may not have been writing but I have been reading. Thanks to everyone that keeps encouraging me (Nancy @ntexas99 – good luck on your new blogging adventure!) and I promise that I will pick up where I leave off in August.
TTFN.
Albert Einstein once said "The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results".
I am definitely insane.
During these weeks that I have not posted, I have been eating fast-food and grocery store deli stuff almost exclusively. I haven’t really been exercising (well, a little), and I have not been weighing myself. What is the point? I have been doing all of that for years and years and it has not led to weight loss yet. But I keep doing it over and over, each time expecting that maybe THIS time, it will be different.
Insane.
I have been walking a little more. My friend, Katina, and I have decided that we have just got to get the bodies in motion. So I have been driving over to her neighborhood after work and we walk there. It’s a lovely older neighborhood with lots of shade on the sidewalks.
Problem #1: I am so out of shape that I can barely walk a quarter mile. I use my Nordic walking poles, and if it wasn’t for them I wouldn’t be able to walk 50 feet. We started out at a half mile, but the first time we did it, it took a half hour because I had to keep stopping. My back muscles that run from the top of my butt up towards my ribcage, on either side of my spine, are just ON FIRE. I think they go into some sort of spasm, and I have to stop and bend over and stretch like I’m touching my toes. The second time we did the half mile, I wanted to get down on my hands and knees and crawl the last 30 feet. I take 800mg of Advil about 45 minutes before we walk and I am pretty sure it helps, but Lord Almighty it doesn’t help enough. The third time we met to walk I told her that it was just too much for me. We dropped it to the quarter mile and that helped a lot, but I have to stop at least three times to stretch. We stretch before we walk but I’m still in agony by the end. No pain, no gain, right? Crap. Katina is very patient and kind to me for making her walk so slowly for such a short period of time; she goes ahead and walks another 2 miles after I leave her.
Problem #2: It’s frickin’ bloody hot. It’s the time of year that we hit our really unbearably hot streak; we’ve been lucky in that – like most of the country - our weather has been a little off and so the hot streak took a while to get going. But mercy, it is gaining momentum for sure. It’s been in the mid 90’s all week, and by the middle of August it will be in the 100’s. That usually only lasts for a week (the week of the state fair, of course) and then it gets “cooler” – mid 90’s again for a while. I don’t do heat. Neither does Katina. We are both prone to heat stroke, so we ain’t walking when it’s 95 degrees at 8pm. Not gonna happen.
But we are doing our best. We might start walking at the mall since it’s indoors and air conditioned, but frankly I’d rather have a root canal and a pelvic exam. I hate walking at the mall, especially ours. It’s so small and crowded! Yeah, yeah, poor me, boo hoo.
I haven’t been weighing myself because there really isn’t any point; and I think the batteries are going to die any day now. One day my weight fluxed by 8lbs overnight. That can’t be right, can it? I mean I know water retention and release can count for some significant weight, but 8lbs in one day? I don’t think so. So it is now living under the bathroom sink until I pack it for the trip to Washington and its new life in my sister’s back bathroom.
The move is still on; mom is coming the week of 8/23 to help me pack. It’s kind of sad and humiliating when you are 43 and you need your 74 year old mother to fly out and help you pack, but let me tell ya: she is a packing machine. That woman can have me and my 2-bedroom duplex packed and move ready in about three days. Seriously. I will want to suffocate her in her sleep by the time she leaves, but it will be totally worth it. And this way she knows that all of her china and crystal stemware that she gave to me will be properly packed and she won’t have to worry about it. Because, trust me; she will.
So please bear with me as I tackle this latest hurtle in my life. I am currently without cable at home, so that means no TV and no Internet access. The no TV is weird but I’m getting used to it; hopefully I will use the down time that I usually spent on the couch watching TV and eating crap to do something constructive instead – like pack or clean the house before Mom arrives. My last day at work will be 8/31, so I won’t be able to post anything to my blogs after that until I get to my new home in Washington.
Everyone keep up the great work; I may not have been writing but I have been reading. Thanks to everyone that keeps encouraging me (Nancy @ntexas99 – good luck on your new blogging adventure!) and I promise that I will pick up where I leave off in August.
TTFN.
Wednesday, July 7, 2010
French, Turds, Frogs and Foreheads (it’s not what you think)
Yesterday I got to do something I had been waiting my entire life for.
I answered the phone and a very nice lady was asking for someone in French. I replied in English that I thought she dialed the wrong number. She said something else in French and I again told her in English that she had the wrong number. She then tried saying something else, and I gathered myself together and, in perfect French, said, “Je ne parlez pas Francais.” (I do not speak French).
**sound of French crickets in the background**
This of course led to a great number of French words from the lady on the other end of the phone. Apparently the fact that I told her that I do not speak French while actually speaking French threw her for a bit of a loop (perhaps she was accusing me of lying?).
Fortunately the word NO is the same in French and English, so I just kept saying NO until she gave up. I giggled all the rest of the day.
Finally, something from my school days that I could actually apply in real life!! Ask me how often I have used my mimeographing skills, or the geometry I struggled through, or my ability to quote Freud, or how often I have ever jotted down notes in shorthand. A heck of a lot less than I have whipped out my French, let me tell you.
I took two French classes in school; my first one was in the eighth grade. Our French teacher was a very proper and beautiful real live 100% Frenchwoman. From Paris. On our first day of class she taught us all the swear words she knew. We thought she was wonderful. My second French class was as a senior in high school. I can still remember a few phrases, like: My name is Heather. It is eight o’clock (I can say any time up to ten; I can’t remember how to say eleven or twelve.) I am a yellow pencil. (I can’t remember how to say I have, but you never know when saying I am might come in handy.)
**********************************************************
While writing this post, my sister sent me an email about her day today. She doesn’t think that she has any writing skills; I beg to differ. Here is what happened, in her own words (please note that Miss Muffin is a lovely young Rag Doll cat):
You missed 2 rodeos this morning. First one, Miss Muffin apparently had some sort of lady's room issues and found herself with icky sumpin sumpins stuck to her behind. To rid her pretty self of them, she scooted all over the wash room, (guess which room I'll be mopping when it cools off), then dropped 3 turds on the red rug. I didn't see them and managed to step on one of them. Went on a turd hunt and found the other 2. She still had one hanging off her hiney, so I caught her and attempted to remove it with a paper towel. She escaped, with the paper towel still stuck to her and she freaked out! Chased her all over the house, finally got her and held her on her side while snipping off the offending towel and turd with the other! She then retired to the love seat and proceeded to give her self a bath and rearrange her nether regions.
Rodeo number 2, I was minding my own business, watering my front yard flower pots and porch - trying to put the last adventure behind me, er so to speak, when a froggie jumped out of the plant I was watering, landed on my watering can then jumping onto my forehead and then to some other plant behind me. I don't know which one because I was busy screaming and pouring all the rest of the water out of my watering can all over the porch and myself. It cooled me off anyway... See what you're missing?
Couldn’t have written that better myself. Please excuse me, as I now have to go clean up all the root beer I spit everywhere.
TTFN.
I answered the phone and a very nice lady was asking for someone in French. I replied in English that I thought she dialed the wrong number. She said something else in French and I again told her in English that she had the wrong number. She then tried saying something else, and I gathered myself together and, in perfect French, said, “Je ne parlez pas Francais.” (I do not speak French).
**sound of French crickets in the background**
This of course led to a great number of French words from the lady on the other end of the phone. Apparently the fact that I told her that I do not speak French while actually speaking French threw her for a bit of a loop (perhaps she was accusing me of lying?).
Fortunately the word NO is the same in French and English, so I just kept saying NO until she gave up. I giggled all the rest of the day.
Finally, something from my school days that I could actually apply in real life!! Ask me how often I have used my mimeographing skills, or the geometry I struggled through, or my ability to quote Freud, or how often I have ever jotted down notes in shorthand. A heck of a lot less than I have whipped out my French, let me tell you.
I took two French classes in school; my first one was in the eighth grade. Our French teacher was a very proper and beautiful real live 100% Frenchwoman. From Paris. On our first day of class she taught us all the swear words she knew. We thought she was wonderful. My second French class was as a senior in high school. I can still remember a few phrases, like: My name is Heather. It is eight o’clock (I can say any time up to ten; I can’t remember how to say eleven or twelve.) I am a yellow pencil. (I can’t remember how to say I have, but you never know when saying I am might come in handy.)
**********************************************************
While writing this post, my sister sent me an email about her day today. She doesn’t think that she has any writing skills; I beg to differ. Here is what happened, in her own words (please note that Miss Muffin is a lovely young Rag Doll cat):
You missed 2 rodeos this morning. First one, Miss Muffin apparently had some sort of lady's room issues and found herself with icky sumpin sumpins stuck to her behind. To rid her pretty self of them, she scooted all over the wash room, (guess which room I'll be mopping when it cools off), then dropped 3 turds on the red rug. I didn't see them and managed to step on one of them. Went on a turd hunt and found the other 2. She still had one hanging off her hiney, so I caught her and attempted to remove it with a paper towel. She escaped, with the paper towel still stuck to her and she freaked out! Chased her all over the house, finally got her and held her on her side while snipping off the offending towel and turd with the other! She then retired to the love seat and proceeded to give her self a bath and rearrange her nether regions.
Rodeo number 2, I was minding my own business, watering my front yard flower pots and porch - trying to put the last adventure behind me, er so to speak, when a froggie jumped out of the plant I was watering, landed on my watering can then jumping onto my forehead and then to some other plant behind me. I don't know which one because I was busy screaming and pouring all the rest of the water out of my watering can all over the porch and myself. It cooled me off anyway... See what you're missing?
Couldn’t have written that better myself. Please excuse me, as I now have to go clean up all the root beer I spit everywhere.
TTFN.
Monday, June 28, 2010
So Far, So Good, So Shut Up
First things first: Congrats to Gilly over at something, something, something, Fat Chick for hitting – and surpassing – her goal of 70lbs! Woo hoo!! You go girl!! I am really proud of her for accomplishing this goal. I can’t imagine how great she must feel, but I hope to experience it for myself!
Despite my melt down a few days ago, I still managed to pull off a loss and I am really happy about that. I am now past 10% of my goal, and on my weight loss thermometer I have moved out of FROZEN and into VERY COLD! I love being able to take my red pen and fill in those pounds lost.
Normally this is the point where I start to unravel. I get a little success under my belt, I tell a few people about it, then my brain shuts off and my mouth opens and all the crap starts filling me back up.
I am determined not to do that to myself this week.
I am going to keep going with the “one day at a time” cliché that really works. I will only worry about today; making sure I make the best food choices that I can (and I packed my lunch today – yay me) and drink as much water as I can and move my body when I can. I worked in the yard a little bit yesterday, pulling all the weeds along the fence that borders the sidewalk in the front yard. It was starting to resemble the Amazon jungle out there, and it made me wince every time I came home from work. It wasn’t really that strenuous; I just sat on the ground and pulled everything within reach, then moved down the line as needed. That’s it. This morning, my legs and back are as stiff and sore as if I’d done some Jazz-ercise or something! But I will take that stiffness and channel it as a success. If I hadn’t used the muscles more than normal, then they wouldn’t be sore, right? Right. Now I just need to get up the gumption to mow the lawn. Yuck.
So, as Red Green says, “Keep your stick on the ice.”
TTFN.
Despite my melt down a few days ago, I still managed to pull off a loss and I am really happy about that. I am now past 10% of my goal, and on my weight loss thermometer I have moved out of FROZEN and into VERY COLD! I love being able to take my red pen and fill in those pounds lost.
Normally this is the point where I start to unravel. I get a little success under my belt, I tell a few people about it, then my brain shuts off and my mouth opens and all the crap starts filling me back up.
I am determined not to do that to myself this week.
I am going to keep going with the “one day at a time” cliché that really works. I will only worry about today; making sure I make the best food choices that I can (and I packed my lunch today – yay me) and drink as much water as I can and move my body when I can. I worked in the yard a little bit yesterday, pulling all the weeds along the fence that borders the sidewalk in the front yard. It was starting to resemble the Amazon jungle out there, and it made me wince every time I came home from work. It wasn’t really that strenuous; I just sat on the ground and pulled everything within reach, then moved down the line as needed. That’s it. This morning, my legs and back are as stiff and sore as if I’d done some Jazz-ercise or something! But I will take that stiffness and channel it as a success. If I hadn’t used the muscles more than normal, then they wouldn’t be sore, right? Right. Now I just need to get up the gumption to mow the lawn. Yuck.
So, as Red Green says, “Keep your stick on the ice.”
TTFN.
Saturday, June 26, 2010
We Now Return To Your Regularly Scheduled Broadcast
Sorry about yesterday.
Today is a new day. I have gathered myself together and am moving on.
I have issues. I realize that. The incident yesterday shows that I still have far to go on this journey, and that I still have things that I need to figure out.
I need to find a more constructive way to deal with my feelings of anger, regret, self-loathing and self-pity. Oh, that self-pity is a real favorite of mine. Why do I have to resort to food when I hit an emotional brick wall? Why can't I do pilates or drop and do crunches until I puke? Dunno. Yet.
So, today is a re-grouping day. I am off to get dressed and put on the dancing tunes. I have already loaded up my 5-CD player on the big living room stereo with ABBA's greatest hits, Lady Gaga, the soundtrack to Once Upon A Time In Mexico, and two dance club CDs and I'm off to dance my blues away. Even though it is kind of drizzly outside, I am going to open every window in the house to let in the fresh air. I think it will help me blow some of these nonconstructive cobwebs from my brain. I also hope to get outside today and pull weeds around the yard; it's staring to look like a jungle out there and I hate that.
TTFN.
Today is a new day. I have gathered myself together and am moving on.
I have issues. I realize that. The incident yesterday shows that I still have far to go on this journey, and that I still have things that I need to figure out.
I need to find a more constructive way to deal with my feelings of anger, regret, self-loathing and self-pity. Oh, that self-pity is a real favorite of mine. Why do I have to resort to food when I hit an emotional brick wall? Why can't I do pilates or drop and do crunches until I puke? Dunno. Yet.
So, today is a re-grouping day. I am off to get dressed and put on the dancing tunes. I have already loaded up my 5-CD player on the big living room stereo with ABBA's greatest hits, Lady Gaga, the soundtrack to Once Upon A Time In Mexico, and two dance club CDs and I'm off to dance my blues away. Even though it is kind of drizzly outside, I am going to open every window in the house to let in the fresh air. I think it will help me blow some of these nonconstructive cobwebs from my brain. I also hope to get outside today and pull weeds around the yard; it's staring to look like a jungle out there and I hate that.
TTFN.
Friday, June 25, 2010
Weak
So, there I was, looking forward to a nice Friday night at home again, as usual. I really want pizza but I'm holding my own quite nicely, thankyouveddymuch.
And there it was.
On FaceBook.
Two tons of salt rubbed into an old wound that has never healed (or been allowed to heal). No one did it purposely; it was something innocent and nothing to every other living being on the planet, but to me...it was a reminder:
HEY! REMEMBER THAT THING THAT YOU CAN'T GET OVER THAT YOU TRY REALLY HARD NOT TO THINK ABOUT EVERY FRICKIN DAY OF YOUR LIFE THAT HAPPENED 25 YEARS AGO THAT YOU CANNOT FOR THE LIFE OF YOU LET GO?
HAVE YOU FORGOTTEN?
WEEELLLL...HEEEEEEEERE'S JOHNNY!!
And I logged on and went straight for the pizza.
I cried while ordered it.
I wept while I ate it.
I didn't enjoy it.
I hate my life.
I hate myself.
I am going to bed before I do any further damage.
And there it was.
On FaceBook.
Two tons of salt rubbed into an old wound that has never healed (or been allowed to heal). No one did it purposely; it was something innocent and nothing to every other living being on the planet, but to me...it was a reminder:
HEY! REMEMBER THAT THING THAT YOU CAN'T GET OVER THAT YOU TRY REALLY HARD NOT TO THINK ABOUT EVERY FRICKIN DAY OF YOUR LIFE THAT HAPPENED 25 YEARS AGO THAT YOU CANNOT FOR THE LIFE OF YOU LET GO?
HAVE YOU FORGOTTEN?
WEEELLLL...HEEEEEEEERE'S JOHNNY!!
And I logged on and went straight for the pizza.
I cried while ordered it.
I wept while I ate it.
I didn't enjoy it.
I hate my life.
I hate myself.
I am going to bed before I do any further damage.
Wednesday, June 23, 2010
And Now For Something Completely the Same
Well, we are all pretty much recovered from our tornado on Sunday. The community is working together to get things cleaned up, which is really good for morale. I love to see people come together to help out in times of crisis. It renews my faith in the basic goodness of people.
Now, onto the topic at hand: weight loss, weight loss, weight loss. I’m still plugging away and crossing my fingers for another loss on weigh-in day. I caved in to my screaming desire for cake last night on my way home from work and purchased a (very large) “single” cake slice and fully intended to eat it after dinner. It is cherry cake, with lovely sugary pink cherry icing – one of my favorites.
I realized at 10:15 this morning, at my desk at work, that I had forgotten all about it last night and it is still sitting in the grocery bag in the kitchen at home.
SCORE!
Now the challenge is to see how long I can let it sit there before actually eating it. Or whatever.
New topic (sort of). On Deceiver.com, there is a post about The Biggest Loser (you can read the post and comments here). I have made my feelings known about TBL and how I don’t really think it’s healthy for the body, mind or spirit; and I have also said that if given a chance to be on the show, I would probably still do it. I know that is a total contradiction, but I guess that I am probably one of the key targets that this show is aimed at. I know it’s unhealthy to lose massive amounts of weight in a short period of time; I have read the studies that say that if you lose it slowly and regularly, you have a much better chance of keeping it off and not regaining; but I also know that we live in a society that is totally into instant gratification, and I am a HUGE fan of instant gratification (pun intended). Thus my addiction to fast food and all things deep fried, heavily processed, and all around unhealthy. And my love of seeing people drop massive amounts of weight in a very short period of time.
When I see commercials on TV for some product (pill, cream, diet shakes, work out plan) and the lovely size 2 woman declares in a voice befitting one that just won the lottery, “I lost eight pounds in six weeks!!”, it makes me spit my Coke Zero across the living room and burst into hysterical laughter. Wow – I wish I could be that excited about watching paint dry! Here’s my credit card – sign me up!
I know that losing the weight and maintaining a healthy life style will be something I will have to work at for the rest of my life, however long that may be. But, I don’t want to take six weeks to lose eight pounds (even though that is considered to be healthy at 1.33 pounds per week). I mean, that would be fine and dandy if all I needed to lose was eight frickin’ measly pounds. But I need to lose a minimum of 200 lbs. I want to lose eight pounds EVERY week. I also know that the heavier you are, the more you can actually expect to have weeks were you will lose more than the trust-us-it’s-healthier-this-way 2 lbs per week, and as you get closer and closer to your goal, that weight loss will slow down significantly.
But I digress. Sorta.
One thing I found interesting about the interview with the former TBL cast member was that she said that even though the show leads you to believe that only a week has gone by and that the number they put up as a loss is for 7 days, it isn’t always the truth. Apparently some of the “weeks” are longer than the 7 days we all assume the show is showing us. Bastards. I feel more than a little duped by that. And even though I know you can’t trust “reality” shows to be 100% real, I didn’t see that little deception coming. And it pisses me off.
I have never tried to model my weight loss plan off of TBL because I knew the results were impossible to achieve at home, unless you were independently wealthy, unmarried and childless. I know that the contestants spend 6-8 hours per day in the gym, and no one is going to be able to do that in real life, away from a rehab-like setting where people watch you 24/7. I don’t like the way they push people to the point of vomiting or nearly killing themselves by flying off the treadmill, only to be mocked and made fun of for it. I hate the blatant product placement and trying to make it seem like if you just chew this gum, it will help you lose weight! I also do not care for the scream-therapy that the trainers seem to be so fond of. Even Bob, who in the past was always so calm and sweet, has taken to following Jillian’s cue of belittling and screaming until frothy at the mouth, then hugging the person and trying to extract that break-through moment in “private” when they stomp out of the gym, vowing to quit and never return. Yes, that “private” moment when they are all mic’d for sound and have a guy with a 40lb camera on his shoulder in their face; hoping for that emotional memory of whatever it was that made them decide they weren’t worth anything, weren’t good enough, and had completely given up on themselves. I have not watched Jillian’s new show, and I never will. I would not want that woman in my home for any amount of money.
Hmmm…looking back over this post, I seem to have struck a nerve, no?
Anyhoo, I will continue to search for what works for me. You need to continue to search what works for you. I am not giving up hope that one day there will be a miracle pill that will let me wake up in a puddle of melted fat and miraculously turn me into a size 2; but in the meantime, I will have to work hard for those results.
Besides, if they ever did make that pill, I probably wouldn’t be able to afford it, and the aftermath would be a completely ruined mattress. Yuck.
TTFN.
Now, onto the topic at hand: weight loss, weight loss, weight loss. I’m still plugging away and crossing my fingers for another loss on weigh-in day. I caved in to my screaming desire for cake last night on my way home from work and purchased a (very large) “single” cake slice and fully intended to eat it after dinner. It is cherry cake, with lovely sugary pink cherry icing – one of my favorites.
I realized at 10:15 this morning, at my desk at work, that I had forgotten all about it last night and it is still sitting in the grocery bag in the kitchen at home.
SCORE!
Now the challenge is to see how long I can let it sit there before actually eating it. Or whatever.
New topic (sort of). On Deceiver.com, there is a post about The Biggest Loser (you can read the post and comments here). I have made my feelings known about TBL and how I don’t really think it’s healthy for the body, mind or spirit; and I have also said that if given a chance to be on the show, I would probably still do it. I know that is a total contradiction, but I guess that I am probably one of the key targets that this show is aimed at. I know it’s unhealthy to lose massive amounts of weight in a short period of time; I have read the studies that say that if you lose it slowly and regularly, you have a much better chance of keeping it off and not regaining; but I also know that we live in a society that is totally into instant gratification, and I am a HUGE fan of instant gratification (pun intended). Thus my addiction to fast food and all things deep fried, heavily processed, and all around unhealthy. And my love of seeing people drop massive amounts of weight in a very short period of time.
When I see commercials on TV for some product (pill, cream, diet shakes, work out plan) and the lovely size 2 woman declares in a voice befitting one that just won the lottery, “I lost eight pounds in six weeks!!”, it makes me spit my Coke Zero across the living room and burst into hysterical laughter. Wow – I wish I could be that excited about watching paint dry! Here’s my credit card – sign me up!
I know that losing the weight and maintaining a healthy life style will be something I will have to work at for the rest of my life, however long that may be. But, I don’t want to take six weeks to lose eight pounds (even though that is considered to be healthy at 1.33 pounds per week). I mean, that would be fine and dandy if all I needed to lose was eight frickin’ measly pounds. But I need to lose a minimum of 200 lbs. I want to lose eight pounds EVERY week. I also know that the heavier you are, the more you can actually expect to have weeks were you will lose more than the trust-us-it’s-healthier-this-way 2 lbs per week, and as you get closer and closer to your goal, that weight loss will slow down significantly.
But I digress. Sorta.
One thing I found interesting about the interview with the former TBL cast member was that she said that even though the show leads you to believe that only a week has gone by and that the number they put up as a loss is for 7 days, it isn’t always the truth. Apparently some of the “weeks” are longer than the 7 days we all assume the show is showing us. Bastards. I feel more than a little duped by that. And even though I know you can’t trust “reality” shows to be 100% real, I didn’t see that little deception coming. And it pisses me off.
I have never tried to model my weight loss plan off of TBL because I knew the results were impossible to achieve at home, unless you were independently wealthy, unmarried and childless. I know that the contestants spend 6-8 hours per day in the gym, and no one is going to be able to do that in real life, away from a rehab-like setting where people watch you 24/7. I don’t like the way they push people to the point of vomiting or nearly killing themselves by flying off the treadmill, only to be mocked and made fun of for it. I hate the blatant product placement and trying to make it seem like if you just chew this gum, it will help you lose weight! I also do not care for the scream-therapy that the trainers seem to be so fond of. Even Bob, who in the past was always so calm and sweet, has taken to following Jillian’s cue of belittling and screaming until frothy at the mouth, then hugging the person and trying to extract that break-through moment in “private” when they stomp out of the gym, vowing to quit and never return. Yes, that “private” moment when they are all mic’d for sound and have a guy with a 40lb camera on his shoulder in their face; hoping for that emotional memory of whatever it was that made them decide they weren’t worth anything, weren’t good enough, and had completely given up on themselves. I have not watched Jillian’s new show, and I never will. I would not want that woman in my home for any amount of money.
Hmmm…looking back over this post, I seem to have struck a nerve, no?
Anyhoo, I will continue to search for what works for me. You need to continue to search what works for you. I am not giving up hope that one day there will be a miracle pill that will let me wake up in a puddle of melted fat and miraculously turn me into a size 2; but in the meantime, I will have to work hard for those results.
Besides, if they ever did make that pill, I probably wouldn’t be able to afford it, and the aftermath would be a completely ruined mattress. Yuck.
TTFN.
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