Drugs or no drugs? What a question...

I am trying to decide if I want to start using the weight loss product Alli. Has anyone out there used it? I went to the website - www.myalli.com - and they have lots of information on there about how it works, etc. so I won't go into all of that here. You can check out the website for yourself if you are interested. It just makes me mad that I can't seem to do this on my own. I know my body will do it, but it's my mind that I cannot make behave!

Case in point - I went grocery shopping at Wally World last night. I meant to do it Monday night, but I had a coughing spell in the parking lot at work as I was leaving for the day and peed my pants. Yep; I was thrilled, I can assure you, and with the language I was using there was no hiding how thrilled I was about it. People in Columbus, OH could hear me. TMI? Oh well. That's just me - telling you stuff you would really just rather not know. But I digress. So, I had my little list of stuff to get; and that is a problem. The list is little and not specific, which leaves too much room for interpretation by my brain. BREAD could mean Asagio cheese rolls that go stale in a day so I will have to eat all six that come in the package tonight so that I won't be wasting my money, or it could mean thick slices of Potato bread that are 250 calories per slice and are full of preservatives, or it could be that dry whole wheat stuff that resembles cardboard that I keep buying and refuse to eat unless it is smothered in butter and cream cheese. FRUIT could be interpreted as frozen strawberries in sugar syrup, and TOILET PAPER could be interpreted as cheesecake. I don't sit down and make up a plan, or a menu if you will, of meals for the week and then shop appropriately. I have a tendency to just grab whatever happens to be in the house and make do. Which is usually a huge mistake. You know how you stand in the middle of your kitchen, hands on hips, and say, "We have a ton of food in the house but nothing to EAT!" It's kind of like that. I have lots of components, but I don't have the capability of pulling stuff together into a healthy meal. That is why I end up ordering pizza a lot - I don't necessarily want pizza, but someone will bring it to me and I don't have anything else in the house (or anything in the house that I currently want to eat). That is how I wind up sitting in my underwear watching South Park and eating pickles straight out of the jar. I try to have a variety of frozen entrees in the freezer - Smart Ones, Lean Cuisine, etc. - because apparently I am not capable of fixing myself a decent lunch either the night before or in the morning. This way I can just grab one of those and a can of fruit on my way out the door and call it good. The problem with that is sometimes, it's shocking I know, I don't want that for lunch once lunchtime rolls around. In order to eat this lunch, I have to stay at work. I hate being at work, and I don't get any breaks during the day, so this is my only opportunity to get the hell out of there and away from my desk (and some of my co-workers) for an hour. So that drives me to fast food. A lot. Seriously - a lot. And living in Billings, MT seriously limits your fast food options. There isn't a lot to choose from. And, from what I understand about Alli, if you eat a lot of fat in a meal, you get the Hershey squirts. Fabulous!!! Obviously, it is a side effect that helps to use negative reinforcement: Alli manufacturer - Oh dear, if someone eats a Big Mac and a large fries while using this product, they will have explosive diarrhea! Fellow Alli manufacturer - Well, maybe if it gives the fat bastard the shits, they will stop eating that crap.

So, I am still on the fence about using it. I know that I need to change my behavior - plan better, eat better, move my body - in order to affect change in myself. It's just very, very hard. I think that I just get so confused - count calories! No, don't count calories, just count carbs! No, don't count carbs, eat low fat! No, don't eat red meat! No, eat only red meat and pickles! And cabbage soup!! Read this book - it has all the answers! No, take this pill - it's all you need! No, have surgery! No, just run around the block every 30 seconds! And buy this piece of exercise equipment that is the same size and costs the same as a small car! No, join this gym and make outrageous payments every month for the rest of your life for the privilege of never going again after the first three days!!! I feel like I need to do it all and I just can't so I don't do anything. Besides, if I go to a gym or exercise outside I may actually have to interact with some other fellow human being - IN PERSON - and we just can't have that! Besides, it cuts into the gargantuan amount of time that I spend watching TV.

And that just won't do. Nope, it won't do at all.

TTFN.

I suck...

...at this. Well, let's be fair; obviously I am not trying very hard, so should I really say that I suck at it?

Yes.

EEERRRGGG!!!! What the hell is wrong with me??? Why can't I get going? Why can't I see that I am killing myself here? Why can't I care???

I want to scream and yell that I am trying, that nothing works; but it's not true. I'm not trying, and I don't understand why the hell not. I WANT to be thinner, I WANT to be healthier, I DON'T WANT to die an early weight-related death. I don't want to be "Big Auntie" any more; I want to be "Slim and Trim Auntie" instead. I want to be "Hiking and Biking, Iron Man Finisher Auntie", not "Come over and we'll order a pizza and watch a movie Auntie".

One of the sales reps I support always sends me cash at Christmas time every year. This year I went out and bought the original "Biggest Loser Workout" DVD. I bought it on Thursday; have I used it yet? No, but I plan to. I thought it would probably be the least "butt kicking" to start out with since it is the very first one they put out. We shall see.

I don't think anyone sent me any good diet vibes last week; please send some this week, and maybe a few workout vibes too. Please - I obviously need all the help I can get!

TTFN.

Going the wrong way!

Well, I gained a pound this week. I am trying not to be too disheartened; I went out to lunch with friends once this week and, to be perfectly honest, my heart just wasn't really in it. I know what I have to do, but I just...don't...wanna. Sigh. Not the best mind-set for weight loss, I'm afraid.

I have GOT to get with it; I want to lose at least 50 lbs before I have to move to Washington. Sissy says that it would be a good idea so that being on my feet and being physical during the move won't be so hard on me. She's right. Also, Saturday Ollie and I were supposed to go to the movies, but I had to bail on her because I was hit with really bad dizzy spells; she is concerned that it was my blood pressure spiking. She may have been right; I checked my blood sugar and it was right where it was supposed to be. I had them most of the day along with a bad headache - not migraine status, but close. I have GOT to start taking care of myself; why can't I see that?

Well, today is another day to make good choices. I didn't pack a lunch today (bad girl) because I have to run around at lunchtime getting some documents notorized, etc. I will troll the nutritional websites of the local fast food places and see if I can come up with a good lunch.

Please send me all of your fabulous weight-loss vibes!!

TTFN.

I missed my calling

Well, I am hanging in there this week; I haven't done fabulously well, but I had the potential to go fantastically out of control and I haven't.

Today I discovered a $125 Ebay debit card charge to my checking account that I sure as heck didn't make. Long story short, not a lot of cooperation from the bank, etc. on getting it straightened out. "Call Ebay, sort it out with them, if they don't help you, fill out these forms that need to be notarized." Well, Ebay was no help at all after talking with them via live online chat for four hours (their phones are not working today), etc. etc. etc. When I hurled myself out of the office at lunchtime, I just wanted to go eat the biggest, greasiest lunch I could get my hands on. But, I took a deep breath and told myself that doing that would not fix the problem with my checking account so it wasn't worth doing. I did go to Taco Bell - not the best choice but definitely not the worst - and had just one taco and the grilled chicken burrito. I wanted to order about 15 things off the menu, all with extra sour cream, but I didn't.

Most people would read that and think, "So what? Big deal. You still ate fast food and that is bad for you. You should have just had a salad." Bite me. You don't know me, so you don't have any clue how hard it was for me to do what I did. Maybe next time I will be strong enough to order the salad, or perhaps next time it won't even occur to me to try to calm myself down with food - ever think of that? Pfft.

I won't know until Monday if what I have done this week worked or not. I'm holding my breath. I am going to be watching football this weekend, as usual (go UofM Grizzlies!!). I look forward to the day when I will be able to stop comparing my height and weight to the guys that are playing. Do you know what it feels like to be a 5'2" tall woman and outweigh linebackers that are a foot taller than you by 100lbs? It sucks. I often times outweigh some centers too, and those guys are HUGE! I guess I missed my calling; maybe I was a NFL hopeful in another life.

TTFN.

Back in the saddle, again

Well, I haven't been blogging lately because I haven't been doing anything worth talking about. I'm sorry to all of you that were hoping to be inspired, or encouraged, when they saw this blog; hoping that you would be able to relate to someone who is struggling with the same things you are. I just haven't been trying; I've been spending a lot of time feeling sorry for myself, blaming everything under the sun for my problems, etc.

So, I am done with that and am ready to start again where I left off.

As punishment - or atonement, I'm not really sure which - I have taken some pictures to use as my "before" inspiration. They are horrible, no? Yes. They are. Which is the point. Sometimes I am very deep in denial (the complete absence of mirrors in my home is testament to that) I forget that I have a huge weight problem. It isn't until I see myself as others see me that I realize how big my problem is. No pun intended.

I dug out my Biggest Loser cookbook and am trying to follow their guidelines for nutrition; I am basing my total calories for the day on their formula of (your weight) x 7 = total calories for the day. If you weigh more than 300 lbs - like me - you use 300 as your weight; the same if you weigh less than 150 lbs - use 150 as your weight. I did well today, using only about 1905 of those calories. However, if you translate what I ate today into WW Points, I was over by about 14 points. It may not be quite that bad because I had to guess on the calorie content and WW Points values of two home made date cookies I had at work.

So, wish me luck, send me skinny vibes, etc. and I will keep going. I DON'T WANT TO LOOK LIKE THIS ANYMORE!!!!

TTFN.

Today is another new day...thank goodness!!

OK, let's try this again. A new day, a new clean slate, a new beginning to a continuation. (I think I just blew my own mind there for a moment!)



Managed to make myself a lunch this morning; it only took less than two minutes and didn't make me late for work (pfft to you, Harriet!).



8am - one Dannon Light & Fit yogurt, blueberry

Lunchtime - one Healthy Choice Fresh Mixers: Sesame Teriyaki Chicken w/rice - 380 cal, 6g fat, 69g carb (yikes), 13g protein; 1/2 cup lowfat cottage cheese, 1/2 cup fresh pineapple, one Jello Mousse in caramel (yum).



I will be honest again with my dinner selection tonight and will add it later.



The HCFM chicken meal was actually pretty good! I would probably buy it again, but it did give me burning tire poops about an hour after lunch. TMI? Tough.



I am not doing so great on the beverage side of things; I have a heart condition that includes an odd syndrome of not being able to detect thirst (may be a contributor to my weight issues, since I cannot distinguish thirst from hunger). I often go full 24 hour blocks of time without injesting any fluids at all. Not good. So, I think I will go fill up my stainless steel water bottle with the cool Chinese dragons on it and have some water. My throat is dry and I think that maybe, just maybe, I am thirsty this afternoon.

*****************
Well, I just can't figure myself out. Why can I do fine at work but when I get home I turn into some wild and crazy eating machine? Why? Why? Why???

I made myself a sandwich with Healthyloaf bread, mesquite grilled turkey breast and Havarti cheese; had one ounce (yes, I measured it on my food scale) of Doritos, and three mini dill pickles.

Then I had two more ounces of Doritos - I think; no, I didn't weigh this on the food scale.

Then I had a Butterfinger.

Then I had four chocolate covered graham crackers.

Well, at least most of the crap is out of the house now. I have four graham crackers left and then they are all gone.

Sheesh. I suck.

Food journal, etc. for Monday, 10-12-09

Well, here I go. The goal here is to be totally honest, no matter what.

Woke up late (as usual) this morning so I didn't get to pack the lunch I really wanted to. I was supposed to do it last night so that all I had to do was grab it and go, but no. I was too busy being very lazy yesterday; but I was determined this morning not to let it get me off track.

So far today I have consumed the following (will be added to throughout the day):

8am - one 6oz Dannon Light & Fit peach yogurt
80 cal, 0g fat, 16g carb, 5g protein

11am - still hungry, so I had one Quaker Instant oatmeal packet, Honey Nut
170 cal, 3.5g fat, 31g carb, 4g protein

For lunch, I had a Smart Ones frozen entree - baked chicken w/sour cream mashed potatoes; and one Jello Mousse cup, dark chocolate.

Beverages today:
48 oz water w/two Welches To Go Superfruit powdered drink packet
20 cal, og fat, o carb, o protein
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OK, like I said, honesty is the key here; so I am going to be honest. I was very proud of my accomplishments as I left work, but I was craving these wonderful cream cheese and shrimp won-tons that they make at Montana Jack's. Harriet (my critical conscience - see other blog) starts in with her propaganda: ooooooo, don't they sound good? Can't you smell them? Just go have some on your way home. Just have some clam chowder or something with them instead of a big meal. You can just lie on your blog, no one reads it anyway. You can just start your new blog tomorrow and no one will ever know. You can start eating better tomorrow; what is one more day?

I told her to SHUT UP and told myself to picture some things that I desire MORE than those cream cheese and shrimp won-tons. I started picturing myself healthy, slimmer, riding a bicycle through a park, etc. The craving went away! I won!!

When I got home I was very proud of myself for overcoming Harriet's suggestions. I planned to make myself a sandwich for dinner a little later.

Skip to "a little later" and me cramming BBQ chicken wings and cold pizza slices leftover from the night before into my mouth instead of throwing them away. Skip to me eating at least six large chocolate covered graham crackers and drinking milk straight from the carton. Skip to me crying and belittling myself while Harriet enjoys the Dolphins vs. Jets game.

I also drank a Fanta strawberry soda to take my nightly meds with, along with about eight Doritos because the pills were sticking in my throat.

Crap.

Another new chapter begins...finally!

I decided to make this new companion blog to keep track of my weight loss in a little more detailed manner. My other blog, Little Duplex on the Prairie, has everything in it; but this one will be dedicated to strictly weight loss related stuff. I will keep food journals here, track my weigh-ins here, maybe post a yummy receipe or two here. I will also post progress pictures here. Wish me luck!!