Well, I am down 15lbs so far. I figure I lost 8.5lbs from my feet and ankles, 3lbs from my face, 2.5lbs from my hair, and 1lb from my left elbow. My shoes fit better, but otherwise I can’t tell from how my clothes fit or by how I look that the weight is gone.
So. Not. Fair.
Be grateful, I tell myself. Others don’t notice, but you know you’ve done it.
Sod that, my other self answers. I want people to GASP with recognition that the weight has fallen off.
Fine. I guess that means that I’ll just have to keep going now, won’t it? At some point the weight loss will be obvious because I’ll have to buy new pants that don’t fall down, a new bra because the cups are too empty (oh, that’s a joy I SERIOUSLY look forward to!), and sexier tops because the back fat is fading away.
So, here I go, plodding away to the next victory: being below 310 again. All I have to do is lose another 15lbs; and the first just weren’t that painful.
I wasn’t journaling my food (vvv bad) because I got so frustrated with it. If it frustrates me too much, it will make me quit the whole she-bang. So, no more journaling. But I am keeping track to an extent. Truly.
I cut back on my serving sizes, especially when it came to the home-made meals. Instead of three or four heaping spoonfuls of mashed potatoes, just one semi-hefty one. Instead of eating until I feel I will burst or have a coronary episode, I ate until I was almost full, then rested my fork for a bit. I stopped eating handfuls of jelly beans to help my night-time pills go down. I drank a little more water, and took the stairs an extra time or two.
Huh, I guess that was just enough.
Onwards and upwards! Er…downwards! Hmphf. Doesn’t really have the same ring to it, does it?
Friday, March 23, 2012
Thursday, March 1, 2012
Frustration 101
Frustration and weight loss go hand in hand. Like peas and carrots; pancakes and syrup; Oreos and milk; uh…what was I talking about again? Oh, yeah, yeah, weight loss and frustration.
Today I’d like to talk about my frustration with tracking what I eat. Now, I am a compulsive list maker. Nothing makes me happier than writing down lists of stuff and things; I’m even happier if I can make an Excel spreadsheet to track the things I am listing.
Here is the frustrating part: due to my current lifestyle (read: lazy) I am often faced with eating foods that I have not weighed or measured myself. They still may be healthy choices, but they are not marked with how much the serving size is and there is no nutritional information given. Case in point: because I am not able to get up in time to make and eat breakfast at home, I will often grab something from the café that is on site here at the mill where I currently work. My favorite choice of late is vanilla low-fat yogurt with fresh blueberries. Yummy! I have a box of granola stashed in my desk, and I will add a ¼ cup to the yogurt for extra texture and crunch. The problem is that I can measure and record the nutritional information for the granola, but not the yogurt or berries. The container that they come in is not marked with how much is in the container (1 cup of yogurt, ½ cup berries??); and while I can look up the information on the berries online, I don’t know about the yogurt – what brand is it, etc. So, how much am I eating? How do I fill in the perfect little cells on my Excel spreadsheet with the information it so desires?
The other frustration with this is home-made food. Tuesday night we had tacos for dinner. They are served “family style”, which in our house means you help yourself from the pans on the stovetop. The beans were my sister’s home canned pinto beans; they were not fried or even refried. Just heated up in a saucepan and smashed to smithereens to the same texture. The hamburger was just regular hamburger browned with onions and spices in a non-stick pan. We like to pan fry corn tortillas in vegetable oil, and I use a few drops of bottled taco sauce, some sour cream, and a pinch of shredded Colby cheese to top it off. If I was the dedicated dieter that several people are, I would have at least measured/weighed each item so that I knew exactly how much I was eating. But when I am starving and dukeing it out with two big men and my equally starving sister to be sure I get anything at all, taking the time to do that doesn’t always occur to me. Not to mention that I currently do not have access to a food scale, nor do I have the funds to go purchase one at the moment. By the time it would have taken me to weigh everything while building my first taco, the rest of the food would be gone. Seriously. Although that would mean that I wouldn’t be able to stuff myself to the point of explosion, so maybe that wouldn’t be such a bad thing. But it’s just not my style, to be honest.
I think I am standing in my own way. The “it’s just not my style” in that last paragraph kinda directs the spotlight on a lot of my problems, doesn’t it? I guess that I really need to change my style, or else my style will be to wear gigantic muumuus and whine about how badly my back hurts all the time. That is not a cool style. I want my style to be pencil skirts and stiletto heels, biking down the Oregon coast or all around Mt. Rainier National Park (not in the pencil skirt and stiletto heels, though. More like a cool sports bra and {gasp} shorts). I want my style to be fun and spontaneous, not pre-planned to death so that I am not caught by surprise in some situation that will make me both physically and psychologically uncomfortable (air planes, amusement parks, anywhere I cannot wear full length pants, at least ¾ sleeves and tennis shoes which pretty much leaves out formal occasions and anywhere where the weather is more than 75 degrees).
I will have to commit to starting small. Get the damn food scale. Don’t eat stuff if I don’t know how much the serving size amounts to, and if I can’t get my hands on the nutritional info.
Any other suggestions?
Today I’d like to talk about my frustration with tracking what I eat. Now, I am a compulsive list maker. Nothing makes me happier than writing down lists of stuff and things; I’m even happier if I can make an Excel spreadsheet to track the things I am listing.
Here is the frustrating part: due to my current lifestyle (read: lazy) I am often faced with eating foods that I have not weighed or measured myself. They still may be healthy choices, but they are not marked with how much the serving size is and there is no nutritional information given. Case in point: because I am not able to get up in time to make and eat breakfast at home, I will often grab something from the café that is on site here at the mill where I currently work. My favorite choice of late is vanilla low-fat yogurt with fresh blueberries. Yummy! I have a box of granola stashed in my desk, and I will add a ¼ cup to the yogurt for extra texture and crunch. The problem is that I can measure and record the nutritional information for the granola, but not the yogurt or berries. The container that they come in is not marked with how much is in the container (1 cup of yogurt, ½ cup berries??); and while I can look up the information on the berries online, I don’t know about the yogurt – what brand is it, etc. So, how much am I eating? How do I fill in the perfect little cells on my Excel spreadsheet with the information it so desires?
The other frustration with this is home-made food. Tuesday night we had tacos for dinner. They are served “family style”, which in our house means you help yourself from the pans on the stovetop. The beans were my sister’s home canned pinto beans; they were not fried or even refried. Just heated up in a saucepan and smashed to smithereens to the same texture. The hamburger was just regular hamburger browned with onions and spices in a non-stick pan. We like to pan fry corn tortillas in vegetable oil, and I use a few drops of bottled taco sauce, some sour cream, and a pinch of shredded Colby cheese to top it off. If I was the dedicated dieter that several people are, I would have at least measured/weighed each item so that I knew exactly how much I was eating. But when I am starving and dukeing it out with two big men and my equally starving sister to be sure I get anything at all, taking the time to do that doesn’t always occur to me. Not to mention that I currently do not have access to a food scale, nor do I have the funds to go purchase one at the moment. By the time it would have taken me to weigh everything while building my first taco, the rest of the food would be gone. Seriously. Although that would mean that I wouldn’t be able to stuff myself to the point of explosion, so maybe that wouldn’t be such a bad thing. But it’s just not my style, to be honest.
I think I am standing in my own way. The “it’s just not my style” in that last paragraph kinda directs the spotlight on a lot of my problems, doesn’t it? I guess that I really need to change my style, or else my style will be to wear gigantic muumuus and whine about how badly my back hurts all the time. That is not a cool style. I want my style to be pencil skirts and stiletto heels, biking down the Oregon coast or all around Mt. Rainier National Park (not in the pencil skirt and stiletto heels, though. More like a cool sports bra and {gasp} shorts). I want my style to be fun and spontaneous, not pre-planned to death so that I am not caught by surprise in some situation that will make me both physically and psychologically uncomfortable (air planes, amusement parks, anywhere I cannot wear full length pants, at least ¾ sleeves and tennis shoes which pretty much leaves out formal occasions and anywhere where the weather is more than 75 degrees).
I will have to commit to starting small. Get the damn food scale. Don’t eat stuff if I don’t know how much the serving size amounts to, and if I can’t get my hands on the nutritional info.
Any other suggestions?
Monday, February 27, 2012
Today's word: humiliation
I know I said that I was going to blog more; I have to be careful what I say out loud (or in print) these days, I guess. Approximately two days after saying that, our internet was turned off. Ah, gotta love these financial times, eh? If you want to read about that, you can check out my whining on my other blog. We still don’t have internet access, but I have managed to find a way to get back onto my blog. So, without further adieu, here we go.
Today’s subject is: humiliation.
Last night I decided I would take a bath. I have not taken a bath in, oh – I don’t know – 10 years or more. I have also gained a substantial amount of weight since then. How much? I don’t know; just take my word for it. A lot, OK? I shower.
So I got out the cherry blossom bubble bath, the hazelnut scented candle, a back issue of InStyle magazine, and prepared for a nice treat. I have weather-induced migraines and had been suffering a lot this weekend; a nice, quiet, hot soak just sounded so lovely. As I stood in the steaming bubbly water, I realized that sitting down at foot (or floor) level is not very … erm … graceful for me. My thighs and calves are now so big that I cannot actually crouch down anymore. I finally determined that if I sat on the edge of the tub, held onto the grab bar that we have on the edge of the tub, and braced myself against the wall with my left hand, I could kind of slide into the water.
Silly me; I had forgotten Archimedes’ water displacement discovery. Shamu + lots of water with bubbles ÷ tub built for normal sized humans = not nearly the relaxing bath I had expected.
There was a virtual tsunami of water that flowed over the side of the tub, all over the bathroom floor, drowning my magazine, bathmat, and clothes.
Pffft.
So much for that. I realized that I couldn’t even lean back in the tub to relax because my morbidly obese ass had dammed up the water behind me so high that even turning around to look at it made more water flow over the side. CRAP!!! So after squirming around for about five minutes or so, trying to even out the water in front of me and behind me, I finally had to admit defeat. I sat still, listening to the water flow out of the tub via the overflow drain, thinking that now I will also have to mop the bathroom floor when I get out. Yay me.
I decided to get up and take a shower.
You know, you would think that the biggest enemy against a fat person trying to get out of a bathtub would be slipping, right? It’s not.
It’s suction.
Oh yes; my big fat lower half was wedged into the tub pretty well, yes indeedy-do. I then had a slight moment of panic (OK it was more like three minutes of intense panic): how the heck am I going to get back up and out of this tub? I am not able to pull myself into a crouch, as I mentioned before. I can’t put any pressure on my knees, at least not on hard surfaces, and the bottom of this tub ain’t made of marshmallow fluff. Normally I would holler for Sissy to come help me out of this jam, but she is 100 miles to the south at my mom’s house for the weekend. If I need help, there is just my 74-year-old brother-in-law that is recovering from major surgery, or his 70-year-old friend that is currently staying with us. So not an option. It’s up to me to get myself out of this pickle.
So I figured that I might, just might, be able to reverse the process that got me into the tub. I turned on my left side a bit to break the suction, grabbed that little plastic bar they put in tubs for you to hang your wash cloth on with my left hand, grabbed the grab bar on the right edge of the tub, stuffed a wash cloth under my left knee, and HEAVED. It took me three tries and I’m pretty sure I strained a groin muscle, but I managed to plonk myself back on the edge of the tub.
Yeah, that was the relaxing experience I had in mind.
Not.
After showering off the bubbles, blowing out the candle and mopping up the floor, I returned to my room and reflected. I sure wish there was some way I could just STOP EATING. Lately my weight has ballooned up to 340 lbs. I don’t get it. I recently got a job after being out of work for 15 months (during which time I had actually managed to lose 20 lbs by watching TV and walking the dog in the yard). I have to walk a minimum of 100-150 yards from the parking lot to my building, then climb a flight of stairs to my office. The bathroom lies at the bottom of these stairs, so I’m climbing them at least 5 times a day in addition to the walking. I’m not eating large meals, but I will be honest and say that I do eat quite a lot of sugar right before I go to bed. I take a bunch of pills that won’t seem to go down unless I eat a little sumpin’ sumpin’ afterwards, so it’s usually a handful (or four) of candy. But I kind of thought that the extra exercise would cancel that out? Apparently not.
I am so incredibly depressed about my weight. Sometimes I think, “Why bother?” I have so much weight to lose; I’m going to be 45 in a few weeks; I haven’t had a boyfriend since I was 17; what is the point? But then I think that I’m only half-way through this life (hopefully); maybe I could have a romantic relationship if I just lost the weight and gained some self-assurance and self respect; and I don’t really want to die at this weight from a massive coronary.
What I would really like is to get the lap band. I think that surgery is just my only option at this point, and I don’t want to Frankenstein my insides (no offence to those that have had gastric bypass). That option scares the dookey out of me. But I like the idea of the band because I’m not cutting apart and rearranging major organs, and not relying on malnutrition to make me thinner. I also like the idea that it is reversible if necessary. The only thing standing in my way? Remember why I haven’t been blogging? Right – no internet. Why? No money. Funnily enough, no money = no surgery.
Anyone know a surgeon willing to do it for free? Yes? Hello?
All I hear are crickets.
Today’s subject is: humiliation.
Last night I decided I would take a bath. I have not taken a bath in, oh – I don’t know – 10 years or more. I have also gained a substantial amount of weight since then. How much? I don’t know; just take my word for it. A lot, OK? I shower.
So I got out the cherry blossom bubble bath, the hazelnut scented candle, a back issue of InStyle magazine, and prepared for a nice treat. I have weather-induced migraines and had been suffering a lot this weekend; a nice, quiet, hot soak just sounded so lovely. As I stood in the steaming bubbly water, I realized that sitting down at foot (or floor) level is not very … erm … graceful for me. My thighs and calves are now so big that I cannot actually crouch down anymore. I finally determined that if I sat on the edge of the tub, held onto the grab bar that we have on the edge of the tub, and braced myself against the wall with my left hand, I could kind of slide into the water.
Silly me; I had forgotten Archimedes’ water displacement discovery. Shamu + lots of water with bubbles ÷ tub built for normal sized humans = not nearly the relaxing bath I had expected.
There was a virtual tsunami of water that flowed over the side of the tub, all over the bathroom floor, drowning my magazine, bathmat, and clothes.
Pffft.
So much for that. I realized that I couldn’t even lean back in the tub to relax because my morbidly obese ass had dammed up the water behind me so high that even turning around to look at it made more water flow over the side. CRAP!!! So after squirming around for about five minutes or so, trying to even out the water in front of me and behind me, I finally had to admit defeat. I sat still, listening to the water flow out of the tub via the overflow drain, thinking that now I will also have to mop the bathroom floor when I get out. Yay me.
I decided to get up and take a shower.
You know, you would think that the biggest enemy against a fat person trying to get out of a bathtub would be slipping, right? It’s not.
It’s suction.
Oh yes; my big fat lower half was wedged into the tub pretty well, yes indeedy-do. I then had a slight moment of panic (OK it was more like three minutes of intense panic): how the heck am I going to get back up and out of this tub? I am not able to pull myself into a crouch, as I mentioned before. I can’t put any pressure on my knees, at least not on hard surfaces, and the bottom of this tub ain’t made of marshmallow fluff. Normally I would holler for Sissy to come help me out of this jam, but she is 100 miles to the south at my mom’s house for the weekend. If I need help, there is just my 74-year-old brother-in-law that is recovering from major surgery, or his 70-year-old friend that is currently staying with us. So not an option. It’s up to me to get myself out of this pickle.
So I figured that I might, just might, be able to reverse the process that got me into the tub. I turned on my left side a bit to break the suction, grabbed that little plastic bar they put in tubs for you to hang your wash cloth on with my left hand, grabbed the grab bar on the right edge of the tub, stuffed a wash cloth under my left knee, and HEAVED. It took me three tries and I’m pretty sure I strained a groin muscle, but I managed to plonk myself back on the edge of the tub.
Yeah, that was the relaxing experience I had in mind.
Not.
After showering off the bubbles, blowing out the candle and mopping up the floor, I returned to my room and reflected. I sure wish there was some way I could just STOP EATING. Lately my weight has ballooned up to 340 lbs. I don’t get it. I recently got a job after being out of work for 15 months (during which time I had actually managed to lose 20 lbs by watching TV and walking the dog in the yard). I have to walk a minimum of 100-150 yards from the parking lot to my building, then climb a flight of stairs to my office. The bathroom lies at the bottom of these stairs, so I’m climbing them at least 5 times a day in addition to the walking. I’m not eating large meals, but I will be honest and say that I do eat quite a lot of sugar right before I go to bed. I take a bunch of pills that won’t seem to go down unless I eat a little sumpin’ sumpin’ afterwards, so it’s usually a handful (or four) of candy. But I kind of thought that the extra exercise would cancel that out? Apparently not.
I am so incredibly depressed about my weight. Sometimes I think, “Why bother?” I have so much weight to lose; I’m going to be 45 in a few weeks; I haven’t had a boyfriend since I was 17; what is the point? But then I think that I’m only half-way through this life (hopefully); maybe I could have a romantic relationship if I just lost the weight and gained some self-assurance and self respect; and I don’t really want to die at this weight from a massive coronary.
What I would really like is to get the lap band. I think that surgery is just my only option at this point, and I don’t want to Frankenstein my insides (no offence to those that have had gastric bypass). That option scares the dookey out of me. But I like the idea of the band because I’m not cutting apart and rearranging major organs, and not relying on malnutrition to make me thinner. I also like the idea that it is reversible if necessary. The only thing standing in my way? Remember why I haven’t been blogging? Right – no internet. Why? No money. Funnily enough, no money = no surgery.
Anyone know a surgeon willing to do it for free? Yes? Hello?
All I hear are crickets.
Monday, December 19, 2011
Uh, Heeelllooo????
Well, here I am again. So sorry to have left you for so long, but I just haven't been able to get back into the blog swing of things again. I think that I am ready to get back to it now though; I have missed it so and have found myself narrating blogs in my head. I figured I should start getting them in writing again.
Not much has changed, yet everything has changed. Does that make sense? I left Montana 15 months ago; it seems like yesterday. It seems like forever ago. I will always miss Montana, but I don't regret coming back to my family out here.
Here is a basic rundown of the haps:
- Looking for work
- Feeding seven (7) animals every day, twice a day. Five kitties (Ethel, Barnes, Teddy, Muffin, and Gus-Gus), and two dogs (Luka and Bruiser). Yes, we have a cat named after a mouse. We don't think he gets the irony.
- Looking for work
- Looking for work
- Did mention walking Bruiser (Luka takes care of herself) and scooping five (5) kitty litter boxes everyday? Well, consider it mentioned.
- Still looking for work.
- Visiting Mom.
- Mom has surgery to repair a second hernia in her abdomen in November.
- I babysat my 4-year-old great-niece for 10 days last December. I went from living like a hermit for 10 years to babysitting a precocious, yet precious, and did I mention very active 4-year-old. It was exhausting. It was awesome.
- STILL looking for work
- Had a kidney stone in June. So far it was the easiest one I've had, but it still left me with a $1500 emergency room bill. And that was after the $500 discount they gave me for not having any medical insurance. Woot!
- Did have a temp job for a couple of weeks doing data entry from 4pm to 3am down in Portland. It paid pretty well but I just could not deal with the hours and the working conditions. Plus, I had to stay at Mom's from Tuesday after work until Saturday Noon; then I could run home here to the house for Saturday evening til Monday Noon when I had to drive back down to start again. It was literally killing me, and the family staged an intervention to get me to quit. I was grateful, but back to being broke. Sigh...
- Back to looking for work
- Mom had surgery in August to remove all the mesh in her abdomen that was put in from her two hernia surgeries. She never really recovered from the one in November; her incision just would not heal and it kept abscessing. She was extremely uncomfortable and had zero quality of life. She recovered quickly from this surgery and is doing just great now. She is completely back to her old self again.
- Still looking for BLOODY WORK.
- In September, the reason why I moved back here raised it's head. My brother-in-law, Les, was on the road in the middle of TX when he became ill. He has been having a lot of trouble with his urinary system over the last year - lots of bladder infections, etc. We convinced him to go to the ER out there at the nearest hospital. To make the long story short, they found he has bladder cancer. He was in the right place at the right time, as the hospital he wound up at actually is the leading expert on bladder cancer in that area. They went in and debulked the tumor and my sister drove out and brought him home. He has since had two more surgeries up at the Oregon Health Sciences University (OHSU) in Portland, and tomorrow goes back in to have his bladder and prostate removed. His prognosis is really good considering he has a very aggressive type of cancer; he will have to pee into a bag for the rest of his life, but the important thing is that he will have a rest of his life. He has not been working since he got ill in September, and we are doing the best we can getting by on Sis's part-time (yet well paying) job and Mom's VISA card.
- The animal count went UP one in October when we adopted a handi-pawed (awwww) Doxie named Monty. He was unceremoniously dumped at a vet in Idaho when his owners allowed him to severely injure his back. When they discovered the extent of his injuries, they discovered they didn't want him back. Sis found him online and he now has a very happy home here with us. I started a new blog about him, and you can read about him here.
- Last month I found a great staffing service out in Longview, WA and signed up with them. I got a job two weeks ago with Longview Fibre and have an 85 mile round trip commute that uses a full quarter tank of gas every day. But I like the people I work with and hope to get hired on there as a LF employee. Oh please, oh please, oh PLEASE! I am gone from 6:30am to 6:30pm and right now I. Am. Tired. All. The. Time. But, I will get used to it, and I have to climb a flight of stairs at least four times a day, so I am hoping to have smaller hips at some point as well.
- As this is a weight loss blog, perhaps I should mention that I have lost 4.6 lbs in the last week. I still need to update stuff on this blog, but I'll let you know that my current weight is 324. I have lost and gained back about 150 lbs since my last post; unfortunately it's the same 5 lbs over and over again. Sighhhhh....
Well, that is pretty much the last 15 months in a nutshell. I promise to get better about the blogging, but it might be a little spotty right now. Thanks to my followers that haven't given up on me!
Sunday, September 26, 2010
I'm still here; but now I'm HERE instead of THERE.
Just wanted to toss out a quick note to let you all know that I made it safely to my new home in Washington. I'll be posting more later, but I just wanted to let you all know that I haven't forgotten about you, and I'll be back soon! Hurrah!
TTFN.
TTFN.
Wednesday, August 18, 2010
A Herd of Turtles
From the movie Jurassic Park:
Dr. Ian Malcolm: [Ian Malcolm leans to face camera in electric tour car when the T-Rex doesn't appear] Now eventually you might have dinosaurs on your, on your dinosaur tour, right? Hello?
Dr. Ian Malcolm: [he taps the camera lens and breathes on it] Yes?
John Hammond: [John Hammond watches the camera feed with his face in his hands] I really do hate that man.
That is how I feel about this blog.
Blog reader: [blog reader leans to face computer monitor when no progress is being reported on blog] Now eventually you might have weight loss on your, on your weight loss blog, right? Hello?
Blog reader: [taps the computer monitor and shakes fist at it] Yes?
Me, the blog writer: I really do hate myself.
The other day I weighed myself for the first time in weeks. It said 337. I stared in disbelief for a few seconds, swore loudly, and was depressed for the rest of the day. That is my highest recorded weight ever.
What the hell is wrong with me?
I’m killing myself here. Literally. My weight is slowly creeping towards the 350 mark when it should be slowly creeping towards the 300 mark. My right hip hurts so bad that it’s making me turn my right foot out at an odd angle when I walk. I won’t even go into the pain in my left ankle. I can barely get around at this point. What is it going to take for me to realize that doing nothing doesn’t work? I cannot wish this weight away. I have to actually DO SOMETHING. ANYTHING at this point would be a good thing. I can talk and talk and talk, but that does not burn any calories and amounts to a whole hill of beans.
I keep thinking that when I get this move over with and I am back with my sister, I will do better. But if I don’t do something NOW, I may not make it there. I am really scared that my body is going to go into all out shut down mode and I will be royally screwed. I don’t want that to be my turning point. I don’t want to go into kidney failure because I have eaten myself into a diabetic coma. I don’t want to have a stroke or a heart attack. I don’t want to have to use recovery from something like that to motivate me to get better.
I read so many inspiring weight loss blogs. Miss Bitch Cakes made her goal weight last week and she looks and is awesome. I cried and cried as I read her blog entry about reaching her goal; I was so happy for her, and I was also so very envious. I know that Tony over at The Anti-Jared would tell me to get up, quit feeling sorry for myself, and just DO IT. He lost over 200 lbs! That is what I need to do, but I just can’t seem to take those first faltering steps. Why? What is holding me back? I don’t know. I just don’t know.
So, last week I joined SparkPeople.com. It reminds me a lot of the Weight Watchers online set up, but this is FREE. I am so broke that I can’t afford the $16.95 a month that WW charges, and if you’ve read this blog at all then you know how I feel about having to pay for help to lose weight. I like tracking all of my info, and I know that journaling is a significant tool in losing weight. My biggest problem is that I have a love/hate relationship with journaling everything. I love to track it; I am an obsessive list maker, and I love charts, etc., so that is right up my alley. I hate trying to figure out how many calories, grams of fat, carbs, etc. is in everything – especially when the information is not written right on the side of whatever it is I’m eating. I find that I eat even more processed foods and fast food simply because it is easier to find the nutritional info than on something I made from scratch at home. Sad. Really, just sad. But, there are some really great tools on the website and some good, if not run-of-the-mill, information as well. I like that there are message boards where you can talk to people (I’m great at that), etc. And just so you know, I was not asked to review the website or anything; it’s just my observations.
Mom is coming out on Saturday to help me get packed up for the big move, and I think she will be very disappointed to see that not only have I not lost weight in the year since we have seen each other, I have actually gained and have not been physically able to be as ready for her arrival as I had planned. Sigh… I won’t be able to blog or track my progress on SP for about two weeks until I get my computer set up in my new space; right now I am using my computer at work (shhhh) to do it all since I haven’t had internet access at home for a few weeks. But Sis signed up for high speed internet through her satellite company and it’s being installed at her house today! YAY!! She has been using dial up for all these years because they are waaaaaaaay out in the sticks; she will be an internet monster once this gets up and going for her!
So, that is the scoop for now. Wish me luck and please don’t give up on me. I want to help people and be inspirational, and I know that is not happening right now. But please know that I am aware, and I am trying really hard to change. Cheers, thanks a lot.
TTFN.
Dr. Ian Malcolm: [Ian Malcolm leans to face camera in electric tour car when the T-Rex doesn't appear] Now eventually you might have dinosaurs on your, on your dinosaur tour, right? Hello?
Dr. Ian Malcolm: [he taps the camera lens and breathes on it] Yes?
John Hammond: [John Hammond watches the camera feed with his face in his hands] I really do hate that man.
That is how I feel about this blog.
Blog reader: [blog reader leans to face computer monitor when no progress is being reported on blog] Now eventually you might have weight loss on your, on your weight loss blog, right? Hello?
Blog reader: [taps the computer monitor and shakes fist at it] Yes?
Me, the blog writer: I really do hate myself.
The other day I weighed myself for the first time in weeks. It said 337. I stared in disbelief for a few seconds, swore loudly, and was depressed for the rest of the day. That is my highest recorded weight ever.
What the hell is wrong with me?
I’m killing myself here. Literally. My weight is slowly creeping towards the 350 mark when it should be slowly creeping towards the 300 mark. My right hip hurts so bad that it’s making me turn my right foot out at an odd angle when I walk. I won’t even go into the pain in my left ankle. I can barely get around at this point. What is it going to take for me to realize that doing nothing doesn’t work? I cannot wish this weight away. I have to actually DO SOMETHING. ANYTHING at this point would be a good thing. I can talk and talk and talk, but that does not burn any calories and amounts to a whole hill of beans.
I keep thinking that when I get this move over with and I am back with my sister, I will do better. But if I don’t do something NOW, I may not make it there. I am really scared that my body is going to go into all out shut down mode and I will be royally screwed. I don’t want that to be my turning point. I don’t want to go into kidney failure because I have eaten myself into a diabetic coma. I don’t want to have a stroke or a heart attack. I don’t want to have to use recovery from something like that to motivate me to get better.
I read so many inspiring weight loss blogs. Miss Bitch Cakes made her goal weight last week and she looks and is awesome. I cried and cried as I read her blog entry about reaching her goal; I was so happy for her, and I was also so very envious. I know that Tony over at The Anti-Jared would tell me to get up, quit feeling sorry for myself, and just DO IT. He lost over 200 lbs! That is what I need to do, but I just can’t seem to take those first faltering steps. Why? What is holding me back? I don’t know. I just don’t know.
So, last week I joined SparkPeople.com. It reminds me a lot of the Weight Watchers online set up, but this is FREE. I am so broke that I can’t afford the $16.95 a month that WW charges, and if you’ve read this blog at all then you know how I feel about having to pay for help to lose weight. I like tracking all of my info, and I know that journaling is a significant tool in losing weight. My biggest problem is that I have a love/hate relationship with journaling everything. I love to track it; I am an obsessive list maker, and I love charts, etc., so that is right up my alley. I hate trying to figure out how many calories, grams of fat, carbs, etc. is in everything – especially when the information is not written right on the side of whatever it is I’m eating. I find that I eat even more processed foods and fast food simply because it is easier to find the nutritional info than on something I made from scratch at home. Sad. Really, just sad. But, there are some really great tools on the website and some good, if not run-of-the-mill, information as well. I like that there are message boards where you can talk to people (I’m great at that), etc. And just so you know, I was not asked to review the website or anything; it’s just my observations.
Mom is coming out on Saturday to help me get packed up for the big move, and I think she will be very disappointed to see that not only have I not lost weight in the year since we have seen each other, I have actually gained and have not been physically able to be as ready for her arrival as I had planned. Sigh… I won’t be able to blog or track my progress on SP for about two weeks until I get my computer set up in my new space; right now I am using my computer at work (shhhh) to do it all since I haven’t had internet access at home for a few weeks. But Sis signed up for high speed internet through her satellite company and it’s being installed at her house today! YAY!! She has been using dial up for all these years because they are waaaaaaaay out in the sticks; she will be an internet monster once this gets up and going for her!
So, that is the scoop for now. Wish me luck and please don’t give up on me. I want to help people and be inspirational, and I know that is not happening right now. But please know that I am aware, and I am trying really hard to change. Cheers, thanks a lot.
TTFN.
Friday, July 30, 2010
Insanity thy name is me...
Wow – I had not realized how long it has been since I last posted. Sorry about that! My life is in kind of a holding pattern right now, and unfortunately that makes everything lock up; my brain, my body – everything.
Albert Einstein once said "The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results".
I am definitely insane.
During these weeks that I have not posted, I have been eating fast-food and grocery store deli stuff almost exclusively. I haven’t really been exercising (well, a little), and I have not been weighing myself. What is the point? I have been doing all of that for years and years and it has not led to weight loss yet. But I keep doing it over and over, each time expecting that maybe THIS time, it will be different.
Insane.
I have been walking a little more. My friend, Katina, and I have decided that we have just got to get the bodies in motion. So I have been driving over to her neighborhood after work and we walk there. It’s a lovely older neighborhood with lots of shade on the sidewalks.
Problem #1: I am so out of shape that I can barely walk a quarter mile. I use my Nordic walking poles, and if it wasn’t for them I wouldn’t be able to walk 50 feet. We started out at a half mile, but the first time we did it, it took a half hour because I had to keep stopping. My back muscles that run from the top of my butt up towards my ribcage, on either side of my spine, are just ON FIRE. I think they go into some sort of spasm, and I have to stop and bend over and stretch like I’m touching my toes. The second time we did the half mile, I wanted to get down on my hands and knees and crawl the last 30 feet. I take 800mg of Advil about 45 minutes before we walk and I am pretty sure it helps, but Lord Almighty it doesn’t help enough. The third time we met to walk I told her that it was just too much for me. We dropped it to the quarter mile and that helped a lot, but I have to stop at least three times to stretch. We stretch before we walk but I’m still in agony by the end. No pain, no gain, right? Crap. Katina is very patient and kind to me for making her walk so slowly for such a short period of time; she goes ahead and walks another 2 miles after I leave her.
Problem #2: It’s frickin’ bloody hot. It’s the time of year that we hit our really unbearably hot streak; we’ve been lucky in that – like most of the country - our weather has been a little off and so the hot streak took a while to get going. But mercy, it is gaining momentum for sure. It’s been in the mid 90’s all week, and by the middle of August it will be in the 100’s. That usually only lasts for a week (the week of the state fair, of course) and then it gets “cooler” – mid 90’s again for a while. I don’t do heat. Neither does Katina. We are both prone to heat stroke, so we ain’t walking when it’s 95 degrees at 8pm. Not gonna happen.
But we are doing our best. We might start walking at the mall since it’s indoors and air conditioned, but frankly I’d rather have a root canal and a pelvic exam. I hate walking at the mall, especially ours. It’s so small and crowded! Yeah, yeah, poor me, boo hoo.
I haven’t been weighing myself because there really isn’t any point; and I think the batteries are going to die any day now. One day my weight fluxed by 8lbs overnight. That can’t be right, can it? I mean I know water retention and release can count for some significant weight, but 8lbs in one day? I don’t think so. So it is now living under the bathroom sink until I pack it for the trip to Washington and its new life in my sister’s back bathroom.
The move is still on; mom is coming the week of 8/23 to help me pack. It’s kind of sad and humiliating when you are 43 and you need your 74 year old mother to fly out and help you pack, but let me tell ya: she is a packing machine. That woman can have me and my 2-bedroom duplex packed and move ready in about three days. Seriously. I will want to suffocate her in her sleep by the time she leaves, but it will be totally worth it. And this way she knows that all of her china and crystal stemware that she gave to me will be properly packed and she won’t have to worry about it. Because, trust me; she will.
So please bear with me as I tackle this latest hurtle in my life. I am currently without cable at home, so that means no TV and no Internet access. The no TV is weird but I’m getting used to it; hopefully I will use the down time that I usually spent on the couch watching TV and eating crap to do something constructive instead – like pack or clean the house before Mom arrives. My last day at work will be 8/31, so I won’t be able to post anything to my blogs after that until I get to my new home in Washington.
Everyone keep up the great work; I may not have been writing but I have been reading. Thanks to everyone that keeps encouraging me (Nancy @ntexas99 – good luck on your new blogging adventure!) and I promise that I will pick up where I leave off in August.
TTFN.
Albert Einstein once said "The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results".
I am definitely insane.
During these weeks that I have not posted, I have been eating fast-food and grocery store deli stuff almost exclusively. I haven’t really been exercising (well, a little), and I have not been weighing myself. What is the point? I have been doing all of that for years and years and it has not led to weight loss yet. But I keep doing it over and over, each time expecting that maybe THIS time, it will be different.
Insane.
I have been walking a little more. My friend, Katina, and I have decided that we have just got to get the bodies in motion. So I have been driving over to her neighborhood after work and we walk there. It’s a lovely older neighborhood with lots of shade on the sidewalks.
Problem #1: I am so out of shape that I can barely walk a quarter mile. I use my Nordic walking poles, and if it wasn’t for them I wouldn’t be able to walk 50 feet. We started out at a half mile, but the first time we did it, it took a half hour because I had to keep stopping. My back muscles that run from the top of my butt up towards my ribcage, on either side of my spine, are just ON FIRE. I think they go into some sort of spasm, and I have to stop and bend over and stretch like I’m touching my toes. The second time we did the half mile, I wanted to get down on my hands and knees and crawl the last 30 feet. I take 800mg of Advil about 45 minutes before we walk and I am pretty sure it helps, but Lord Almighty it doesn’t help enough. The third time we met to walk I told her that it was just too much for me. We dropped it to the quarter mile and that helped a lot, but I have to stop at least three times to stretch. We stretch before we walk but I’m still in agony by the end. No pain, no gain, right? Crap. Katina is very patient and kind to me for making her walk so slowly for such a short period of time; she goes ahead and walks another 2 miles after I leave her.
Problem #2: It’s frickin’ bloody hot. It’s the time of year that we hit our really unbearably hot streak; we’ve been lucky in that – like most of the country - our weather has been a little off and so the hot streak took a while to get going. But mercy, it is gaining momentum for sure. It’s been in the mid 90’s all week, and by the middle of August it will be in the 100’s. That usually only lasts for a week (the week of the state fair, of course) and then it gets “cooler” – mid 90’s again for a while. I don’t do heat. Neither does Katina. We are both prone to heat stroke, so we ain’t walking when it’s 95 degrees at 8pm. Not gonna happen.
But we are doing our best. We might start walking at the mall since it’s indoors and air conditioned, but frankly I’d rather have a root canal and a pelvic exam. I hate walking at the mall, especially ours. It’s so small and crowded! Yeah, yeah, poor me, boo hoo.
I haven’t been weighing myself because there really isn’t any point; and I think the batteries are going to die any day now. One day my weight fluxed by 8lbs overnight. That can’t be right, can it? I mean I know water retention and release can count for some significant weight, but 8lbs in one day? I don’t think so. So it is now living under the bathroom sink until I pack it for the trip to Washington and its new life in my sister’s back bathroom.
The move is still on; mom is coming the week of 8/23 to help me pack. It’s kind of sad and humiliating when you are 43 and you need your 74 year old mother to fly out and help you pack, but let me tell ya: she is a packing machine. That woman can have me and my 2-bedroom duplex packed and move ready in about three days. Seriously. I will want to suffocate her in her sleep by the time she leaves, but it will be totally worth it. And this way she knows that all of her china and crystal stemware that she gave to me will be properly packed and she won’t have to worry about it. Because, trust me; she will.
So please bear with me as I tackle this latest hurtle in my life. I am currently without cable at home, so that means no TV and no Internet access. The no TV is weird but I’m getting used to it; hopefully I will use the down time that I usually spent on the couch watching TV and eating crap to do something constructive instead – like pack or clean the house before Mom arrives. My last day at work will be 8/31, so I won’t be able to post anything to my blogs after that until I get to my new home in Washington.
Everyone keep up the great work; I may not have been writing but I have been reading. Thanks to everyone that keeps encouraging me (Nancy @ntexas99 – good luck on your new blogging adventure!) and I promise that I will pick up where I leave off in August.
TTFN.
Wednesday, July 7, 2010
French, Turds, Frogs and Foreheads (it’s not what you think)
Yesterday I got to do something I had been waiting my entire life for.
I answered the phone and a very nice lady was asking for someone in French. I replied in English that I thought she dialed the wrong number. She said something else in French and I again told her in English that she had the wrong number. She then tried saying something else, and I gathered myself together and, in perfect French, said, “Je ne parlez pas Francais.” (I do not speak French).
**sound of French crickets in the background**
This of course led to a great number of French words from the lady on the other end of the phone. Apparently the fact that I told her that I do not speak French while actually speaking French threw her for a bit of a loop (perhaps she was accusing me of lying?).
Fortunately the word NO is the same in French and English, so I just kept saying NO until she gave up. I giggled all the rest of the day.
Finally, something from my school days that I could actually apply in real life!! Ask me how often I have used my mimeographing skills, or the geometry I struggled through, or my ability to quote Freud, or how often I have ever jotted down notes in shorthand. A heck of a lot less than I have whipped out my French, let me tell you.
I took two French classes in school; my first one was in the eighth grade. Our French teacher was a very proper and beautiful real live 100% Frenchwoman. From Paris. On our first day of class she taught us all the swear words she knew. We thought she was wonderful. My second French class was as a senior in high school. I can still remember a few phrases, like: My name is Heather. It is eight o’clock (I can say any time up to ten; I can’t remember how to say eleven or twelve.) I am a yellow pencil. (I can’t remember how to say I have, but you never know when saying I am might come in handy.)
**********************************************************
While writing this post, my sister sent me an email about her day today. She doesn’t think that she has any writing skills; I beg to differ. Here is what happened, in her own words (please note that Miss Muffin is a lovely young Rag Doll cat):
You missed 2 rodeos this morning. First one, Miss Muffin apparently had some sort of lady's room issues and found herself with icky sumpin sumpins stuck to her behind. To rid her pretty self of them, she scooted all over the wash room, (guess which room I'll be mopping when it cools off), then dropped 3 turds on the red rug. I didn't see them and managed to step on one of them. Went on a turd hunt and found the other 2. She still had one hanging off her hiney, so I caught her and attempted to remove it with a paper towel. She escaped, with the paper towel still stuck to her and she freaked out! Chased her all over the house, finally got her and held her on her side while snipping off the offending towel and turd with the other! She then retired to the love seat and proceeded to give her self a bath and rearrange her nether regions.
Rodeo number 2, I was minding my own business, watering my front yard flower pots and porch - trying to put the last adventure behind me, er so to speak, when a froggie jumped out of the plant I was watering, landed on my watering can then jumping onto my forehead and then to some other plant behind me. I don't know which one because I was busy screaming and pouring all the rest of the water out of my watering can all over the porch and myself. It cooled me off anyway... See what you're missing?
Couldn’t have written that better myself. Please excuse me, as I now have to go clean up all the root beer I spit everywhere.
TTFN.
I answered the phone and a very nice lady was asking for someone in French. I replied in English that I thought she dialed the wrong number. She said something else in French and I again told her in English that she had the wrong number. She then tried saying something else, and I gathered myself together and, in perfect French, said, “Je ne parlez pas Francais.” (I do not speak French).
**sound of French crickets in the background**
This of course led to a great number of French words from the lady on the other end of the phone. Apparently the fact that I told her that I do not speak French while actually speaking French threw her for a bit of a loop (perhaps she was accusing me of lying?).
Fortunately the word NO is the same in French and English, so I just kept saying NO until she gave up. I giggled all the rest of the day.
Finally, something from my school days that I could actually apply in real life!! Ask me how often I have used my mimeographing skills, or the geometry I struggled through, or my ability to quote Freud, or how often I have ever jotted down notes in shorthand. A heck of a lot less than I have whipped out my French, let me tell you.
I took two French classes in school; my first one was in the eighth grade. Our French teacher was a very proper and beautiful real live 100% Frenchwoman. From Paris. On our first day of class she taught us all the swear words she knew. We thought she was wonderful. My second French class was as a senior in high school. I can still remember a few phrases, like: My name is Heather. It is eight o’clock (I can say any time up to ten; I can’t remember how to say eleven or twelve.) I am a yellow pencil. (I can’t remember how to say I have, but you never know when saying I am might come in handy.)
**********************************************************
While writing this post, my sister sent me an email about her day today. She doesn’t think that she has any writing skills; I beg to differ. Here is what happened, in her own words (please note that Miss Muffin is a lovely young Rag Doll cat):
You missed 2 rodeos this morning. First one, Miss Muffin apparently had some sort of lady's room issues and found herself with icky sumpin sumpins stuck to her behind. To rid her pretty self of them, she scooted all over the wash room, (guess which room I'll be mopping when it cools off), then dropped 3 turds on the red rug. I didn't see them and managed to step on one of them. Went on a turd hunt and found the other 2. She still had one hanging off her hiney, so I caught her and attempted to remove it with a paper towel. She escaped, with the paper towel still stuck to her and she freaked out! Chased her all over the house, finally got her and held her on her side while snipping off the offending towel and turd with the other! She then retired to the love seat and proceeded to give her self a bath and rearrange her nether regions.
Rodeo number 2, I was minding my own business, watering my front yard flower pots and porch - trying to put the last adventure behind me, er so to speak, when a froggie jumped out of the plant I was watering, landed on my watering can then jumping onto my forehead and then to some other plant behind me. I don't know which one because I was busy screaming and pouring all the rest of the water out of my watering can all over the porch and myself. It cooled me off anyway... See what you're missing?
Couldn’t have written that better myself. Please excuse me, as I now have to go clean up all the root beer I spit everywhere.
TTFN.
Monday, June 28, 2010
So Far, So Good, So Shut Up
First things first: Congrats to Gilly over at something, something, something, Fat Chick for hitting – and surpassing – her goal of 70lbs! Woo hoo!! You go girl!! I am really proud of her for accomplishing this goal. I can’t imagine how great she must feel, but I hope to experience it for myself!
Despite my melt down a few days ago, I still managed to pull off a loss and I am really happy about that. I am now past 10% of my goal, and on my weight loss thermometer I have moved out of FROZEN and into VERY COLD! I love being able to take my red pen and fill in those pounds lost.
Normally this is the point where I start to unravel. I get a little success under my belt, I tell a few people about it, then my brain shuts off and my mouth opens and all the crap starts filling me back up.
I am determined not to do that to myself this week.
I am going to keep going with the “one day at a time” cliché that really works. I will only worry about today; making sure I make the best food choices that I can (and I packed my lunch today – yay me) and drink as much water as I can and move my body when I can. I worked in the yard a little bit yesterday, pulling all the weeds along the fence that borders the sidewalk in the front yard. It was starting to resemble the Amazon jungle out there, and it made me wince every time I came home from work. It wasn’t really that strenuous; I just sat on the ground and pulled everything within reach, then moved down the line as needed. That’s it. This morning, my legs and back are as stiff and sore as if I’d done some Jazz-ercise or something! But I will take that stiffness and channel it as a success. If I hadn’t used the muscles more than normal, then they wouldn’t be sore, right? Right. Now I just need to get up the gumption to mow the lawn. Yuck.
So, as Red Green says, “Keep your stick on the ice.”
TTFN.
Despite my melt down a few days ago, I still managed to pull off a loss and I am really happy about that. I am now past 10% of my goal, and on my weight loss thermometer I have moved out of FROZEN and into VERY COLD! I love being able to take my red pen and fill in those pounds lost.
Normally this is the point where I start to unravel. I get a little success under my belt, I tell a few people about it, then my brain shuts off and my mouth opens and all the crap starts filling me back up.
I am determined not to do that to myself this week.
I am going to keep going with the “one day at a time” cliché that really works. I will only worry about today; making sure I make the best food choices that I can (and I packed my lunch today – yay me) and drink as much water as I can and move my body when I can. I worked in the yard a little bit yesterday, pulling all the weeds along the fence that borders the sidewalk in the front yard. It was starting to resemble the Amazon jungle out there, and it made me wince every time I came home from work. It wasn’t really that strenuous; I just sat on the ground and pulled everything within reach, then moved down the line as needed. That’s it. This morning, my legs and back are as stiff and sore as if I’d done some Jazz-ercise or something! But I will take that stiffness and channel it as a success. If I hadn’t used the muscles more than normal, then they wouldn’t be sore, right? Right. Now I just need to get up the gumption to mow the lawn. Yuck.
So, as Red Green says, “Keep your stick on the ice.”
TTFN.
Saturday, June 26, 2010
We Now Return To Your Regularly Scheduled Broadcast
Sorry about yesterday.
Today is a new day. I have gathered myself together and am moving on.
I have issues. I realize that. The incident yesterday shows that I still have far to go on this journey, and that I still have things that I need to figure out.
I need to find a more constructive way to deal with my feelings of anger, regret, self-loathing and self-pity. Oh, that self-pity is a real favorite of mine. Why do I have to resort to food when I hit an emotional brick wall? Why can't I do pilates or drop and do crunches until I puke? Dunno. Yet.
So, today is a re-grouping day. I am off to get dressed and put on the dancing tunes. I have already loaded up my 5-CD player on the big living room stereo with ABBA's greatest hits, Lady Gaga, the soundtrack to Once Upon A Time In Mexico, and two dance club CDs and I'm off to dance my blues away. Even though it is kind of drizzly outside, I am going to open every window in the house to let in the fresh air. I think it will help me blow some of these nonconstructive cobwebs from my brain. I also hope to get outside today and pull weeds around the yard; it's staring to look like a jungle out there and I hate that.
TTFN.
Today is a new day. I have gathered myself together and am moving on.
I have issues. I realize that. The incident yesterday shows that I still have far to go on this journey, and that I still have things that I need to figure out.
I need to find a more constructive way to deal with my feelings of anger, regret, self-loathing and self-pity. Oh, that self-pity is a real favorite of mine. Why do I have to resort to food when I hit an emotional brick wall? Why can't I do pilates or drop and do crunches until I puke? Dunno. Yet.
So, today is a re-grouping day. I am off to get dressed and put on the dancing tunes. I have already loaded up my 5-CD player on the big living room stereo with ABBA's greatest hits, Lady Gaga, the soundtrack to Once Upon A Time In Mexico, and two dance club CDs and I'm off to dance my blues away. Even though it is kind of drizzly outside, I am going to open every window in the house to let in the fresh air. I think it will help me blow some of these nonconstructive cobwebs from my brain. I also hope to get outside today and pull weeds around the yard; it's staring to look like a jungle out there and I hate that.
TTFN.
Friday, June 25, 2010
Weak
So, there I was, looking forward to a nice Friday night at home again, as usual. I really want pizza but I'm holding my own quite nicely, thankyouveddymuch.
And there it was.
On FaceBook.
Two tons of salt rubbed into an old wound that has never healed (or been allowed to heal). No one did it purposely; it was something innocent and nothing to every other living being on the planet, but to me...it was a reminder:
HEY! REMEMBER THAT THING THAT YOU CAN'T GET OVER THAT YOU TRY REALLY HARD NOT TO THINK ABOUT EVERY FRICKIN DAY OF YOUR LIFE THAT HAPPENED 25 YEARS AGO THAT YOU CANNOT FOR THE LIFE OF YOU LET GO?
HAVE YOU FORGOTTEN?
WEEELLLL...HEEEEEEEERE'S JOHNNY!!
And I logged on and went straight for the pizza.
I cried while ordered it.
I wept while I ate it.
I didn't enjoy it.
I hate my life.
I hate myself.
I am going to bed before I do any further damage.
And there it was.
On FaceBook.
Two tons of salt rubbed into an old wound that has never healed (or been allowed to heal). No one did it purposely; it was something innocent and nothing to every other living being on the planet, but to me...it was a reminder:
HEY! REMEMBER THAT THING THAT YOU CAN'T GET OVER THAT YOU TRY REALLY HARD NOT TO THINK ABOUT EVERY FRICKIN DAY OF YOUR LIFE THAT HAPPENED 25 YEARS AGO THAT YOU CANNOT FOR THE LIFE OF YOU LET GO?
HAVE YOU FORGOTTEN?
WEEELLLL...HEEEEEEEERE'S JOHNNY!!
And I logged on and went straight for the pizza.
I cried while ordered it.
I wept while I ate it.
I didn't enjoy it.
I hate my life.
I hate myself.
I am going to bed before I do any further damage.
Wednesday, June 23, 2010
And Now For Something Completely the Same
Well, we are all pretty much recovered from our tornado on Sunday. The community is working together to get things cleaned up, which is really good for morale. I love to see people come together to help out in times of crisis. It renews my faith in the basic goodness of people.
Now, onto the topic at hand: weight loss, weight loss, weight loss. I’m still plugging away and crossing my fingers for another loss on weigh-in day. I caved in to my screaming desire for cake last night on my way home from work and purchased a (very large) “single” cake slice and fully intended to eat it after dinner. It is cherry cake, with lovely sugary pink cherry icing – one of my favorites.
I realized at 10:15 this morning, at my desk at work, that I had forgotten all about it last night and it is still sitting in the grocery bag in the kitchen at home.
SCORE!
Now the challenge is to see how long I can let it sit there before actually eating it. Or whatever.
New topic (sort of). On Deceiver.com, there is a post about The Biggest Loser (you can read the post and comments here). I have made my feelings known about TBL and how I don’t really think it’s healthy for the body, mind or spirit; and I have also said that if given a chance to be on the show, I would probably still do it. I know that is a total contradiction, but I guess that I am probably one of the key targets that this show is aimed at. I know it’s unhealthy to lose massive amounts of weight in a short period of time; I have read the studies that say that if you lose it slowly and regularly, you have a much better chance of keeping it off and not regaining; but I also know that we live in a society that is totally into instant gratification, and I am a HUGE fan of instant gratification (pun intended). Thus my addiction to fast food and all things deep fried, heavily processed, and all around unhealthy. And my love of seeing people drop massive amounts of weight in a very short period of time.
When I see commercials on TV for some product (pill, cream, diet shakes, work out plan) and the lovely size 2 woman declares in a voice befitting one that just won the lottery, “I lost eight pounds in six weeks!!”, it makes me spit my Coke Zero across the living room and burst into hysterical laughter. Wow – I wish I could be that excited about watching paint dry! Here’s my credit card – sign me up!
I know that losing the weight and maintaining a healthy life style will be something I will have to work at for the rest of my life, however long that may be. But, I don’t want to take six weeks to lose eight pounds (even though that is considered to be healthy at 1.33 pounds per week). I mean, that would be fine and dandy if all I needed to lose was eight frickin’ measly pounds. But I need to lose a minimum of 200 lbs. I want to lose eight pounds EVERY week. I also know that the heavier you are, the more you can actually expect to have weeks were you will lose more than the trust-us-it’s-healthier-this-way 2 lbs per week, and as you get closer and closer to your goal, that weight loss will slow down significantly.
But I digress. Sorta.
One thing I found interesting about the interview with the former TBL cast member was that she said that even though the show leads you to believe that only a week has gone by and that the number they put up as a loss is for 7 days, it isn’t always the truth. Apparently some of the “weeks” are longer than the 7 days we all assume the show is showing us. Bastards. I feel more than a little duped by that. And even though I know you can’t trust “reality” shows to be 100% real, I didn’t see that little deception coming. And it pisses me off.
I have never tried to model my weight loss plan off of TBL because I knew the results were impossible to achieve at home, unless you were independently wealthy, unmarried and childless. I know that the contestants spend 6-8 hours per day in the gym, and no one is going to be able to do that in real life, away from a rehab-like setting where people watch you 24/7. I don’t like the way they push people to the point of vomiting or nearly killing themselves by flying off the treadmill, only to be mocked and made fun of for it. I hate the blatant product placement and trying to make it seem like if you just chew this gum, it will help you lose weight! I also do not care for the scream-therapy that the trainers seem to be so fond of. Even Bob, who in the past was always so calm and sweet, has taken to following Jillian’s cue of belittling and screaming until frothy at the mouth, then hugging the person and trying to extract that break-through moment in “private” when they stomp out of the gym, vowing to quit and never return. Yes, that “private” moment when they are all mic’d for sound and have a guy with a 40lb camera on his shoulder in their face; hoping for that emotional memory of whatever it was that made them decide they weren’t worth anything, weren’t good enough, and had completely given up on themselves. I have not watched Jillian’s new show, and I never will. I would not want that woman in my home for any amount of money.
Hmmm…looking back over this post, I seem to have struck a nerve, no?
Anyhoo, I will continue to search for what works for me. You need to continue to search what works for you. I am not giving up hope that one day there will be a miracle pill that will let me wake up in a puddle of melted fat and miraculously turn me into a size 2; but in the meantime, I will have to work hard for those results.
Besides, if they ever did make that pill, I probably wouldn’t be able to afford it, and the aftermath would be a completely ruined mattress. Yuck.
TTFN.
Now, onto the topic at hand: weight loss, weight loss, weight loss. I’m still plugging away and crossing my fingers for another loss on weigh-in day. I caved in to my screaming desire for cake last night on my way home from work and purchased a (very large) “single” cake slice and fully intended to eat it after dinner. It is cherry cake, with lovely sugary pink cherry icing – one of my favorites.
I realized at 10:15 this morning, at my desk at work, that I had forgotten all about it last night and it is still sitting in the grocery bag in the kitchen at home.
SCORE!
Now the challenge is to see how long I can let it sit there before actually eating it. Or whatever.
New topic (sort of). On Deceiver.com, there is a post about The Biggest Loser (you can read the post and comments here). I have made my feelings known about TBL and how I don’t really think it’s healthy for the body, mind or spirit; and I have also said that if given a chance to be on the show, I would probably still do it. I know that is a total contradiction, but I guess that I am probably one of the key targets that this show is aimed at. I know it’s unhealthy to lose massive amounts of weight in a short period of time; I have read the studies that say that if you lose it slowly and regularly, you have a much better chance of keeping it off and not regaining; but I also know that we live in a society that is totally into instant gratification, and I am a HUGE fan of instant gratification (pun intended). Thus my addiction to fast food and all things deep fried, heavily processed, and all around unhealthy. And my love of seeing people drop massive amounts of weight in a very short period of time.
When I see commercials on TV for some product (pill, cream, diet shakes, work out plan) and the lovely size 2 woman declares in a voice befitting one that just won the lottery, “I lost eight pounds in six weeks!!”, it makes me spit my Coke Zero across the living room and burst into hysterical laughter. Wow – I wish I could be that excited about watching paint dry! Here’s my credit card – sign me up!
I know that losing the weight and maintaining a healthy life style will be something I will have to work at for the rest of my life, however long that may be. But, I don’t want to take six weeks to lose eight pounds (even though that is considered to be healthy at 1.33 pounds per week). I mean, that would be fine and dandy if all I needed to lose was eight frickin’ measly pounds. But I need to lose a minimum of 200 lbs. I want to lose eight pounds EVERY week. I also know that the heavier you are, the more you can actually expect to have weeks were you will lose more than the trust-us-it’s-healthier-this-way 2 lbs per week, and as you get closer and closer to your goal, that weight loss will slow down significantly.
But I digress. Sorta.
One thing I found interesting about the interview with the former TBL cast member was that she said that even though the show leads you to believe that only a week has gone by and that the number they put up as a loss is for 7 days, it isn’t always the truth. Apparently some of the “weeks” are longer than the 7 days we all assume the show is showing us. Bastards. I feel more than a little duped by that. And even though I know you can’t trust “reality” shows to be 100% real, I didn’t see that little deception coming. And it pisses me off.
I have never tried to model my weight loss plan off of TBL because I knew the results were impossible to achieve at home, unless you were independently wealthy, unmarried and childless. I know that the contestants spend 6-8 hours per day in the gym, and no one is going to be able to do that in real life, away from a rehab-like setting where people watch you 24/7. I don’t like the way they push people to the point of vomiting or nearly killing themselves by flying off the treadmill, only to be mocked and made fun of for it. I hate the blatant product placement and trying to make it seem like if you just chew this gum, it will help you lose weight! I also do not care for the scream-therapy that the trainers seem to be so fond of. Even Bob, who in the past was always so calm and sweet, has taken to following Jillian’s cue of belittling and screaming until frothy at the mouth, then hugging the person and trying to extract that break-through moment in “private” when they stomp out of the gym, vowing to quit and never return. Yes, that “private” moment when they are all mic’d for sound and have a guy with a 40lb camera on his shoulder in their face; hoping for that emotional memory of whatever it was that made them decide they weren’t worth anything, weren’t good enough, and had completely given up on themselves. I have not watched Jillian’s new show, and I never will. I would not want that woman in my home for any amount of money.
Hmmm…looking back over this post, I seem to have struck a nerve, no?
Anyhoo, I will continue to search for what works for me. You need to continue to search what works for you. I am not giving up hope that one day there will be a miracle pill that will let me wake up in a puddle of melted fat and miraculously turn me into a size 2; but in the meantime, I will have to work hard for those results.
Besides, if they ever did make that pill, I probably wouldn’t be able to afford it, and the aftermath would be a completely ruined mattress. Yuck.
TTFN.
Monday, June 21, 2010
Even Mother Nature Wants Me To Succeed!
Yay! The scale is going in the correct direction and I am now under 330. Only 29.6 to go.
I will not lie and say the week was easy; it wasn't. I ate a lot of beef jerky, and I just wanted pizza every. single. night. I did eat some fast food but I kept it in line with my eating plan for the week, so there is proof for you that you can have a little of the stuff you love and think you can't live without, and still lose a little weight. I have been really struggling this week with weather-influenced migraines, and sometimes I just don't want to eat at all (but I make myself - gotta eat to lose ya know!) and the rest of the time I want comfort food. Mostly, I want comfort food made personally by my mother. Which won't be happening because she is 1,000 miles away. Nuts.
But Mother Nature decided to intervene yesterday to help keep me on track.
At 4:30pm it was hailing so hard it was making my teeth rattle. Here is a fuzzy picture of one the larger hailstones that landed on my front steps:
There were larger ones than this out on the lawn, but there was so much lightning I was scared to go get one!
At about 7:45pm, I could not resist the siren song of the pizza delivery conglomerates, so I caved in. I went online to Domino's, but they were offline and not taking online orders. I could have called but was too lazy. So I tried Papa John's; same story. I figured that the power was out or something since the power at my house had been going on and off a few times. I then decided that Dairy Queen would nicely fill the void, so I threw on my shoes and grabbed the camera - just in case anything interesting popped up from the hail storm.
I headed down Main Street and got to Hillview where the intersection was completely closed with fire trucks and police cars. You could either turn right and go back up into the Heights neighborhood, or you could turn left towards the river. I opted to turn left, figuring that perhaps the Albertsons parking lot had flooded or something and that was why the street was closed. I turned right on Joyce, which runs parallel to Main Street, and tried to look through the buildings to see what all the hub-bub was about. Couldn't see anything wrong at all! Hmmmm... I continued down the street and turned right on the little street that leads to the DQ; pulled up to the DQ and realized that it was all dark. CRAP! That was when I knew the cosmos was conspiring against me - having fast food just was NOT in the cards for me today!
The DQ is situated on top of a hill; you can follow the road behind it down the steep hill into a large Target parking lot where there is a little strip mall to the right with a MacKenzie River restaurant, a 31 Flavors, Radio Shack, etc. There is a McDonald's at the far end of the parking lot. As I was coming down the hill towards the lot, I was shocked to see that it was pretty much empty except for a few fire trucks, Battalion Commander SUVs...um is that insulation? And...sheet rock? What the...? To the right of the lot I could see clots of vehicles parked, people running to the top of the grassy knoll (no relation) that bordered Main Street with cameras and children in tow. I could see the bright yellow DO NOT CROSS police tape strung everywhere. WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON?
Well, at the time that hell's fury in the form of hail was raining down upon my house at 4:30pm, a tornado touched down on Main Street. I live about 1.5 miles away; never heard the sirens or anything. No less than six businesses, including the McD's, were either heavily damaged or destroyed completely.
I will not lie and say the week was easy; it wasn't. I ate a lot of beef jerky, and I just wanted pizza every. single. night. I did eat some fast food but I kept it in line with my eating plan for the week, so there is proof for you that you can have a little of the stuff you love and think you can't live without, and still lose a little weight. I have been really struggling this week with weather-influenced migraines, and sometimes I just don't want to eat at all (but I make myself - gotta eat to lose ya know!) and the rest of the time I want comfort food. Mostly, I want comfort food made personally by my mother. Which won't be happening because she is 1,000 miles away. Nuts.
But Mother Nature decided to intervene yesterday to help keep me on track.
At 4:30pm it was hailing so hard it was making my teeth rattle. Here is a fuzzy picture of one the larger hailstones that landed on my front steps:
There were larger ones than this out on the lawn, but there was so much lightning I was scared to go get one!At about 7:45pm, I could not resist the siren song of the pizza delivery conglomerates, so I caved in. I went online to Domino's, but they were offline and not taking online orders. I could have called but was too lazy. So I tried Papa John's; same story. I figured that the power was out or something since the power at my house had been going on and off a few times. I then decided that Dairy Queen would nicely fill the void, so I threw on my shoes and grabbed the camera - just in case anything interesting popped up from the hail storm.
I headed down Main Street and got to Hillview where the intersection was completely closed with fire trucks and police cars. You could either turn right and go back up into the Heights neighborhood, or you could turn left towards the river. I opted to turn left, figuring that perhaps the Albertsons parking lot had flooded or something and that was why the street was closed. I turned right on Joyce, which runs parallel to Main Street, and tried to look through the buildings to see what all the hub-bub was about. Couldn't see anything wrong at all! Hmmmm... I continued down the street and turned right on the little street that leads to the DQ; pulled up to the DQ and realized that it was all dark. CRAP! That was when I knew the cosmos was conspiring against me - having fast food just was NOT in the cards for me today!
The DQ is situated on top of a hill; you can follow the road behind it down the steep hill into a large Target parking lot where there is a little strip mall to the right with a MacKenzie River restaurant, a 31 Flavors, Radio Shack, etc. There is a McDonald's at the far end of the parking lot. As I was coming down the hill towards the lot, I was shocked to see that it was pretty much empty except for a few fire trucks, Battalion Commander SUVs...um is that insulation? And...sheet rock? What the...? To the right of the lot I could see clots of vehicles parked, people running to the top of the grassy knoll (no relation) that bordered Main Street with cameras and children in tow. I could see the bright yellow DO NOT CROSS police tape strung everywhere. WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON?
Well, at the time that hell's fury in the form of hail was raining down upon my house at 4:30pm, a tornado touched down on Main Street. I live about 1.5 miles away; never heard the sirens or anything. No less than six businesses, including the McD's, were either heavily damaged or destroyed completely.
I stood dumbfounded - gobsmacked (that's for you, Blue) - along with many of my fellow neighbors. It's one thing to see something like this on TV, but to see it first hand? It is awe-inspiring. The 18,000 square foot business complex across Main Street that housed a Kawasaki dealership and the owner's sister's active wear shop is pretty much a total loss. The upside? Amid the debris of the ruined building and scattered brand new motorcycles, T-cat, the owner's kitty, had ridden out the tornado and lived to tell about it. The Lake Elmo Coin Op had no windows left, and most of the lettering had been ripped from the building. Fas-Break Glass is completely destroyed; the roof ripped off and thrown into nearby Alkali creek (along with a pick up truck) and siding torn off the walls down to the plywood covering the studs. The Main Street Casino and Restaurant is heavily damaged, along with McD's.
For reasons only the tornado knows, it skipped diagonally from the glass company, over the top of the small strip of stores with the Subway and the liquor store, bypassing the large, 3-story hotel that was sitting right there, and slammed into and danced on top of the Rim Rock Auto Arena in the Metrapark. This is the building where Billings holds all of its large venue concerts, rodeos, trade shows, and conventions. The Billings Outlaws - the arena football league team that we are all so very proud of - held its last regular season game there...the day before - on Saturday, with thousands of fans packed in. Most of the 97,263 square foot roof is gone or collapsed; the building is a total loss. It will have to be completely demolished and rebuilt because it is now structurely unsound.
The miraculous thing is - not one single reported injury. No one died. No homes were destroyed, although there was one home that got its front porch removed, and a few houses where skylights shattered and let in waterfalls of rain and hail; but considering what could have been...
So, there you have it. The cosmos literally moving heaven and earth to keep me from DQ.
Next time, a supportive phone call will do nicely. Thanks.
TTFN.
Tuesday, June 15, 2010
Another Day to Put My Best Foot Forward
It's 9:50am and the day could go downhill after this, but right now I feel great.
I feel positive.
I feel ready.
I feel prepared.
I was reading some of the blogs I follow and several of them said exactly what I needed to hear today; the two I found the most boosting were Jack Sh*t's (damn it's hard not to type that "I") and The Anti-Jared's (Monday's post). Thanks guys.
Last night after work I went grocery shopping. As I watched a little TV (well, to be honest, a little more than I had scheduled) I got out my food scale and the sandwich baggies and divided up all of my food into single servings and marked them with how many WW points each serving was. I'm not a current WW member, but I find the points system keeps me on track right now. I will be honest and say that I still don't make the most healthy choices - I kind of eat what I like and just make it work with the Points; that is something I plan to change with time. Right now my main focus is staying within the points every day; I will start rearranging my actual eating habits once I get that first step down.
I was able to grab my lunch painlessly as I was on my way out the door this morning, and that made me very happy and put a little spring in my step. Speaking of steps, I still have my walking sticks here at work and plan to walk around the warehouse again today.
I am going to best that I can today, and I'm not worrying about tomorrow until later. Right now, I need to do what I can in the moment that I am in, and that is how it is going to be.
I wish everyone the best; I know from reading some of your blogs that some of you are struggling with idiots out there that have no clue how hard your journey has been (and still is). Do not sell yourself short; it does not matter how you are making it happen - bypass, lap band, plain 'ol dieting, exercise, or a combination - one is not more noble than another. Each journey is as individual as a fingerprint. Every journey requires dedication, hard work, and sacrifice. Some have swift and short journeys, others take a lifetime to finally see results, most are somewhere in-between; the important thing is that you do the best you can in the way that works for you - and to hell with the people that don't "get it". That is their problem, not yours. Just remember - you may be fat now, but you are losing the weight. If they are an asshole now, they will probably be one for the rest of their lives. I know that makes ME feel better!
TTFN.
I feel positive.
I feel ready.
I feel prepared.
I was reading some of the blogs I follow and several of them said exactly what I needed to hear today; the two I found the most boosting were Jack Sh*t's (damn it's hard not to type that "I") and The Anti-Jared's (Monday's post). Thanks guys.
Last night after work I went grocery shopping. As I watched a little TV (well, to be honest, a little more than I had scheduled) I got out my food scale and the sandwich baggies and divided up all of my food into single servings and marked them with how many WW points each serving was. I'm not a current WW member, but I find the points system keeps me on track right now. I will be honest and say that I still don't make the most healthy choices - I kind of eat what I like and just make it work with the Points; that is something I plan to change with time. Right now my main focus is staying within the points every day; I will start rearranging my actual eating habits once I get that first step down.
I was able to grab my lunch painlessly as I was on my way out the door this morning, and that made me very happy and put a little spring in my step. Speaking of steps, I still have my walking sticks here at work and plan to walk around the warehouse again today.
I am going to best that I can today, and I'm not worrying about tomorrow until later. Right now, I need to do what I can in the moment that I am in, and that is how it is going to be.
I wish everyone the best; I know from reading some of your blogs that some of you are struggling with idiots out there that have no clue how hard your journey has been (and still is). Do not sell yourself short; it does not matter how you are making it happen - bypass, lap band, plain 'ol dieting, exercise, or a combination - one is not more noble than another. Each journey is as individual as a fingerprint. Every journey requires dedication, hard work, and sacrifice. Some have swift and short journeys, others take a lifetime to finally see results, most are somewhere in-between; the important thing is that you do the best you can in the way that works for you - and to hell with the people that don't "get it". That is their problem, not yours. Just remember - you may be fat now, but you are losing the weight. If they are an asshole now, they will probably be one for the rest of their lives. I know that makes ME feel better!
TTFN.
Monday, June 14, 2010
No, Seriously, I Really Am...
OK, I gained a pound this week; just one, and I am actually OK with that. I know, I know; the goal is to LOSE not GAIN, but just trust me; it's OK.
I have my day planner on hand today; I cleaned out the freezer yesterday and dumped all of the stuff that was all stuck together and/or in there since 2008. So basically the freezer is empty except for a couple of Smart Ones and Lean Cuisines. I have my grocery list in the day planner and will hit the grocery store on the way home. I will have my meals planned for the next several days (if I try to plan more than that, my brain locks up and shuts down, and that's bad mmmkay?). I have my TV watching planned through Wednesday so that I don't just turn on the boob tube when I get home and then velcro my butt to the couch for an Olympic round of channel surfing.
I am going to get with it come hell or high water. And I will be able to record a loss on my record of weigh-ins to the right, and I will feel good about it.
So there. Pfft.
TTFN.
I have my day planner on hand today; I cleaned out the freezer yesterday and dumped all of the stuff that was all stuck together and/or in there since 2008. So basically the freezer is empty except for a couple of Smart Ones and Lean Cuisines. I have my grocery list in the day planner and will hit the grocery store on the way home. I will have my meals planned for the next several days (if I try to plan more than that, my brain locks up and shuts down, and that's bad mmmkay?). I have my TV watching planned through Wednesday so that I don't just turn on the boob tube when I get home and then velcro my butt to the couch for an Olympic round of channel surfing.
I am going to get with it come hell or high water. And I will be able to record a loss on my record of weigh-ins to the right, and I will feel good about it.
So there. Pfft.
TTFN.
Saturday, June 12, 2010
A New Look For Da Blog
What do you think? I got bored with the format of this blog; it was so plain and stark, kind of like I felt when I started it. But I am starting to feel more hopeful and energized, and I noticed that Blogger has this new "design" feature, so I got to playing with it this morning and decided to give both of my blogs an update. This feels a little more like me. I hope you like it.
Since some of the stupid people in this neighborhood decided I had slept long enough this morning, I got up and tried to get going. I got to thinking about a conversation I had with Sissy the other day about how we don't seem to eat on the weekends (or on the days she doesn't work which is Monday-Thursday). Since those days for us do not have the structure of our work days, eating seems to take a back seat to whatever else we have going on that day. I have realized that without structure to my day, I become glued to the couch and the TV, aimlessly frittering my only free time away senselessly. I am tired of doing that. So, this morning I ran down to Office Max and got a refill for my DayTimer that I got a year or so ago to keep track of my newly diagnosed diabetes. The plan here is to combine my obsessive list making and desire for structure and put it to good use. I find that I do not plan my meals ahead of time, and that is bad, mmmkay? I intend to start planning my meals on a weekly basis so that I don't just leave it to chance and whatever I scrounge together every morning as I am running out the door to work. And if I make myself a structured plan for the weekend then I will not be eating only once a day at 4:30pm and be ordering pizza. So, that is my plan. Wish me luck.
A new follower to my blog, WarehouseActress, apparently noticed my penchant for being hard on myself and dared me to use my obsessive list making skills to make a list of all the things I like about myself. This is kind of hard because I really hate to give myself any credit for good things, lest someone feel that I am a jerk for blowing my own horn. Well, if you don't like it, tuff titties because I am going to take that dare. Here we go:
Since some of the stupid people in this neighborhood decided I had slept long enough this morning, I got up and tried to get going. I got to thinking about a conversation I had with Sissy the other day about how we don't seem to eat on the weekends (or on the days she doesn't work which is Monday-Thursday). Since those days for us do not have the structure of our work days, eating seems to take a back seat to whatever else we have going on that day. I have realized that without structure to my day, I become glued to the couch and the TV, aimlessly frittering my only free time away senselessly. I am tired of doing that. So, this morning I ran down to Office Max and got a refill for my DayTimer that I got a year or so ago to keep track of my newly diagnosed diabetes. The plan here is to combine my obsessive list making and desire for structure and put it to good use. I find that I do not plan my meals ahead of time, and that is bad, mmmkay? I intend to start planning my meals on a weekly basis so that I don't just leave it to chance and whatever I scrounge together every morning as I am running out the door to work. And if I make myself a structured plan for the weekend then I will not be eating only once a day at 4:30pm and be ordering pizza. So, that is my plan. Wish me luck.
A new follower to my blog, WarehouseActress, apparently noticed my penchant for being hard on myself and dared me to use my obsessive list making skills to make a list of all the things I like about myself. This is kind of hard because I really hate to give myself any credit for good things, lest someone feel that I am a jerk for blowing my own horn. Well, if you don't like it, tuff titties because I am going to take that dare. Here we go:
- I am a fun person. I love all things fun and spontaneous.
- I can be funny. Sometimes it's only me that laughs, but that is OK.
- I am loyal. It takes a lot of crap for me to turn my back on you.
- I am loving. I have a big heart and I have lots of love to give; if I think you need some, I am very generous with my supply.
- I am kind and empathetic. Some people don't get the difference between sympathy and empathy; I do, and I know how to use them properly in a sentence and in everyday life.
- I respect everyone on the planet as a fellow human being until they show me a reason why I should not.
- I love to hug.
- I am a really good driver.
- I am creative.
- I am patient. Most of the time. Usually.
- I am a "glass half full" type of person. I try to see the good in people and situations, and always try to give the other guy the benefit of the doubt.
- I can sing pretty well.
- I love beauty in nature, in all its forms.
- I believe in giving credit where credit is due.
- I do not see people in regards to their skin color, ethnic background, religion, sexual preference, country of origin, planet of origin, or anything else that can label you. I see you as human and that is all.
This is a lot harder than I thought!! Thanks, WarehouseActress! Now, I pass her dare along to all of you. When you feel like you are stupid or too fat or a failure, make your own list. Be proud of who you are.
TTFN.
Thursday, June 10, 2010
Maybe I Should Just Pay My Mom…
So, over on Jack Sh*t’s blog, he has been talking about this new do-hicky thing that helps him to get more exercise. I went to the website and checked it out myself. It’s actually pretty nifty. It costs $99 plus tax and shipping, and that buys you the electronic monitor thingy and four months of on-line personal coaching and access to all the bells and whistles on the website; then it’s $12.50 per month to keep it up. I emailed my sister to see what she thought about it.
Sis’s reply to my email: Hmmmmmm, kinda interesting. If you think it will help you, then I'm all for it!
I kind of expected a more enthusiastic response; but then I got to thinking about how she said, “If you think it will help you”, and that made me think…why do I need to pay for a little plastic thingy with lights on it to encourage me to move my body more? Why do I need to pay someone to tell me to move my body more? I already know that I need to get the body moving. Heck, my mom is always encouraging me (in her way, such as it is) to get out and be more active – maybe I should just pay her! Especially since I already owe her money! Joy!
I guess the little thingy appeals to me because I am some sort of visually responsive person. Maybe it’s why I compulsively make lists – I love being able to see that I have crossed things off. I like making graphs and posting charts and weight loss thermometers to track my weight loss (when I’m actually losing weight, that is) because I like seeing the lines move in the direction that indicates that I am doing well. I like the idea of seeing all the charts and graphs that would show my daily/weekly/monthly progress with the exercise thingy.
But do I really need that?
One of the things that really pisses me off about being overweight is all the money to be made from my personal struggle. There are self-help books and diet books and diet cookbooks and diet CDs and diet DVDs and on-line diet plans and diet clubs and exercise DVDs and exercise equipment and diet supplements and diet pills and powders and shakes and bars and frozen meals and gimmicks and gizmos and if you laid them all out end to end there wouldn’t be enough room for actual humans on the planet. And all of them want my money. And your money. And your spouse’s money. And your mother’s and your sister’s and your brother’s and your dog’s money. And 99.99992% of all of that junk either doesn’t work or actually boils down to the mysterious secret of true weight loss: stop stuffing your face with crap and move your ass. Of course, that can’t really be the true answer because if it was truly that simple then everybody would be doing it. Right? Can I get an Amen?
Now, I just want to be clear on one thing: I am not dissing anyone that uses anything listed above, or this nifty little do-hicky that Jack is currently using. Like my sister said, if you think it will help you…and I am 100% behind anything that actually helps. I have not closed the door on getting one of these little thingys and using it myself. And if Phillips actually offered me one for free (or at least free for the first four months), you know I would be jumping at it.
But since I am cripplingly broke and it doesn’t really make sense for me to spend cash money on this little exercise thingy when I can’t even afford to do Weight Watchers online and since I have had this epiphany that I have shared with you all – I have decided to do what I already know I need to do, and do it for free. I work in an office that is actually just a fancy walled off corner in a three story warehouse. I am going to start walking around inside the warehouse on this main floor during lunchtime, and will start to add in some stairs once I have built up some stamina. It’s not really safe to walk outside in this neighborhood, mostly because our building is right on a main street that is commonly mistaken for the Indy 500 and there are limited sidewalks that would need to be shared with some pedestrians of questionable character and hygiene habits. Also, this way I won’t be able to walk past my endurance’s point of no return, stranding myself somewhere down the street and not being able to walk back. It won’t be a lot of walking, but it will be 100% more than I have been doing.
I am actually looking forward to it. Weird, huh? I just might have to make a chart.
TTFN.
Sis’s reply to my email: Hmmmmmm, kinda interesting. If you think it will help you, then I'm all for it!
I kind of expected a more enthusiastic response; but then I got to thinking about how she said, “If you think it will help you”, and that made me think…why do I need to pay for a little plastic thingy with lights on it to encourage me to move my body more? Why do I need to pay someone to tell me to move my body more? I already know that I need to get the body moving. Heck, my mom is always encouraging me (in her way, such as it is) to get out and be more active – maybe I should just pay her! Especially since I already owe her money! Joy!
I guess the little thingy appeals to me because I am some sort of visually responsive person. Maybe it’s why I compulsively make lists – I love being able to see that I have crossed things off. I like making graphs and posting charts and weight loss thermometers to track my weight loss (when I’m actually losing weight, that is) because I like seeing the lines move in the direction that indicates that I am doing well. I like the idea of seeing all the charts and graphs that would show my daily/weekly/monthly progress with the exercise thingy.
But do I really need that?
One of the things that really pisses me off about being overweight is all the money to be made from my personal struggle. There are self-help books and diet books and diet cookbooks and diet CDs and diet DVDs and on-line diet plans and diet clubs and exercise DVDs and exercise equipment and diet supplements and diet pills and powders and shakes and bars and frozen meals and gimmicks and gizmos and if you laid them all out end to end there wouldn’t be enough room for actual humans on the planet. And all of them want my money. And your money. And your spouse’s money. And your mother’s and your sister’s and your brother’s and your dog’s money. And 99.99992% of all of that junk either doesn’t work or actually boils down to the mysterious secret of true weight loss: stop stuffing your face with crap and move your ass. Of course, that can’t really be the true answer because if it was truly that simple then everybody would be doing it. Right? Can I get an Amen?
Now, I just want to be clear on one thing: I am not dissing anyone that uses anything listed above, or this nifty little do-hicky that Jack is currently using. Like my sister said, if you think it will help you…and I am 100% behind anything that actually helps. I have not closed the door on getting one of these little thingys and using it myself. And if Phillips actually offered me one for free (or at least free for the first four months), you know I would be jumping at it.
But since I am cripplingly broke and it doesn’t really make sense for me to spend cash money on this little exercise thingy when I can’t even afford to do Weight Watchers online and since I have had this epiphany that I have shared with you all – I have decided to do what I already know I need to do, and do it for free. I work in an office that is actually just a fancy walled off corner in a three story warehouse. I am going to start walking around inside the warehouse on this main floor during lunchtime, and will start to add in some stairs once I have built up some stamina. It’s not really safe to walk outside in this neighborhood, mostly because our building is right on a main street that is commonly mistaken for the Indy 500 and there are limited sidewalks that would need to be shared with some pedestrians of questionable character and hygiene habits. Also, this way I won’t be able to walk past my endurance’s point of no return, stranding myself somewhere down the street and not being able to walk back. It won’t be a lot of walking, but it will be 100% more than I have been doing.
I am actually looking forward to it. Weird, huh? I just might have to make a chart.
TTFN.
Monday, June 7, 2010
From Frozen to Scorchin’
I haven’t posted anything lately because I’ve been a little frustrated, and it seems like I have had a huge word vacuum going full blast in my brain. I blame it on the crappy weather.
However, for the last few days I have been experiencing a small wave of rejuvenation for some reason, so I am running with it. I feel a little more in control, a little more excited, a little more inspired. (Blue – I think the ripples in my pond are getting close to shore! Or something like that.)
Anyhoo, one of the things I did this morning (from work – I love it when everyone is gone to sales conferences!!) is go to Dotti’s Weight Loss Zone website (www.dwlz.com) and print off the weight loss thermometer. Her website is like a carnival of weight loss stuff. It can be really helpful if you follow Weight Watcher’s Points plans, and there are lots of funny stories, pictures of her journey, product coupons, you name it.
As I mentioned before, I wanted to lose weight before my move back to Washington in July and I was really disappointed in myself for not making any progress. Well, my boss came to me on Friday and begged me to stay in Montana through the end of August. After some thought, I agreed. I think this is why I am feeling a little…relieved? I think that is probably the best word to describe how I’m feeling. I am not relieved to be postponing the actual move itself – I want to be in Washington with my family NOW! But, I do feel relieved in that I have been given more time; more time to lose weight, more time to pack. Whew!
My goal is to be under 300 lbs by September 1st. I think that is pretty reasonable and definitely attainable. So I printed off my weight loss thermometer and filled in the .6 drops in my weight that will be needed to reach the goal. I noticed that as I got closer and closer to writing in my goal weight (299.0) I could feel myself getting more and more excited. How funny is it that I get excited to just write the numbers? If that is what it takes to keep my momentum going, I will fill notebooks with them! All counting down from 330.2.
TTFN.
However, for the last few days I have been experiencing a small wave of rejuvenation for some reason, so I am running with it. I feel a little more in control, a little more excited, a little more inspired. (Blue – I think the ripples in my pond are getting close to shore! Or something like that.)
Anyhoo, one of the things I did this morning (from work – I love it when everyone is gone to sales conferences!!) is go to Dotti’s Weight Loss Zone website (www.dwlz.com) and print off the weight loss thermometer. Her website is like a carnival of weight loss stuff. It can be really helpful if you follow Weight Watcher’s Points plans, and there are lots of funny stories, pictures of her journey, product coupons, you name it.
As I mentioned before, I wanted to lose weight before my move back to Washington in July and I was really disappointed in myself for not making any progress. Well, my boss came to me on Friday and begged me to stay in Montana through the end of August. After some thought, I agreed. I think this is why I am feeling a little…relieved? I think that is probably the best word to describe how I’m feeling. I am not relieved to be postponing the actual move itself – I want to be in Washington with my family NOW! But, I do feel relieved in that I have been given more time; more time to lose weight, more time to pack. Whew!
My goal is to be under 300 lbs by September 1st. I think that is pretty reasonable and definitely attainable. So I printed off my weight loss thermometer and filled in the .6 drops in my weight that will be needed to reach the goal. I noticed that as I got closer and closer to writing in my goal weight (299.0) I could feel myself getting more and more excited. How funny is it that I get excited to just write the numbers? If that is what it takes to keep my momentum going, I will fill notebooks with them! All counting down from 330.2.
TTFN.
Tuesday, June 1, 2010
My MofO aha moment
Back in August 2009, I was invited by Mutual of Omaha to talk a little bit about my blog. I never got around to posting it, but here it is. If you wondered what I look/sound like, here you go.
Please to enjoy.
aha moment: big auntie learns how to get smaller.
Please to enjoy.
aha moment: big auntie learns how to get smaller.
Tuesday, May 25, 2010
What Is Fear?
Fear is an emotional response to a perceived threat. YourDictionary.com defines fear:
1. a feeling of anxiety and agitation caused by the presence or nearness of danger, evil, pain, etc.; timidity; dread; terror; fright; apprehension
2. respectful dread; awe; reverence
3. a feeling of uneasiness or apprehension; concern: a fear that it will rain
4. a cause for fear; possibility; chance: there was no fear of difficulty
So, what is it about fear that influences our lives? I am not talking about phobias (did you know that the fear of peanut butter sticking to the roof of your mouth is called Arachibutyrophobia?); I am talking about fear as outlined in the definition above.
Fear can dominate, drive, ruin, save, build, or break you. It can spur you on, or it can paralyze you. Sometimes fears are imaginary; sometimes they were very real but in the past; sometimes they are very real and very much in the now. Sometimes others can save us from our fears; sometimes only we can save ourselves. For some, fear plays little or no part in life – some may argue they are the lucky ones, some may feel that those people have missed something important in their experience. Some have lived lives in a constant state of it and have been destroyed by it; others have emerged strong and triumphant.
What about you? What role has fear played in your life?
For me, I believe it was a big shaping tool in my life. I was never abused as a child and my childhood was, for the most part, happy and worry free. I was one of those that could be considered lucky. But I was a fearful child. I am told that I was somewhat timid and shy; when I see pictures of myself as a child, this surprises me. In some of my favorite pictures I look like trouble on a stick. I often wonder, what happened to me to make me develop such a fearful personality? And when did this happen? I have no memory of it, and no one else in the family seems to know what I am talking about.
We moved around a lot when I was growing up, and I always seemed to be starting a new school. The first day was always torture. I was afraid that I would not live up to the new teacher’s expectations, that I would suddenly be struck stupid and everyone would know about it; I was afraid that I wouldn’t know anyone in my new class (when attending the same school more than one year in a row) and that no one would like me. After a while, these fears would subside and I would get used to the new routine of things. Except for one year when I was in the 5th grade and I could not get situated in the school I was attending in Monroe, WA. I was almost pathologically terrified and was basically home schooled for a while until I could cope. It was in the middle of moving from my beloved little Oklahoma town back to California, and my mother and I were staying with my grandmother while my father tried to sell and buy homes, figure out his employment status, and deal with the storage and moving companies. It was too much for me and I just…shut down.
Also, I was raised in an atmosphere of fear and conditional love that was used to keep unwanted behavior, thoughts and actions at bay. I won’t go into that right now as I don’t really feel comfortable talking about it, but suffice it to say that it influences me to this day.
Every once in a while I surprise myself. I left all of my family behind in Oregon 10 years ago to move, all by myself, to Montana. I didn’t know a single soul in Missoula; but I did it anyway. At 32, I thought this may be my last or only chance to have some sort of adventure in life. Fear was there, my constant traveling companion along with my trusty road atlas, and in this case it helped to spur me on and helped to keep me safe. And it wisely kept its mouth shut when I needed it to, in order to trust the strangers that were there to help me when my truck blew its radiator 65 miles from Missoula and I was stuck on the side of the road with no cell phone, and no one to call even if I had one, for hours. I rode high on the crest of the wave that was true self-reliance for a few weeks, but then fear found its way back into my life and has held me captive, again, hiding in my home with only the TV and pizza delivery as my guardians. Oh, occasionally it mercifully allows me to go for long drives with my camera, or enjoy a visit with my family, but often when I am alone with my thoughts it wraps itself around me like cigarette smoke and gets into my brain, my heart, and my clothes.
And what is so incredibly frustrating about fear is that it doesn’t always tell you what it is that you are supposed to be afraid of. This is what I suffer from. I live in a constant state of fear, but I don’t know WHY. All I know is that it is paralyzing for me. I can’t live my life, I can’t lose weight, I can’t open my mail, etc. Why? What is this fear trying to tell me? I think that fear can be like cancer: it starts off healthy – fear is normal, and it keeps us from getting killed; cancer cells start out like any other regular cells in the body. But something goes awry; signals that it’s OK to stop being afraid can’t get through and fear starts to run amok in our systems. It becomes twisted and dark, dangerous and life threatening. If it is caught early enough, it can be treated and turned back; tamed if you will. But sometimes…well, it doesn’t get caught (or is caught and doesn't give a crap) and is free to run rampant and ruin lives from the inside out.
Fear stops me from losing weight. Why? I don’t know. My mother thinks that I am afraid that if I lose the weight, I might attract someone, fall in love, and be devastatingly hurt like I was in the past (my last relationship was headed for marriage but he left me for my mentor that was 16 years older than us). I think there is some of that in there, but I am also afraid that perhaps it isn’t the fact that I am not physically attractive to the men I meet that keeps me from building a relationship with someone; what if it’s ME? I am also afraid that since the last time I had a boyfriend was literally 25 years ago, I don’t know how to talk to someone. I feel socially retarded; I don’t know anything about life except how to order pizza online and be very good at customer service. I have no college stories to share since I never got to go; I don’t really have any unique skills other than usually being able to program my own DVD player; what do I have to contribute to a conversation? If it’s not about funny dog stories (I have a few) or the latest NFL game or Biggest Loser episode, then I’m doomed.
If I lose weight I might be expected to be more than I am. I am afraid that once I am able to start buying clothes that don’t have an X in the size, I will start dressing inappropriately and wind up on the peopleofwalmart.com website or similar. I fear that now that I won’t be invisible because of my hugeness that people will expect me to have something profound to say, and I will just be standing there in my outfit more appropriate for someone that is 20 years younger than me, exposing my tattoos and belly button ring, with that “deer in the headlights” look on my face. Everyone will see that I am a fake, a fraud; will say “I knew her when she was fat and she was funnier and much more interesting”.
What if I lose it all, change my life, and then gain it all back?
I am afraid that I will be afraid for the rest of my life. I don’t want to be afraid anymore.
How do I do it? How how how how how how how…. And what if I…can’t?
1. a feeling of anxiety and agitation caused by the presence or nearness of danger, evil, pain, etc.; timidity; dread; terror; fright; apprehension
2. respectful dread; awe; reverence
3. a feeling of uneasiness or apprehension; concern: a fear that it will rain
4. a cause for fear; possibility; chance: there was no fear of difficulty
So, what is it about fear that influences our lives? I am not talking about phobias (did you know that the fear of peanut butter sticking to the roof of your mouth is called Arachibutyrophobia?); I am talking about fear as outlined in the definition above.
Fear can dominate, drive, ruin, save, build, or break you. It can spur you on, or it can paralyze you. Sometimes fears are imaginary; sometimes they were very real but in the past; sometimes they are very real and very much in the now. Sometimes others can save us from our fears; sometimes only we can save ourselves. For some, fear plays little or no part in life – some may argue they are the lucky ones, some may feel that those people have missed something important in their experience. Some have lived lives in a constant state of it and have been destroyed by it; others have emerged strong and triumphant.
What about you? What role has fear played in your life?
For me, I believe it was a big shaping tool in my life. I was never abused as a child and my childhood was, for the most part, happy and worry free. I was one of those that could be considered lucky. But I was a fearful child. I am told that I was somewhat timid and shy; when I see pictures of myself as a child, this surprises me. In some of my favorite pictures I look like trouble on a stick. I often wonder, what happened to me to make me develop such a fearful personality? And when did this happen? I have no memory of it, and no one else in the family seems to know what I am talking about.
We moved around a lot when I was growing up, and I always seemed to be starting a new school. The first day was always torture. I was afraid that I would not live up to the new teacher’s expectations, that I would suddenly be struck stupid and everyone would know about it; I was afraid that I wouldn’t know anyone in my new class (when attending the same school more than one year in a row) and that no one would like me. After a while, these fears would subside and I would get used to the new routine of things. Except for one year when I was in the 5th grade and I could not get situated in the school I was attending in Monroe, WA. I was almost pathologically terrified and was basically home schooled for a while until I could cope. It was in the middle of moving from my beloved little Oklahoma town back to California, and my mother and I were staying with my grandmother while my father tried to sell and buy homes, figure out his employment status, and deal with the storage and moving companies. It was too much for me and I just…shut down.
Also, I was raised in an atmosphere of fear and conditional love that was used to keep unwanted behavior, thoughts and actions at bay. I won’t go into that right now as I don’t really feel comfortable talking about it, but suffice it to say that it influences me to this day.
Every once in a while I surprise myself. I left all of my family behind in Oregon 10 years ago to move, all by myself, to Montana. I didn’t know a single soul in Missoula; but I did it anyway. At 32, I thought this may be my last or only chance to have some sort of adventure in life. Fear was there, my constant traveling companion along with my trusty road atlas, and in this case it helped to spur me on and helped to keep me safe. And it wisely kept its mouth shut when I needed it to, in order to trust the strangers that were there to help me when my truck blew its radiator 65 miles from Missoula and I was stuck on the side of the road with no cell phone, and no one to call even if I had one, for hours. I rode high on the crest of the wave that was true self-reliance for a few weeks, but then fear found its way back into my life and has held me captive, again, hiding in my home with only the TV and pizza delivery as my guardians. Oh, occasionally it mercifully allows me to go for long drives with my camera, or enjoy a visit with my family, but often when I am alone with my thoughts it wraps itself around me like cigarette smoke and gets into my brain, my heart, and my clothes.
And what is so incredibly frustrating about fear is that it doesn’t always tell you what it is that you are supposed to be afraid of. This is what I suffer from. I live in a constant state of fear, but I don’t know WHY. All I know is that it is paralyzing for me. I can’t live my life, I can’t lose weight, I can’t open my mail, etc. Why? What is this fear trying to tell me? I think that fear can be like cancer: it starts off healthy – fear is normal, and it keeps us from getting killed; cancer cells start out like any other regular cells in the body. But something goes awry; signals that it’s OK to stop being afraid can’t get through and fear starts to run amok in our systems. It becomes twisted and dark, dangerous and life threatening. If it is caught early enough, it can be treated and turned back; tamed if you will. But sometimes…well, it doesn’t get caught (or is caught and doesn't give a crap) and is free to run rampant and ruin lives from the inside out.
Fear stops me from losing weight. Why? I don’t know. My mother thinks that I am afraid that if I lose the weight, I might attract someone, fall in love, and be devastatingly hurt like I was in the past (my last relationship was headed for marriage but he left me for my mentor that was 16 years older than us). I think there is some of that in there, but I am also afraid that perhaps it isn’t the fact that I am not physically attractive to the men I meet that keeps me from building a relationship with someone; what if it’s ME? I am also afraid that since the last time I had a boyfriend was literally 25 years ago, I don’t know how to talk to someone. I feel socially retarded; I don’t know anything about life except how to order pizza online and be very good at customer service. I have no college stories to share since I never got to go; I don’t really have any unique skills other than usually being able to program my own DVD player; what do I have to contribute to a conversation? If it’s not about funny dog stories (I have a few) or the latest NFL game or Biggest Loser episode, then I’m doomed.
If I lose weight I might be expected to be more than I am. I am afraid that once I am able to start buying clothes that don’t have an X in the size, I will start dressing inappropriately and wind up on the peopleofwalmart.com website or similar. I fear that now that I won’t be invisible because of my hugeness that people will expect me to have something profound to say, and I will just be standing there in my outfit more appropriate for someone that is 20 years younger than me, exposing my tattoos and belly button ring, with that “deer in the headlights” look on my face. Everyone will see that I am a fake, a fraud; will say “I knew her when she was fat and she was funnier and much more interesting”.
What if I lose it all, change my life, and then gain it all back?
I am afraid that I will be afraid for the rest of my life. I don’t want to be afraid anymore.
How do I do it? How how how how how how how…. And what if I…can’t?
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