Aaaaaaaaand....she's back.

Hello campers. La-de-dah.

Did you think I fell off the face of the earth? Or had given up? Or died?

Nothing as dramatic as any of those. I just kinda lost my blogging mojo, especially since I didn’t have anything positive or interesting to blog about. Still fat; still not following a good diet; still diabetic; still in denial.

But…I sense a change in the air (or is that dog poop? No, it’s change.*checks bottom of shoes* Definitely change.).

 

Why? Why now after all this time?

I dunno. Maybe because it’s time. The right time. My time.

I guess I’m just finally ready.

I have managed to lose 35lbs since this time last year. Yay me! I also managed to slide on (without the aid of any type of lubrication) a pair of pants that I haven’t been able to get over my hips in the last two and a half years. Yay! And, suddenly I can climb stairs! I have to attend a weekly department meeting at work, every Tuesday. I dread them, not just because there are only eight people participating and it’s really hard to hide that fact that you are snoring when there are only eight people at the table, but I have to climb a big honking flight of narrow stairs to get to the meeting room. I used to climb stairs like so: right foot on bottom step, left foot joins, right foot on next step, grab both handrails and PULLLLLL, left foot joins right foot on second step; lather, rinse, repeat until reaching top of stairs, 10 minutes later and completely out of breath. This is how I climbed the stairs this last Tuesday: left hand on handrail, right foot on first stair, left foot on second stair, right foot on third stair, etc. until I reached the top of the stairs in less than 30 seconds and still had enough air to speak to someone when I reached the top! Holy moly!

I don’t really know the reason why this happened. I’m still eating out, still eating junk food, still eating sugar. Just not so much of it. I’ve been eating the same breakfast for a while now: two pieces of French toast, no butter, and just dipping the bread into a little 2.1oz cuplette (is that a word?) of syrup instead of pouring two of them over everything (and then throwing away at least half of the syrup); and two slices of bacon. I eat this at my desk at work. When lunchtime comes around, I find I’m really not that hungry. I may eat half a sandwich with a small bag of chips; or have a cup of soup and a bagel. We have decided as a group at home that dinner is pretty much “fend for yourself”. Sis just is not well enough to cook a big meal when she’s home, I won’t do it, and neither will the bro-in-law. Sis is away more than she’s home, so Les and I just do our own thing for dinner. Sometimes I just have a bowl of cereal (or a box, depends on the cereal), or a few pieces of toast, or a couple of frozen burritos. I get home so late – usually within two hours of going to bed – that I just don’t feel like eating a ton of stuff that is probably going to give me acid reflux. I’m drinking more water. That’s it really.

I found a book that really spoke to me: “The Diabetes Miracle” by Diane Kress. I know I have said this before, and this book is not particularly revolutionary or anything, it just…felt like it was for me. This book does not claim to cure diabetes or reverse it. It’s really like a nutrition coach in book form (which is what I need – so far I have not found anyone to talk to in person that has been remotely close to this helpful). It explains very well what the hell your body is doing when it is diabetic, how to lose weight in a healthful way and keep it off, and basically how to live with this disease that is overwhelming at times. This is not a diet book for losing weight. This is a book about how to eat to take back some control over your malfunctioning body and get it working the way it’s supposed to again.

It starts with step one: eight weeks of eating a lower-carb diet that helps to rest and “rehab” your pancreas and liver. This will be difficult for me, but it won’t kill me. Step two: reintroducing healthy carbs into your diet. You learn which carbs have the greatest impact on your blood sugar, and your body overall, and why. Step three: reaching your goal weight and seeing improved blood sugar control, better blood pressure and cholesterol levels.

I don’t know why this particular book seems to have clicked. I have been excited about diet books before, but never got past the planning-the-meals stage or stuck to it for longer than a week. I am just quietly determined about this. It kind of gave me real hope that I could get off the blood sugar meds without being all “rah-rah-rah-ziss-boom-bah” about the whole thing.

We shall see what happens. I promise not to stay away and will keep you informed on how it’s all going. There may be pictures.

Maybe.

Hope you are all well out there!

This Week's Progress

Today’s post comes with a TMI warning. If you are uncomfortable with discussing the potential affects of diet changes on the human colon, please proceed with caution.

I feel I made some progress this week with my baby step changes. I had one 12oz can of diet Coke in the extremely early hours of Thursday morning (you can read about why on my non-weight loss blog - see list on my side bar) and one 20oz diet Dr. Pepper that I spread across two days. Does that mean it counts as two? I normally would have wolfed the entire 20oz in one sitting, so I kind of feel that it counts as two halves of one soda. In any case, it’s about 60oz less this week than in the past. I also drank more plain water than water with sugar-free flavor powder added. Now to extend this accomplishment into next week.

I did great with the sugar intake until yesterday and today, and to be honest, I don’t want to talk about it. Suffice it to say, I’d like a word with Kellogg’s to find out why they have waited until now to introduce Buttery Toffee Rice Krispies Treats. Bastards.

I am now going to talk about fiber (and this is where the TMI warning comes into play).

I have discovered that my body responds to fiber in my diet the same way I respond to a spider in the bathtub: Oh my god. What is that? Is that…GAHHHH!!! Kill it! Kill it! KILL IT KILL IT KILL IT!!! GAAAHHH! DROWN IT WITH SCALDING HOT WATER! OH MY GOD NOW IT’S FLOATING ON THE WATER! SET FIRE TO THE WATER! SET FIRE TO THE BATHTUB! RUN FOR YOUR LIFE! GAAAHHHH!!!

I added fiber to my diet thusly: one orange, two servings of raw carrots, and two apples. Over four days. The fourth day, Wednesday, at around 2pm, I was in the small bathroom tucked away behind the stock shelves in the lab at work. Holy molten butt-lava, Batman. Fortunately, the loud air exchange fans that are running back in that part of the lab covered my whimpers of pain and shock and the wild elephant noises. It’s also a good thing that this is a private, one-holer, as trying to quietly have explosive diarrhea in a public restroom is pretty near impossible. As I perched on the seat in as close to the fetal position as I could manage, watching the paint peel from the walls, I thought – what the hell? I knew that if I ate a salad everyday, I could experience this. But just a couple of apples, carrots, and a single orange? REALLY?

I didn’t let it stop me though. The next day was weird (again I refer to you my other blog), but on Friday I had a salad with some soup (with potatoes and corn) as well as another apple for lunch. I was bloated and probably could have powered my vehicle home just by putting my butt out the window, but I survived. I’m hoping that this will clear itself up in time. If not, well, I’ll figure something out.

Hopefully the weather will hold out this weekend for me to get some outdoor exercise in. If not, I will dig out my “walking in place” DVD, puff the dust off of it, and put it to good use.

I plan to keep with the baby steps and then add a few more. Hang in there with me, and please pass the extra soft Charmin.

Cheers. Thanks a lot.

PS – Just for fun, here is a picture of me and my mom circa 1967 when I was seven months old. Do I look like trouble or what? And isn’t my mom gorgeous?

A Whole Bunch of Little Baby Steps

I’m only through the first chapter of Crazy Sexy Diet, and although I know I will never be a vegetarian, a lot of the information I am reading is motivating me to make changes in my life. Here are some of the goals I am setting for right now:

• Add more fresh fruits and vegetables to my every day eating. I have added at least one orange or apple every day so far; I have had carrots for snacks instead of cookies or a candy bar at that dreaded 4pm wall I hit every day and, so far, I have been enjoying them. I plan to start adding salads a couple days a week until I can get acclimated to them; hopefully this will keep the (how do I put this delicately?) colon issues to a minimum.
• Limiting myself to two (2) diet sodas per week. This may not sound so great, but only having two per week instead of the five to ten per week that I’ve been drinking – and trying to convince myself that it’s not a lot – is big.
• For every bottle of water I drink that has a sugar-free flavored powder added to it, I will drink one that is plain.
• I will test my blood sugar every day at least once. I prefer twice, but once is more than I have been doing. I will keep a chart of the results so I can show my doctor, and it will also help me keep track of how my new way of living is affecting it.
• I will journal what I eat every day. I tried this with Weight Watchers and I was rubbish at it. I found a free app for my awesome Kindle Fire called “Lose It!” – it is also accessible online and is similar to the Weight Watchers online program. I have a hard time getting online with my home computer (I mostly blog from work – shhhhh…) so I rarely logged what I ate for dinner or what I ate on weekends because my internet connection for my home PC is so incredibly slow (I have to use a wireless connection for it since it’s in my bedroom and the main modem is in the dining room). This way I can log my food from my super awesome Kindle which has zero issues with the wireless connection, and I can even log it from a restaurant where I am actually eating! I have already joined a challenge that starts March 1st that is to only weigh myself on the 1st and 15th of the month.

That’s it for now. Like I said, they are baby steps, but it is how I need to do it. If I jump in whole hog and make too many changes at once, I become overwhelmed and I quit. I know this about myself; I own it; now I will work with it and not let it stop me.

I feel motivated and positive. I am doing this one day at a time; not striving for perfection, just for better than yesterday. I am willing to accept that to get what I want, I may have to do some things I don’t want to do (exercise, eat veggies not crap). The results, however, will be well worth the effort.

I’ll keep you informed!

TTFN

Crazy Sexy...me?

I don’t normally do book reviews on this blog. This is because the blog is about my struggle with weight loss and my overall health issues. And to be perfectly honest, I mostly read diet books for their entertainment value (you expect me to eat WHAT? Ah hahahahahahahahaha. Wipes tear of laughter.) However, I am making an exception here because this is not going to be so much a “book review” as an “evaluation” of sorts. Does that make sense? Let me explain.

I am currently reading and making my way through Crazy Sexy Diet by Kris Carr. I just started it, and I have to say that I am actually intrigued. For those of you who may not know who she is, you may recognize the title of the film she made for TLC: Crazy Sexy Cancer. (If you have not watched it, I strongly recommend it. You can order the DVD from Netflix.) Back in 2003, Kris was diagnosed with epithelioid hemangio-endothelioma (EHE) that affects less than 0.01 percent of the population. The upside of the diagnosis is that it is a slow mover, so it wasn’t an immediate death sentence, but it is still definitely a potential life shortener for sure.

Kris decided that she wasn’t just going to accept this and play the dying victim. She decided to get educated, take control, and kick ass. And she has.

If you do know about Kris Carr, then you know that her lifestyle is vegetarian, or even vegan. And for anyone that knows me, they will be laughing their heads off at the idea of me reading and seriously contemplating her book. Because, if you haven’t read it here before, I hate vegetables. And the few that I can tolerate, don’t like me. However, after just reading the first eight pages, I feel like she is talking to me. I kind of feel my mind opening up to this. Admittedly, this happens quite often when I read a new diet book; but this time it just feels…different.

So, I thought that since following this lifestyle plan would be a humongous undertaking for me, instead of just doing a book review after I’ve read the whole thing, I would do it in pieces. I’ll let you in on the insights I am scouring from her book and share them with you in real time as I make the effort to incorporate some new things into my life, and how they are affecting me and challenging me.

Here is what I have so far:

I am one of the living dead. And I don’t make that statement trying to cash in on our zombie-infused entertainment world. I mean “living dead” because I just seem to shuffle from bed to work to home to bed in a consistent, mindless state. My life is a grind with little enjoyment, and I seem to be stuck on replay. There are only so many hours in the day, and I don’t seem to use any of my free time for things that bring me joy; and I sure as heck don’t experience any joy from the rest of my waking time. This has to change.

There are many things that are out of my control, but I have a lot of power over my health, happiness and life – and it all starts with my mouth. What I put in it, and the words that come out of it, determines my destiny. One of the reasons I have often given for my horrible eating habits is that my life feels like it is so out of control, and the only thing I feel I have any control over is what I eat. So I eat what I damn well please, whatever gives me comfort and/or happiness. Unfortunately, none of it is good for me, and in reality, it doesn’t really give me happiness. I may feel happy while I’m eating it, but later on I regret my decisions on what I ate, feel guilty or gross for having eaten it, and in the end feel only despair. No joy. No happiness. No sense of well-being. Just hate, revulsion, and disgust. Which then makes me want to eat. Cripes.

Waiting around for someone else to fix my woes is playing a risky game of roulette – and I have been incredibly lucky so far. But one day, most likely sooner than later, that chamber is not going to come up empty.

Hello CEO of Save My Ass Technologies, Inc.

Kris refers to what ails us as our “shit pickle”. I absolutely love that! What is my shit pickle? Obesity, depression, type 2 diabetes, PCOS, mitral valve prolapse, pitting edema, dry skin, rosacea, fatigue, sleep apnea, back pain, chronic migraines, IBS, acid reflux, and impending menopause. Wow. That is a whole jar of shit pickles.

Kris’s book is more than just what to put in your mouth; it is a whole lifestyle, and I guess that is what appeals to me. It’s not just giving up some stuff for a while to lose weight, then trying to keep it off. It’s not just about counting calories, or fat grams, or carbs; it’s exercise, meditation, and self-affirmations to last for the rest of your life. Your healthier, hopefully longer, life. (I will have to say this, though, since I always pledge to be perfectly honest on this blog: the tag line “including a 21-day adventure cleanse” made me laugh so hard. The words “adventure” and “cleanse” are scary when paired together. My mind plays a little movie wherein the star (me) is out on a safari somewhere, squirting everything she has ever eaten since age 4 out her backside for three weeks, emerging from her hut sweaty, hollow-eyed, and not being able to sit down normally for another three weeks while her hiney-hole heals. How does one do this adventure when you have hour-long commutes to and from a full time job that requires that you not spend six of your eight paid hours in the bathroom making rhinoceros noises?)

I’ll keep you informed!

PS – I just wanted to make perfectly clear that I am in no way being compensated for anything I write about Kris Carr’s book.

The Big Wake-up Call

First, let me say THANKS to everyone that checked out this blog because they were checking out my other blog which was linked to the Grow Your Blog Party over on 2 Bags Full’s blog. Vicki is awesome for setting that up, and all her volunteers that helped out are awesome too! Welcome to any new followers!

Ok everyone. Get out your pointing fingers and get ready to wag them at me in a vicious manner.

Ready?

About three weeks ago, I checked my blood sugar. I don’t do it very often because the supplies are expensive and I am lazy and not good about doing positive things for myself (vicious finger wag #1). Normally my BS (that’s blood sugar, not bull poop) runs around 150ish. Imagine my surprise when my monitor counted down and showed the results: 550.

Wha…???

Well, that couldn’t be right.

I immediately retested: 399.

OK. This dumb monitor must need new batteries.

I mentioned it to my sister the next day, and she told me to get my butt over to Les’s basket o’pills-n-stuff and use his monitor; his has fresh batteries and is very accurate. Results?

Over 500. Again.

Hmmmm… Is that a slight panicky feeling I have in my stomach?

The next day I went to the walk-in clinic that is open on Saturdays and explained to the receptionist what was happening. She relayed this to the nurse nearby, and the nurse said, “Oh no. Tell her to go to the ER, don’t tell her to come here.” I got the nurse’s attention and explained that I was already here, and that those readings were from two days earlier. After waiting for a few hours to be seen, I got to see the most lovely little old Scottish doctor ever put on this earth. He was a hoot and a half! Anyhoo he agreed that this was NOT GOOD and kindly reminded me that I had many of the warning signs of a diabetic coma (increased thirst, increased urination, drowsiness, headache, and ketones) and that comas typically occur when blood sugar reaches 600 or more (if sustained, rarely if just a one-off). I have no idea how long my blood sugar had been that high, but I had been dying of thirst and peeing my brains out for at least four weeks. (Great, big, super-vicious finger wag here.) He put me on Metformin ASAP and it started bringing it down. It has now been running in the 170ish range, which is still way too high.

I finally have health insurance now (it kicked in on Monday), so I will be making an appointment with an endocrinologist for the first one I can get. I only have about six more days of pills left, and I can’t get a refill because they were prescribed by the walk-in clinic.

Am I in denial anymore? Nope. I have got to take care of myself. I don’t want to be hospitalized in a coma, or lose my eyesight, or appendages, and I don’t want to wind up on dialysis or need a kidney transplant. My mother will kill me.

Speaking of eyesight, you know what’s really weird? My eyesight did change for about three weeks – FOR THE BETTER. I am nearly legally blind in my right eye without glasses or contacts. I have worn glasses for about 35 years because I can only see about a yard or so before everything becomes too fuzzy. I cannot read billboards or road signs without them, and I have no depth perception. I can see vehicles but can’t tell you if they are cars or trucks, and sometimes I can’t even tell what color they are. Now, get this: for the last three weeks I have been able to drive without my glasses. I see perfectly fine, can read signs, etc. I can read the subtitles we use on the TV (because I swear to God everyone in our house is FREAKING DEAF) from the dining room – a good 15 feet away – without my glasses. On a few occasions, if something seemed a little blurry, I would close one eye then the other to see which one was causing the problem – and my right eye would be clearer and sharper than my left. WHAT THE FRACK???

I have a brain tumor, don’t I?

I’d like to say THANK YOU to everyone that leaves me comments; you just don’t know how much I appreciate them. I got a really great one from Laurie at 111 LaLa Lane on my last post; she put her cleats on and kicked my big, fat hiney with them. I’m going to check out the book she recommended and I’ll let you know what I think.

In the meantime, please don’t be like me. Take care of yourself; treat your body right ‘cause it’s the only one you’ve got. Your family would miss you. I don’t know why it’s so hard for me to take care of myself, but I’d better figure it out pretty damn quick and get busy doing it!

I’ll keep you updated.

TTFN.

I So Incredibly Suck At This

God – I am such a loser, and not in the way I want to be.

Remember when I said that I was going on the “cut out sugar” train? Read that there book about only 100 sugar calories a day and was all motivated and stuff? Yeah, well, that train derailed about 1/10th of a mile down the track.

I have ZERO self-discipline. What the hell is wrong with me? Why can’t I do the things I KNOW I need to do in order to help myself, keep myself healthy, heck – keep myself from dying? What is my problem?

I don’t have any freakin’ idea.

I could write my own diet tip book; I know it all. I just. can’t. do it.

It’s making me crazy.

Image: thefunnyblog.org

I guess I’m still in denial (Hell, I’m in so deep that I need hipwaders). That and I guess I’m still waiting for the magic pill that will make me suddenly crave kale and mung beans and that will make me wake up 30 days down the line in a big puddle of fat, and I have to call in sick for a week while I go shopping for a new wardrobe because I am now a size 2; or that magic eating plan that includes massive quantities of Mini-Chewy SweeTarts, chicken enchiladas and Diet Coke; or I’m waiting for my Mom to do it for me like she always does with so many other things at which I fail (seriously, I didn’t know how to properly wrap a present until I was, like, 30 because she would see what I was doing and snatch it away from me with a sigh and a mighty “Let me do that for you”.).

Or some combo of all of the above.

Well, it’s a new year but I am not a maker of resolutions. I am a speed-resolution breaker and hold several records, especially when it comes to resolutions about diet and exercise. Why don’t you look surprised? Instead I am going to make some goals for this year; goals that may start out general, but then become more defined as I go along. I need to sit down and think about them a little more before I post them here; so far all I have is “Eat better stuff and less crap” and “Move your body more, even if it hurts”. Those are just a little too general, even for me.

One thing I don’t want to do is follow some particular plan. I cannot seem to get myself to follow them, and as soon as I make any sort of commitment, whether said out loud or just to myself, I can feel myself being strangled by the whole thing – pages of the diet book form a noose around my neck and I bleed out all of my willpower through a series of paper cuts, or it is chicken enchilada day at the café at the mill and it’s vaya con dios to the whole plan.

As for exercise, I need to dig out my walking-in-place DVD and just do it; don’t let it bother me that, with every step I take in place in my bedroom, I know that the lamps in the living room are bouncing and it sounds like hippos are doing the Couch to 5K challenge at the back of the house. I have started a new savings plan and I’d like to use the money to buy a gym-quality treadmill. Or even just a home gym-quality one. Used even. This way the whole family could use it; Les has a tendency to walk past his point-of-no-return and is falling more these days, and it is very unsafe to go walking down the road we live on. Sis could use it when she’s home, and if we keep it in the hallway instead of my room I probably won’t use it to hang clothes on. Probably.

So, that is it for now. I just wanted to let you all know I’m still alive and say Happy New Year to you all. Thanks for sticking with me (why are you sticky? Hey, is that caramel on your fingers?) and listening to me whine. I know I will get my poop in a group one day, and then you can say – Hey! I read her blog! She finally did it. Who knew she had it in her?

TTFN.

PS – please feel free to share your goals for 2014 in the comments!

PPS - please don't hate me, but I've taken down my "before" pictures. They are just too depressing when you factor in the horror that my "after" pictures are fatter than the "before" pictures. I will put up new ones soon that reflect the honesty of where I am now. I promise.

Carbs and sugar - get thee behind me!

Sorry it’s been so long since my last post. The truth is I just haven’t had anything positive to post about. Lately I’ve just been in “don’t gain” mode as opposed to “let’s lose” mode.

One of my biggest problems is carbs. Oh you freakishly little tasty saboteurs you. I love just about anything with carbs in them, and sugar is my No. 1 nasty habit.

I have trouble with many kinds of fruit – it makes my ear canals itch like the devil waaaaay down deep inside. I just want to shove a bottle brush in there so deep it touches my brain. Strawberries, peaches, bananas, plums, apricots, and nectarines all affect me that way when they are fresh. If they are frozen, canned, or cooked (in breads, cakes, or pies, for example) I don’t have any issues. But, I adore fruit, so I eat fresh oranges or tangerines, apples, and other berries and enjoy those other fruits in yogurt or out of a can. This is problematic since I am a type 2 diabetic and need to eat fruit in moderation. Not usually a problem, unless I am “dieting”. Since I try to cut out the crap when I “diet”, I turn to fruit as a substitute for candy, etc.

Diabetic induced coma, anyone?

I don’t eat a lot of cake or pie, or even ice cream for that matter; but give me a pile of Good & Plenty’s or sour cherry balls or Bottlecaps and I’m in heaven. I have recently (well, over the last year or so) gotten into the bad habit of having candy right before bed. I take my daily pills at night, and they don’t always go down very smoothly, so I need to eat something with them to make sure they go down. So I have been having a handful or two (or 12) of candy.

I should be eating Dum Dums because then the name would be appropriate to the action.

I thought that eating crackers or similar would be better, but it’s really not since I eat more than half the box.

Sigh…..

To combat this, I have checked out from the library “The 100” by Jorge Cruise. **Let me state, right here and now, that this is not an endorsement of Jorge Cruise, his diets eating plans, books, websites, products, or anything else. I have not been paid with cash money or in any way compensated by him or any affiliate of his to write about this book on my blog.** I need to do something to break the carbohydrate hold on me, and I’m hoping that this plan may give me the boost I am looking for. Basically, the jist is that you only count sugar calories (total carbs per serving multiplied by 4) and you only get 100 of them per day. There are lists of “freebies” – most veggies, meats, cheeses, fats, etc., meal plans, a few recipes, scary lists of foods you would think are OK that have over 100 sugar calories in just a single serving, and a lot of quotes from scientists and basic rah-rah speak. And the good news is that you don’t have to stick to just 100 sugar calories a day forever; eventually you can work your way up to 300 sugar calories per day. The 100 calorie plan says you can lose up to 18lbs in two weeks (for those who want/need to lose 30-60lbs), but you can still lose 1-2 lbs per week at the 300 calorie level per Mr. Cruise.

I have to start somewhere, and fast. My blood sugar is high and out of control, and until I get insurance in January, no medications to reduce it for me. I started today, and instead of my usual toasted bagel with cream cheese and yogurt with blueberries for breakfast (more than 100 sugar calories right there), I had two scrambled eggs and two slices of bacon (zero sugar calories). I did OK but kept feeling like I wasn’t full enough – but that was probably because I missed my bagel so much! I plan to order a grilled chicken breast sandwich without the bread for lunch, and I grabbed a very small mandarin orange to go with it (half my 100 SC right there). I’ll keep tabs on what I eat and let you know how I’m doing.

Wish me luck!

Worst. Weightloss. Blog. Ever.

And I deserve it, too.

I quit going to WW meetings back in November because I just couldn't afford the $45 a month anymore. I enjoyed them, but I got home so late afterward, and like I said, moolah be tight, yo.

At one point I managed to lose 10lbs and got down to 330. But it was homesick and so it has rejoined the Borg assimulation that is my body.

I don't know why I can't do this. It is making me crazy. My sister and I had a deal that she would shoot me when I started looking like our dad's mother. Either she is a really good sister for not shooting me, or she is a really bad deal keeper 'cause she probably should have shot me about 5 years ago.

This is not how I want to live my life. Why can't I just DO THIS? I know that there is no magic pill or potion that will fix this; I know that I am the only one that can control what I put in my mouth; I know that no one else can do this for me.

I'm just really frustrated.

I do know that I have a serious addiction to sugar. I am the Lindsay Lohan of sugar addiction. Truly. I keep trying to wean myself off of it, but I find that I get a little manic (OK, more than a little) when I don't have any candy to snack on at the end of the day. I kind of got in this bad habit of having a little candy - jelly beans (Belly Flops are my favorite), Good & Plentys, candy corn, little stuff like that - right before bed. You know, just to help my nightly pills go down, that's all. I've discovered that having an AkMak cracker or a protein shake instead just.doesn't.work.for.me. Nope.

So, my blood sugar has been a little high. OK, a lot high. Not diabetic coma high, yet. But too high. So that needs work ASAP.

I checked out Jorge Cruise's "The 100 : count only sugar calories and lose up to 18 pounds in 2 weeks" book from the library, and it makes a lot of sense to me. Have I followed the diet yet? No. But I will check it out again and see if I can make it work.

So, there you have it. I suck. As Einstein said, "The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again, yet each time expecting different results." So, I suck AND I am insane.

Siggghhhhh...

Are you still out there?

Hi there - I know, I know...worst.blogger.ever. I'm so sorry. I have every intent to start up again, but Blogger has decided that my operating system no longer works for them and I am having a devil of a time trying to post anything. I am currently posting this from my sister's laptop, but I hate typing on it and I can't post any of my pictures from here.

Please be patient, and I promise that as soon as I have something worked out, I will be back.

Thanks!

Can't wait for next weigh in...

My post is a little late this week; sorry. We lost our internet at home because I haven’t been able to get the bill paid, so I have to be sneaky and do this at work. Shhhh…

I guess another reason why it is late is because I am ashamed. I am ashamed because when I weighed in on Monday night I had gained. My current recorded weight is now more than it was the day I started. EERRRGGG.

I DID. NOT. WANT. to go to my meeting to weigh in. I was flipping and flopping back and forth all day about whether or not I was going to go. I knew I had gained; I didn’t need the trim and sporty little receptionist to give me the “knowing eye” and solemnly tell me how much. I didn’t want to sit among the successful that would be able to say that not only had they not gained, they actually lost! I would have to fake a smile and clap for them. And if I didn’t mention skipping the meeting on this blog, no one would ever know.

But then I got to really thinking about it. A gain is a gain, whether or not you acknowledge it aloud, or whether anyone else knows about it. And if I had been one of the successful ones that managed to ride out a tough holiday week without gaining and actually losing weight, I would want people to be genuinely happy for me and I would want that clapping! In fact, I would probably stand up on my chair, wave my arms and bloody DEMAND it! Also, I promised full disclosure and complete honesty on this blog; if I left out or glossed over the fact that I skipped the meeting, not only would I be lying to myself, but I would be lying to any and all that read this blog (and I appreciate each and every one of you). Not cool.

So, I put on my big girl panties and went. I gained 2.2lbs. Not as bad as I had expected actually. Especially since I almost singlehandedly polished off the two pumpkin pies my sister made.

I decided to put a positive spin on this situation and not dwell on the negative parts of it.

I gave myself one pat on the back for actually going to the meeting. I received much needed encouragement; discovered that I actually gained the least out of those that did gain; and I felt in control because I overrode that stupid voice that constantly tries to undermine my attempts at strength building behavior, or that constantly tells me I am a failure so why bother?

My second pat on the back was for only gaining 2.2lbs. Now, that may seem lame and self-enabling to some, and to those who think so, I say BITE ME. Trust me, the fact that I only gained 2.2 and not 12.2 is a big deal. If I had not been paying attention to what or how much I was eating, I would have easily gained 10lbs in a week; I have done it in the past. So, even though I didn’t have perfect self-restraint, I did have some and I feel that it merits acknowledgement. So there. Pffft.

This week has been great. Instead of starting off depressed and negative, I have been positive and in control. I have stuck to my points every day this week; I have planned out what I am going to eat and have figured out the points ahead of time; I have significantly increased my water intake. I have set a reminder in Microsoft Outlook to pop up every hour on my work computer that says DRINK WATER! It’s working. I have been peeing like a racehorse multiple times a day and that is great because – this is a fact I didn’t know until Brock told me – you lose fat through your urine. Yep. I never thought about how fat gets out of my body (probably because it doesn’t happen very often); I thought the body just incinerated it. So, the more you pee the more fat you lose! Woo hoo!!!!

So, I look forward to a loss on Monday night. I can’t wait.

Um, I'm going in the wrong direction

Well crap.

Remember the four pounds I lost last week?  I regained 3.6 of them.  EERRGG!!!

I think I have figured out the problem, which is two-fold.

1) I am not drinking enough water.  Surprise!  For the last four days my feet and lower legs are huge and swollen.  To anyone new to my blog, I have a rather common heart condition that isn't very serious, but a very small percentage of people with this condition also have a syndrome that goes with it - I never get thirsty.  Yep, never.  Or I guess I should say, extremely rarely.  I believe this is a huge chunk of my weight issue because I probably confuse thirst with hunger.  You know the deal where you should drink up to 64 oz of liquid a day?  I'm lucky to get that much in a week - and I'm not exaggerating.  I don't drink coffee or tea so I can't count that; I can only drink water if it's ice cold - lukewarm water is disgusting; and I'm trying really hard to cut back on my diet soda consumption.  I buy the little sugar-free flavor packets in pretty much every flavor that's out there and get myself nifty water bottles, etc., but the water just sits there on my desk and never gets touched because it never occurs to me to take a drink.  So, today I am taking charge of this problem.  I set a reminder in my Microsoft Outlook to pop a reminder up on my computer screen every hour that says, "DRINK SOME WATER!!!!"  So far, it's working.  It's 10:15am and I have already had about 24oz of water.  I'm not sure what I will do at home on the weekends, but I'll think of something.

Hold that thought - I have to PEE!

Whew - OK, that's better.

2) I am not journaling or tracking my food.  I said it was my goal last week, and I blew it off.  I keep trying to track it in my head and, obviously, it's not working.  I am not owning this; I am not making it real.  I am just going through the motions, and that does not work.  I have to get it together, track, and be accountable.  I feel like I'm taking a class in school that I truly am interested in, but so far I'm just kind of cruising through on auto-pilot.  Well, I just got a big, fat, "F" on my first real test and it's like someone walked up and slapped me in the forehead.

So - two goals this week:  drink fluids, track food.  It's not rocket science, just gotta DO IT!

Oh, and the first week where I lost weight, I was wearing my C-PAP machine at night.  Last week?  Didn't wear it at all.  I'm going to wear it every night this week and we'll see if it helps.

Wish me luck!

My message on the WW 200+ to lose board

Today I took a deep breath and put it all out there on the message boards at WW.  I like the "200+ pounds to lose" board; those people on there are so inspirational!

Here is what I posted:

Hi guys – just wanted to introduce myself! My name is Heather (aka Big Auntie) and I joined WW for the third (and last) time on 11/5/12. I live in western Washington state, waaaaay out in the boonies, with my sister, BIL and my BIL’s friend. We have 6 dogs, 2 cats, chickens, ducks, and goats. I love my sister more than life itself, but I am not a happy camper in life.

I have a very unhealthy relationship with food; I have allowed it to control me and it has become the only thing that brings me happiness – albeit temporarily. I hate my job, am not happy at home, and the last time I had anyone in my life romantically it was 1984.

Two weeks ago I was pouring myself a huge bowl of cereal and adding sugar to it when our friend said to me, “You know that stuff will kill you.” My reply, without even thinking, was, “That’s the plan.” I have been a long-time sufferer of depression and have suspected for some time that I have been trying to commit a slow-suicide with food, but it never really pierced my consciousness until I said that out loud to another person. For some reason, after trying for 20+ years to lose weight but only succeeding in getting fatter, something clicked. I don’t want to live this way anymore. But I do want to live.

I decided to do the WW w/meetings this time. I don’t have any friends and the people here at work at pretty anti-social, but nice. Due to our current work/financial situation at home, I rarely get to see my sister anymore, but she is very supportive of my desire to lose weight. Between work and home, I feel like the mother stuck at home with a bunch of toddlers, aching for adult conversation. I have been to two meetings so far and really like the group that meets there, and I really like the leader, Sue. I lost four pounds my first week so I am headed in the right direction.

I want to lose this weight because I have let it define me, and this is not the legacy I want to leave behind. I am a fun, spontaneous type of person, and being 230 pounds overweight holds me back from being who I truly am. I haven’t had any mirrors around me that show my body from lower than my shoulders for years and I am devastated every time I see my reflection in a store window. The bathroom I use at my sister’s house has a mirror that shows me from mid-thigh up and it is directly opposite the shower; it ruins my day on a constant basis.

My weight problems began when I was about 17; I lost about 20 pounds during the school year for no reason that we can think of; it just simply fell off. The summer between my junior and senior year I gained about 35 pounds just as easily as I lost the previous 20. I went on a 2-week trip to my grandmothers and none of the clothes I left with fit for the trip home. My boyfriend could not believe his eyes when he saw me the day after I got home. I struggled to lose the weight – I had to get it off before school started because I had to fit into my band uniform. I have gained an average of 10 pounds per year since then (sometimes I didn’t gain weight for several years, then suddenly – BAM! 20 pounds gained seemingly overnight). I have had all the thyroid tests – every new doctor takes one look at me and screams, “THYROID!” with delight, only to have all the panels come back normal. They hate that.

Sorry to go on and on about myself, but I hope that if there is someone out there like me, hanging back, just reading the boards and perhaps feeling like no one understands how they feel – they might see this and see themselves and know that they are not alone. Thanks to all of you that post on this board – you are very inspirational to me.

Well, that's it for today.  I've been sood so far and tracking all my food this week, even though it was CHICKEN ENCHILADA DAY yesterday, and then we had pizza for dinner on top of that!  I still managed to have 18 of my weekly "splurge" points left for the week because I only had two medium slices of pizza instead of 5 or 6 huge ones.  Yay me!

First official week on WW (again)

Woohoo! I lost four pounds this week, and am two pounds ahead of schedule. I made a line chart in Excel to track my weight (even though the WW site does it for me, I like mine better) and track my actual weight vs. my weekly goal weight, which is a loss of 2 lbs per week.

I am terrible about tracking my food; I do it in my head, just like my bank balance. That usually works out OK, but sometimes I lose track of how much money I have and things get…erm…interesting; the same thing happens with my food points. I am making it a goal to track/journal all of my food this week.

On the new system, not only do you get your allotted points for the day (depending on your current weight) but you also get an extra 49 points per week (or 7 extra points per day) to use at your discretion (regards of your current weight). You are encouraged to use them all each week – hooray! I intend to fully comply with that. I use most of them on Tuesdays because it’s Chicken Enchilada Day! This way I get what I feel like I “need” to keep myself from feeling deprived and depressed, and in the long run it will keep me from quitting. I can’t help it right now that I need an “off” day; it’s something I will work on in the future, but it will overwhelm me right now. As I learn better habits and my desire for all things cheesy and sour-creamy finally start ebbing away, then I will have a better chance at success for ridding myself of these nothing-is-off-limits-you-deserve-a-break kind of “off” days. One of the signs I am going to print out and hang in prominent display is: Do not reward yourself with food. You are not a dog. I don’t see chicken enchilada Tuesdays as a reward, just a…ah…coping mechanism. For now. Shut up.

I am also going to purchase the WW’s version of the Body Bug – it’s called the ActiveLink™. I won’t be getting it for another week or so (damn budget, stupid gas for car), but I’m very excited about it. Basically, it’s a USB-type thingy that you clip to yourself somewhere (like a bra strap or waistband) and it monitors and records your activity every day. You take it off at the end of the day and dump the information into the WW eTools program. It tells you how active you were and how many WW activity points you earned, which you can then trade for food points if you want to. You wear it for the first eight days and just do what you normally do – don’t start your exercise program just yet. This gives the program a base-line; then it will suggest a 12-week program to increase your activity. This way, if you are an absolute slug at the bottom of the activity scale (like me), you don’t go joining the advanced Zumba class at the local gym and have a massive cardiac event 30 seconds into the work out. It will step you up gradually and give you ideas for increasing your activity. Our WW leader does not use her activity points for food; she uses hers for motivation. She knows how many she wants to get in a day, and if she sees that she isn’t going to make it, she gets motivated to get moving. I need that.

So, that’s where I’m at right now. So far, so good. One week down, many more to go, but I’m just trying to take it a day at a time right now. My first goal is my 5% mark – 17 pounds lost by New Year’s Day. Only 13 more pounds to go and seven weeks to get there. I can do it.

I can do it!

All by myself...

I decided over the weekend that I just could not fight this battle on my own. On Monday night I went to a Weight Watchers meeting in Longview (near where I work) and joined up. I have done WW before, as I’ve mentioned, but I did it online last time. I enjoyed it, but I think I am the type of person that needs real life, face to face interaction. So I decided to go with the meetings this time around. I got the Monthly Pass so that the meeting dues are cheapest and this way I could go to a second meeting closer to home on Saturday mornings if I want/need to. I probably won’t do that as I enjoyed the people that meet on Monday nights, and it will be much more convenient to do it after work. I have to drive right by where the meeting is held on my way home anyway; and the Saturday meeting is about 20 minutes away from home and is at 9:30am. I know that I will wind up blowing that one off because I always sleep in on Saturdays!

I will start posting my weight from the official WW weigh in.

I did terribly yesterday; I forgot my breakfast at home so had to eat at the café here at the mill, it was chicken enchilada day for lunch, and Sis wanted me to run an errand with her the second I got home and so wound up eating Safeway Chinese food at 8pm.

Today was better. I packed my breakfast and lunch; not sure what the situation will be for dinner at the moment but I have 20 points left for the day so I should be able to make just about anything work.

My goal is to work on getting my meals organized for the week and prepared the night before. For some reason this is really difficult for me, but it is something I must overcome if I am to succeed. My 5% goal is 17 lbs, and my 10% goal is 34 lbs. I hope to reach my 5% goal by January 1st. I never got my motivational signs put up, so I will work on that this weekend. I need to step up my activity level, and have started doing that by parking further away from the lab at work. It sucks, but it’s something.

If you use WW’s eTools, drop me a comment with your user name and we can friend each other! I have almost 250lbs to lose, so I can use all the encouragement I can get! I’ll try to get Sis to take a current picture of me so that I can replace the one that I am currently using on this blog.

Well, that’s the scoop for now!

TTFN

Hershey does not mean chocolate in this instance...

Yesterday went pretty well, all considered. By the time I got home from work I had a screaming case of the Hershey Squirts. TMI, I know, but I promised to be honest and all revealing, so… I think I overdid it on the grapes yesterday afternoon. I was so hungry! Grapes are usually best for me in rather small quantities or else I get bad cramps or worse (green grapes really kill me, so I stick to red seedless). But I was trying to drown out the calls of EAT ME from the mini Kit-Kat bars in the lab’s candy bowl, so I kept eating the grapes. Perhaps I should have had a few rice cakes and some water. Well, lesson learned. I almost did a “do-over” weigh in this morning, figuring I must have lost at least 6.5 lbs in poop alone, but I decided not to.

I had intended to just have a bowl of corn flakes for dinner; I had an anxiety/depression attack on the drive home and cried for about an hour over the sad and pathetic state of my life. I was over it for the most part by the time I got home, but our roommate made boxed Mac & Cheese for dinner, and so I caved and had a good sized bowl of it. I did manage to stay away from the one remaining dark chocolate brownie, and I was proud of myself for that; however I must confess that I went looking for it later, but it was gone.

This morning I had another Greek yogurt (strawberry banana) with about 2 tablespoons of granola; I also had a packet of instant grits and remembered my packed of Truvia today! Much, much better than yesterday. Today is chicken enchilada day in the mill’s Café, so that will be lunch along with a scoop of Spanish rice and a diet Coke. I brought a Fuji apple for a snack along with an Atkins Advantage snack/light meal bar in Caramel Double Chocolate Crunch. They are super yummy with 11g of fiber and 10g of protein for 160 calories; plus they make me very thirsty so I drink more water. I already ate my dessert in the car this morning on my way to work because I was literally falling asleep at the wheel and needed something to wake me up! So, my two chocolate covered graham crackers are already history. (frowny face)

About weigh-ins – I try not to weigh myself every day. The CEO of Weight Watchers says he weighs himself every day, but I just think that is setting me up for anxiety and a roller coaster of emotions. Maybe men can do that, but women’s weight fluxuates so much! It all depends on if we are retaining water, or not. Bloating, or not. Near a period, on a period, just finished a period, or not. Etcetera, ad nauseum. So I try to limit the checking of my weight to two to three times per week. I weigh at the same time every day (right after waking up) in the same clothes (birthday suit), preferably after my morning bodily functions. I always use my Monday weight as my “official” weight.

Oh! By the way, the pumpkin pie Pop Tarts? Awwweesoooommmeee! I still don’t have the points for them, but oh my yes they do substitute for pumpkin pie just fine. Lovely, lovely, lovely.

TTFN.

Still Workin' It...

I didn’t do as well last week as I could have.

This is what I always do. I get a little success then I start slacking off and sabotaging myself. It’s extremely frustrating, and more than just a little annoying.

This time, however, I am feeling quite calm about it. I looked back over my week and I ate out a lot more than I should have (crisp meat burrito and sour cream from Taco Time, chicken sandwich and fries from Burger King, the Jumbo Breakfast Platter at Jack-in-the-Box to name a few) and didn’t eat what I should have at home. Fast food is a real challenge for me. One of the reasons I like WW is that if I feel that I must absolutely have fast food lest I perish from the Earth, I can work it in occasionally.

Message to brain: OCCASIONALLY ≠ WHENEVER I FEEL LIKE IT. I know this is a hard concept for you to grasp; 30+ years of this thinking is hard to retrain, but retrain we must.

I am back on plan this morning, even managing to grab what I needed for today’s lunch and snacks! Here is the plan for today:

Breakfast: I got some more Chobani Greek yogurt w/fruit on the bottom; today’s random selection: peach. I added a few tablespoons of granola to it for crunch. I also had a single serving packet of instant grits as a change from oatmeal. It was great until I added a packet of Splenda to it; my lovely grits went from thick and yummy to instantly runny and water-y. Weird. Splenda is not my sweetener of choice; I prefer Truvia but I forgot to grab some this morning. So, I only ate about half of it before it went into the garbage.

Lunch: I brought bbq beef, half corn/half whole wheat tortillas, cottage cheese, butter lettuce and red seedless grapes.

Snacks: Beef jerky, mini-Bonnie Bell light cheese, and three Newton Fruit thins in Lemon Crisp (that’s all that’s left in the package).

This all comes complete with a confession: I found something naughty at Wal-Mart yesterday and tried very hard to pass it up. Fail. It seemed that every corner I turned, this product was staring me dead in the face! I took it as a sign and put it in my cart. Wanna know what it is?

Frosted Pumpkin Pie Pop-Tarts.

Hear me out: I LURVE pumpkin pie. Every year one (or possibly three) of Costco’s humongous pumpkin pies lands in our kitchen. I like to eat it straight out of the package with a spoon. Crap – did I say that out loud? I meant that I fully intend to have a small, humble piece but wind up eating it straight out of the package with a spoon. Dang. I said it again. Well, anyway, I thought that perhaps these might help me out. I haven’t done the points on them yet, but I thought that maybe, just maybe, it would be better to have two of those than an entire pumpkin pie from Costco eaten with a spoon. (DANG IT! It’s like autocorrect on your iPhone – it just keeps spitting that out!) I will let you know how it rates and how it tastes and if it fulfills a need or just makes the need worse.

Anyhoosiers, I am just .8 of a pound off from my goal of 2lbs per week. The big drop and small backslide kind of evened each other out (unfortunately – and that is not meant to sound like it’s an acceptable achievement). And I did get some pretty good exercise by helping our roommate build a shelter for the goats we are babysitting on Sunday.

We shall see how things go this week.

TTFN.

First weekend...

Well, so far, so good. I weighed myself this morning and the scale said: 332.6. Yay!

I haven’t been able to afford to officially join WW yet, but I’m doing my best to follow the plan. I bought a few groceries this weekend: Chobani 0% Greek yogurt w/fruit on the bottom; butter lettuce; baby carrots; single serving bags of 94% fat free popcorn; apples, pineapple. The Chobani yogurt was interesting. I love yogurt, but this is different than say, Yoplait or Fit and Trim, or any of the other non-Greek yogurts out there. It’s thicker and has got more “bite” to it, if you know what I mean. At first, I wasn’t sure I was going to like it. But it grew on me, and I think the difference is that it is not so sweet and candy-like. I think that the more I eat it, the better it will get. I only purchased three containers just in case. But I will definitely be trying more, and I will try other brands as well. One six-ounce container is 4 WW points: 0 fat, 22g carbs, 0 fiber, and a whopping 14g of protein! I had the black cherry today.

I also had a packet of instant oatmeal with apples and cinnamon, which after the yogurt tasted overly sweet and fake. I will probably switch to plain oatmeal or instant grits to see if that is better.

A very nice person, Betsey C., left a comment for me – thanks Betsey! She brought up a point that gives me a lot of trouble when I am trying to keep track of what I’m eating: home cooked food. I live with my sister, bro-in-law, and a family friend. When my sister is not forced to be down in the Portland area, she makes wonderful home-cooked meals for us. The problem is how to count it! I could look up each ingredient in the meal (casserole, slow cooker, etc.) and try to figure out how many servings of what size the meal should make, then try to figure the points. But, realistically speaking, we all know that is just not going to happen. I find this to be very frustrating and it’s usually what knocks me right off the program. When I was living alone in Montana I usually ate prepackaged (frozen) Smart Ones or Lean Cuisine meals, or foods that I could easily find the Points value for (fast food or prepackaged).

Some months ago I went to my doctor to see if there was anything she could recommend to help me with my weight loss. To be honest, I was hoping for miracle pills, speed or similar. She gave me this weird plate looking thingy that basically helps with portion control. My response was to throw it in the back of the truck where it stayed. I guess I will dig that out and start using it when I eat the home-cooked meals; I may not know exactly how many Points I’m eating, but it will help me to keep my portions in check. This is very hard to do when she makes chicken enchiladas! Yum yum yum.

Does anyone out there have any suggestions on how to deal with home-cooked meals that you don’t make yourself or have any control over? I am not going to sit at the table with a frozen Lean Cuisine when my sister has made dinner for us; I feel that is rude. Like going to dinner at a friend’s house and bringing your own food. Not cool.

Today’s plan for lunch is to go to the mill’s café and get a scoop of their lovely chicken salad (chicken, celery, cucumber and honestly not a lot of dressing) to eat with my rice cakes, butter lettuce salad (with dressing on the side), baby carrots, and fresh pineapple for dessert. I’m going to pop a single serving bag of 94% fat free Kettle Corn just before leaving the lab to eat on the way home. I’m usually starving by the time I finally get home, so hopefully that will help.

I’ll let you know how that went.

I'm happy with the weight loss, especially after this weekend.  Pizza on Friday night (Papa Murphy's 5 Meat Stuffed), chicken teriyaki bowl on Saturday, leftover pizza on Sunday.  Sunday was horrible as I lay in bed with a weather-induced migraine.  It's finally raining here in the Pacific NW after almost three straight months of sunshine, and my noggin' don't dig the weather changes.  I expected a very small loss or at least staying the same, so the nearly four pound loss was a nice surprise!
TTFN.

New attitude, holding steady...mostly...

As promised, my food journal from late Tuesday through Wednesday. It wasn’t great, but it would have been a lot worse if I hadn’t been paying closer attention to my eating habits.

Tuesday night I split an order of Super Nachos from our absolute favorite Mexican place in Milwaukie, OR – Super Burrito. It consisted of chicken, refried beans, sour cream, cheddar cheese (the real stuff, not the canned nacho cheese “sauce”), avocado, and corn chips. Normally I would have eaten a whole order by myself, but this time I just split one order with Mom. I was completely satisfied without feeling like I was going to barf or split in half like I usually do because I ate too much. I also had half of a 7-11 brand Berry soda (approx. 10oz) and four Kirkland brand dark chocolate/cherry/almond patties that are about the size of a half dollar. OMG – they are BAAAAAADDD! I could have easily scarfed down the entire container!

Wednesday: I had a severe headache and had to drive Mom downtown Portland at 8:30am to the court house for a very stressful appointment. I skipped breakfast – very bad. We finally ate at a Shari’s Restaurant at about 11:30. I had a Garlic Swiss Mushroom burger; I took off the top bun and ate it open faced with a knife and fork. They were very chintzy with the mushrooms! I had tater tots (looooooove the tots) instead of fries; there were about 10 of them. I had ice water to drink. For dinner I had a bowl of vegetable won ton soup from Trader Joe’s; didn’t eat the veggies. Had the other half of my Berry soda; five more chocolate/almond/cherry patties.

So, not brilliant, but normally this would have been much, much worse. Take my choice for breakfast today for example. Went to Jack in the Box; got the Sausage Croissant sandwich (15 pts), 10 mini churros (Why? Why do I feel I need those? 19 pts), and a bottled water. 34 points for breakfast alone; I should get between 38 and 47 points for the WHOLE DAY. Not a great start.

But I will get better.

I AM DETERMINED.

Ate my Lean Cuisine pizza, a small side salad w/ranch dressing on the side (I put my fork in the dressing then spear my lettuce), three lemon Newton’s Fruit Thins, bottled water.

I am starving.

Dang. Not sure what I will be eating for dinner; will do my best!

TTFN.

Day One of New Attitude

OK, even though I haven’t been able to officially join WW yet, I am doing my best to work on my habits. First habit to work on: food journaling. I do really well in the beginning, and I do really well from morning until I leave work, but then I just can’t seem to continue after I get home.

I will do my best to change that.

Here is what I have eaten today:

7:20am – 2 oatmeal raisin cookies. Hey, I figure it’s not any worse than commercial oatmeal flavored with brown sugar with raisins added. OK, it is worse, but it’s too late now, I already ate them.

7:45am – one Smart Ones breakfast sandwich w/turkey sausage. I L-O-V-E breakfast sandwiches! These are actually really good; so are the ones with Canadian bacon.

8:07am – finished first bottle of 16.9 oz of water w/sugar free drink mix added.  I say "first" because I plan to drink a total of three.  I am terrible about drinking enough water, something I have discussed ad nauseaum in previous posts.

9:30am – big piece of Starbuck’s coffee cake; brought to me as a gift from a co-worker, felt too guilty to say NO.

11am – Noon: Lunch at work. Brought smart stuff to eat; forgot it was chicken enchilada day. I completely forgot about what I had brought and had 2 enchiladas with Spanish rice and can of Diet Coke.

Well, so far everything is going according to plan. My EVIL TWIN’S PLAN! Strangely, I am not deterred or disappointed or angry. My good decisions are being undone by my bad ones, but I am not surprised or dismayed by this. And it’s not going to stop me. I am going to acknowledge that I am not making the best decisions today, and when the next decision comes up, I know what I have to do.

Kick my evil twin in the balls and run like hell.

I am headed down to my mom’s place tonight after work and I’ll be there all day tomorrow, so I won’t be able to log the rest of my day today or my day tomorrow, but on Thursday I will post what went on. I promise to be 100% honest.  The plan is to eat what I brought for lunch for tonight's dinner, make the best choices I can all day tomorrow, and bring a good lunch to work on Thursday.

May the force be with me.

The View From Rock Bottom Sucks

I have hit an all-time low, or a high, depending on which way you want to look at it. Either way, it’s bad.


I weighed myself last week: 340.2.

That weird crashing noise you thought you heard last week but couldn’t place? My life.

My depression level has rarely been at the level it has been for the last week. I can genuinely put it in my top three all-time depression moments.

I have been doing some deep thinking lately, and I have come to some conclusions. Bear with me while I share. Some of these things I have not shared with anyone before.

About 15 years ago, I was experiencing one of my other top three depression episodes. I decided that my life was just no longer worth living, and decided to take steps toward ending it. All my problems were insurmountable, unsolvable; I was less than nothing, unloved, unlovable, destined for failure on all counts and there was just no getting past it. I knew that my suicide would distress very few, although my mother would be devastated and my sister would be similarly unhappy, but I was determined to go through with it. But, before I hacked at my wrists or slammed my vehicle into a telephone pole, I wanted to give my apartment a thorough cleaning. My mother would be having a hard enough time with my death the least I could do for her was make sure the apartment was nice and clean when she came to clear out my things.

I have not been able to keep a clean and tidy home since. Coincidence? Doubtful.

And since I am still around to be writing this pathetic blog, I obviously gave up on the whole idea of killing myself, right?

Are you sure about that conclusion?

Why else would an intelligent person like myself allow my skeleton, heart, kidneys and liver to try to support 340 pounds?

Slow suicide. It’s a lot less obvious, less messy, takes longer – granted, but the end result is still the same. I’m still slicing off whole years, decades probably, from my life.

I don’t know why this is finally sinking in, that this is what I am really doing to myself. And I don’t know why it’s making me want to fight back for a change. I am 45 years old. I don’t want to be a sad sack anymore. I don’t want to be fat anymore. I want to live. REALLY LIVE. Not exist.

I am joining Weight Watchers again. I haven’t been an actual member for a long time, but whenever I was trying to diet I would use what I learned from them and use my old Points counter slide-ruler thingy. About two days after I made the decision to join, I went to the library to pick up a book I had on hold. When I went to the checkout counter, they have books on display, and guess what book was on display? “Weight Loss Boss: How to Finally Win at Losing--and Take Charge in an Out-of-Control Food World” by David Kirchhoff, the CEO of…wait for it…Weight Watchers.

I now take it as a sign.

I love his book. It is not a book for WW members, it not really a book about WW (although he does discuss how WW works); it is about one man’s struggle to lose weight. Can you imagine being the CEO of the world’s most successful weight loss corporation and being obese? Welcome to David’s world. He is funny, real, inspiring, down to earth, and very candid. The book is not condescending in any way, and he doesn’t sugar coat things. I really enjoyed reading it and it only took me about a day and half!

I am not going to do the online program this time; I need a social life and I don’t have one. I crave adult company and conversation, and I don’t get that at home anymore and I don’t really get it at work. (No, I didn’t get the job I mentioned in my last post; but I am working again. I hate it.) I am going to get the Monthly Pass so that I can attend as many meetings as I want, where ever and when ever I want to. I want to go to one in Longview where I work on Tuesdays, and to one in Chehalis (about 20 miles from the house) on Saturdays. I am going to need all the help I can get, and I figure I will click with one group or the other and hopefully get some of what I need.

All I need now is the money to do it. Hopefully I can do it this payday. Cross your fingers for me.

My other goal is to buy a bike. I was quite the avid bicyclist when I was a teenager and I loved it so much. The problem now is trying to find a bike that will hold my massive carcass without the wheels going flat. I found one that I want (it’s on my Diet and Exercise Pinterest board) that is made by Worksman Cycles in the USA; they are customizable and are made for riders up to 500 lbs! I want to ride my bike all over the frickin’ countryside out here, then I want to do the Seattle to Portland race that they have every year. (For more information on it, go here: https://shop.cascade.org/content/events/stp) I really, really want to do it. I am going to make greeting cards and jewelry to sell to reach my goal of buying my bike; hopefully I’ll have enough money before I’m 90.

This morning I weighed myself and I am down to 336.2 so I am going in the right direction and I am feeling a little better. I am going to print off a lot of motivational things from my Pinterest boards and hang them on my bedroom walls.

Go me.